Control and people.

I know what a majority of my problems come from.
I give other people too much control of my emotions.
That has been my problem this whole summer, I have felt the worst this summer because I literally take pieces of myself, hand them to other people, and let them drop me, break me, fuck me over.
I'm aware that doing that is the only way to have friends and family and people that love you but God... is it really that worth it?
Would it be that bad for me to live my life entirely for myself, entirely by myself?
I'm not sure if I would hate that more or not.
I'm just so dependent on others now. I hate myself for being dependent.
I used to be afraid of relationships, I thought they weren't worth it, but now --after having one-- I just want it. I want to feel like there's always someone there for me.
I want someone to take all my bullshit and turn it into something good.
I'm the only one that can do that though, I'm the only one that can make myself happy.
I have to be happy alone before I can be truly happy with someone else.

I am literally Alice from Alice In Wonderland right now.
I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.
I'm trying to get better at following it.

I had sex with the boy that had a girlfriend.
Before and after he broke up with her.
I creep on his ex/girlfriend's Instagram.
I thought after he broke up with her that maybe something would happen with us.
But then I went to Wisconsin and I feel like since I've been back it's just been weird.
I feel like he uses me for a place to get high or something...
I don't completely mind because he always gets me high, too, but still.
Uuuugggghhh.
I know they broke up because the day after he told me he did it, her Instagram was completely void of him.
But now his name and the date they got together last year is in her bio again.
What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.
I am literally a terrible person.
I have become so many of the things that I hate.
I'm constantly thinking about the past and the future, but that doesn't help me make good decisions.

This keyboard cover was pissing me off so much but I think I finally got it on right and oh my God, it's so much better.

Anyways, I finally asked the dude today what the fuck was going on.
I wanted to do it in person but I feel kind of like he's been avoiding me... It might be me overthinking, but I dunno.
He kind of just ignored the question about him and his I'm-not-sure-if-it's-ex-or-current-again girlfriend.
And instead of answering my questions, he was just asking me questions, and then I read it wrong and replied weird and ugh.
And then he just never replied.
I'm telling myself I'm just not going to text him, but I'm so bad at that.

...I just want something to go right for me. I want to either stop being attracted to assholes, or I want to go back to being afraid of relationships.
I would rather be the way I was a year ago than the way I am now, honestly.
I don't completely regret everything that's happened to me this past year, but I think I like the old me better.
The new me kind of sucks.

Also, I can't fucking stop eating. I'm back at, like, 140 and I want to die.
I'm eating my emotions every day and then I go to bed full and wanting to cry.
I hope I maintained 140 today.

At one point I had hopes that I could be around 129 or something before I go back to school.
At this rate, I'll go back the same weight that I left.
I can't do that. I can't.

I'm feeling so shitty and I just want to keep writing forever but I also don't.
I'm listening to sad music.
Fuck me. God, I hate this.
Why did I decide to be like this? Why did I do this?
I try to starve myself to feel better but starving makes me feel like shit sometimes, so then I eat and eating makes me feel like shit too.

I go to therapy on Friday again. I don't lie when I go to therapy, but I don't tell the full truth I think.
I just feel better in therapy. It's harder to recall bad feelings when you're in a good mood, just like it's hard to recall good feelings when you're in a bad mood.
Depression is literally a never-ending cycle. It feeds on itself.
It is infinite.

I hate infinity. Infinity contradicts itself.
Not everything has to have an ending, but everything has to have a beginning.
How does something that is a loop have a beginning.
I just can't.

@LeeTiger28:
How was your Warped? Awesome I hope. I went to two, and they were both great. Who did you go to see? Oh God, trash reality TV is just so good sometimes, but I can get really into series. I've been watching PLL since it premiered, like, five years ago or something and I'm not even sure if I like it anymore, I just have to watch it. (I feel like I've said that already on my blog, so if I just repeated myself... My bad.)
God, fuck boys. I am just really done right now... But about ignoring your ex, I was literally scared of doing that for a while, but it turns into a habit if you let it. My ex hardly ever contacts me, so I just had to keep myself from texting him first for a while, but it gets easier. I know everyone says that, but seriously. Three, maybe even two, months ago, I could hardly imagine life without my ex, and now it's easy. You can do it, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to.


GOD. I talk so much.

Roller coasters and festivals

Warped was on Sunday and it was very fun.
I made the goal I set for myself, but just barely.
I lost 1 1/2 lbs at Warped, so that's cool.
Then I lost another pound yesterday.

I don't need my ex anymore. I know I don't. He texted me when I got home from Warped --which was weird because it was like exactly the second I laid down in my bed and I haven't talked to him in like a week or so, so it's not like he knew what I was doing-- and I finally was able to ignore him.
I felt so shitty deleting the text, I even debated just replying for a little bit.
But I don't know if I want to be friends with him. I want to be with him I think, and I don't want to keep hurting myself.
This kind of hurting isn't okay, because I can't make it stop.
But now I'm really confused about whether or not I like this other guy that lives here at home or if I just want a rebound or something.
We almost dated like three years ago or something, but I said no.
He's different now though, I think. More mature maybe.
And I'm not sure if I said no because I didn't like him or if I was just too scared.
I was my ex hadn't been the first one I'd been brave enough to try being with. Maybe this would be easier.
Um, anyways.
Apparently he likes me --the guy from here-- but he has a girlfriend.
And I guess he likes me but loves her or some shit? I don't know.
I haven't heard anything from him, but I've been hearing it from other people.

We stayed at a mutual friend's house last night and did stuff.
We didn't kiss or anything but ugh. He cheated on his girlfriend... with me.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
It is and isn't my fault at the same time.
Then he was going to go to a different friend's house and smoke weed and I wanted to go, but then Mickey was at my house and we were supposed to hang out today and she freaked my mom out because my phone was dead and I hadn't called or anything lately.
Ugh. I don't know what the fuck to do.
I don't want to tell anyone, but at the same time I do?
I don't trust people with this.

I want him to break up with his girlfriend but I also don't.
I don't think I would like long-distance, and I leave and go back to school in about a month.
But I want him for this month. I want something to help me feel better.
I do like him, I just don't know if I like him enough to do anything about it.
I don't know if any of this is worth it.
He should break up with his girlfriend because he cheated on her though. I don't know her so I'm not worried about any sort of bitch backlash, and I hope he wouldn't say anyways.
Some things people just don't need to know.
I don't want to be in a labeled relationship with him. I just want to be around him, like, all the time.
Ugh. I kind of hate myself right now.

I didn't sleep last night and I don't feel like going to sleep now.
I guess I might go hang out with Mickey.
I just want to get out of my house now I guess.
I want to get high. I want to get so fucking stoned.
I want to be happy but I keep fucking myself up.


LeeTiger28:
Hellooooo :) Thank you so much, I'm surprised x100000 that I've managed to keep this weight. It's fucking weird that I'm kind of doing something right for once? I don't really like Full House much anymore, I think I've seen all the episodes. Sucks that you don't have TV though, unless you're not really a TV person, then it's probably not that bad.
Hope you're doing okay too < 3

Pots and goals

I'm a little high and very distracted.
Umm I made my goal this morning. 139.
Goooalllll.
These are all numbers I never thought I'd see on the scale because I'm such a failure.
If there's ok thing that I don't regret about my past relationship it's that it allowed me to get past my huge plateau of 150 and I've been doing pretty well since then.
That sounds so sick.

I haven't lost as much as I would've liked to since summer started, but I was trying to "recover" and "be normal" for at least the first month.
The second month I think I was still trying a little in the beginning, but then when I decided to stop trying, I didn't get very far.
Then this month, 4th of July weekend ruined the beginning, and I just got out of the mega eating phase I had after the 4th.
And I'm dropping and it's awesome.

I ate today though. I was scared and pretty careful at first. I was drinking a lot of water at work and then for lunch I decided to get some what thins chips out of the vending machine. 230 calories I think. Then I asked Thomas for his peanut butter crackers and he gave them to me. 190 calories.
I continued to drink a bunch of water, went home, and then drank almost a full can of Mountain Dew when I went to hang out with Mickey.
We ate chips and salsa con queso. No idea what those calories were.
Then we went to the mall and she got a Cinnabon Center of the Roll and I had a few bites of it. Once again, no idea what the calories are.
But I weighed myself when I got home and I'm the same weight as this morning. If I can lose eating this or atleast maintain, that would be awesome.
I'm crazy distracted by Full House and I need to go to sleep.

Breaking and milestones

This is my 200th post.
I would've reached it earlier but I accidentally deleted some posts during winter or spring break or something like that. I dunno.
200 posts documenting my disordered bullshit.
Much write. Many blog. Wow.

I didn't eat again today, just drank water and had a few sips of Thomas' vanilla float Dr. Pepper slushee thing from Taco Bell.
I think and, God, Opi hope I meet my goal tomorrow.
I lost a pound from yesterday and I just checked and I'm already down a pound from this morning.
It doesn't feel like it could be real. My parents and some of my friends know about my eating stuff and I've still managed to lose almost ten pounds this summer and not eat for the past two days.
Shit.
I just want to have a good weight in the morning. Then if I can drop like two more pounds, I can eat without going back over my GW again.
I'm scared of not eating all week and then feeling sick or blacking out at Warped this weekend.
I think I might eat in the morning though... Not sure yet. It sounds kinda scary.
I won't have to eat dinner tomorrow because I'm going to hang out with Mickey.
I just can't eat when I'm with her and we'll walk around and do stuff and it should work out.

I'm really cold and tired. I'm gonna go to sleep.
Is anyone still reading this?

Fun Foam and "Friends"

I had to go to work by myself today.
I work at a summer drama camp for kids with my high school director.
Our tech director is focusing on her own art this summer so I was offered her job basically.
I've done it for two years before this though without getting paid.
This kept me from having to get a real job too.
It pays okay, pretty awesome hourly rate, but I only work 4 days a week for 3 weeks during the summer.
It's not terrible but it's not awesome.
I have money leftover from school though, so I think I'll be fine going through this school year.
I'm going to try to only spend money on myself this year. No more chipping in on shit I don't use/want and no more buying stuff for people.
Especially buying food for my ex. Ugh.
He's still in my head every day. Fuck.
Anyways, back to the point.
Wallace, Thomas, and Lynn have been working with me for the past two camps, and they don't get paid so they're doing actual volunteer work.
So is it okay that I still got upset that none of them went today?
I'm mostly just annoyed I guess that it was all three of them on the same day.
Wallace supposedly went to work with his parents at the house they're building, but I'm not sure if I believe that honestly.
Lynn told me she was going then claimed she wasn't sure if she would be able to function on how little sleep she got because she didn't get done with her actual job until 2.
I wouldn't have really minded that so much if she hadn't told me she was going last night and then texted me this morning asking if I minded if she didn't go.
Fuck. I can't handle her sometimes.
Thomas told me last night he didn't think he would be able to wake up to go today, but he seriously told me that at like 9 or something so I told him to go to bed and he would be fine, but obviously he didn't listen to me because he wasn't awake in time this morning.
All of their apologizing and asking if I'm okay and asking about the kids and the camp bothers me the most.
And I'm just in a shitty mood, period is coming and I'll probably have it at Warped and that sucks so much.

I didn't eat today and I drank a moderate amount of water, like a little over 120 oz maybe. I don't know.
I filled my water bottle 5 times I think.
I'm nervous I'm at a plateau again. I can never last through plateaus.

I want to be skinny and I also want to be recovered, or at least recovering.
I used to think this was so hard but now it's easier than recovering.
I never thought I'd be this person, I never wanted to be this person.

Concerts and NXT.

Today was a pretty good day. I went to a show and the headlining band --which is the only band I really gave a shit about seeing-- was awesome. I didn't even know all of the songs but it was still just so great. My legs were feeling a little sore and I loved it,
I stood next to this guy and he was cute and I wish he would've talked to me more.
He reminded me of my ex though so maybe not the best idea.
Shows are also great because you stand and jump and stuff and that burns calories.
I only ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with Vanilla Soy Milk and an oatmeal raisin cookie from Jimmy John's today, and I drank quite a bit of Mickey's pop and a few sips of her Sunny D in the car.
I'm not very happy about the cookie, pop, and Sunny D, but my therapist told me to look at everything as a whole and not to get so caught up in a few indulgences.
And considering I had an oatmeal raisin cookie instead of chocolate chip, I kind of count that as a win.
And pop and Sunny D are liquids so they're not really as big of a deal.
So today was a pretty good day with eating too.
And I weighed myself when I got home and I'm 1/2 lb lighter than I was this morning, so that's cool.
Especially because I was hoping I would wake up this morning at this weight, but I only lost 1/2 lb from yesterday.
And if I could wake up tomorrow another pound lighter that would be even better.
I went through a pretty bad week of eating around the 4th which was really disappointing because I had almost gotten past a GW, so getting back on track this week will be good.
I work tomorrow so I just won't bring lunch or snacks or money and just drink water all day and that will be awesome.
I work with kids so I'll be moving too.
Yessss.
I'm going to Warped next Sunday and if I hit my GW by then I might consider crowd surfing.
I probably still won't do it, but if I'm not at my GW then it's not even going to be an option.
I'm tired and my throat hurts from smoking so much today.
I'm gonna chill, watch CatDog, and go to sleep.

I feel hungry and I'm kind of upset about it.
I'm supposed to be recovering but that kind of went out the window.
Oops.

Therapy.

I can't tell if I'm getting better or not. I can't tell if I'm actually getting over my ex.
Some days it still really hurts. Today it doesn't hurt that bad, today might be an okay day.
It doesn't help that I'm supposed to be getting my period this week. My mood is always shittier when I'm getting my period.
I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time and done so much for him, because all he did in return was fuck me over.
I regret it and don't regret it at the same time.
Also, I've realized I was only actually in a relationship with him for, like, three or four months, not the seven I'd thought it was.
I want to go back to school and I want him to come back to me, but part of me knows realistically that won't happen.
He doesn't even want to talk to me now. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't care.

I lost two pounds and it feels good. My stomach still isn't flat though...
I'm going to a grad party today and I hope I can control myself.
It looks shitty outside, I hope it doesn't rain.
God damn I want a cigarette.
I really have to pee.

I only have to go to therapy every other week now. When I'm in therapy, I talk pretty big shit about how I'm getting better, how I don't care if my ex talks to me, how excited I am to go back to school, how I'm keeping myself busy and the depression is going away.
It's only partially true.
But it's like over time I've started to feel weirder about telling my therapist everything. I trust her but I don't want to tell her.
I don't think I really want to get better.
Or maybe I just already am better.
I don't know what better is, I don't remember what it's like to be happy more often than not, so I don't know how to tell if I'm okay or getting okay or what.
Ugh. I have to pee.

Life.

Never in my life have I felt more alone.
Before I was with him, alone didn't mean lonely. Alone was nice and safe, alone meant less worries and more ignorance.
I told him everything about me. My self harm, my eating disorder, my feelings: I laid it all out for him and he accepted it, or at least seemed to.
I cried a lot and cried to him, and sometimes I think he tried to make me feel better and sometimes he just wanted me to stop.
I learned through him that I can't deal with myself all the time.
I don't really like myself that much. I don't really like anyone else that much either.
I keep waiting for people and places that are going to make me feel good and happy, but good and happy are such fleeting feelings.

Depression is such a loop. The good days are good, but sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it.
We live this whole life looking for happiness and things that will make us feel good, and sometimes we can't find it.
Or we find it and it gets taken away from us.
There's no point to all of this. It's insane how small of a chance we all had of existing, yet we do and a lot of us don't even want to.

I know I felt like this before him, but it's like I feel it more now. I can't ignore it, and it happens more often.
I'm still getting over him, yeah, and I'm still holding onto hope that it isn't over.
I hate that I can't get over it.
I'm scared of going back to school.
I'm scared of seeing him and I'm scared of not seeing him.
Nothing and nobody can make this go away. I'm the only one that can make myself happy and I can't figure out how.
I'm scared I'm never going to want to be with someone again and I'm scared that I will be with someone again.
I go over these same feelings all the time. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

I lost ~10-15lbs being with him. It was so easy not to eat with him.
Why did I tell so many people about my eating disorder? Why did I think I wanted to recover?
I thought if I went to therapy it would make him want me back, and it didn't, and I thought I wanted to get better for myself but I'm over it.
I wonder what I'll look like in the 130's. At first I thought the 140's made me look pretty thin and a lot of people have told me that I look skinny, but I stopped seeing it.
My body got too used to the 140's and now it's not the same. The mirror changed.

I have therapy on Friday. I can't decide if I should keep up with saying I'm better so I can stop going soon, or if I should tell the truth.
There's nothing she can do to help me though, not if I don't want to help myself.

I don't even want to go out. I just want to smoke all the time. I'm happier when I'm not sober, it's easier when I'm not sober.
I want to get out of my mind stoned, but I don't know where to get weed here.
I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired.
I hope tomorrow is a good day.