Birthdays and HP.

It was Mickey's birthday on Friday.
She had a party, and it was a mild disaster.
It ended okay, I would say.
But I think I've just been having a kind of bad time lately.
Like, there's someone that's walking around my life, dropping bits of explosives, forcing me to run before they detonate or stay and fight.
That someone is always me, of course.
I fight, but I run. It's confusing. I don't know what I'm doing.
The future is forever in my face. I'm terrified. God, it's so black.

I finally watched the final Harry Potter.
It's done now. And I'm sad, because it was a large part of my childhood.
It's a love I've had forever but haven't divulged in in a long time... and now it's done.

I feel like an emotional wreck.
Everybody uses me.
Only Jean really likes me.
I want to go back, back to any time but now.

Laterz.

Prom and Hunger Games.

~159.

Hey there.

It's been a while.

One of my things I wanted to do this new year was post everyday, but I've obviously already messed that up.

It's okay. Just because it's 2012 now doesn't mean I have to change so drastically. I can take it slowly.

I remember I used to love blogging. I loved getting on and just writing about nothing; I didn't care if I got comments or if I was gaining/losing followers.

Things have changed, I guess. I see Blogger now, sometimes, as a huge popularity thing.

And I just don't have the right personality to be 'at the top'.

I just have to stop giving so many fucks. 

I want to be more carefree, more self-sufficient, less worried and anxious.

These are mere hopes, though. I don't really expect to be all calmed down this year; if anything, I might be even more nervous as this year goes on. 

The end of junior year, summer, senior year. 

It's going to be hard. I know it is. 

There will be good times though, I know that much. And that's what I can look forward to, when I suddenly get freaked out because life is moving too fast and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING and not doing anything right and I'm going to end up sad and alone because I can't stand the thought of sharing myself and my everything with another forever.

It will always get better.

I ramble that off to so many people, and I have to keep it in mind for myself.

It WILL always get BETTER. Even when I'm at rock bottom, I can only go up, right?

...I watched Bridesmaids last week... it stuck. ;)

Anyways, there's some things that have... happened since I last wrote a legit post, that I guess I'd like to document.

• I was asked to prom, and I said yes
• I was asked out by the same guy via Red Bull can... and said no
• I realized it had just happened again -I'd 'fallen' for someone momentarily, only to realize I really could hardly stand them at all
• I found out, with the help of Beth, how much of a needy and whiny ass he really is
• I also found out that Christine likes him, and I joked that I would set them up
• I figured out that she actually wants me to -fucking bitch... what? I'm rude...- and stuff, and I figured out that I really didn't want to
• I got Beth to tell the dude that I didn't want to go to prom with him, that he should ask out Christine and go with her, and that it had nothing to do with him -my not wanting to go
• He acted like a whiny stupid fucking BITCH
• I notice now that this all has to do with boys... Euw
• I got a laptop for Christmas. FUUUCKKK YEEAAAHHHH
• I decided that I want all black hair for a while to let my stupid and self-cut layers/bangs grow out, and am now impatiently waiting for January to be nearly over so I can dye it
• I hit a very low point, and also a very high point, over Christmas Break
• I tweaked out because I think everybody hates me and is only using me to get something, and everybody is secretly plotting behind my back
• I took those online tests that are supposed to be "just for fun" and give diagnoses for, like, depression and stuff
• I received results from two tests that said I was Bipolar
• I giggled on the outside but nodded on the inside, even though I know I'm just an insufficient twat that wishes she could take all her invisible problems and give reason to them
• I noticed that everybody -including my own fucking mother who should've grown the shit up by now- is an attention whore
• I started to wonder if maybe I'm stupid for hating anybody that looks for attention
• I know that I look for it sometimes, and I think maybe I should start getting pissed at myself, rather than everybody else, because it's not my fucking problem what they do with themselves
• I noticed just now that these bullet points are hardly different than how I usually write
• I decide I still would like to keep them
• I get tired of writing in this weird format
• I have a two-hour late start tomorrow and I'm terrified
• I think I gained around 6 pounds over break
• I hope I don't fuck up tomorrow
• I want to start keeping track of my weight on here, no matter how embarassed I am
• I really want to start posting everyday again
• Maybe I could start commenting too...
• I know it doesn't really matter to anyone but me what I'm doing

Laterz.

Also, I read Hunger Games yesterday, all at once.
Finished the first book in ~5 or 6 hours, around 9/10 but closer to 10:00, to about 2:50.
I lied about finishing it all to my brother to not seem like such a freak, even though we're so very alike with this fondness for reading, but I'm going to ask for the second one tomorrow...
I love Hunger Games.