Control and people.

I know what a majority of my problems come from.
I give other people too much control of my emotions.
That has been my problem this whole summer, I have felt the worst this summer because I literally take pieces of myself, hand them to other people, and let them drop me, break me, fuck me over.
I'm aware that doing that is the only way to have friends and family and people that love you but God... is it really that worth it?
Would it be that bad for me to live my life entirely for myself, entirely by myself?
I'm not sure if I would hate that more or not.
I'm just so dependent on others now. I hate myself for being dependent.
I used to be afraid of relationships, I thought they weren't worth it, but now --after having one-- I just want it. I want to feel like there's always someone there for me.
I want someone to take all my bullshit and turn it into something good.
I'm the only one that can do that though, I'm the only one that can make myself happy.
I have to be happy alone before I can be truly happy with someone else.

I am literally Alice from Alice In Wonderland right now.
I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.
I'm trying to get better at following it.

I had sex with the boy that had a girlfriend.
Before and after he broke up with her.
I creep on his ex/girlfriend's Instagram.
I thought after he broke up with her that maybe something would happen with us.
But then I went to Wisconsin and I feel like since I've been back it's just been weird.
I feel like he uses me for a place to get high or something...
I don't completely mind because he always gets me high, too, but still.
Uuuugggghhh.
I know they broke up because the day after he told me he did it, her Instagram was completely void of him.
But now his name and the date they got together last year is in her bio again.
What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.
I am literally a terrible person.
I have become so many of the things that I hate.
I'm constantly thinking about the past and the future, but that doesn't help me make good decisions.

This keyboard cover was pissing me off so much but I think I finally got it on right and oh my God, it's so much better.

Anyways, I finally asked the dude today what the fuck was going on.
I wanted to do it in person but I feel kind of like he's been avoiding me... It might be me overthinking, but I dunno.
He kind of just ignored the question about him and his I'm-not-sure-if-it's-ex-or-current-again girlfriend.
And instead of answering my questions, he was just asking me questions, and then I read it wrong and replied weird and ugh.
And then he just never replied.
I'm telling myself I'm just not going to text him, but I'm so bad at that.

...I just want something to go right for me. I want to either stop being attracted to assholes, or I want to go back to being afraid of relationships.
I would rather be the way I was a year ago than the way I am now, honestly.
I don't completely regret everything that's happened to me this past year, but I think I like the old me better.
The new me kind of sucks.

Also, I can't fucking stop eating. I'm back at, like, 140 and I want to die.
I'm eating my emotions every day and then I go to bed full and wanting to cry.
I hope I maintained 140 today.

At one point I had hopes that I could be around 129 or something before I go back to school.
At this rate, I'll go back the same weight that I left.
I can't do that. I can't.

I'm feeling so shitty and I just want to keep writing forever but I also don't.
I'm listening to sad music.
Fuck me. God, I hate this.
Why did I decide to be like this? Why did I do this?
I try to starve myself to feel better but starving makes me feel like shit sometimes, so then I eat and eating makes me feel like shit too.

I go to therapy on Friday again. I don't lie when I go to therapy, but I don't tell the full truth I think.
I just feel better in therapy. It's harder to recall bad feelings when you're in a good mood, just like it's hard to recall good feelings when you're in a bad mood.
Depression is literally a never-ending cycle. It feeds on itself.
It is infinite.

I hate infinity. Infinity contradicts itself.
Not everything has to have an ending, but everything has to have a beginning.
How does something that is a loop have a beginning.
I just can't.

@LeeTiger28:
How was your Warped? Awesome I hope. I went to two, and they were both great. Who did you go to see? Oh God, trash reality TV is just so good sometimes, but I can get really into series. I've been watching PLL since it premiered, like, five years ago or something and I'm not even sure if I like it anymore, I just have to watch it. (I feel like I've said that already on my blog, so if I just repeated myself... My bad.)
God, fuck boys. I am just really done right now... But about ignoring your ex, I was literally scared of doing that for a while, but it turns into a habit if you let it. My ex hardly ever contacts me, so I just had to keep myself from texting him first for a while, but it gets easier. I know everyone says that, but seriously. Three, maybe even two, months ago, I could hardly imagine life without my ex, and now it's easy. You can do it, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to.


GOD. I talk so much.

Roller coasters and festivals

Warped was on Sunday and it was very fun.
I made the goal I set for myself, but just barely.
I lost 1 1/2 lbs at Warped, so that's cool.
Then I lost another pound yesterday.

I don't need my ex anymore. I know I don't. He texted me when I got home from Warped --which was weird because it was like exactly the second I laid down in my bed and I haven't talked to him in like a week or so, so it's not like he knew what I was doing-- and I finally was able to ignore him.
I felt so shitty deleting the text, I even debated just replying for a little bit.
But I don't know if I want to be friends with him. I want to be with him I think, and I don't want to keep hurting myself.
This kind of hurting isn't okay, because I can't make it stop.
But now I'm really confused about whether or not I like this other guy that lives here at home or if I just want a rebound or something.
We almost dated like three years ago or something, but I said no.
He's different now though, I think. More mature maybe.
And I'm not sure if I said no because I didn't like him or if I was just too scared.
I was my ex hadn't been the first one I'd been brave enough to try being with. Maybe this would be easier.
Um, anyways.
Apparently he likes me --the guy from here-- but he has a girlfriend.
And I guess he likes me but loves her or some shit? I don't know.
I haven't heard anything from him, but I've been hearing it from other people.

We stayed at a mutual friend's house last night and did stuff.
We didn't kiss or anything but ugh. He cheated on his girlfriend... with me.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
It is and isn't my fault at the same time.
Then he was going to go to a different friend's house and smoke weed and I wanted to go, but then Mickey was at my house and we were supposed to hang out today and she freaked my mom out because my phone was dead and I hadn't called or anything lately.
Ugh. I don't know what the fuck to do.
I don't want to tell anyone, but at the same time I do?
I don't trust people with this.

I want him to break up with his girlfriend but I also don't.
I don't think I would like long-distance, and I leave and go back to school in about a month.
But I want him for this month. I want something to help me feel better.
I do like him, I just don't know if I like him enough to do anything about it.
I don't know if any of this is worth it.
He should break up with his girlfriend because he cheated on her though. I don't know her so I'm not worried about any sort of bitch backlash, and I hope he wouldn't say anyways.
Some things people just don't need to know.
I don't want to be in a labeled relationship with him. I just want to be around him, like, all the time.
Ugh. I kind of hate myself right now.

I didn't sleep last night and I don't feel like going to sleep now.
I guess I might go hang out with Mickey.
I just want to get out of my house now I guess.
I want to get high. I want to get so fucking stoned.
I want to be happy but I keep fucking myself up.


LeeTiger28:
Hellooooo :) Thank you so much, I'm surprised x100000 that I've managed to keep this weight. It's fucking weird that I'm kind of doing something right for once? I don't really like Full House much anymore, I think I've seen all the episodes. Sucks that you don't have TV though, unless you're not really a TV person, then it's probably not that bad.
Hope you're doing okay too < 3

Pots and goals

I'm a little high and very distracted.
Umm I made my goal this morning. 139.
Goooalllll.
These are all numbers I never thought I'd see on the scale because I'm such a failure.
If there's ok thing that I don't regret about my past relationship it's that it allowed me to get past my huge plateau of 150 and I've been doing pretty well since then.
That sounds so sick.

I haven't lost as much as I would've liked to since summer started, but I was trying to "recover" and "be normal" for at least the first month.
The second month I think I was still trying a little in the beginning, but then when I decided to stop trying, I didn't get very far.
Then this month, 4th of July weekend ruined the beginning, and I just got out of the mega eating phase I had after the 4th.
And I'm dropping and it's awesome.

I ate today though. I was scared and pretty careful at first. I was drinking a lot of water at work and then for lunch I decided to get some what thins chips out of the vending machine. 230 calories I think. Then I asked Thomas for his peanut butter crackers and he gave them to me. 190 calories.
I continued to drink a bunch of water, went home, and then drank almost a full can of Mountain Dew when I went to hang out with Mickey.
We ate chips and salsa con queso. No idea what those calories were.
Then we went to the mall and she got a Cinnabon Center of the Roll and I had a few bites of it. Once again, no idea what the calories are.
But I weighed myself when I got home and I'm the same weight as this morning. If I can lose eating this or atleast maintain, that would be awesome.
I'm crazy distracted by Full House and I need to go to sleep.

Breaking and milestones

This is my 200th post.
I would've reached it earlier but I accidentally deleted some posts during winter or spring break or something like that. I dunno.
200 posts documenting my disordered bullshit.
Much write. Many blog. Wow.

I didn't eat again today, just drank water and had a few sips of Thomas' vanilla float Dr. Pepper slushee thing from Taco Bell.
I think and, God, Opi hope I meet my goal tomorrow.
I lost a pound from yesterday and I just checked and I'm already down a pound from this morning.
It doesn't feel like it could be real. My parents and some of my friends know about my eating stuff and I've still managed to lose almost ten pounds this summer and not eat for the past two days.
Shit.
I just want to have a good weight in the morning. Then if I can drop like two more pounds, I can eat without going back over my GW again.
I'm scared of not eating all week and then feeling sick or blacking out at Warped this weekend.
I think I might eat in the morning though... Not sure yet. It sounds kinda scary.
I won't have to eat dinner tomorrow because I'm going to hang out with Mickey.
I just can't eat when I'm with her and we'll walk around and do stuff and it should work out.

I'm really cold and tired. I'm gonna go to sleep.
Is anyone still reading this?

Fun Foam and "Friends"

I had to go to work by myself today.
I work at a summer drama camp for kids with my high school director.
Our tech director is focusing on her own art this summer so I was offered her job basically.
I've done it for two years before this though without getting paid.
This kept me from having to get a real job too.
It pays okay, pretty awesome hourly rate, but I only work 4 days a week for 3 weeks during the summer.
It's not terrible but it's not awesome.
I have money leftover from school though, so I think I'll be fine going through this school year.
I'm going to try to only spend money on myself this year. No more chipping in on shit I don't use/want and no more buying stuff for people.
Especially buying food for my ex. Ugh.
He's still in my head every day. Fuck.
Anyways, back to the point.
Wallace, Thomas, and Lynn have been working with me for the past two camps, and they don't get paid so they're doing actual volunteer work.
So is it okay that I still got upset that none of them went today?
I'm mostly just annoyed I guess that it was all three of them on the same day.
Wallace supposedly went to work with his parents at the house they're building, but I'm not sure if I believe that honestly.
Lynn told me she was going then claimed she wasn't sure if she would be able to function on how little sleep she got because she didn't get done with her actual job until 2.
I wouldn't have really minded that so much if she hadn't told me she was going last night and then texted me this morning asking if I minded if she didn't go.
Fuck. I can't handle her sometimes.
Thomas told me last night he didn't think he would be able to wake up to go today, but he seriously told me that at like 9 or something so I told him to go to bed and he would be fine, but obviously he didn't listen to me because he wasn't awake in time this morning.
All of their apologizing and asking if I'm okay and asking about the kids and the camp bothers me the most.
And I'm just in a shitty mood, period is coming and I'll probably have it at Warped and that sucks so much.

I didn't eat today and I drank a moderate amount of water, like a little over 120 oz maybe. I don't know.
I filled my water bottle 5 times I think.
I'm nervous I'm at a plateau again. I can never last through plateaus.

I want to be skinny and I also want to be recovered, or at least recovering.
I used to think this was so hard but now it's easier than recovering.
I never thought I'd be this person, I never wanted to be this person.

Concerts and NXT.

Today was a pretty good day. I went to a show and the headlining band --which is the only band I really gave a shit about seeing-- was awesome. I didn't even know all of the songs but it was still just so great. My legs were feeling a little sore and I loved it,
I stood next to this guy and he was cute and I wish he would've talked to me more.
He reminded me of my ex though so maybe not the best idea.
Shows are also great because you stand and jump and stuff and that burns calories.
I only ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with Vanilla Soy Milk and an oatmeal raisin cookie from Jimmy John's today, and I drank quite a bit of Mickey's pop and a few sips of her Sunny D in the car.
I'm not very happy about the cookie, pop, and Sunny D, but my therapist told me to look at everything as a whole and not to get so caught up in a few indulgences.
And considering I had an oatmeal raisin cookie instead of chocolate chip, I kind of count that as a win.
And pop and Sunny D are liquids so they're not really as big of a deal.
So today was a pretty good day with eating too.
And I weighed myself when I got home and I'm 1/2 lb lighter than I was this morning, so that's cool.
Especially because I was hoping I would wake up this morning at this weight, but I only lost 1/2 lb from yesterday.
And if I could wake up tomorrow another pound lighter that would be even better.
I went through a pretty bad week of eating around the 4th which was really disappointing because I had almost gotten past a GW, so getting back on track this week will be good.
I work tomorrow so I just won't bring lunch or snacks or money and just drink water all day and that will be awesome.
I work with kids so I'll be moving too.
Yessss.
I'm going to Warped next Sunday and if I hit my GW by then I might consider crowd surfing.
I probably still won't do it, but if I'm not at my GW then it's not even going to be an option.
I'm tired and my throat hurts from smoking so much today.
I'm gonna chill, watch CatDog, and go to sleep.

I feel hungry and I'm kind of upset about it.
I'm supposed to be recovering but that kind of went out the window.
Oops.

Therapy.

I can't tell if I'm getting better or not. I can't tell if I'm actually getting over my ex.
Some days it still really hurts. Today it doesn't hurt that bad, today might be an okay day.
It doesn't help that I'm supposed to be getting my period this week. My mood is always shittier when I'm getting my period.
I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time and done so much for him, because all he did in return was fuck me over.
I regret it and don't regret it at the same time.
Also, I've realized I was only actually in a relationship with him for, like, three or four months, not the seven I'd thought it was.
I want to go back to school and I want him to come back to me, but part of me knows realistically that won't happen.
He doesn't even want to talk to me now. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't care.

I lost two pounds and it feels good. My stomach still isn't flat though...
I'm going to a grad party today and I hope I can control myself.
It looks shitty outside, I hope it doesn't rain.
God damn I want a cigarette.
I really have to pee.

I only have to go to therapy every other week now. When I'm in therapy, I talk pretty big shit about how I'm getting better, how I don't care if my ex talks to me, how excited I am to go back to school, how I'm keeping myself busy and the depression is going away.
It's only partially true.
But it's like over time I've started to feel weirder about telling my therapist everything. I trust her but I don't want to tell her.
I don't think I really want to get better.
Or maybe I just already am better.
I don't know what better is, I don't remember what it's like to be happy more often than not, so I don't know how to tell if I'm okay or getting okay or what.
Ugh. I have to pee.

Life.

Never in my life have I felt more alone.
Before I was with him, alone didn't mean lonely. Alone was nice and safe, alone meant less worries and more ignorance.
I told him everything about me. My self harm, my eating disorder, my feelings: I laid it all out for him and he accepted it, or at least seemed to.
I cried a lot and cried to him, and sometimes I think he tried to make me feel better and sometimes he just wanted me to stop.
I learned through him that I can't deal with myself all the time.
I don't really like myself that much. I don't really like anyone else that much either.
I keep waiting for people and places that are going to make me feel good and happy, but good and happy are such fleeting feelings.

Depression is such a loop. The good days are good, but sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it.
We live this whole life looking for happiness and things that will make us feel good, and sometimes we can't find it.
Or we find it and it gets taken away from us.
There's no point to all of this. It's insane how small of a chance we all had of existing, yet we do and a lot of us don't even want to.

I know I felt like this before him, but it's like I feel it more now. I can't ignore it, and it happens more often.
I'm still getting over him, yeah, and I'm still holding onto hope that it isn't over.
I hate that I can't get over it.
I'm scared of going back to school.
I'm scared of seeing him and I'm scared of not seeing him.
Nothing and nobody can make this go away. I'm the only one that can make myself happy and I can't figure out how.
I'm scared I'm never going to want to be with someone again and I'm scared that I will be with someone again.
I go over these same feelings all the time. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

I lost ~10-15lbs being with him. It was so easy not to eat with him.
Why did I tell so many people about my eating disorder? Why did I think I wanted to recover?
I thought if I went to therapy it would make him want me back, and it didn't, and I thought I wanted to get better for myself but I'm over it.
I wonder what I'll look like in the 130's. At first I thought the 140's made me look pretty thin and a lot of people have told me that I look skinny, but I stopped seeing it.
My body got too used to the 140's and now it's not the same. The mirror changed.

I have therapy on Friday. I can't decide if I should keep up with saying I'm better so I can stop going soon, or if I should tell the truth.
There's nothing she can do to help me though, not if I don't want to help myself.

I don't even want to go out. I just want to smoke all the time. I'm happier when I'm not sober, it's easier when I'm not sober.
I want to get out of my mind stoned, but I don't know where to get weed here.
I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired.
I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Craziness and intense worrying.

So since my posts got deleted, I guess I should repeat that I lost my fucking virginity.
We didn't use protection, he didn't finish, but I'm tweaking so hard right now that it's not even funny.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
Don't judge me, please, but I was looking up stuff about abortion, even though I don't think I could ever do it.
I'm just crazy scared.
I only get this worried at night. During the day I'm okay, but then at night I just start thinking and worrying and ugh.
I wish I could talk to the guy about it, but. i feel like I can't --or shouldn't, I guess. I don't want to bother him on his break and I don't want to talk to anyone really.
I'm so conflicted.
I want someone to convince me that I'm fine, that I'm not pregnant and it's okay, but I don't want to talk to anyone about how worried I am.
I can't believe I made this fucking mistake.
I should've said no. I should've told him to get a condom. I should've done ANYTHING but what I did.
I don't regret it though, which is the most fucked up part.
Or I guess I do regret it, but only if the worst happened and I am knocked the fuck up.
I hate being so scared. I feel so alone.

What do I do? God...
I'm going on the 6th to get birth control.
Yeah, just a little late... FUCK.
Um. I don't think my period is late though.
I'm so shit at keeping track though. I know I had it the weekend I was home for Thanksgiving, but I can't remember for sure what day it was over. It was probably like the 1st or 2nd of December though. My period is so irregular anyways though...
And being insanely stressed isn't going to make my period show up.
I just don't want to bother anyone...
There's no one up right now anyways, so I really am alone.
And if what I'm worrying about happens, I'll be more alone than ever.
It. Can't. Happen.

I want to cut so bad. And I want to stuff my face until feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to be sick. I want to get my period. I want to starve until everything is okay and I stop fucking up.
I've never fucked up like this.
I'm so irresponsible.
I wish I could cry and feel better.
I'm so sadz.
I always get unexplainable sad before my period too...
Maybe this is okay. This has to be okay.
Typing is helping, even though Imm on my phone.
I just need to breathe. I need to relax. I need to sleep...

I had a mega fucked dream last night.
But he was in it... sort of.
I wish I could see him.
I hate this shit. I hate liking people. I feel vulnerable and like he's just going to destroy me. I can't handle this. I can't do this.
He can't like me. That's crazy. I'm not cute, I'm not likable in any way other than a funny, friend kind of way...
There's something wrong with my God damn head, I thonk.
I don't have ADD. I've realized that. I just like having something I can pinpoint my problems on.
"Don't blame me, it's my ADD."
I'm such a hypocrite though.
I wanna go back to school.
16 days...
I am not going to lose any weight. I'm such a failure.
How am i going to do this for three months for summer.
Being home is bad for me.
I want to be out of here.

I could keep going forever.
It's okay. If it helps, it's okay.

I'm also worried my lip piercings might be infected. Just one of them I think though, so I need to cut back hard on smoking and stop moving it with my tongue so much. I only push it when I can feel that there's crusties on it and it's bothering me, or if I'm trying to eat and they get in my way, but I need to be more careful.
I should stop eating too.
I could also be over leaning it, which would be because of the smoking.
I can cut back, it won't be for very long. I just need to keep calm.
Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.
Ahhh, I'm tired.
Sleep will help me.
I'll be better tomorrow.

Engagements and grandmothers.

I'm going to hang out with Bethany today.
Scott asked her to marry him on Tuesday, I think.
I'm going to be the maid of honor.
...What do maids of honor do?
My mom told me she would pay for my dress just so she could see me in one.
Ugh.
I'm excited for them. They're young, but they have the potential to make it work.

I need my grandma to go home so I can weigh myself.
Uuuughhhhh.

I had a dream about school last night. It was beyond fucked up.
I hope I forget it soon.

Deletion and life.

Accidentally deleted some of my posts.
Fuck.
All I've eaten today is chocolate and I don't feel shitty about it.
I've been eating bad enough that I can still lose from eating this.

My grandma is still here.
I hate myself for not loving my family the way I should.

I want to go back to college. My life at college is so much better than my life here.
I want a cigarette. I can't smoke here. Ugh.

I miss everyone at school. Oh God, I didn't think college would be like this.
Only seventeen more days here.
Seventeen days to drop some weight.

I really want my period to get here. God. I'm nervous.
I need to calm down.

Nightlock and Wicked.

I haven't been upset about my weight in a while.
Or, like, I mean... I'm always kind of upset about it, but tonight... I don't know.
There was something about this four-pound-in-one-day kind of gain that just made me so fucking upset.
I don't want to say sad and I don't want to say pissed, because that's not really it.
I'm just... not happy.
No, more than that.
I'm fucking UPSET.
I don't know if that word means the same to me as it does to any of you. Someone out there probably understands though. That feeling that's not sadness or anger or frustration, but a complicated mixture of all of them; an emotion that can't be pinpointed as being more or less of one or another.
But at the same time I don't feel like I'm feeling anything at all.
At least right now, which is a while since I was downstairs and weighing myself.
I could be around a whole pound lighter by now. Three instead of four, because I pissed when I came upstairs and I have to pee now again...
Just I worked hard this weekend, to be able to start on Monday with a lower weight to be able to fucking destroy myself this week.
Destroy in a good way, of course.
But then I eat two graham cracker sheets (that's what the serving size thing called them, I think) with frosting and a potato rectangle thing and ruin my whole day.
(Did that an hour or two before I weighed.)

I've been around the same weight for more than a year. Much more than a year, I think.
Not a year and a half though I think... maybe close.
I am the definition and should be the poster child for complete and utter failure.

Laterz.

Her fingers tighten around the cold steering wheel, her very light, almost colorless, green eyes sweeping over and surveying the road in front of her, though she isn't really seeing anything.  The drive home is routine, and she sometimes thinks she could do it with her eyes closed, but she's too scared to ever try.  Her gaze diverges from the scenery in front of her to the green LCD numbers on her radio --no worries, she's early for Weekend Night Curfew-- and then to the gas gauge.  Her lips purse slightly at the sight of the meter leaning too far towards the first line above empty for her liking, but she looks back at the road and remembers that she didn't ask her parents for gas this week and so they shouldn't have a problem with buying some for her soon.  They never really have a problem with it, or they don't say they do, but she's always worried about being in trouble and messing up, even when her relatives are involved.
The thought of gas and her parents seems to spur on a whole train of thought; it's like her brain is defrosting along with the rest of her body and car, all thanks to the heat she cranked up the second she got in the car, even though it only blew cold air for a long while.  She flicks her finger up, turns on her blinker, presses her foot lightly on the brake, and takes the turn that will bring her to the road before the road before the road that she lives on.   She starts to ponder all that has happened in the past twenty-four hours.  She feels mean, this has not been one of her better weeks.  The friends she normally loves have only annoyed her, and the friends that normally irritate her have come to be her favorites.  It doesn't matter who her favorites are in her head though, all that matters is their opinions.
They're getting sick of her.  The whole lot of them, the 'group' as they all so often refer to themselves.  Especially after the past seven or more or less days.  She can't be at all sure though if her perception of the time is real or not, because she seems to see an askew version of things, and she takes things harder or softer than others.  It's never right.
Two of her 'best friends', as they often refer to themselves as and she does sometimes when she's feeling in the mood for affection or she's worried about how they will feel if she doesn't use the term, have started to date.  She does not approve, whatsoever at all entirely.  She tells, half yells, at the girl over text.  Saying that she's going to ruin the boy, that it's not fair of her or for her to do something 'only for his happiness', but now that she drives home by herself and her head is free to roam she wonders why she is so opposed.  She made the boy cry on the bus that morning, not on purpose; no, never would she do that to someone.  He does not understand, he listens but he does not hear what she is saying.  That is the start of her feeling mean.
As the day fades into night and a field trip fades into a basketball game, she talks to the girl again.  She tries to force her to see that this relationship is doing absolutely positively one hundred percent no good for anyone.  She changes her points in this conversation, flips it around so everything is not benefiting the girlfriend and hurting her, instead of the other way she had posed it for the boyfriend.  She does see what she says, but she is not sure the girl hears either.
Later, at a movie night afterwards, a boy she has told to ask her other friend to prom comes back with flowers and some random girl pulls up the projector that covers the whiteboard.  The girl he is asking is overjoyed, it is so obvious that her statements of not wanting to go to prom at all were false.  She had known that before anyways, was sure that the only reason she didn't want to go to prom was because she wasn't going.  She was happy for the girl and boy, all smiles and teeth and shouts of "GET SOME BABY", but now she frowns.
The boyfriend and girlfriend fought in the lunchroom, and she sits and watches and listens and commentates the whole thing while finishing a bag of Hersheys Cookie Drops and sipping on Sunny D with her friend and the boyfriend's best friend.  He tells her of his plan to ask a girl to prom, and to ask her out.  She sees that he is stressed, she says he does not have to do both at once.  He can ask her to prom now, and to be his girlfriend later, and she reminds him of this fact because she does not want her to say no and him to be hurt.  That is what she thinkshopesprays the reason is, at least.
The boyfriend and girlfriend are still together when she decides she wants to leave and calls to the girlfriend.  She asks about the status of the relationship on the way to the car, leaving the boyfriend sad and inside the building, after his failed attempt at being chivalrous and listening to what his girlfriend tried to tell him to change about himself.  The fact that they have not broken up angers and saddens her for reasons she does not wish to pursue.  In the car on the way to the still-girlfriend's house, she continues to point out every flaw in the relationship that she should not be a part in or care about at all.
Why does she care so much? It has nothing to do with jealousy, she knows that much.  The boyfriend has been making her so beyond annoyed all week that she has blatantly refused to even talk to him and look at him until today.  What is wrong with her?  She acts like all she wants is others' happiness, but then she finds a way to sabotage it.
Love makes her sick, relationships make her mad.  Some would say it is because of the lack of both in her life, but it is something she chooses.  There are boys she thinks would be interested in one or both with her, but she says no.

Slamming her foot on the brake, she locks her elbows to keep her arms straight and flings her head to the side.  False alarm, that's not the road she wants.  It's the next one, not far off.  She presses the gas hard to get there faster, because all she wants is to be home.  She wants to cry, even if she's not entirely sure why, but she can't in her car.  If her family is awake at home, they can't see it.  She never wants anyone to see her tears.  They are weakness and wrong, just like she is.  But if she keeps it inside, nobody ever has to know.
The second to last road is short, and the road she lives on is even shorter.  She goes twenty over the posted speed limit without caring, because all she craves is her bed and sleep and a break from her own head.
She is often overly emotional about stupid stuff like this.

Xbox and college.

159

So, I took the PSAT at the beginning of the school year.

Dunno if I mentioned that...

But yeah, I got... a 180 I think? Not sure, don't remember, something like that I think though...

Kind of high; not high enough for my picky standards I guess, but high enough for people to be jealous.

I say it's only because I'm in a higher math and therefore have a whole year, sometimes two, ahead of them.

They agree because I'm mediocre and better than nobody at absolutely nothing.

Anyways, I've started getting mail from colleges.

I think liberal arts sounds nice... Something small. Something with writing, not a lot of people, somewhere I can be alone would be cool.

I don't know. :P

I'm thinking about playing Xbox... Just Dance is waaayyy better with Kinect.

Might go see that new Danielle Radcliffe movie on Friday, but that's the release date so I dunno if it's such a good idea.

Laterz.

Birthdays and HP.

It was Mickey's birthday on Friday.
She had a party, and it was a mild disaster.
It ended okay, I would say.
But I think I've just been having a kind of bad time lately.
Like, there's someone that's walking around my life, dropping bits of explosives, forcing me to run before they detonate or stay and fight.
That someone is always me, of course.
I fight, but I run. It's confusing. I don't know what I'm doing.
The future is forever in my face. I'm terrified. God, it's so black.

I finally watched the final Harry Potter.
It's done now. And I'm sad, because it was a large part of my childhood.
It's a love I've had forever but haven't divulged in in a long time... and now it's done.

I feel like an emotional wreck.
Everybody uses me.
Only Jean really likes me.
I want to go back, back to any time but now.

Laterz.

Prom and Hunger Games.

~159.

Hey there.

It's been a while.

One of my things I wanted to do this new year was post everyday, but I've obviously already messed that up.

It's okay. Just because it's 2012 now doesn't mean I have to change so drastically. I can take it slowly.

I remember I used to love blogging. I loved getting on and just writing about nothing; I didn't care if I got comments or if I was gaining/losing followers.

Things have changed, I guess. I see Blogger now, sometimes, as a huge popularity thing.

And I just don't have the right personality to be 'at the top'.

I just have to stop giving so many fucks. 

I want to be more carefree, more self-sufficient, less worried and anxious.

These are mere hopes, though. I don't really expect to be all calmed down this year; if anything, I might be even more nervous as this year goes on. 

The end of junior year, summer, senior year. 

It's going to be hard. I know it is. 

There will be good times though, I know that much. And that's what I can look forward to, when I suddenly get freaked out because life is moving too fast and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING and not doing anything right and I'm going to end up sad and alone because I can't stand the thought of sharing myself and my everything with another forever.

It will always get better.

I ramble that off to so many people, and I have to keep it in mind for myself.

It WILL always get BETTER. Even when I'm at rock bottom, I can only go up, right?

...I watched Bridesmaids last week... it stuck. ;)

Anyways, there's some things that have... happened since I last wrote a legit post, that I guess I'd like to document.

• I was asked to prom, and I said yes
• I was asked out by the same guy via Red Bull can... and said no
• I realized it had just happened again -I'd 'fallen' for someone momentarily, only to realize I really could hardly stand them at all
• I found out, with the help of Beth, how much of a needy and whiny ass he really is
• I also found out that Christine likes him, and I joked that I would set them up
• I figured out that she actually wants me to -fucking bitch... what? I'm rude...- and stuff, and I figured out that I really didn't want to
• I got Beth to tell the dude that I didn't want to go to prom with him, that he should ask out Christine and go with her, and that it had nothing to do with him -my not wanting to go
• He acted like a whiny stupid fucking BITCH
• I notice now that this all has to do with boys... Euw
• I got a laptop for Christmas. FUUUCKKK YEEAAAHHHH
• I decided that I want all black hair for a while to let my stupid and self-cut layers/bangs grow out, and am now impatiently waiting for January to be nearly over so I can dye it
• I hit a very low point, and also a very high point, over Christmas Break
• I tweaked out because I think everybody hates me and is only using me to get something, and everybody is secretly plotting behind my back
• I took those online tests that are supposed to be "just for fun" and give diagnoses for, like, depression and stuff
• I received results from two tests that said I was Bipolar
• I giggled on the outside but nodded on the inside, even though I know I'm just an insufficient twat that wishes she could take all her invisible problems and give reason to them
• I noticed that everybody -including my own fucking mother who should've grown the shit up by now- is an attention whore
• I started to wonder if maybe I'm stupid for hating anybody that looks for attention
• I know that I look for it sometimes, and I think maybe I should start getting pissed at myself, rather than everybody else, because it's not my fucking problem what they do with themselves
• I noticed just now that these bullet points are hardly different than how I usually write
• I decide I still would like to keep them
• I get tired of writing in this weird format
• I have a two-hour late start tomorrow and I'm terrified
• I think I gained around 6 pounds over break
• I hope I don't fuck up tomorrow
• I want to start keeping track of my weight on here, no matter how embarassed I am
• I really want to start posting everyday again
• Maybe I could start commenting too...
• I know it doesn't really matter to anyone but me what I'm doing

Laterz.

Also, I read Hunger Games yesterday, all at once.
Finished the first book in ~5 or 6 hours, around 9/10 but closer to 10:00, to about 2:50.
I lied about finishing it all to my brother to not seem like such a freak, even though we're so very alike with this fondness for reading, but I'm going to ask for the second one tomorrow...
I love Hunger Games.

You don't have to be so scared.

Kitties and baths [and Day Thirty-Four].

I really have to pee right now but am determined to do this first, so short and sweet unless I get rambly!
My kitty is sleeping next to me right now. He's so cute. < 3

I totally forgot to mention but my blog is officially a year old!
Older than that really, but only a few days or ten or something... I'm not entirely sure.
Just wanted to mention that though.

I'm cold. I've been cold since I got in my car and came home two hours ago.
I want to take a bath but I have to leave in about fifteen minutes to take my brother to meet my dad so he can get some new boots for winter.
(I couldn't take it anymore and went and pissed. Just thought I'd let you know.)
I just crave very warm water and being very warm and relaxing by myself and trying not to think so much.

I'm having a week where I feel like I don't matter. I'm staying relatively cheerful and happy and energetic -can't you see it in this post? ;P- but I feel like everybody is just using me and doesn't really care.
Lol. I know that I don't really have anyone that actually genuinely cares, but I don't feel like anyone cares at all.
I think everybody else is having a kind of moody week too, though. So it really isn't a huge deal I guess.

I'm rambling.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your UGW?
If I had one, I'd feel the same way about it as I feel about counting calories; if I give it all up once I am magically at my UGW, then I'll gain everything back and all my effort will be for naught.

Going to get ready to leave.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Crying and dying [and Day Thirty-Three].

I'm horrible at voicing my emotions.
Like, I can be pissed, but I'm never really horribly mad.
I can be bothered, but I'm NEVER sad around ANYONE.
Even my own family isn't allowed to see me cry.
But I'm this horribly emotional person, ever since I was little I've cried easily. Pain, words, loud voices, the thought that I've upset someone that I really love accidentally -anything can make me tear up.
I need to not have these emotions, I need to be as emotionless as I pretend.
I wish it was that easy. I really do.

I might miss school on Friday, for a funeral. Ann's grandma died last night. I saw her more than my own grandparents, especially when I was younger.
Ann said it, she was how I found out. She wasn't in first hour this morning and I have her first hour teacher third hour -when she has an open hour- so she came down to see what she missed.
She told our teacher, and she almost started crying.
I should've hugged her or at least talked to her... but I didn't because I'm a horrible person.
I feel so bad, but I didn't want to start crying too. I hate comforting people. I'm so selfish.

I'm calming down I think. I wasn't really hysteric or anything, but I cried while driving home a little bit ago.
I'm feeling a little okay, better atleast.

DAY THIRTY-THREE: Will you continue counting calories when you reach your UGW?
If I ever get there, I think I'll have to, otherwise I'll gain everything back.

Thanks for the comments guys. Dunno if I'll be reciprocating tonight, but maybe...
Laterz, loveliez.

Fucking up and water [and Days Thirty, Thirty-One, and Thirty-Two].

Thanksgiving has fucked me up more than I thought, I think...
Will power is gone, motivation is nonexistant.
I have to pee... again. God, fuck thiissss.
So much water I've drank... If it helps, then that's awesome. If not, this is so stupid...
Um, I went back to school today. I also am officially signed up to help with the winter play.
Whoa, I'm actually participating in something. Shoockkkkeerrrr.

DAY THIRTY: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
No, reaching the goal should be enough of a reward for me. Well, sometimes I'll tell myself I can't go shopping unless I'm xxxlbs or something, but I think of that more as a "punishment" for being such a lousy fuck.

DAY THIRTY-ONE: What are your favorite healthy snacks? 
Well, I'm more of a junk food person, but I like pretty much all fruits and vegetables... Strawberries might be my favorite though, I guess..?

DAY THIRTY-TWO: What is your weakness/one food you can't say no to?
Uh... I can't really think of anything? Because I know I CAN say no to anything and everything, it's all just a matter of how much will power I have that day. I'm failing at saying no to S'mores Poptarts at school lately though.

I'm going to watch a new movie on YouTube I heard about.
Laterz, loveliez.