(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Lost razors and papers.

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now.
It's supposed to be "informal", which sucks, because I'm ballz at writing "informally".
I'm supposed to have done quite a few things today, neither of which I have done.
I was supposed to not eat, and I was going to RP with people that I now rarely ever talk to.
I ate because... I don't really know why; because it was there?
I didn't RP because I can't keep focused on one thing for very long, and that just would've been Hell.

I'm trying not to cut right now. I've realized that I could do it on my hip/side and no one would ever notice.
That area is always covered up...
But I think I haven't cut in, like, a year? Maybe more? Less?
I don't think I have since I've had this blog... but I remember telling you guys about it once...
Should I count the small ones on my thigh? Do the deserve recognition? They're little, but they scarred.
Does that mean anything?

Anyways, I threw my razors away a few weeks ago before school started.
I had thought I'd thrown them away before, but then I found some more in a place where they had been hidden and I had conveniently forgotten I'd hidden them.
Just a few minutes ago I went through the trash thing in my room to see if they were still in there.
They weren't.
I found something in my drawer though.
Didn't think it was sharp, like, at all, so I ran it lightly across my side and it stung and kind of gave me a cut.
I got excited.
But I haven't done anything yet.
I don't want to, but I feel like there's something inside of me that needs to be let out.
This thing inside of me that so desperately craves the attention and want of others needs to be let out, bled out.
It's not at all possible, but there has to be some way to get these pressures out.
They need to go away.

On a different note, while I am in a horribly pessimistic mood, I decided yesterday that I want to be more chill and carefree about things.
This is just fucking high school after all. Nobody really cares. It's going to be over in ~2 years.
So, I'm no longer pissed off at Deli at all. If she even did have sex in my house, it's in the past. Whoop-dee-doo. She's not the only one that's had sex in this house.
The only others so far have been my parents as far as I know, but still.
And I feel sort of like a bitch for tweaking so hardcore for so long, especially when I don't know if she actually did it or not.
Like, come on, Coral could/would lie.
I don't fucking know WHY she would, but I know she could.

My dad and brother are going to come talk to me... WTF.
Brother needs to the laptop to print out his birthday party invitations.
His birthday is on Tuesday.
He's going to be 11.

So, I'll talk to you guys later hopefully... and hopefully I have no new scars to barehide.
Maybe there will be a picture post later, since I have accumulated quite a few from over the summer that I should put out and/or delete.
Laterz, loveliez.

1 comment:

  1. I wish you wouldn't self harm, in any way.

    Maybe google some other ways to let yourself out. Scars are ugly, and we want to be beautiful xx