(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Monday, May 30, 2011

Being sick and vacation.

I need summer. Like, now.

Memorial Weekend == camping. Obvi. :P
Friday night - Monday morning, in WI with family and family friends.
Hung out with a girl that's my age, my grade, my school, but we're not "friends".
Like... She's far too concerned about what other people think to talk to me IN PUBLIC.
Or that's how I see it, at least, but now I sort of feel mean for saying that. Shit.
Dig? Yeah.

S'okay, I guess I felt like being B.A this weekend.
Bad... ATTITUDE. (LAWL, jokez.)
Stole a pack of cigarettes from my dad, and drank maybe half of a Keystone Light.
Such a rebel, eh?
The beer was total shit but we were told to "gulp it fast" (not by our parents, FYI), and I only had 5 cigs all weekend...
Took some hits off some fake weed junk.
Didn't get high in the least.
Pretty sure my "friend" was fake baked, otherwise she's just a bit over-the-top annoying occasionally when she's "up there".
Texted Deli and told her what's up, and I apparently 'owe her now'.
As in, maybe I'll actually get high this summer.
Who the fuck knows.

It's late-ish and I'm tired and sick.
Sick like the stuffy, coughing shit.
And it's not even the phlegm-in-the-throat cough anymore.
It's a pathetic AHEM thing or something.
So annoying.
And I can't breathe out my nose properly without annoying myself.
It's almost midnight.
I want an energy drink.
I want sleep.

I think I gained over the weekend, too.
I hate even admitting that, I hate thinking about it, I hate that you guys have to see this constantly.
Can you say gross reverse-thinspo?
Story of my life.

Oh, and guys, if you're ever having some bad day/week/year, whatever, and you're posting about it and I'm not saying anything...
I am reading, and I do care, I just can't always think of things to say.

Unlike Thin or Not, who has been leaving me lots of comments lately. < 3
I love you guys, in a weird lesbian I-don't-know-you-but-I-seriously-WANT-you sort of way...
Not the love part though. That's legit.

Latuhz, lovelies.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Liquids and fasts.

You've probably already put the title together, and figured out that I want to juice fast.
Perceptive little one, aren't you?
Lol. Kidding, y'know I love you.

I don't like putting names to my fasts.
Like, at all.
For example, I don't say "I'm fat, so I'm going to fast today."
I just think "Gross, I'm not eating today."
The word fasting, to me, seems to symbolize more than just "not eating".
And I wouldn't be doing it for any reason other than to feel empty and loose weight.

So, smoothies and raw fruits/veg are allowed for me.
I just read Skinny Bitch, and it makes me want to go hxc veggie.
Aka, vegan.
Ugh, poor animals, hideous humans. :(

Anyways, we'll see how this goes.
Or, I will at least.
I've stayed the same weight for three days.

Latuhz, lovelies.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being unable to sleep and blogging.

Can't sleep.
Going to maybe try a little bit to not ramble, 'cause my phone is totally dying.
Fucking death.

I miss blogging, like, I think I do.
I forgot how this place is somewhere I can just take all my jumbling thoughts and throw them into the Internet, back out into the world that does not care.
Maybe this lack of release -and support?- has been why I can't do anything right lately.
"Anything" corresponding mostly to food, calories, binging, fasting, losing, gaining, and maintaining -OF COURSE.
Perhaps now, with summer very close and this blog, I can finally fucking DO SOMETHING.
I can hope, I guess...

I said, like, yesterday that Axel likes me, right?
Maybe a bit of backstory is now needed... OK, so...
He is I guess sort of my new 'best friend', that's a guy and that isn't Jean, Deli, Dan, or Beth.
You look at him, and the last thing you think is emotional and clingy.
So far, that's proven to be very wrong.
He was sad this weekend, so I was being a quote-unquote "good friend" and "helping him".
Honestly, in my opinion, I wasn't doing jack-shit.
So, after 2 hours of talking, it turns out he LOVES to compliment me, and gets royally ticked off if I disagree with him and blahblahblah.
Unless he was joking around -which is highly plausible, since it's hard to tell when he's being serious/sarcastic, especially over texts- I made him cry twice that night.
I know, right? The. FUCK?
Gross... I get that guys have feelings, but he told me he "locked up his feelings" and "hid his sadness with anger". Dude, I thought we would've matched perfectly, DICK.
The next day, he came over and we sat in my basement and didn't really do anything but talk.
I wanted to know the core reason of why he'd gotten sad the night before, since he'd said he didn't want to talk about it but then I heard I was involved and decided I WANTED/NEEDED to fucking know.
He WOULD NOT tell, he said it would be "awkward", which is weird since that kid does not ever get awkward.
I finally got it out of Beth, and it was just that Axel liked me and one of our friends had been saying shit or something? Dunno really how he got upset, but yeah.
Totally fucked up that the kid who was making fun wanted to ask me out hxc last month, right?
Since that fateful day, he basically hasn't left me alone.
I'm not annoyed, persay, but his feelings are just DOWN ALL THE TIME.
I understand that he doesn't have a dad and maybe he's depressed and his family "doesn't get him", but DAMN KID I CANT HELP YOU WITH EVERYTHING.
Where, exactly, is that emotional bottle he claimed to have?
Total bullshit.
And he seriously needs to stop complimenting me and thinking I hate/am mad at him and wanting to know "what's wrong" with me.
HULLO, I'm not going to explain my every low self-esteem induced, fucked up thought or opinion -about myself or anything else- to him.
I'm not depressed either, mmmmmmmmmmmkay? -LAWLz, South Park reference...

'Kay, hope to not ramble is shattered.
Vent completed.
Even if I've already vented twice or three times this week, to Jean, Beth, and Christine.
Oops. :P Oh well.
I'm sure you all just love to hear the tragic woes of a teenager searching for a love that is nonexistant?
Sucks that girl isn't me then, eh?

Also confided in Jean that I would so totally rather date a jerk that verges on abusive than some emotional and sensitive prick.
She looked at me like I was nutters.
I tried to explain that apparently some "perfect median" does NOT exist -at least not at this age, in this town...
She still thought I was a only a nut or two short of peanut brittle.

...That metaphor/analogy/simile did not work?

Oh well.

Hoping I lost from yesterday.
I really dislike that word -HOPE.
It's sort of ugly, for all the weird/wrong reasons.

I should go to sleep...
Phone's seriously nearly dead.
Latuhz then, lovelies.

Oh, and thank you Thin or Not for the comment. < 3

Monday, May 23, 2011

Days 29-30 and concerts.

DAY 29: My wish for the future
To be thin.
To be happy.
To not be like how I am now.

DAY 30: What has been going on this month?
The month of May?
Well, I dunno.
I've slacked in school -perhaps slightly more than usual.
I've gotten a D on a Biology test, 70 on an Algebra II test, and aced a History test.
I've been overly concerned about my life and my friends and my future.
I've found out Axel likes me.
I've gotten really pissed off that he has to fucking like ME of all people.
I've lost weight and then gained it back.
Basically, just more failing at life.

Not as proud as I would've thought...
Anyways, I have a band concert in 2 hours, and have to be there in 1 1/2 hours... bit less, actually.
I weigh ~3-4 pounds MORE then my last concert.
154 -February 28th.
157 -This morning, May 23

I suck.
Who cares.
I'm not a fan of life right now.

Latuhz, lovelies.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ugh and Day 21-28.

why can't i be assed to use capitalization right now?
i think i fucking spelled that wrong ^.
it's been a bad week.
plus side? i've got good friends.
like, the good-good kind.  the kind that doesn't talk shit.
...i still talk shit, though. like nobody's damn business.
one day, everyone's going to get together and decide they don't want me anymore.
"jessie is such a fucking wannabe. like, jesus, what a whore. slutbag, skank, ugly, fatfatfatfatfattie."

damn. that will suck.

sometimes i think i'm in love.
then i remember that love is bullshit; it happens to the luck and deserving, and then it probably is just some weird and lovely tolerance -not the legit thing or whatever.

DAY 21: My favorite TV show
Uh... Hard Times of RJ Berger, My Life As Liz, Pretty Little Liars, and Skins.
Then all the kick-ass oldies I watched growing up.

DAY 22: Something I don't leave the house without
My iPhone.

DAY 23: My celebrity crush
I don't really have one... Anyone I had at one point found appealing, needs a fucking haircut.
Andy Sixx and Max Green, for example.
They're still a bit sexy, though.
And the members of Alesana and Stereo Skyline.

DAY 24: A photo of something that means a lot to me
Holy shit, that's old.
...Aren't I cool.

DAY 25: Three good things that have happened in the past 3 months
I don't fucking know...
  1. I started hanging out with my new group of friends, nearly every Friday
  2. I passed a few tests, handed in a lot of homework, kept up my grades; got a stupid as shit "Perfect Attendance" award -that had to get hand delivered, since I refused to go to the 'ceremony' thing
  3. I realized what a dick my ex-boyfriend and now ex-friend is
DAY 26: My favorite memory
I seem to store only bad memories, so unless it's recent I don't know.
...I can't remember any specifics, but there were days in sixth grade that I felt fucking awesome.
I had a boyfriend, I had "friends", and I actually liked being alive and going day-to-day.
I smiled a lot, and laughed a lot.

DAY 27: What I'm currently reading
Nothing outside of school.
I read 1984 over the weekend, and now we're reading Shakespeare's Caesar in class.

DAY 28: My favorite place
My room, I think.
Or the lake up in WI.

don't worry, dear nobody-that-reads-this.
i'm almost done.

i painted my nails today.
i want to do a thing this summer, where i've always got my nails looking nice and my legs are always smooth.
and i want to stop eating, but idk about that.

yeah, i got un-lazy for those 30 day things, but now i'm lazy again.
fuck off.

just kidding.

laterz, loveliez.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Exhaustion and Day 20.

I'm so fucking tired.
Like, really.
I walked home today.
And have eaten less than 300 calories.
...My brother took out ice cream cake, though.

DAY 20: A photo of somewhere I've been to

At the top of the ex-Sears Tower.
Is it Willis Tower now?
This is in the clear box, at the very top.
I don't remember how many feet up, but it's, like, the second tallest building in the world?
I wasn't scared, not really.
It was awesome.
...And sticky fingering the gift shop at the bottom?
All I got was a key chain.

*Headdesks, slips off desk, and crumples into a heap on the floor.*
Only nineteen more days of school...

Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Stressin' and hatin'.

I need to release right now.
To fuck if anybody reads this, I guess.
I do like people to say if they relate, or to give me advice, though... (*nudge nudge hint hint wink wink)...
JUST KIDDING, yo' fuckers.

Anyways, let's go;
So, everybody remembers Chris, right?
My love interest for, maybe, a few hours? Yeah, he's a fucking DOUCHE.
Is that how you spell douche?
...Don't get distracted, Jessie.
Yeah, when he figured out that I was done "liking" him, which also meant done talking to him, he started going for the girl that he brought to my party.
Did I name her? Nah, for now we can just call her Swiggle (don't ask, like usually).
So he's all chattin' it up with Swiggle, leading her on and the like.
He asks her to the movies, and she is SO FUCKING EXCITED.
He then tells her he can't go, because he's gotta work (he works at BK, like LAWLZ).
Then he calls up Beth and asks if he and Scott -her boyfriend- would like to go the movies on Saturday with him and a girl.
...Gettin' it, yet?
So, while Beth and I are chillin' on the bus on a way to a field trip -with Swiggle on a different bus, since she's frosh, and Chris at school because he's not in any class that got to go- and we're talkin' about it.
We start gettin' all "Whut?" about what we're talking about, and tell Swiggle that Chris is actually going to the movies on Saturday anyways -without her, obvi.
I text Chris and ask him what the shit he's doing and why he's fucking around with Swiggle like that.
He basically denies it, says that he told her not to get her hopes up about going, and that he actually does have to work and blahblahblah.
I tell him somebody's lying, because this bullshit isn't matching up, then abruptly stop texting him.
Swiggle keeps texting him later, and he's spouting all this "holier-than-thou" 'tude and saying shit like:
"I've liked this girl for a really long time, and we had a chance to be together so I took it.";
"Aren't you listening? I said I liked you a little."; &
"I'm not being an ass right now, but I can be."

Like; holy. Hell. WHUT?
He texted me later that night though, my guess is because he wanted to see if I was seriously pissed at him, but I just didn't bring it up.
Thought about tellin' him he was an ass, but got scared of impending conflict.
So he thinks we're still friends.
He's not cool, he's not hot, and he's not everything he imagines himself to be.

We've been trying to FaceBook creep his new girl, but my phone's been dumb and says he's got no friends and all that.

Is it messed up though that if he had been some sort of a dick, instead of a clingy girl, when we'd been doing our "thing", I might've been much more interested?

On the bright side, he didn't come to my house last Friday for my "annual/weekly/bi-weekly party" thing.
An exchange student and a different guy came instead.
LOVE THEM. < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3
They're funny, and totally my new friends -if not besties.
Sadly, exchange student has to leave June 17th or something. :(
And we're all hanging out at Beth's -everybody that usually chills, minus Chris and plus exchange student and his bro' from here that sits behind me in Bio- on Friday.
Maybe making cupcakes with Deli that day, since Beth's birthday is next Monday.
But, not for sure yet.

Deli thinks I hate her, because I'm going through one of my 'episodes' where I do hate her.
She's annoying and has, like, multiple personalities and always -ALWAYS- has to befriend my friends...
But she's still one of my closest friends, and I love her.
And I'm way more positive about things this week. xD

Even though this time of the month makes me want to off myself.

Also, I've been failing at everything concerning food and weight, and have shot up a few pounds and can't fucking drop...
Or when I do, I binge like Hell and gain it all back within two - three days.
I'm so sick of it.
I hardly ate today, though, and it's pretty chill feeling.

This is long, but it's vent-session.
I've already vented about it in real life enough, but putting it here is better.

Also [x2], I took some personality test -don't have the link or results handy, sadly-, which said that I could possibly have two or three different disorders that would be linked to my fear of close relationships and dependency on others (to help me with life and decisions, while I really prefer to be hanging out alone most days).
I don't think I have some disorder, but it's pretty suh-weet that I'm not completely fucked up for being like how I am.

Also [x3], I'm supposed to take some online test that will determine which side of my brain is dominant -which corresponds to the opposite side of my body- which could also explain why I am how I am.
It's slightly fucked up and peculiar...
And I'm supposed to write at least one page about the results and how it actually does tie into my personality, but I dunno if I'll do it.
I'm getting so behind... mostly in Algebra II.
My brain -both sides- have checked out of school, and I seriously stopped caring.
I never really cared before anyways, but it's bad.
I'm behind at least three assignments in math, and more now that I didn't do tonight's assignment...

Jean lied to me about having her stuff today, though, which is utter bullshit.
Said she had it at home, when it was actually in the other locker.
I could've used her fucking math book.
Ugh, whatever.

Also [x4], someone got into my locker or something, I think, and five-finger-discounted-ed my Spanish stuff.
What. The. SHIT?

Agh, people and their nonsence and lives and utter fuck-a-billy ways of messing with me and how I am.

Laterz, loveliez.

Days 12-19.

Seperate post for this, because nobody cares. ;P

DAY 12: A photograph of the town I live in
I actually don't have one, so to Google I go...
(I actually use the Yahoo!/Live Search thing... shshshsh)
Go my town's website -yeah, we have a website apparently-, the pictures make us look like some hick-ville made up of all trees.

My school.... The back of it, anyways.
I spend about 7:00-3:00 here, Mon.-Fri.
(7:00-3:00 is an exaggeration, considering I rarely leave my house until 7:00 am, since school starts at 7:30, and I'm usually gone before or at 3:00, since school's done at 2:10 and I've nearly always got a ride... or else I walk, which takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour, or more...)

DAY 13: My favorite cake recipe
The shit?
The cake I like can't be made exactly, like, at home...
DQ Ice Cream Cake, baby. So fucking amazing, and so fucking in my house right now...
But don't worry, I'm not having any.
...(As if you were worried, yeah?)

DAY 14: My favorite vacation
Uh-hum... No idea, really. I like when my family goes out to WI every year -multiple times- and just chills, but I also like the idea of going somewhere SO FUCKING AMAZING.
Chicago was sweet.

DAY 15: My favorite songs that match a certain mood
Is it easy to tell I'm really not into this right now? xD
Jamestown Story -sad, depressed, etc.
"Screamo" -pissed off, "emo" moods
Anything else -all the time, basically
I actually don't coordinate my moods to my music most of the time.
I just hit shuffle, and listen to whatever the fuck I feel like... or whatever the fuck pops up.

DAY 16: A photo of the last item I bought

L'oreal Paris Colour Rays Fuchsia Flash.
Pink-ish purple for streaks in my bangs -sort of like the box, though I'm blonde- and for a small-ish portion of the bottom layer of my hair.
Hopefully to be done this weekend, by -or with the help of- Jean. ;P

DAY 17: What I wore yesterday
...Black Joker t-shirt, jeans with a hole in the knee.
Lazy Sunday.

DAY 18: What's in my makeup bag?
Too much... xD
Want to get all technical? 'Sha, 'SHA!
(It's actually all sitting on my desk right now... Same diff'!)
  • e.l.f Beautybook Bright Eye and Smokey Eye Edition
  • Sonia Kashuk little brush case (that came with Large, Angled, Sponge Applicator, Crease, and Smudge/Liner)
  • Hot Topic palette (dunno the name -blue, pink, green, orange, yellow) that is running very low on EVERYTHING BUT ORANGE
  • multiple e.l.f eyeliners -including brightening- in black and brown(s)
  • multiple e.l.f liquid liners in black, brown, and some weird purple/brown
  • L'oreal Voluminous Carbon Black mascara
  • Hard Candy Ginormous Lash mascara in Carbon Black and Electric Blue
  • Hard Candy Curl Up & Dye mascara in Ink
  • Hard Candy Nobody's Perfect Concealer Palette
  • Hard Candy Face Facts box thing (came with primer, three eyeshadows -shimmery white, gray, and black-, Blush Crush and So Baked bronzer)
  • L.A. Colors palette (dunno the name, has white, black, grays, and blues)
  • e.l.f eyeshadow duos (came in a pack of four -browns, purples, blues, and greens)
  • Hard Candy brushes case (with brushes that I RARELY use, except for the angled which I TRASHED)
  • Hard Candy Walk the Line liquid eyeliner in Night Sky
  • Hard Candy Eye Def glitter eyeshadow in Pool Boy and Sprinkles
  • Some fat, blue eyeliner that I jacked from my mom's cupboards, whittled down enough so that the name is unreadable
  • Two L'oreal Pencil Perfect Self-Advancing eyeliners in Ebony
  • Buxom Insider eyeliner -black
  • Hard Candy 1,000 Lashes fiberized lash weave mascara in Mermaid Teal and Midnight Black
  • Avon Astonishing Mascara in black -clumpy piece of shit, used it once and left it for a while and can never use it again...
  • Revlon ColorStay Liquid Liner in Blackest Black (dislike...)
  • Avon Perfect Wear Eyewriter Liquid Liner in Evening Black (like...)
  • Hard Candy Eyeshadow Primer
  • Hard Candy Meteor-eyes Baked Glitter Eyeshadow in Outer Space
  • Hard Candy Kal-eye-descope Baked Eyeshadow Duo in Ab Fab
  • Revlon Matte eyeshadow in (ripped off color name, but it says 005?)
  • Physician's Formula Shimmer Strips Custom Eye Enhancing Shadow & Liner in Pop Green Eyes
  • Two The Color Workshop lipsticks -both not mine, with color name ripped off
  • Icing Eyeshadow -black
  • Eyelash curler -Revlon, I think?
  • CoverGirl (BLECH) Trublend Minerals blush in Pure Romance
  • CoverGirl (BLECH[x2]) Trublend Microminerals foundation in Buff Beige
  • Natural Ice Original SPF15 Lip Protectant/Sunscreen lip balm (Deli's...)
  • Hard Candy Mouthing Off Sheer Lip Shine in Veil
  • Avon moisturizing(?) lipstick in Nude Perfection

Day 19: My favorite musician
Too many to name.
I've always had some weird love-crush on Max Green...
Anyone that's in the bands I listen to, really.
...Not going to list all of those...

RAEWR. Real, relevant post nao?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Quickies and Normalities.

I'm not going to write everything here right now.
I'm going fast, because I'm supposed to be going out in a bit.
With Jean.
Jean, the newly licensed driver.

I have to go out and be Normal with her.
Act Normal, Look Normal, "Be Normal".
I have to sit Normally, smile Normally, and eat Normally.
The thought of being, or being perceived as being, Normal is at once awesome, boring, and terrifying.
Sometimes, Normal sounds nice.
Right now, Normal sounds all right.
But, I don't want to be Normal.
Not only because of food... I just don't really want it, I guess.
Being Normal brings far too many stressors and rules & regulations along with it.
...Then again, so does being Not Normal.

I don't know what I want to be.
I hate not knowing things.

"To Be -Normal- or Not To Be -Normal-;
That is The Question."

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and being a fucking whore.

I'm not a whore, as in the real definition of the word.
But I just suck so much(not dick, FYI).
I'm bad at blogging, too.
Nobody likes me anywhere.
Fuck off.

DAY 7: My day in detail
This was supposed to be for Wednesday...
What the shit did I do on Wednesday?
I don't remember, so I'll just do today.
  1. Woke up, at sometime around 10.
  2. Pissed.
  3. Weighed myself.
  4. Got pissed off.
  5. Went upstairs, got food.
  6. Ate cereal(~400) and a Boston Creme Roll(270)
  7. Watched some Ru Paul's Drag Race (marathon, that's still on I think, and my favorite person won {Rajja}).
  8. Got on YouTube, trying to find tutorials to go with my E.L.F pallets and shadows I got yesterday and/or a tutorial for Natalie Portman's white swan look in Black Swan (which I watched yesterday with Beth, FUCKING AMAZING/QUEER/DISTURBING).
  9. Got on Blogger, caught up with everybody's blogs.
  10. Now, this.

DAY 8: My Favorite Quote
I have a lot...
This ^ today.
DAY 9: How Important Is Education?
Pretty fucking important.
Unless you have something you want to do that's artistic or whatever, you're going to need an education to get anywhere.
Even if you are artistic, you should still have one.
Fuck being stupid.

DAY 10: My Favorite Painter
Honestly, I don't know many painters.
Alex Pardee is pretty bitchin', though.

DAY 11: My hobbies
Writing, I guess.
...Eating? Not eating?
I don't have any; I'm not very interesting.

Laterz, loveliez...