Today has sucked.
Turns out, being by myself isn't easier.
It's a whole lot fucking harder.
I'm left alone on fucking New Year's Eve, even my parents had somewhere to fucking go.
I cracked without even being able to restrict for 48 hours.
I didn't even do anything I said I was going to.
My room's still a mess, I haven't read anything, I haven't entertained myself.
Fuck my life.
Fuck the new year, 2011 is going to be dumb.
@Thinlypure, thanks for the comment.
As you can see, I didn't keep up the good work.
Lol. At least I'm not the only one that talks lyke a, uhm, valley gurl?
xD
Friday, December 31, 2010
Minor accomplishments and laziness.
I'm laying in bed right now, at 2:22 pm.
I haven't gotten up yet. xD
I really should get up and shower and seriously force myself to clean my damn room, but I'm going to be home alone later... So I'm sort of waiting for that, I guess. :x
Yeah, I'm going to be home alone and doing nothing on New Year's Ever.
Hoo-fucking-rah for me.
Ohwell; IDRGAF.
Yesterday I managed to get by with only eating most of a.. erm, Boca meatless burger or whatever those things are called. O..O
My mom actually put it on some of those bagel things that aren't bagels? Fuck, I don't remember what they're called... :x
Anyways, I would've been almost content with eating it, but then she went and put butter on it.
Like; SRSLY?
So, I had one or two mini-bites of the burger on the bagel-thing, but then realized it was definitely too much, so I was 'sneaky' and took the bagel-thing off my plate and put it in the trash -shoved into an empty box of chocolate D; - in my room.
It's still there, under my bed; I'll have to throw it today. x..x
Anyways;
After that, I got most of the way done with the burger, and then I started ripping it into pieces.
I shoved two in my mouth and grabbed the other, like, three or something, went over and grabbed a napkin, and shoved the pieces in there.
Then I Enders up chewing a bit and spitting what was in my mouth into the napkin, too.
Then I threw it away, put my plate by the sink, and went back to my room...
Oh, and I downed a few bottles of water. :/
I was pissing every, like, half hour for the next three or so hours. xD
Blahblahblah, TMI. Shshsh. :P
Uhm, once again, muchas gracias heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. n..n
Sorry about your little 'mistake', an even sorry-er that you had to purge. :X
Ah, yes, I'm watching the first season now and LOVE ITTT.
Especially the eating disordered, blonde girl that I can't remember the name of now... Seriously, why can't I remember her name?
And I lovers Sid, and Tony, and Chris, and Maxxie -is that the gay boy's name? :O -, and Jal. :3
I actually got pissed when the Mad Twatter broke Jal's clarinet.
If someone would dare smash my flute, I'd strangle them. 3;<
Uhm, yeah, anyways... I say that too much. xD
Yesterday, someone was getting up my ass about saying 'like' too much...
So I imitated them and said 'DUDE' every ten seconds, instead. :3
Uh, seriously though... I should go shower, or atlast do something to get my lazy self out of bed.
Today's agenda:
Shower.
Don't eat.
Clean room.
Don't eat.
Read as much as I can of Madame Bovary and The Scarlet Letter so I don't have to cram it all in on Sunday.
Don't eat.
Get on the Internet.
Don't eat.
Entertain myself until 2010 is finally FUCKING OVER.
...Don't eat.
Easy enough, hm?
Hopefully.
OKAI, done.
Laterzzz.
I haven't gotten up yet. xD
I really should get up and shower and seriously force myself to clean my damn room, but I'm going to be home alone later... So I'm sort of waiting for that, I guess. :x
Yeah, I'm going to be home alone and doing nothing on New Year's Ever.
Hoo-fucking-rah for me.
Ohwell; IDRGAF.
Yesterday I managed to get by with only eating most of a.. erm, Boca meatless burger or whatever those things are called. O..O
My mom actually put it on some of those bagel things that aren't bagels? Fuck, I don't remember what they're called... :x
Anyways, I would've been almost content with eating it, but then she went and put butter on it.
Like; SRSLY?
So, I had one or two mini-bites of the burger on the bagel-thing, but then realized it was definitely too much, so I was 'sneaky' and took the bagel-thing off my plate and put it in the trash -shoved into an empty box of chocolate D; - in my room.
It's still there, under my bed; I'll have to throw it today. x..x
Anyways;
After that, I got most of the way done with the burger, and then I started ripping it into pieces.
I shoved two in my mouth and grabbed the other, like, three or something, went over and grabbed a napkin, and shoved the pieces in there.
Then I Enders up chewing a bit and spitting what was in my mouth into the napkin, too.
Then I threw it away, put my plate by the sink, and went back to my room...
Oh, and I downed a few bottles of water. :/
I was pissing every, like, half hour for the next three or so hours. xD
Blahblahblah, TMI. Shshsh. :P
Uhm, once again, muchas gracias heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. n..n
Sorry about your little 'mistake', an even sorry-er that you had to purge. :X
Ah, yes, I'm watching the first season now and LOVE ITTT.
Especially the eating disordered, blonde girl that I can't remember the name of now... Seriously, why can't I remember her name?
And I lovers Sid, and Tony, and Chris, and Maxxie -is that the gay boy's name? :O -, and Jal. :3
I actually got pissed when the Mad Twatter broke Jal's clarinet.
If someone would dare smash my flute, I'd strangle them. 3;<
Uhm, yeah, anyways... I say that too much. xD
Yesterday, someone was getting up my ass about saying 'like' too much...
So I imitated them and said 'DUDE' every ten seconds, instead. :3
Uh, seriously though... I should go shower, or atlast do something to get my lazy self out of bed.
Today's agenda:
Shower.
Don't eat.
Clean room.
Don't eat.
Read as much as I can of Madame Bovary and The Scarlet Letter so I don't have to cram it all in on Sunday.
Don't eat.
Get on the Internet.
Don't eat.
Entertain myself until 2010 is finally FUCKING OVER.
...Don't eat.
Easy enough, hm?
Hopefully.
OKAI, done.
Laterzzz.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
New starts and Skins.
I've decided I'm done with this.
I'm done eating, gaining, and hating myself.
I still hate myself, but I'm done eating -for myself, I'll only eat when I've got to. :/
Thanks heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. < 3456789
It helped.
So, last night Jean slept over; she's such a nerd. xD
It was hard for me to get any sleep last night, because she takes over my bed and she breathes loudly and doesn't stop fucking moving, but it was worth it.
We're attempting to make a music video -House Party by 3OH!3. xD
We've hardly done anything because it turns out that WMM doesn't work with my new camera, so I had to download a new editor which is only free for 15 days, and yeah...
It was dumb.
Anyways, I'm not going to do anything today, except maybe clean and read...
Ha, nah, that's not happening.
Oh, almost forgot;
I'm so excited for the American-version of Skins, it's premiering on MTV on the 17th I think?
I've been watching the English -British?- version on YouTube, and it's gewddd.
The American one definitely won't be as good, because America has a habit of fucking things up, but I'm still excited.
But yeah, I'm going to go sleep... Or something.
Laterz.
I'm done eating, gaining, and hating myself.
I still hate myself, but I'm done eating -for myself, I'll only eat when I've got to. :/
Thanks heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. < 3456789
It helped.
So, last night Jean slept over; she's such a nerd. xD
It was hard for me to get any sleep last night, because she takes over my bed and she breathes loudly and doesn't stop fucking moving, but it was worth it.
We're attempting to make a music video -House Party by 3OH!3. xD
We've hardly done anything because it turns out that WMM doesn't work with my new camera, so I had to download a new editor which is only free for 15 days, and yeah...
It was dumb.
Anyways, I'm not going to do anything today, except maybe clean and read...
Ha, nah, that's not happening.
Oh, almost forgot;
I'm so excited for the American-version of Skins, it's premiering on MTV on the 17th I think?
I've been watching the English -British?- version on YouTube, and it's gewddd.
The American one definitely won't be as good, because America has a habit of fucking things up, but I'm still excited.
But yeah, I'm going to go sleep... Or something.
Laterz.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Failing and anger.
I'm in a nice mood until I start blogging.
It sucks, I only get extremely pissed and sad at night, when I'm alone in my room usually.
I don't know why, and I don't really care anymore;
I just want it to fucking stop.
I was thinking today that while I'm in my room feeling fat and sorry for myself, life is going on for other people.
I don't have enough time to be doing this anymore.
I need to turn things around, I know I won't actually do anything to change anything... but I know that I should.
Maybe if I was, like, sixty pounds slimmer, everything would be all right.
But I'm not going to be loosing if I keep eating.
I'm pretty sure I'm gaining.
I'm like a yoyo, only I spend more time at the end of the string then the top.
Blah.
It sucks, I only get extremely pissed and sad at night, when I'm alone in my room usually.
I don't know why, and I don't really care anymore;
I just want it to fucking stop.
I was thinking today that while I'm in my room feeling fat and sorry for myself, life is going on for other people.
I don't have enough time to be doing this anymore.
I need to turn things around, I know I won't actually do anything to change anything... but I know that I should.
Maybe if I was, like, sixty pounds slimmer, everything would be all right.
But I'm not going to be loosing if I keep eating.
I'm pretty sure I'm gaining.
I'm like a yoyo, only I spend more time at the end of the string then the top.
Blah.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
More procrastination and hopeful planning..
I don't feel like blogging.
I don't feel like doing really anything.
All I want to do is sleep, forever.
And/or shoot my so-called "friends" in their dumb faces.
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SELF CONFIDENCE JUST SO YOU CAN GET ATTENTION, YOU GOD-AWFUL ATTENTION WHORES.
STOP ACTING LIKE WE'RE BEST -FUCKING- FRIENDS WHEN YOU ONLY TEXT ME WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS BUSY.
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU FUCKING MISSED ME, WHEN YOU DIDN'T TALK TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE FUCKING GONE, I DON'T WANT YOU COMING OVER TO MY FUCKING HOUSE AND SLEEPING THE FUCK OVER; GO BACK TO YOUR DAD'S.
If you say anything about me not saying happy fucking birthday to you yesterday, I'll fucking scream. We were supposed to hang out, but you never texted me, so FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMB ASS GIRLFRIEND AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TURNING INTO A FUCKING STONER EVEN THOUGH YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T GET FUCKING ADDICTED.
I want to scream, I want to run.
Fuck me talking like this, I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not depressed, I don't have OCD, I don't have ADD; there's nothing the fuck wrong with me.
I'm just fat. That's it. End of story. Period.
No fucking wonder my friends secretly hate me.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas.
It's been Christmas for sixteen minutes.
Christmas Eve was good;
I got some Hard Candy make up, Inception, The Hangover, Eclipse, a gray tanktop, a new shirt, an ATL sweatshirt, super soft Superman pajama bottoms, and an awesome new camera. :D
At my house, we open presents from my parents on Christmas Eve, and presents from 'Santa' on Christmas morning...
And apparently this year my brother is waking everybody up at, like, 9:15a.m. Dx
So I should probably go to sleep. :/
But I don't want to go remove my make up and wash my face; I'm afraid I'll fuck up my nails -since I just painted them a looveeelyyy dark blue.
Ughhhhhhh.
Oh, food today was actually good.
I only ate at dinner, and had some veg ziti, a bunch of salad, and some of that toasted bread stuff... And for dessert, a no-bake Jello Oreo pie thing.
It was good, and probably a jillion calories. x/
Ohwell;
I'm just doing whatever now.
Until I see my weight after my grandma leaves, and then I'll probably freak the fuck out.
Yeah, okay, I think I'm going to go to sleep... Or at least get ready to go to sleep. :/
MERRY CHRISTMAS! < 3456789
Christmas Eve was good;
I got some Hard Candy make up, Inception, The Hangover, Eclipse, a gray tanktop, a new shirt, an ATL sweatshirt, super soft Superman pajama bottoms, and an awesome new camera. :D
At my house, we open presents from my parents on Christmas Eve, and presents from 'Santa' on Christmas morning...
And apparently this year my brother is waking everybody up at, like, 9:15a.m. Dx
So I should probably go to sleep. :/
But I don't want to go remove my make up and wash my face; I'm afraid I'll fuck up my nails -since I just painted them a looveeelyyy dark blue.
Ughhhhhhh.
Oh, food today was actually good.
I only ate at dinner, and had some veg ziti, a bunch of salad, and some of that toasted bread stuff... And for dessert, a no-bake Jello Oreo pie thing.
It was good, and probably a jillion calories. x/
Ohwell;
I'm just doing whatever now.
Until I see my weight after my grandma leaves, and then I'll probably freak the fuck out.
Yeah, okay, I think I'm going to go to sleep... Or at least get ready to go to sleep. :/
MERRY CHRISTMAS! < 3456789
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve.
Huh, can't believe I actually forgot to get on here, for four days. O:
That's not a lot of time, but for me it is..? xD
Anyways, it's been Christmas Eve for nearly four hours...
My grandma is here, and tomorrow my cousins and aunt are coming...
And lucky me they're bringing a bunch of people I don't even fucking know.
God, I DON'T EVEN WANT THEM TO COME ANYMORE.
They're not coming to see family they've been ignoring for months, no; we're just another place to hang out and get free food.
FUCK MY FAMILY.
FUCK THEIR DRUGS AND THEIR IMPRISONMENT AND THEIR DUMB BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR INABILITY TO USE A CELL PHONE AND THEIR FUCKED UP SELVES THAT ARE CONSTANTLY BRINGING UN-NEEDED FUCKING DRAMA AND STRESS INTO MY PARENTS' AND MY LIFE.
Fuck the fact that my cousins are going to ignore me again, and than wish that they'd spent time with me right before they leave.
Fuck the fact that I'm so fucking jealous of them, and their filled-up lives.
Fuck the fact that I hate my own, empty life.
My grandma being here means I can't check my weight very often, and right now I really want to know because I've been putting off checking it.
And I've been eating like a fucking hog.
It makes me wonder if maybe I was trying too fucking hard, to mess myself up, to find something that I could pour all my hatred into, something that would show how legitimately I hate my body, and essentially hate the hopeless mind that's inside of it.
Then it makes me feel like a *cough*"wanarexic"*cough*, or just an attention whore, that I still want to fuck myself over.
I want so badly to just... I don't even know.
I guess I can sum up everything I want in to just being skinny.
If I was skinny, I :
I hate all this wondering, all this curiosity, all this doubt that the fact that I want to be "fucked up" actually makes me just a wanna-be.
IHATETHIS.
In 2011, I want to make actual changes.
LIKE,FORREAL.
Hopefully, Jean, my neighbor, and I will be getting a gym membership.
By New Years, my weight will probably shock me back into restriction.
Huh... Might as well say buhbye to my followers, now that I've admitted that I'm just a poser.
...Sorry.
But, after reading this over, there's just one thing I have to say;
I don't meant that I want to be anorexic, no way. I was just saying that I feel like a wanarexic, for wanting to go back to the craziness I put myself through two months ago...
Actually, I'm just making myself sound even more wanna-be-like by trying to explain myself.
Fuck this, I'm so confused and my head hurts and I'm pissed that I'm hungry in the middle of the night and I hate that I can't go check my weight to convince myself that I don't need food and I keep thinking about school and the fact that D didn't text me today even though he said I was supposed to go to his house and stuff and I'm hating all of these run-on sentences and I just want to sleep but then again I don't and I don't want to do my pathetic work out but I know I should and I want to cut but I can't and I hate my hair, it's too short and too dark and the dye made it smell bad.
Ugh
That's not a lot of time, but for me it is..? xD
Anyways, it's been Christmas Eve for nearly four hours...
My grandma is here, and tomorrow my cousins and aunt are coming...
And lucky me they're bringing a bunch of people I don't even fucking know.
God, I DON'T EVEN WANT THEM TO COME ANYMORE.
They're not coming to see family they've been ignoring for months, no; we're just another place to hang out and get free food.
FUCK MY FAMILY.
FUCK THEIR DRUGS AND THEIR IMPRISONMENT AND THEIR DUMB BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR INABILITY TO USE A CELL PHONE AND THEIR FUCKED UP SELVES THAT ARE CONSTANTLY BRINGING UN-NEEDED FUCKING DRAMA AND STRESS INTO MY PARENTS' AND MY LIFE.
Fuck the fact that my cousins are going to ignore me again, and than wish that they'd spent time with me right before they leave.
Fuck the fact that I'm so fucking jealous of them, and their filled-up lives.
Fuck the fact that I hate my own, empty life.
My grandma being here means I can't check my weight very often, and right now I really want to know because I've been putting off checking it.
And I've been eating like a fucking hog.
It makes me wonder if maybe I was trying too fucking hard, to mess myself up, to find something that I could pour all my hatred into, something that would show how legitimately I hate my body, and essentially hate the hopeless mind that's inside of it.
Then it makes me feel like a *cough*"wanarexic"*cough*, or just an attention whore, that I still want to fuck myself over.
I want so badly to just... I don't even know.
I guess I can sum up everything I want in to just being skinny.
If I was skinny, I :
- WOULDN'T HATE MYSELF SO MUCH
- WOULD HAVE ACTUAL FUCKING CONFIDENCE
- WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE SUCH AN ATTENTION-WANTING WHORE
- WOULDN'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF
- WOULD HAVE BETTER FRIENDS
- WOULD ACTUALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH MY 'FRIENDS'
- WOULDN'T BE JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE LIVES
- WOULD BE AN OVERALL BETTER PERSON
I hate all this wondering, all this curiosity, all this doubt that the fact that I want to be "fucked up" actually makes me just a wanna-be.
IHATETHIS.
In 2011, I want to make actual changes.
LIKE,FORREAL.
Hopefully, Jean, my neighbor, and I will be getting a gym membership.
By New Years, my weight will probably shock me back into restriction.
Huh... Might as well say buhbye to my followers, now that I've admitted that I'm just a poser.
...Sorry.
But, after reading this over, there's just one thing I have to say;
I don't meant that I want to be anorexic, no way. I was just saying that I feel like a wanarexic, for wanting to go back to the craziness I put myself through two months ago...
Actually, I'm just making myself sound even more wanna-be-like by trying to explain myself.
Fuck this, I'm so confused and my head hurts and I'm pissed that I'm hungry in the middle of the night and I hate that I can't go check my weight to convince myself that I don't need food and I keep thinking about school and the fact that D didn't text me today even though he said I was supposed to go to his house and stuff and I'm hating all of these run-on sentences and I just want to sleep but then again I don't and I don't want to do my pathetic work out but I know I should and I want to cut but I can't and I hate my hair, it's too short and too dark and the dye made it smell bad.
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