(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Unhopeful wishes and leaving.

As if anybody will care, I just want to put this out here;
I'm leaving Blogger.
Well, blogging.
I'll still be 'round sometimes to read things, check up on people...
But I can't deal with this anymore.
I feel like a fake, like I'm forcing myself into or holding on to this thing.
This thing that just... I shouldn't be trying to keep it.

I just wanted to let you know that you are amazing.
You are beautiful and thoughtful and kind and you have so much inside of you that it astounds me.
I hope one day you will realize this, and you'll show yourself off to the world, and you won't care about anybody that dislikes you because you know they're just jealous, and you'll take down anybody that's ever in your way.
You deserve something(s) and someone(s) that are just as amazing as you, and will appreciate your every flaw and your altogether imperfection which, coincidentally, is what makes you perfect.
This is written to you, I promise; so don't think I'm lying, or this is meant for anybody else, because it's not.
Believe me? If not now, one day? If not sooner, later?
I sincerely, completely, honestly, truly hope so.
Really, I do.

There's no better way to start an unhopeful ending than with a sappy goodbye...
Laterz. < 3456789


I suck.
I'm horrible, disgusting, grotesque, FAT.
I don't want to exist.
I gained something like five pounds in five days last week, and I'm not loosing it.
I told myself I can't weigh properly until Saturday, but now I really want to know the real number.
I can't. I fucking can't.
I'm crabby and pissed, I don't want to go to school.
I don't want to come home after.
I wish it was Saturday.
I hate myself, and I hate coming on here and BITCHING about insignificant things.
I have to loose almost fifteen pounds in a month.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

_____ and Day 7.

I feel grotesque.

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.
Dunno if it'll work, 'cause I'm on my phone...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

______ and Day 6.

Day 6: A picture of someone you'd want to trade places with for a day.
Cassadee Pope.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Scrimmages and Day 5.

I don't want spaghetti.
I'm on a total yo-yo right now, spaghetti won't help.

I'm going to my brother's practice tonight, to scrimmage.
MMMM, ugh. Only Ann will be there I think, so I dunno; she's good at basketball, I'm nawt...
Unless Jean goes, and then I will be happy, 'cause she is good so I can just sort of be the 'filler' between her and Ann. ^^

Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory
This is a tree branch... I think.
I don't have a favorite memory, but I have some nice ones from being in Wisconsin...
So, yeah.


Sunday, February 13, 2011

Rambling and boredom (&Day4).

This is the latest I've been up in a while, I think.
I've got a new habit -which I HATE- of going to bed early and waking up early...
Weekends are meant for sleeping, ugh.
But I've been up for... 18 hours.
Pft, lame.
I think I'm going to Walmart tomorrow, with Jean at least.
If we've got a ride anyways.
Not having a license sucks some super major ass, I can't wait for Jean to get hers...
Ugh, April is so far away.
Ah, I need something to do.
This is what I've been doing all fucking day;
And even though I've done nothing, I'm tired.
Like, if I tried to, I could so go to sleep right now.
But I'm fucking waiting for a reply from a friend so yeah... I want to stay up or she'll never reply. D:
Rahrahrah, I went downstairs a while ago and weighed.
I was wearing my hoodie and pajama pants and it was way too much;
I don't fucking know anymore.
As of lately, I never know what will happen.
Not eating could make me loose a pound like it used to, or it could make me maintain.
I'm hoping I'm not crabby tomorrow...
I don't even like energy drinks that much, but I've fucking wanted one for, like, a week.
Ahahahaha, SLAP, Full Throttle, I-can't-remember-the-names-of-any-other-energy-drinks-except-for-Monster-which-I-don't-particularly-like!

Gah, whore just got offline.
Damn it...
Has it seriously only been twenty minutes?
Godfuck, time is going so slow.
My foot's asleep...
I think I might go to sleep...

Lucky me I don't have much make up on, so I can just fall over and crash.
I need to shave. -..-
Ah, pins and needles in my foot!
Fuckfuckfuck. It hurts and doesn't at the same time.

Oh, hey, dunno why I want to mention this but..;
Before Thursday, I could say I hadn't self-injured since around the end of October.
It's nothing bad, embarassing really.
I'm tired and feel a little out of it, even though it's only 12:30.
Ah, I want summer and staying up all night so I sleep all day and fucking sun.

...There's somebody in my bathroom.
The fuck?
Go to bed, silly family member.

I think I'm going to do the picture day thing now, so I won't have to later and blahblahblah...
Plus, I'm major bored and not moving to go to bed. :x

Day 4: A picture of your favorite memory.
This probably doesn't make much sense, but it's back from Christmas of 2008.
Back then -end of middle school-, I think I loved life.
I may have acted like everything was a drag and a hassle, but I'm pretty sure I actually at least liked life.
Things now are different.  I don't hate life I guess, but I don't think I'm really happy a lot, and back then I also had friends that I hung out with all the time... Yeah, shitty friends, great times.
The end.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

Skrubbin' and Day 4.

I'm totally chill right now, pretty much.
Just wearing my mega-soft Superman pajama pants and a huge sweatshirt.
My face's got some make up on it, and my hair could be done if I situated it right, but I don't care right now.

My head hurts.
I haven't eaten today.
I did 500 leg lifts -250 on each side.

I want more water, but it's dinner time...
Soyeah, gotta hold out I 'spose.

So fucking bored.

Day 4: A picture of your favorite night.
Uh... Gotta get on FaceBook for this one.

Well, there; a real picture of me and my friends.
L-R; Deli, me, Jean, and Coral.
This is before Coral moved and we stopped talking, before a lot of the bullshit, back when I gave a fuck about having friends... most of the time.
It's not my favorite night, but it's up there I guess.

Sorry about my fatness, compared to my friends' thin-ness.

Ugh, I want some major painkillers, or something that'll help me stay asleep.
I've been awake since 6a.m -it's almost 6:30p.m-, and only maybe two hours of those twelve or whatever have been spent out of my room.
I need a life.

I'm supposed to do something tomorrow, but I don't plan on initiating it, so if Deli and Jean want to be lazy fucks then fine.
Who gives a shit about school spirit anyways.


AHMYGOD, I did it again.
Ohkay, been meaning to reply to comments...
I don't see it, but thanks -for calling me pretty. If that's you in the picture -which I'm thinking it is-, then you're totally gorgeous. < 3 Ah, I thought the FunDip would make me hyper, but it didn't happen. :/ Haha, now I probably will...

Laterz [x2], forrealz I guess.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Writing [x2?] and Day 3.

I'm sort of a writer, I suppose, but I'm not any good.  I was going to bring this up yesterday, but I never did...
That is what happens when I'm stuck at home, on a night that I was supposed to have plans;
I ate instead, well not instead.  But yeah, the two fuckers ditched me I guess.
I got that ^ original idea from skinnie4evur; I'm pretty sure that's her blog anyways.
Most of what I got from her is the thought of having somebody from my head "come to life" -hers was Ana, y'get it?
Hopefully she won't care, and I entirely doubt she will.
It's no big deal, and I don't think I'll keep it going -or I at least won't post more on here.
I'm nervous about showing stuff to people, and I'm hoping I don't come back and delete all of that.
(I did...)
Gah, aniwayz;
Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

As if this wasn't totally obvious... Shitty quality picture. :P


Just last week I could eat 500 calories or less and loose a pound everyday.
Now I fucked something up and eating 150 calories of FunDip makes me pretty much stay the same.
I'm so beyond pissed.

School better be good, or I'll go fucking nutters.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Writing and Day 2.

All right, so, I'm bored.
I got no homework, except for getting stuff for my Spanish project.
Necesito un impermeable, una paragua, un gorro (de dinosaurio :3), y unos zapatos negros y blancos.
Ha. Yeah. Fashion show thing tomorrow. Blahh.

Today is supposed to be the last cold day.
I'm praying so fucking hard that that is true.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are thou among owmen and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
P.S: Spring time now? Plz&thnx.

Uh, I gained two pounds after eating "normally" yesterday.
Fuck my life.
Oh, and I finally got a picture uploaded to my post from yesterday.
It's a picture of me, and hopefully your eyes don't bleed.
Your not welcome. :D

Haha, yeah.

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Well, excluding family, that would be either Jean or Deli.
I don't want to upload pictures of them without asking or whatever, and I'm not asking, so I've just got to be sneaky about this...

Sign I made for Deli a while ago. :3

Birthday sign I made for Jean last year. :3

That, my friends, is being creative.
Go me. xD

O: I like pudding, sort of, but I never got really into chocolate.
Vanilla and butterscotch, NOM. < 3
...I've never noticed an after taste really. Huh. O;


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thirty Day Picture Challenge?

OhKAY, so, a bunch of people on my FaceBook have started doing this 30 day picture challenge thing.
I've decided I want to do it, but not on FaceBook... because I don't like FB much, and there's lots of IRL creepers on there. :O
So, I'm doing it on here. :D

And to every single person reading this right now, I'm tagging you to participate in it, too.

Anyways, it took me a while to find a link for all the days, but I finally found one:

So, all right, let's get this started, yeah?

Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.
(I'm doing facts first, mkay.)
  1. I've been a vegetarian since November 17, 2010.
  2. I've worn a wristband pretty much everyday for maybe, like, two years or so.  It's switched wrists from when I originally got it, because the scars on my left are more noticeable than the ones on my right.
  3. I can be a hypocrite.
  4. I have a big mouth, and I like to talk shit.
  5. Depending on who you are, you may know me as the biggest bitch ever, a nice acquiantance, or a very best friend.
  6. I'm judgemental.
  7. In exactly 202 days (yes, I did just count), I will be 16.
  8. I used to be a huge fan of The Joker, because he was messed up and didn't give a shit, and I loved him for that.
  9. I make YouTube videos, but only my close friends know, because I'm afraid people would make fun of me if they knew.
  10. I can be a camera whore.
  11. I can't have boyfriends, because I find flaws in everybody I get close to, and I can't deal with the thought of having to connect with somebody like that.  It terrifies me, but I'm also afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
  12. Honestly, looking into my future I can't see much.  I see a baby, and a small apartment, and maybe a nice job.  I can't see past the age of, maybe, 25-ish.
  13. I'm eating pudding right now.  I rarely eat yogurt or pudding with spoons when I'm at my house; utensils are a hassle.
  14. I love my little brother to fucking death, but he can be the most annoying son-of-a-bitch sometimes.
  15. I'm scared that I'm doing something wrong all the time, and that what I'm doing now is only going to get worse; my mom's been through so much. I can't hurt her.
I'll add the picture later, I have to help my mom and brother with his Valentine's Day box for school.


This is me, on February 09, 2011.
Sorry it took so long to get up, I got busy.


Is that what it's called?
Anyways, after hardly eating yesterday, I didn't loose anything, or else it was only half a pound.
My scale's fucked up, but I'm pretty sure I didn't loose.

I don't know what to do now.
Eat, not eat?
I'm trying to think if yesterday I could've gone way over 500 and not even noticed...
But that's, like, impossible.
I ate half of a Special K bar thing, to see if I could kick-start whatever bit of metabolism I do have.
And when I get home, I'll do some sort of exercise.
I fucking have to get past this dumb number.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Avoiding and procrastinating.

I've been in my room for, like, evar;
Basically just avoiding food.
Goooooo me!
Hah, not.
I feel pretty pathetic actually, but y'know.
I want these next ten pounds gone FAST.

Huh, I actually just had to think for a second if you get in to the 30s before or after the 20s and 40s...
It sounds dumb, but it made more sense in my head..;
Until I realized that I was being dumb?
Ehmagawd; xD

Uh. I have to do Algebra II.
I don't feel like it.
It might be the easiest thing we've done in that class in a while;
But I don't feel like fucking doing it.

Oh, I get out of dinner for the second time in a row.
Know how surprised I am?
I told my mom I didn't want to eat anything *Whoops.*, and she was all like:
"Say, what? Nothing?"
So I was like *Ah, quick save!*:
"I mean, I'm not hungry right now..."
Sometimes I feel bad about doing this to her, but then I think it's not really anything:
I'm just loosing weight.
That's a good thing.
The faster it drops, the better;


I've been ready for sleep for a while, since I got in my room.
I'm totally ready to just go to bed, but I've got homework...
But I can't do that right now, because I've got the laptop on my desk, and I don't want to move the laptop or do my homework on my bed because I don't want to but then again I don't want to sit on this chair anymore because it's getting uncomfortable and stuff and I'm very quite thirsty;
Being thirsty and doing homework is wrong.

^That right thurr is worthy of a P.S.A.
For those who are just learning that doing homework while thirsty is wrong, I am sorry to put a damper on your moods.
I know how many of you just can't wait to get home everyday and sit down and get out some fucking school work and just go to fucking town on that shit right there,
But I thoroughly advise that you have some water, or chug a bit of Sunny D, or have a sip of pickle juice, or -preferably- grab a damn Diet Dr. Pepper before you drop down into the deep recesses of your mind, where all your pleasure is felt, and do your shit-ton of English/Math/Social/blahblahblahetc.

Ha, I've got a problem.
And I've got my weight written on my hand.
Huh, I forgot I did that.
...I broke that pen today.
Chewed the end of it and broke the ink thingy inside, and sucked on it and inhaled a bunch of ink...
And then I swallowed. :D
...Just because I know y'all -xD y'all?- are thinking it: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Ha, I win; FIRST!
Anyways, part of me wants to wash it off, and the other part of me is too lazy... and is thinking it will probably come off in the shower in the morning.

My Life As Liz season 2 premiere tonight!
:3 ...That's far away though, maybe I'll just watch the recording when I get home tomorrow.
...DVR, I love you.

I should stop, because I feel silly.
But then again, this is a nice change from my rantrantrantrant posts;
Haha, my life sucks.
Not really, but yeah.?

I seriously need a pop, and I should paint my nails -probably won't happen-, and I need to just get my homework done.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Anxiety and nerves.

Everything is making me nervous and anxious and making me want to sleep and stay awake and never go back to school and starve and eat.
I weighed, and it was too much, and I'm freaked that I've gained.
But I hardly fucking ate, it doesn't make sense.
None of anything makes sense and it sucks right now.

Watching Skins makes me want drugs, or cigarettes, or alcohol;
Or anything that's supposed to make me feel good or all right or just fine.

But secrets, secrets and drugs:
They don't mix?
I'd say something accidentally about whatever, RP, whoever, calories, everything, food and weight.
But then I wonder, if I just tried, I think it wouldn't make a difference.
If I can keep quiet now, I can keep quiet then.
And I don't want to party, just do something with, like, Deli...
But Jean would kill me, people would be disappointed.

Fuck this life.

Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy.

Best show evar.
So messed up, and I love it.
Plus, this is my favorite episode.

I haven't eaten yet today.
I made my goal this morning, and yeah.
I need a new scale, mine sucks some major ass.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Blog designs and rearranging.

I rearranged my room a bit today.
...Ohkay, I only moved my desk, but still;
It counts. xD

I put some more shit up on my wall, like my signed A Skylit Drive and 3-D Joker posters.
Pft, finally.

Uh, I've been on the computer all day.
...After I had a mini-binge.
I gained half a pound yesterday, and if I don't loose a pound today...
My goal's been fucked.

I'm trying to stay positive, and I was actually major-positive for most of today.
Surprising, aye? AYE.

I'm pretty bored, the Internet gets boring.
Probably 'cause all I do is creep on PrettyThin, nobody's been on MYB, and nobody's been updating their blogs.
Makes me sad.

So what I've been doing for 'fun' is changing my blog layout thingy, adding stuff, and listening to music.

...I'm not very entertained. Argh.

Huh, it's 6:15 and nobody's bothered me about food yet...
Part of me wants to go out in the kitchen and see what's up, but the other half of me is like:

I'm so very un-interesting.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

This is going to suck,


Agh, I'm starting to strongly dislike birthdays.
Thankfully this is the last one until my dad's, which I won't be in-state for. :3

I'm going to try and consume the least amount of calories possible,
Without worrying about calories.

This is -going to be- fucking crazy.

Cuts and shaving.

I just took a shower, and seriously cut myself.
I was shaving and totally fucked up and took off some of the skin on the back of my leg, down by my ankle/Achilles heel thingy?
I pulled skin out of the razor, it was gross.
And it just bled and BLED and FUCKING BLED.
I didn't even, like, know what to do.
I kept trying to put it under the water, to wash off the blood so I could get out of the shower without turning the bathroom crimson, but that hurt and then I remembered that hot water doesn't stop bleeding?
Or I thought I remembered that, I don't know.
Yeah, but aniwayz;
The tub looked like a murder scene after, and I now have three 'heavy duty' Band-Aids on the back of my ankle...
Hahah, I'm so dumb.
I've got a slight headache now, and infeel sort of shaky, but it's whatever.
I'm trying to fast today, but it's my neighbor's birthday...
So, yeah. We'll see what happens.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Diet Dr. Pepper and wanting.

I want to eat something right now.
But I've already eaten today. I had a cinnamon roll with icing at school -Jean got it and didn't want it and I was so fucking weak.
And I've had, like, two bites of brownies...
I weighed when I got home and hadn't lost ANYTHING.
Usually I get home from school and I've dropped, like, a LITTLE;
but today it was NOTHING.

Ugh. And I'm BORED.
I want to sleep, but then I might wake up later, and be more bored...
Or I'll wake up way early tomorrow.

I'm SO SICK of this SHIT;
I want my license, I want more fucking friends;
I'm a whiny bitch.
Blahblahblah, Tosh.O is on.
Blahblahblah, I don't care.

I'm sort of cold now.
I wish it was summer.
I miss the fucking sun, and the ground.

I don't know what to say.
So boredboredbored.

I went to sleep and now I woke up and I'm bored again.
WhattheHell is wrong with me.
And I ate a biscuit my mom brought home and chugged some Sunny D.
And the scale still hasn't fucking changed.
I fluctuate like a bitch, so this is just RIDICULOUS.
I think I'm going to go back to sleep...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Fat pig.


Ice cream and a toaster strudel.
I was NOT hungry.

I fail. I suck. I should just cease to exist.

Jean told me that people who are actually bigger than the size that I want to be are extremely skinny and disgusting.
I don't know what to think.
And I just realized that apparently all my UGWs would make me underweight.
For my height, 120 is almost pushing underweight.

What the fuck evar.

Jean just got her dad's car stuck in the snow while trying to back out.
Helping push it out didn't burn nearly enough calories.
I don't even want to do my homework now.
I want to go get on my pajamas, weigh myself, and go to sleep.

Sun Chips and stomachs.

I'm so huge.
I ate a bag of Sunchips with Deli and sort of Jean.
Jean doesn't like Sun Chips, but she was hungry so she ate some.
1,000 calories, at least.
And I ate some stuff at school, not enough to really count for anything...
But still.

I can't gain. I'll be back at square fucking one.

Haha, while typing that, my phone tried to change it to 'Gangbang'.

Maybe I'll go back to where I was yesterday and the day before, that wouldn't be horrible.
...Now that I've started this binge, it makes me want to eat ice cream.
Hell knows if I fucking will.

At this second, I don't want to exist.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I'm not creative right now.
I never really am anyways, but yeah.
I don't know how many calories my fat-ass consumed today.
Maybe 200, at the most, I think.

I was going to eat cereal...
Cookie Crisp because it's the lowest calorie I have, ten less than Special K.
So after pouring some in a bowl, deciding that I poured too much, and putting some back in the box;
I ate it, two pieces by two pieces.
I don't know if I got even halfway done before my brother came out to eat his dinner.
"Jessie weighs five hundred pounds?"
...My dad and I were in a conversation before about Man V Food, and my dad asked how Adam didn't weight five hundred pounds, and my brother walked in then;
I tossed the rest, and my dad didn't even notice.
Then I grabbed an 80 calorie vanilla pudding, because I remembered we had those... and it was, once again, the lowest calorie pudding in the fridge.
I didn't really like it I guess, so I threw that, too.
I feel like a bitch...
Holy fuck shit, it's not my fault... Okay, it is.
I just know I have to loose AT LEAST, like , thirteen pounds before March 31st.

...I'm going to bed way early tonight. I'm fucking dead.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February and hunger.

It's the first day of February.
My half birthday is at the end of February; we celebrate half birthdays in Spanish.
Me llamo Julia en Espanol, mi cumpleanos media es el veintiocho de febrero -pero mi cumpleanos es el treinta y uno de agosto.
Si? Sisisi.

I don't like feeling hungry.
I think I used to maybe, at one point, but now I sort of hate it.
Probably because I want to eat, but I used up too many calories at school and then I came home and split a Poptart package with Jean.
I think around 415 calories, roughly, and it's 3:45...
When Jean leaves, I'll shut myself in my room and sleep or something.

Maybe more later...

Nevermind, I'm eating.
Dill pickle chips with Jean.
I hate this.
Pleasepleaseplease don't gain more than one pound...