(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Standing and scanning [and Day Three].

Only I would be excited about burning off a shit ton of calories standing and working for ~7+ hours, only to get home and ruin everything with "Sunday Dinner".
Fuck my life.

Aniwayz, I'm so tired, so another short post.
Plus, I'm on my phone, and typing on this isn't the most fun thing I've ever done...
Like I've said multiple times before. xP
But not in a long time, since I haven't been posting like I used to...

God, I WISH I still counted calories. I've gotten so lazy and haven't in, like... ever. Maybe this would be a nice time to start back up. But yeah, my goal every day is 0, but since that is majorly impossible for me... On good days, it's 500 or less, on bad days it's 500-1000, and anything over that makes me sad/mad.

Oh, um, I think it was Haley..? If I spelled that wrong or totally failed at knowing who it was, my bad.
The 60 Day Challenge is just something Samzi -would link but on phone- has on her page. I've no idea if she made it or any of that, I just know she is doing it and once I saw it I thought I would give it a try as well.
Hopefully that link works...

Laterz, loveliez.

Markers and abs [and Day 2].

I don't really have time to elaborate on the title...
Is that how the word elaborate is supposed to be used. It sounds funny.
Anyways, I decided since it was late on Thursday and that's sort of an awkward day to start something... I "officially" started the 60 Day Challenge yesterday, on Friday.
And so if we just pretend that it still is technically Saturday -it's only 12:30am-, then I can do Day Two and not have a whole jumble of days on one post.
Yes, two can be considered "a whole jumble" apparently.
Oh, I had Chicken In A Biskit at Mickie's house after the football game, but I don't really count those as chips.. They're more like crackers?
Aniwayz; -on phone so unable to change font color :/ -

DAY TWO: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Um, to look better, and feel better, and be a better person? That's it, really. I don't know, looking better and being able to wear the clothes I want and not be self-conscious is basically it in a nutshell.

Anyways -Jesus, said that a lot in this post..- I have to wake up at 5:30 to go help my dad with inventory somewhere...
Makin' bank though -$23/hour, I think.
So yeah, time for sleep. :P

Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I think I'm going to start this challenge that Samzi has on her page...
60 Day Challenge. :)
I have no idea if I"m going to be able to do everything, since I live with my parents and I'm only sixteen and some of the things look like they'll be difficult for me to pull off and shtuff...
I can try though, and at least I'm giving effort by starting!
And you guys might remember the last challenge thing I tried to do... I did all the days, but I missed days and had to post multiple ones in one post... Yeah, that was fun. xD

Anyways, let's get this going.
Weekly Challenge - Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
I am definitely doing chips. They will be the death of me.
How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the sixty days? (Be realistic)
And now I have to go weigh myself... I skipped it this morning. UGH.
So,  at  6:39pm after I've been drinking water and eating today and have all my regular clothes on (jeans, belt, t-shirt, tank top under), I am 163... That's embarassing.
Also, I am 5'7, and at the end of this, realistically I'd be happy at 149. That's s the number I've been aiming for for months, basically actually since I've started this, so that's nearly a year. I mean, I've hit other goal weights since starting this, but 149 is something I've never seen before. So yeah, maybe and hopefully this will help.

Yeah, so... I have homework I haven't done. English stuff, but maybe I'll just try doing that during Band or Math tomorrow... I don't know.
And I'm totally mortally embarrassed about my weight and actually putting it on here after not posting it for so long....

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Footballs and flutes.

Quick post, because I just want to!
I have to leave in... either 7 or 8 minutes, depending on what clock I look at...
6 when I look at my phone.
That's cool? WTF.
Anyways, I'm going to a football game.
I have to go, otherwise I definitely wouldn't... I could be sleeping or something, but it's getting me lettering points for band.
I've been waiting for my mom to get home from dropping off my brother at basketball for, like, a long time, because I want to ask her if she has a long-sleeve shirt I can borrow because I don't have any... and I need layers. :/
Also, I can't decide if I badly want our team to win or lose...
Like, I want them to win, 'cause it's totally shweet that they've gotten this far, but these games take up my frickin' time.
And make me have to suffer in the fricking RAINY COLD.
Know how hard it is to play a flute in MN weather?
If you don't, consider yourself lucky.
If you do, YOU KNOW MY PAIN.

Um, I'm doing really bad as usually with... everything, or whatever.
My last three attempts at fasting have been bad.
Lately I've just been going to bed hoping not to gain, which has a 50/50 chance most of the time.
Actually, I have plenty, I JUST NEED SOME FUCKING HELP.
Or some goddamn ductape.
Um, yeah.
Going to go shove some other layers on I guess.

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Belonging and fasting.

I'm such an idiot.
I am completely incapable of keeping track of when "mother nature" is supposed to come and terrorize me, and I seem to love attempting to not eat on those days.
Then showering pretty much kills me.
JK. But seriously.
Had to lie on the floor to make the blackness go away.

Ugh. Aniwayz;
I don't feel like I belong anymore.
Like, here, real life, anywhere.
My inability to stay and be active on any site or anything for more than an undetermined amount of time makes it hard to, like, actually feel relevant.
Lol. I don't make sense?

I feel like I have a lot to say.
Uhm, for those that have been following me or reading this long enough might remember the boy I was as-close-to-obsessed-with-as-I-can-be way back when.
He's kind of back in the picture, but I don't think I like him.
Okay, call me out on bullshit. I sort of do, but I think I just have this thing where I have to prove to myself that if I want it, I can have it.
I'm too fugly to have it, or anythingone, though.
Emphasis on the ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffugly.

Whatever. I've just been hanging out with him lately, nbd. I've also been hanging out with Mickey -girl, jsyk :P - and Christine much more than usually.
I'm at a loss for friends.
Lol. That made me sound like a bitch.
I fucking love those two, just sometimes Christine needs a punch in the face.
I guess e'rybody needs that sometimes though.
Lol. Gangster. ;)

Lalalalalalala. I'm talking to a ~ten year old on Facebook.
Winning? No? Okay...
It's my brother's friend and we're talking about her coming over to give him his late-birthday present, and she started the conversation, so it's not like my FB life is total fail.

I have to go tell my parents they might be over now. xD

Oh, found a good/bad thinspo type thing today.
Apparently Deli has lost thirty pounds.
Kill me now.

Kay? Yeah? RIGHT.

Laterz, loveliez.

P.S. Dyed my hair sort-of-black yesterday with purple... Pics maybe later? Like, tomorrow since I'm shit-skrubbin' hxc today.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Lost razors and papers.

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now.
It's supposed to be "informal", which sucks, because I'm ballz at writing "informally".
I'm supposed to have done quite a few things today, neither of which I have done.
I was supposed to not eat, and I was going to RP with people that I now rarely ever talk to.
I ate because... I don't really know why; because it was there?
I didn't RP because I can't keep focused on one thing for very long, and that just would've been Hell.

I'm trying not to cut right now. I've realized that I could do it on my hip/side and no one would ever notice.
That area is always covered up...
But I think I haven't cut in, like, a year? Maybe more? Less?
I don't think I have since I've had this blog... but I remember telling you guys about it once...
Should I count the small ones on my thigh? Do the deserve recognition? They're little, but they scarred.
Does that mean anything?

Anyways, I threw my razors away a few weeks ago before school started.
I had thought I'd thrown them away before, but then I found some more in a place where they had been hidden and I had conveniently forgotten I'd hidden them.
Just a few minutes ago I went through the trash thing in my room to see if they were still in there.
They weren't.
I found something in my drawer though.
Didn't think it was sharp, like, at all, so I ran it lightly across my side and it stung and kind of gave me a cut.
I got excited.
But I haven't done anything yet.
I don't want to, but I feel like there's something inside of me that needs to be let out.
This thing inside of me that so desperately craves the attention and want of others needs to be let out, bled out.
It's not at all possible, but there has to be some way to get these pressures out.
They need to go away.

On a different note, while I am in a horribly pessimistic mood, I decided yesterday that I want to be more chill and carefree about things.
This is just fucking high school after all. Nobody really cares. It's going to be over in ~2 years.
So, I'm no longer pissed off at Deli at all. If she even did have sex in my house, it's in the past. Whoop-dee-doo. She's not the only one that's had sex in this house.
The only others so far have been my parents as far as I know, but still.
And I feel sort of like a bitch for tweaking so hardcore for so long, especially when I don't know if she actually did it or not.
Like, come on, Coral could/would lie.
I don't fucking know WHY she would, but I know she could.

My dad and brother are going to come talk to me... WTF.
Brother needs to the laptop to print out his birthday party invitations.
His birthday is on Tuesday.
He's going to be 11.

So, I'll talk to you guys later hopefully... and hopefully I have no new scars to barehide.
Maybe there will be a picture post later, since I have accumulated quite a few from over the summer that I should put out and/or delete.
Laterz, loveliez.