(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve.

Today has sucked.
Turns out, being by myself isn't easier.
It's a whole lot fucking harder.
I'm left alone on fucking New Year's Eve, even my parents had somewhere to fucking go.
I cracked without even being able to restrict for 48 hours.
I didn't even do anything I said I was going to.
My room's still a mess, I haven't read anything, I haven't entertained myself.
Fuck my life.
Fuck the new year, 2011 is going to be dumb.

@Thinlypure, thanks for the comment.
As you can see, I didn't keep up the good work.
Lol. At least I'm not the only one that talks lyke a, uhm, valley gurl?

Minor accomplishments and laziness.

I'm laying in bed right now, at 2:22 pm.
I haven't gotten up yet. xD
I really should get up and shower and seriously force myself to clean my damn room, but I'm going to be home alone later... So I'm sort of waiting for that, I guess. :x
Yeah, I'm going to be home alone and doing nothing on New Year's Ever.
Hoo-fucking-rah for me.
Ohwell; IDRGAF.

Yesterday I managed to get by with only eating most of a.. erm, Boca meatless burger or whatever those things are called. O..O
My mom actually put it on some of those bagel things that aren't bagels? Fuck, I don't remember what they're called... :x
Anyways, I would've been almost content with eating it, but then she went and put butter on it.
Like; SRSLY?
So, I had one or two mini-bites of the burger on the bagel-thing, but then realized it was definitely too much, so I was 'sneaky' and took the bagel-thing off my plate and put it in the trash -shoved into an empty box of chocolate D; - in my room.
It's still there, under my bed; I'll have to throw it today. x..x
After that, I got most of the way done with the burger, and then I started ripping it into pieces.
I shoved two in my mouth and grabbed the other, like, three or something, went over and grabbed a napkin, and shoved the pieces in there.
Then I Enders up chewing a bit and spitting what was in my mouth into the napkin, too.
Then I threw it away, put my plate by the sink, and went back to my room...
Oh, and I downed a few bottles of water. :/
I was pissing every, like, half hour for the next three or so hours. xD
Blahblahblah, TMI. Shshsh. :P

Uhm, once again, muchas gracias heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. n..n
Sorry about your little 'mistake', an even sorry-er that you had to purge. :X
Ah, yes, I'm watching the first season now and LOVE ITTT.
Especially the eating disordered, blonde girl that I can't remember the name of now... Seriously, why can't I remember her name?
And I lovers Sid, and Tony, and Chris, and Maxxie -is that the gay boy's name? :O -, and Jal. :3
I actually got pissed when the Mad Twatter broke Jal's clarinet.
If someone would dare smash my flute, I'd strangle them. 3;<

Uhm, yeah, anyways... I say that too much. xD
Yesterday, someone was getting up my ass about saying 'like' too much...
So I imitated them and said 'DUDE' every ten seconds, instead. :3
Uh, seriously though... I should go shower, or atlast do something to get my lazy self out of bed.
Today's agenda:
Don't eat.
Clean room.
Don't eat.
Read as much as I can of Madame Bovary and The Scarlet Letter so I don't have to cram it all in on Sunday.
Don't eat.
Get on the Internet.
Don't eat.
Entertain myself until 2010 is finally FUCKING OVER.
...Don't eat.

Easy enough, hm?
OKAI, done.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New starts and Skins.

I've decided I'm done with this.
I'm done eating, gaining, and hating myself.
I still hate myself, but I'm done eating -for myself, I'll only eat when I've got to. :/
Thanks heiscertainlyworthit for the comment. < 3456789
It helped.

So, last night Jean slept over; she's such a nerd. xD
It was hard for me to get any sleep last night, because she takes over my bed and she breathes loudly and doesn't stop fucking moving, but it was worth it.
We're attempting to make a music video -House Party by 3OH!3. xD
We've hardly done anything because it turns out that WMM doesn't work with my new camera, so I had to download a new editor which is only free for 15 days, and yeah...
It was dumb.

Anyways, I'm not going to do anything today, except maybe clean and read...
Ha, nah, that's not happening.

Oh, almost forgot;
I'm so excited for the American-version of Skins, it's premiering on MTV on the 17th I think?
I've been watching the English -British?- version on YouTube, and it's gewddd.
The American one definitely won't be as good, because America has a habit of fucking things up, but I'm still excited.

But yeah, I'm going to go sleep... Or something.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Failing and anger.

I'm in a nice mood until I start blogging.
It sucks, I only get extremely pissed and sad at night, when I'm alone in my room usually.
I don't know why, and I don't really care anymore;
I just want it to fucking stop.
I was thinking today that while I'm in my room feeling fat and sorry for myself, life is going on for other people.
I don't have enough time to be doing this anymore.
I need to turn things around, I know I won't actually do anything to change anything... but I know that I should.
Maybe if I was, like, sixty pounds slimmer, everything would be all right.
But I'm not going to be loosing if I keep eating.
I'm pretty sure I'm gaining.
I'm like a yoyo, only I spend more time at the end of the string then the top.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More procrastination and hopeful planning..

I don't feel like blogging.
I don't feel like doing really anything.
All I want to do is sleep, forever.
And/or shoot my so-called "friends" in their dumb faces.
If you say anything about me not saying happy fucking birthday to you yesterday, I'll fucking scream. We were supposed to hang out, but you never texted me, so FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMB ASS GIRLFRIEND AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TURNING INTO A FUCKING STONER EVEN THOUGH YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T GET FUCKING ADDICTED.
I want to scream, I want to run.
I want to starve, I want to die.
Fuck me talking like this, I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not depressed, I don't have OCD, I don't have ADD; there's nothing the fuck wrong with me.
I'm just fat. That's it. End of story. Period.

No fucking wonder my friends secretly hate me.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


It's been Christmas for sixteen minutes.
Christmas Eve was good;
I got some Hard Candy make up, Inception, The Hangover, Eclipse, a gray tanktop, a new shirt, an ATL sweatshirt, super soft Superman pajama bottoms, and an awesome new camera. :D
At my house, we open presents from my parents on Christmas Eve, and presents from 'Santa' on Christmas morning...
And apparently this year my brother is waking everybody up at, like, 9:15a.m. Dx
So I should probably go to sleep. :/
But I don't want to go remove my make up and wash my face; I'm afraid I'll fuck up my nails -since I just painted them a looveeelyyy dark blue.
Oh, food today was actually good.
I only ate at dinner, and had some veg ziti, a bunch of salad, and some of that toasted bread stuff... And for dessert, a no-bake Jello Oreo pie thing.
It was good, and probably a jillion calories. x/
I'm just doing whatever now.
Until I see my weight after my grandma leaves, and then I'll probably freak the fuck out.
Yeah, okay, I think I'm going to go to sleep... Or at least get ready to go to sleep. :/

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve.

Huh, can't believe I actually forgot to get on here, for four days. O:
That's not a lot of time, but for me it is..? xD
Anyways, it's been Christmas Eve for nearly four hours...
My grandma is here, and tomorrow my cousins and aunt are coming...
And lucky me they're bringing a bunch of people I don't even fucking know.
They're not coming to see family they've been ignoring for months, no; we're just another place to hang out and get free food.
Fuck the fact that my cousins are going to ignore me again, and than wish that they'd spent time with me right before they leave.
Fuck the fact that I'm so fucking jealous of them, and their filled-up lives.
Fuck the fact that I hate my own, empty life.

My grandma being here means I can't check my weight very often, and right now I really want to know because I've been putting off checking it.
And I've been eating like a fucking hog.
It makes me wonder if maybe I was trying too fucking hard, to mess myself up, to find something that I could pour all my hatred into, something that would show how legitimately I hate my body, and essentially hate the hopeless mind that's inside of it.
Then it makes me feel like a *cough*"wanarexic"*cough*, or just an attention whore, that I still want to fuck myself over.
I want so badly to just... I don't even know.
I guess I can sum up everything I want in to just being skinny.
If I was skinny, I :
I hate all this wondering, all this curiosity, all this doubt that the fact that I want to be "fucked up" actually makes me just a wanna-be.
In 2011, I want to make actual changes.
Hopefully, Jean, my neighbor, and I will be getting a gym membership.
By New Years, my weight will probably shock me back into restriction.
Huh... Might as well say buhbye to my followers, now that I've admitted that I'm just a poser.

But, after reading this over, there's just one thing I have to say;
I don't meant that I want to be anorexic, no way. I was just saying that I feel like a wanarexic, for wanting to go back to the craziness I put myself through two months ago...
Actually, I'm just making myself sound even more wanna-be-like by trying to explain myself.
Fuck this, I'm so confused and my head hurts and I'm pissed that I'm hungry in the middle of the night and I hate that I can't go check my weight to convince myself that I don't need food and I keep thinking about school and the fact that D didn't text me today even though he said I was supposed to go to his house and stuff and I'm hating all of these run-on sentences and I just want to sleep but then again I don't and I don't want to do my pathetic work out but I know I should and I want to cut but I can't and I hate my hair, it's too short and too dark and the dye made it smell bad.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Conclusions and procrastination.

I'm the worst procrastinator EVER.
I've been procrastinating reading Madame Bovary -which I *coughcough* stole from the library... IM GOING TO GIVE IT BACK THOUGH- and I have to have that read and do a report/collage type thing on it and do the same thing for another "college level" book before the end of first semester...
Which is, like, JANUARY 27th, or something like that.
...And I have to have eight chapters of The Scarlet Letter read by the 3rd -the day I go back to school after holiday break.
On Madame Bovary I'm on Part Two -there's like six chapters in the first part, a shit ton in the second, and I'm not sure how many in the third- and I've only gotten through the first chapter of The Scarlet Letter... which is only two/three paragraphs... and we read it in class.
UGHHH. This sucks, I'm going to have to be reading over break. :/
Ohyeah, did I mention today my English teacher told is that we have to find twenty-five vocabulary words and take notes on imagery and such to connect it to the three "big themes" while reading The Scarlet Letter?
Did I also mention I'm only a fifteen year old sophomore? And it's only a PRE-AP English class?
Which means we're treated like we're in AP and expected to handle all of the work, but our grades aren't weighted and we don't get college credit.
Wow, I just wasted all that space talking about school? Ha, I NEED A BREAK.
On the bright side, I took a Bio test today and I think I did okay, and Secret Santa was mildly okay.
Ingot a thing of Tootsie Rolls and Sweet-Tarts.
I ate a few Tootsie Rolls, tossed a bunch at people, and D threw the rest behind his head at the frosh.
And D took my Sweet-Tarts.
Yeah, I got the message loud and clear:
sheesh, sometimes I really hare D. Like, he's funny and stuff, but he doesn't know when to stop.
And he's so fucking dumb... Like, no joke.
He's one of the slacker kids that never really tries, but sort of expects to succeed anyways.
My school is pretty much made of kids like that, and they're going to get slapped in the face by reality real soon.
Hm, what else is there to say?
Coral's coming back to town the 27th; she's expecting Jean, Deli, her, and I to have a sleepover.
It's not happening unless she calls me, I get so fucking sick of having to set up plans for other people sometimes.
And, uhm... I had a weird mood swing and actually gave two shits about what I ate today.
And I came to the total realization that my arms are the ugliest things I have ever seen, along with my stomach, legs, wrists, chest, neck, and face.
NoBigDeal, yeah?

< 3456789

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Presents and scars.

Sorry for two posts in one day, but oh well.
I almost went to sleep without wrapping the first present for tomorrows Secret Santa, but I remembered and just finished up.
I had to ask my mom to come inside from the garage, because I didn't know where the bag of stuff was.
So after we were done, I mentioned that she might need to buy more bags for wrapping things because I've got some nice presents for Deli and Jean.
She'd forgotten what I'd gotten for Deli -because I stole it ages ago, and was hesitant about showing her 'cause she always asks about prices and tells me that I should always save my receipts and blahblahblah...- so I had to go get the bracelet and ring.
I showed her and she got all excited because she just got a present -we did a family friend Christmas yesterday :D - that was in the "perfect box" that I could use.
We were looking at it and stuff and I wasn't wearing my wristband -since I'm dumb and thought she wouldn't notice my scars- and she saw the lines.
Basically the conversation went like this:
"What's that"
"Those... Are you cutting yourself?"
"Wha- OH. No, mom, I'm not."
"Are you sure? Don't joke with me.."
"YEAH, mom, I'm sure. I'm not, promise." [Insert hopefully-convincing smile and hasty exit here.]
I didn't lie, because I'm not... anymore. My scars don't fade, so I can't risk it anymore.
These ugly things need to fade though, I mean SHIT.
One from wayyy back is still fricking pink-ish and obvious/ugly.
She better just forget about this and let it go, I hate talking about this shit.
It's just a reminder of how weak I am and it's already a constant thing I have to remember to cover up every day.
...She better not "clean" my room tomorrow while she's home, I've got some old razors and notes that she DOESN'T need to fucking find.
Ohmygosh, why couldn't I just be the normal fucking daughter she wanted.
No, instead I had to be the fucking wannabe-messed up shit head that probably makes her wish she hadn't decided to have kids after all.
My brother better be nothing like me when he's a teenager.

Shopping and... ?

We're doing Secret Santa in my Band class, and I picked one of my semi-close friends...
She thinks I picked a different friend... She's not very smart sometimes, 'cause I'm sort of obvious about it. Ha.
But she gave me no ideas, and it's dumb.
So I guess I'm giving her Dr. Pepper, lip balms, Twix... and I've got to find something else.
Did I mention it's all three days this week?
Yeah... Ugh. I just need something "big" for the last day, although we're only supposed to spend like $3-5 or somethin'...
I would have everything ready if stupid Claires hadn't gotten rid of all of their Alice In Wonderland and A Nightmare Before Christmas stuff.
Like, really? That's all she said she wants.
And there's no friggin' Hot Topic 'round here.
I'm pretty sure all my binging is starting to show.
I weighed before I left to go shopping -which was after I'd already eaten a donut, a piece of cold vegetarian pizza, and a bowl of Lucky Charms... :/ - and I was at 162.5 and I was pissed, but I know I deserve it.
I mean, all the eating and semi-loosing/maintaining was driving me crazy; I did not fucking understand! I was grateful, but confused... and I hate being confused.
...Why is it that whenever I change the font/size/color, when I change it back everything looks different?
And then I sit and check to see if it's on "default" and "normal", and it is but it still looks funny?

< 3456789

Friday, December 17, 2010

Impatience and confusion.

I wish it was Christmas!
Ha, I dunno why I'm so friggin' excited this year, but I am!
Last year I didn't even really care, but this year I've been psyched since... Thanksgiving.
Ah, I'm a loser.
Why the fuck am I in a good mood? ...It must be the Owl City and the fact that it's Friday...
Even though I've got shit loads to do this weekend when all I really want to do is chill and sleep.
I've actually got to wake up at a certain time tomorrow. D:<
I'm waking up at 7:30-8:00 a.m to get ready to go to my brother's basketball game. x(
And then go shopping, to get some hair stuffff (maybe I should post that picture I have of my short hair? Even though you guys never saw it long... O: ) and Christmas presents for people.
Anyone else see that? ..Yeah, my bad mood is returning.
I can start off a post in such a FANTASTIC or at least relatively okay mood...
And be a complete DISASTER by the time I'm done.
...Meh, oh well. Maybe I'm bi-polar... but probably not.
Nothing really, considering I've actually been updating this everyday...
Shocker I can actually commit to somethin', aye?
...Well maybe it's not a shock to you, but it's a shock to me.
Or maybe you've noticed that I haven't even been able to commit to weight-loss?
Yeah, I'm a lazy fuck, when it comes to any- and every-thing.
...But apparently not blogging. :X

Hm, I was searching for quotes earlier today -actually it was thinspo at first, and then turned into quotes?- and found, like, three that I just fell in LOVE with.
...Hopefully I can find them again, because I'd rather just post the icon than type them all here. x..x

That last one is so definitely my favorite. Oh, wait, there's another... O:
Love that one, too.
Ughh, I'm forgetting something... Something that I wanted to say, or something I was going to do.
...This blows; I'm tired, but I've got to remember whatever it was.

< 3456789

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Alfred McDonavitch and sleep.

Lol. Alfred McDonavitch is the name of the guy on my Algebra 2 notebook that I drew. n.n
All right, well... Today was sort of dumb.
Hm, I need names for the people I'm going to talk about, since they'll probably be coming up in these a lot... :/
Well, the boy that I've been constantly talking about will be... just D. xD
One of my friends, Deli's bestfriend, will be Cat...
And one of my friends that moved to a different state in November but is apparently coming back for winter break -and probably bringing a SHIT TON of drama with her- will be Coral.
Deli, Dan, Jean, D, Cat, and Coral... Original, aye?
Anyways, D's still got stuff going on with his girlfriend's brother -or maybe it's ex-girlfriend now?-, even though he got suspended for beating up D yesterday...
His friends were just being dumb all day, I actually think they were LOOKING for D during lunch... Lame.
But D, like, left? I dunno when or where he went, I just know I saw him walk off before 4th hour and then didn't see him the rest of the day.
Ah well...
Cat and Deli ditched today. We got to school -Deli gets a ride with me from my neighbor- and we were sitting in the lunchroom -they were eating breakfast and I was just, like,.. Sitting there- and they suddenly just decided to get up and leave so they could "go and get high".
It was pretty fucking stupid, but whatever.
Cat's going to some sort of reform-ish school anyways, and if she gets caught skipping there she's going to have to go straight to court.

Hm, what else happened today?
Nothing really worth mentioning...
Ah, I woke up this morning and was at 158.5...
Now I'm at, like, 160.5 ish...

< 3456789

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tears and fights.

I want to cry.
I feel like shit.
One of my friends -the boy that "liked" me a long time ago that's got a new girlfriend that I don't like and that apparently hates me- got his ass beat today, by his girlfriend's brother.
I didn't see it, but I heard it was bad.
I'm so pissed; him and his girlfriend are still together I think, and I think things between her brother and him are cool, too...
I'm glad he's all right...
But I'm pissed that he didn't come tell me anything, even after he got out of the office and stuff.
He didn't even talk to me, he went directly to Deli and told her what happened.
I hate that I'm the last one to hear everything, and I only hear it because I fucking ask.
Nobody even cares, I could skip school for a week and none of my friends would bother wondering where the fuck I am.
I wish I was actually good at starving myself, because it's days like this that I want to starve myself to fucking death.
Like anybody would care.
I'm just the last resort, I'm the last one to be thought of, I'm the last one that anyone would give a shit about.
Except when it comes to Jean anyways, but tomorrow she's sitting with her different friends at lunch because she's sick of our table because everyone there is obsessed with drugs and sex.
I hate our table too, and I hate my fucking life.
I'm going to go force myself to shed a few tears, and stay away from the razor in the back of my drawer... hopefully.
Cutting is so weak, if my friends heard they'd probably laugh.
"What fucking problems could you possibly have, Jessie? Don't fucking hurt yourself for attention, that's puh-thetic Haaaaaa."


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hair-cuts and boys.

Yup, I got a hair-cut today.
I had sort of long hair, like the very ends brushed the top of my chest, and it had taken me so long to get it down there...
But then -like I usually do- I got sick of the same and said "Hey, I'mma cut it short again! Even though I always hate myself afterwards!"
Yeah, I planned for it to be about to my collarbones, but the lady SOAKED my hair before cutting it so naturally it got shorter once it dried.
I'm pissed, I look like a fat boy. :/
I don't think I can put up a picture while on my phone, so I'll have to do it later... But yeah.
So far the lady, my mom, my brother, my neighbor, a creeper on FB, a friend from school, and Jean have said they like it/it's cute/it's NOT BAD.
I don't really believe them, but oh well; it'll grow back.
And having it shorter gives me a chance to grow it out thicker, and dye it differently- which is a TOTAL plus. I'm in need of a fresh dye-job. n.n
Hopefully I can convince my mom to get the dye on Friday/Saturday, when we go shopping so I can get presents for friends and junk. :O
Also, to end on a sort-of good note before switching to a much shittier topic; short hair means new hairstyles, and looking like an individual again. EVERYBODY in my town's got LONG, THINNED-OUT, LAYERED hair.
Yay for being different. :D

Now, weight...
I've gained, and I'm binging like CRAZY.
I actually felt SICK from all the food I ate today... It was DISGUSTING.
I have enter FML/Fuck-It-All mode, and I'm scared shitless for Christmas/holiday break.
Oh God. :/


Monday, December 13, 2010


Gained .5lb after chowing around 2,000 calories.
My mom was sitting in the living room while I totally caved and ate and ate and ate...
And she didn't even say anything.
Obviously it's normal for fat people to just gorge and swallow everything in sight... But she shouldve said something to get me to stop... Like, sheesh.
Oh, and I've been wondering...
Do you weigh more directly after eating, or after the food has been digested or whatever?

< Whatever...

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Well, I've pretty much lost hope in love... completely
Dan and Deli broke up...
I'd wished for them to break up before -I know I'm a HORRIBLE person :/- but I never thought it would happen for, like, good.
If those two can't even get their 'shit' together, how am I supposed to ever expect myself to be able to clean myself up for somebody?
As if there is a somebody out there, but still?
...Huh, cant believe I'm so selfish that all I can think of is myself when two of my good friends just broke up 'for good' after six months.
...I'm a bad person.
Reason nĂºmero dos for why I don't belong in any sort of relationship.
The first being that I'm fugly, of course.

Ugh, I need to see how much damage I caused this weekend.
It's going to be BAD, I know it will... Fuuckkk.
I feel like crying, too bad I actually won't.
Last time I really cried would have to be around a month or two ago, when I convinced myself that if I ever did search for help or something, it wouldn't matter...
I'm not worth saving.
I had to silence my sobbing, which is pitiful, because I was just so... pissed.
Dunno why though, I wouldn't want to save somebody as horrible as me.

All right, hopefully now it's scale time...
Fuck, my parents are still awake.
Whatever, fuck it, I'm going to bed.
Fuckin' apologies to all the people that read this dumb shit.

< 34... Fuck it.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Found out today that the boy that everybody was saying "liked" me has a girlfriend.
I saw her today -with him- and apparently she's two grades younger...
I feel bad for saying she's not exactly pretty, but she's skinny.
I don't know why, but I'm pissed...
Even though I don't like him... Or, I thought I didn't at least... :/

I'm supposed to be doing something right now... But I don't feel like doing anything but sleeeepiinggggg.
This week took forever. I hated it.
And I bet I'm back up to 160.
Sucks to be there before the weekend, because weekend == gain.
Ugh, I think I'm just going to make up some shit excuse to stop talking to people, and go get ready for bed.
...I'll do a few push-ups, but I'm too fucking tired for anything else.
Wewt for failure.

Hopefully someone somewhere is doing better than I am.

Latuhhhh. < 3456789

Yup, ~160.5
If some of that isn't water weight, I don't know what I'll do.
I can't deal with this loose-gain shit anymore!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Thursdays, like, suck for me? Dunno what it is, but it's always Thursdays that I eat more. D;
Today I've had at least 1,000 calories, and that's a rough, probably low, estimation.
Also, Thursdays are sort of blah. I've started to realize lately that, not only do I eat more, but everybody is crabby and yucky... I hate having to go to school and deal with loads of them all at once.
I think I pissed off Dan today, it was dumb. Before lunch, he out his binder in my locker -I share a locker with his girlfriend Deli and Jean, it's gets messyyyy Dx- and then after lunch he and Deli were being dumb with their PDA, so I took his binder and pushed it between their faces and then dropped it. Neither of them caught it so it fell on the ground, and apparently on Dan's foot or something. So he kicked me. -.- And then he picked it up, and apparently I'd "broken" it, so he bitched and walked away.
God, he's more of a girl than I am.
And he thinks him and his girlfriend are such hot shit! Remember the boy that I mentioned that "supposedly" likes/d me? Yeah, Dan doesn't like him so he's constanly making up all this crap that he likes to stare at Deli's chest, when he seriously doesn't.
Me and Jean just really want to tell him that his girlfriend is not that hot. Yeah, Deli's one of my sort-of friends, and she's gorgeous, but there aren't very many people in our school that like her, or think she's pretty.
And his constant whining about other boys has given her such a big head.
Ugh, I should stop whining...
Dan and Deli aren't always bad, but sometimes I'd just like to punch them in their faces and scream at them that they're NOT THAT HOT/COOL/AMAZING.
Anyways, Dan's flipping out left me in a funk all of fifth hour, because I just get real self-concious whenever I piss someone off on accident or something. :/

Yeah, but, uhm... I think I was down to 157 this morning! It's probably gone up now, and I won't have an accurate number 'till morning, but yeah... I hope that I at least stayed at 157, since I doubt I've lost, and haven't gained.
I'll go insane if I'm not around 155 before the weekend, because I don't want to EVER go over 160 again...
Blah, I should go do my weak exercises before getting ready for sleep.
All it is is around 100 sit-ups, at least 40 push-ups, and these stretch-type-things I do for my sides...
I suck.

< 3456789

Just went down and weighed...
Back at 160. :'(
Take that 'I suck' from ^up there^ and multiply it by, like, 1,794,365...
And that might summarize how much I am disappointed in and hate myself

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I need better titles... :P
Anyways; Jean and Dan were over today! It was fun, and I haven't been hanging out with Dan at all lately. :/
He came up to me in school and was just like: "We're hanging out today.  I miss hanging out with you all the time." I just shrugged, like 'whatever', but yeah... I'm glad he came. n.n
We spent most of the time criticizing his girlfriend, Deli, because she was supposedly 'sick' today but instead had Kay -sort of friend of mine, Deli's 'BFF' atm- over and they got high...
So, yeah! Apparently Jean and I are supposed to stage some sort of intervention this weekend, because Dan wants all three of us to hang out so we can establish our 'group' again. I personally don't think it will work, because Deli knows what Jean and I think of drugs and the like... but oh weellll, it's her life, eh?
And, uhm.... Jean and I worked on our Gatsby project, all we really did was look up quotes on the 'net... xD But we're actually doin' good I think, hopefully we get a good grade. :D
...Though I doubt we'll have it done by Friday. x_x
As of this mornin', I was at 160, and majorly pissed at myself for gaining again... But I'm hoping I've lost since the morning.
...I've actually been doing sort-of-exercises?
SPEAKING OF! I need ideas for what I can do, since I can't just go out and walk around much! The roads are covered in ice, I've already fallen once... D; IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.
So, uh, yeahhh, ideas pleeeasseeee? (Besides the obvious sit-ups/crunches/push-ups/etc...)
Muchas gracias. :3
Hmn, I think I'll be heading to sleep soon...
It's nearly nine and surprisingly I'm still in make-up and school clothes, listening to my iPhone and typing on the laptop.
...I can't think of much else that happened today. :X ...I got, like, a B on a History test, I think... My Bio teacher said he's going to start doing it the 'college way' and just lecturing, since nobody likes to pay attention to him, and it's up to us to learn it all... even though we're just sophomores. Dx
I sincerely dislike school.
Kai, think that's it...
Anybody liking these long-ass posts? ...No? Oh, uh, yeah... sorry. :X
Seriously done now...

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Just went down and weighed...
Lost one pound! Only excited because I'm back in the 150s!
If I can keep loosing a pound a day, I could be at my first goal by Saturday/Sunday...
Then I could be near the 140s by next week! :O
Gosh, that makes it sound soneasy.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Actually wasn't bad, while it was happening.
Looking back on it now... I ate too much.
But at least I got to hang out with my bestest friend! n.n
I actually hang out with her every day... But it was still exciting.
She got her hair dyed -she tried really hard to just go dark, but it's all red and she was mad. xD It looks good though!
Have I ever mentioned my overzealous -right word?- love of hair... er, uhm, of hair styles/coloring and all that?
I've recently started cutting my own! Deli actually chopped it all up in the beginning of August -loved it then, now I'm just wishing for it to grow!- and I totally hashed my bangs.
I'm planning on a new haircut/bang style, but I'm sort of scared to go as short as I'd like. Gahhhhhh. Haha.
Oh jeeze, I got carried away talking about hair? Huh, I've got a real weird obsession...
Today I finished reading The Great Gatsby for Pre-AP English, and I got horribly confused by it. xD My friend that came over -need a nickname for her, but I can't just use first letters because I know lots of people with the same first letters... Uhm, I'll go with Jean. n.n- and I are supposed to do a project on character analysis for Friday, but all we've done so far is search for answers on the Internet while I tried to make our slideshow title page look cool... :D While we were on SparkNotes and junk, we think we found the website our teacher gets his lessons from... It was funny!
Gosh, I need to stop ramblingggg....
Hm, on a much more depressing note;
I've gained weight. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
So far, all of the 'hard work' I though I'd been doing is down the drain.
Ice got to turn this week around, or I'll drive myself crazy.
Hell, I think I might already be crazy... Meh, probably not actually.
..Oh, and the topic of anorexia and EDs came up a few times today;
I feel bad now that I felt sort of guilty and squirmy while my neighbor and mom talked about the dangers of not eating...
It came up initially because my neighbor lost four pounds this week, even though she does not need to loose anything!
She said she did it by not eating much.
I'm going to try and use that as my motivation;
If she can do it without trying and without needing to loose anything, I should be able to because I NEED to.
Okay okay, I think I'm done now... Hopeully anyone that tried to read this actually CAN; typing on a phone can be a bitch and I don't feel like re-reading everything... I'll do it later.
Now I just want to sleeepppp.

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Saturday, December 4, 2010


I've realized that this blog has been entirely about two things;
Food and weight.
While my life does revolve around that, I'm sure other people get enough of that in their own lives and probably don't want to read more about it?
So, I think I should say a little bit more about my life, that isn't completely focused on scales on calories.
Okay, so, there's actually something sort of weird happening concerning my friends right now...
Well, it's not really weird, it's just that people have been telling me that this one boy likes me.
Yeah, pretty impossible sound right?
But, I don't date, and I'm not interested in love or anything like that.
Lol. I'm a fail excuse for a girl.
All my friends that are girls are so obsessed with love and falling in it and having boys and never being single...
Me? I had been single for almost three years until I went out with this guy in the beginning of October... and dumped him a week later. Then he dated this girl that I really hate, but ah well...
Anyways, I don't really know why I brought this up...
Maybe because somehow I sort of want to be in a relationship, but at the same time... it's just too much.
I'm the kind of person that needs space, and sometimes I need a lot, and that's just not how relationships work.
Or at least, it's not how any relationships in my school works.
Like, my two friends -these two should probably have names, since they'll probably come up a lot... Hm, I'll do Dan and Deli... It's a girl and a boy, just saying. If you knew the real names, you'd get the nicknames. xD- Yeah, Dan and Deli are always together, it's suffocating just to watch. But they love it?
I just have a feeling, no matter how much I liked somebody, I could never do that.
People are annoying. xD
And even if I liked him and actually wanted to go out with him, I wouldn't ever feel comfortable.
He dates skinny girls, that's not me; he'd realize his mistake quickly and dump me.
Jeez, I'm all over the place with thoughts on this...
Meh, I should just stop worrying about it until I'm thin...
Everything will hopefully fall into place then, and I'll be comfortable with dating.

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I hate the weekend.

Only thing weekends are good for is sleeping...
I eat too much on weekends, and it sucks.
Somehow, I managed not to gain anything after yesterday;
I actually lost one pound?
Whatever, I'm still pissed at myself for breaking down so easily, and thinking that wallowing in my own self-hatred gave me a right to eat whatever the fuck I felt like.

Oh, apologies to anyone that actually reads this, and the seven people that have this show up on their dashboard/home thing.
My blogs suck, my life's a mess.

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Friday, December 3, 2010

Who I am hates who I've been.

Ha. More like who I was hates who I am.
Hell, who I am hates who I am.
Does that make sense?
I need help.
But I don't want it.
I'm a lost cause.
Fuck friends, fuck love, fuck life; I don't deserve this.
Why did I have to ruin my own life? Why do I do this to myself?

I don't want another fat, pink line on my fat, ugly wrist, but I need it.
Everything's set up, no one would ever know, no one would care.

God, I whine about everything.
Y'know what? Nevermind.
I'm cool, I'm all right.

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Baby, are you down,

Down, down, down, down?
Hah. n.n
Down cover by Breathe Carolina. :D
Anyone else like he Punk Goes Pop CDs? #3 is preeettyyy goood.
I'm feelin', like, happy right now?
It's stupid 'cause I actually ate today.
Like, bleh! Some candycane (~60), two pieces of gum (~10), few cheesepuffs (~IDK, but not a lot), Chex Mix (~IDK), brownie thing (~Dunno, a lot...), taco -first taco I've been able to have since I became a vegetarian!- (~Dunno, again..).
Should I over-exaggerate around 700? Or does that still sound like way too little?
Maybe I'll just go with 1,000? Ugh, wish I would've kept my counting going! :/
Definitely done eating for today. Lol.
Ooh, The Grinch Stole Christmas or whatever it's called is on TV!
The people one, not cartoon... I like this one. :D
Hoping for not too much of a gain.
And Dear Becca, that comment you left on my last post just made me smile for some reason? Oh, and I found that I didn't even gain, my clothes just apparently add like two pounds? Ahaha.
Now I'm just praying for minimal or maybe no gain, since I doubt I've still lost.
Disliking being stuck at 157-159!
Ah, I've got nothing left to say.
Well, I've got loads to say, but they could all be stories for a different day.
Somebody remind me to tell about the pineapples sometime, aye? :3

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Note To You.

I'm listening to that song right now, it's by DotDotCurve. n.n
Lurrveeee itttt. :D
I'm a bit, well, pissed.
Today I fucked up, I'm trying to over-estimate how many calories...
Hm, I'll just go around 125-150.
I hadn't been trying to fast exactly, just sort of restricting.
And it wasn't even on purpose! I actually wanted to eat today, but there so many calories in everything.
Or maybe it's that my house is stocked up to feed fat people, like me.
But yeah, what really pissed me off was that I went up 2lbs today! Like, seriously?
I mean, I had all my clothes on when I weighed around an hour or so ago, but this morning I was 157.5!
My hands were shaking and I felt weak, but I was so proud.
Thought I'd proved to myself that I don't totally fail, but of course... I failed at that too.
Yeah, but I've gotten two more followers now?
And gracias Becca (gotta check to see if that was her name, apologies if I'm wrong! D: ) for the comment. n.n
Hope everything's going much better with everyone else.

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Guess what?

...Are you guessing?
...Well, then, I guess I'll just tell you anyways!
I've gotten to 159 today! :D
I hope that it's actually a bit lower, because I've been downing loads of water, but I won't find out until morning... :/
I'm dead-set on not eating much until I get down to around 157...
And I plan on having some sort of treat -hopefully it WON'T turn into a binge...- once I get down to around 153.
Can't believe I'm close to the first goal I've set -155. I can't remember ever being down there...
Ha, that's pretty lame. But at least I've finally got a post that's not completely, like... depressed/pissed sounding?
OH, and I think I've got five followers now?
...Oh, wait, thats German, right? I'm not taking German... Once more, then..?
Ha. Hope everything's going well with everyone, and if there's anybody that's following me that I'm not following, leave a comment and I'll definitely fix that. n.n
And lastly, thanks Kay for the comment. :] Hope you're doing good, too.
Well, I think I'm going to lay down and watch more King of the Hill and/or Family Guy, or maybe I'll sleep...

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Sunday, November 28, 2010


I'm freaking out right now.
I want something to eat, so badly, but I'm supposed to be fasting.
I just want something, anything. :/
I shouldn't be like this right now, I wish I could just go get something...
But I don't want to feel guilty later.
...I hate that feeling after, it's painful.
I think I'm going to get something...

All right, I feel loads better now.
I had an apple, that's all. I still broke my starting-over-fast fourteen hours in, but it was only an apple... and I walked around the island in our kitchen while I ate it.
Now I'm just going to drink water and maybe work on homework... or do a bit of writing.
Whichever comes first.

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BTW: I want a new name for this, because what I picked when I first got it sounds... stupid?
Doubt anyone actually will but, comment with ideas or anything? Thanks.. :)

Faiilll. [x2]

All I ever write about on here is how much I fail at life.
I fail at everything, including this.
Broke a fast not even 36 hours in, kept eating aaalll day.
Estimated calories about 1,783... Jeez, that's precise.
But then I went to a friend's, so better just make that an even 2,000.
Ew. I'm fat.
But is it weird that all day I felt, like.... normal-ish? I mean, like, I definitely hinged or whatever, but I was sort of okay with that? Sort of like... like I wasn't constantly worried about my weight or how fat I was getting from eating.
Ugh, well maybe I sort of did obsess over that, I mean I dont usually keep a close tab on my cals throughout the day...
But, umm, like... UGH. Dont know how to describe it...
Or maybe I only felt all right 'cause I thought I was burning some of it off, I was standing around/walking practically all day.
Yup, I was wrong.
I've gained 2 pounds since this morning.
Don't know if that's completely accurate 'cause i've got my monthly, but idc.
All-in-all, just another normal, fail day in the life of me -a teenage girl with entirely too many flaws and too many secrets.

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Fuck this.

Yesterday sucked
Yup, I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving anymore.  It's, like, UGH.
Gained I think... four pounds yesterday? Yeh, somethin' like that...
And my monthly present came, so I'm in a FUCK-IT-ALL mood...
But I won't go eat, nope I won't.  I won't eat for as long as I can.
...I've just got to keep rationalizing that the reason I get put in these shitty moods is my weight and the absolute awful size I am, so eating wouldn't help me one bit.
Blahblahblah, besides food, yesterday was all right.
Didn't go shopping today, which is sort of stupid, and my dad wasn't able to get me a laptop since he got up too late and so they were sold-out when he got to WalMart. :\
I can't think of a bright side.

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Thursday, November 25, 2010


Huh, surprisingly I don't know what to say today...
Today pretty much sucked, in terms of food and stuff like that.
I didn't even weigh myself this morning, like I do every morning, and I'm scared of what I'll see when I get on the scale before I sleep...
I didn't really, like, binge much... I sort of did early in the morning, but the rest of the day was sort of okay.
I'm mostly trying not to psyche myself out, mostly because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I want to be able to act semi-sane for that. Ha. n.n
And then after that I'm going to try an After-Thanksgiving Water Fast with some girls on PT. :D
It's supposed to be ten days, but the most I've ever done is two... So I'm just going to try and go with it, and hopefully loose.
I want to be slimmer for Christmas, just reaching my first goal of 155 would be good. < 345
Ew, that number sounds so huge, but it's so hard to get there. I've been fighting to get out of the 160's for such a long time. :'(
I'm fat... and a fucking failure.
Blahblahblah, same old sob story as always. Really, if I want to be thin then I've got to do something.
I will do something, because I want this. I've never been skinny before, I was an overweight child as well, and I want to see what it's like.. even if I already know it's got to be amazing.
Hmhmhm, speaking of Thanksgiving... or bringing it up again. :x
People are coming to my house, and there's one person -mostly- that I want to just stay away.
I really don't like her. u.u
...It's weird to be admitting all of this, even on the Internet. :/

....Dun dun dun. It's the moment of truth...? xD
I'm going downstairs -UH, IT'S COLD DOWN THERE D;- to weigh myself...
-Sigh- ....................................................................................................................................................
162.5 Definitely not what I was expecting, I've lost 1 pound since yesterday? Huh, don't understand how that works, but oh well. I'm psyched my eating didn't totally fuck me over. :D
I'm still a fail, but I'll make it over this 160lb-bump after tomorrow. n.n
Well, good luck to anyone who happens to see this and is going to battle with Thanksgiving tomorrow; don't get yourselves down too badly on a holiday! :)

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I feel like such a failure right now, it's unbearable.
I had been doing so fine with not eating, I didn't even feel that hungry... :/
Then I left my room and just caved.
God, it was all junk food, too.
This sucks.
I don't even want to go look at the calories on the packages, I'm just going to go the easy way and say it was maybe 1,000.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. :(
I've never wanted to throw up before, but now I really want to... I won't do it, though.
I'll just stay away from the bathroom, everything will be fine.
I'll just keep telling myself that;
Even if I feel like every single bit of food I've ate is already settling comfortably amongst the rest of the fat on my body... Uughhh.
Oh, well... Anyways;
Today went be very slowly.  I've got school off for Thanksgiving starting tomorrow. :p
Ick, I'm freezing. It's like I haven't been able to find any warmth in a week.
Meh, I'm going to go watch more Bruce Almighty and apparently I've got to drive my mom and our neighbor back over to our neighbors to get our turkey for Thanksgiving... Yuck.
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Monday, November 22, 2010

Concerts and fear.

All right, I'm typing on my phone and it SUCKS. D;
It's an iPhone so it's not completely horrible, but I'm still not very into it..
Maybe I should just go grab my laptop, but I really don't feel like it..
Mom's out there and I just know she'll ask what I'd like for dinner.
I want NOTHING. :/
I don't want to eat.
God, I'm pissed I've been put in this mood/mind again. Last week was soo normal-ish and now I feel like starving.. BLEH.
I'm not even sure what happened to kill my joy, I was just chillin' in my room last night, thinking and stuff, when I suddenly just felt terrified. :/
Adrenaline rushed through my arms -not kidding, WTF?- and I just felt horrible.
The horrible feeling stuck 'round for a while, and I ended up obsessively playing Solitaire for an hour or so... :p
Then I couldn't fall asleep, and I even got so wound up in myself that I seriously had a thought that it was too quiet.
I don't even mean my house, I meant my head. I've NEVER thought anything like that before... It was weird, and a but freaky... But I've laughed it off and junk now.

Anyways; the bad mood kept until morning, and I've still got it. I won't eat, and I know I'll have a HELL of a time falling asleep tonight... Eh.
But now I just need a plan on how to escape dinner, since my mom's more than likely going to try to shove food up my arse... Or down my throat? Haaa.
'Spose I'll just go and shower, I've got a band concert in an hour and a half. :p
Oh, yeah, I play the flute.. Have been since a bit into sixth grade, which makes this my fifth year. :o
I DON'T particularly want to go, I love playing and all... But the shirt I've gotta wear makes me look bigger than usually. :/

WHY IS THIS SO LONG? I mean, jeeeeeeze. Nobody's going to want to read this...
Well, I doubt anyone would want to read it if it was short, too. My life's boring and I've got too many opinions and too much to ramble on about...

OKAY, I'm done.

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Sunday, November 21, 2010


Jeez, two posts on my first day? I think I could really get into this blogging stuff. Ahaa.
But, yeah, I mostly just wanted to talk about something ironic -not sure if that's the right word for what happened, but I'm stickin' with it- that happened a little while ago..
It was around dinner time and I went out into the kitchen, not feeling exactly hungry because I've been eating all freaking day, and my mom was out there finishing things up and all that and I told her that I wasn't feeling really hungry.
It wasn't all that not normal for me, I rarely eat dinner -'specially since we have meat nearly every night and I'm trying to ease into the vegetarian lifestyle :p-, but my mom seemed concerned. I told her I'd been eating all day but I'm not sure she even believed me? She asked what I'd been eating and everything, and I told her just junk. (I'm trying not to get too down that I've eaten so much today... because I'm in a good mood and I want it to stay that way :D)
She kept sort of going on about it and I was just like woowww, seriously?
And finally she just said: "I don't want you to pull a -insert name of ex-best friend that had an ED here- on me. I think you might have an eating disorder..."
I was shocked, because I have been eating a lot lately, and wasn't sure what to say, so all I did was sort of laugh it off.
(Reason I think this is 'ironic' or whatever is I'd just wrote my first blog a bit before and I'd said that I know I haven't got an eating disorder...)

...Honestly though, now I'm a bit scared. I don't think I'll develop an ED now or anything really, but I've got conflicting emotions... Damn, this is hard to even explain.
Maybe I'll just sort all this out tomorrow, when I'm not so confused/freaked out myself.

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This is not a blog.

Okay, maybe it is...
And, it's my first.... and I'm at a loss of what to say.

Maybe we should get acquainted first, aye?
Firstly, my name is Jessie. Not a unique name, I know... I hate it, but whatever.
I live in the U.S, in one of the states that actually has all four seasons... haha.
It's barely winter now -I think, if it is even winter yet?- and there's already fucking SNOW.
I LOVE SNOW, but not in November. -..- This is supposed to be my favorite jeans/sweatshirt weather, not shivering in my hoodies and seperating myself from the outdoors. UGH.
..And snow makes me think of Christmas, which is still far off. Thanksgiving is first... :/
Anyways; I'm fifteen, the stupid age of nothing.  Sure, I got my permit, but who really gives? I want to be either older or younger, not stuck in the damn middle.
I live with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my dog and cat.
Music is a big part of my life, it's like an addiction.  It's always there for me, when nobody else is.
And now I suppose I should confess a few things, hm? The things that I wouldn't dare talk about with anybody else, and are sort of the reasons I wanted to make this blog thing?
...It's sort of hard to type it, because I'm not sure how to say it...
But, oh well, here goes;
I do not have an eating disorder -as far as I'm concerned anyways.. :p- but sometimes I can be... obsessed with my weight.
SINCE IT'S TOO MUCH. God, hideous fat... I hate it so much...
I try really hard not to fall into the trap that I know are eating disorders, but it's hard when I'm just so interested in them.
I know they make life Hell, I know they ruin everything... but I can't help it.
Also, I'm not depressed -once again, I don't think I am anyways-, but I've got a few... unhealthy tendencies and a real weird habit of seriously hating myself... If that makes sense?
This is the real hard part to come clean about, because I feel like such a hypocrite, but well... I cut.
Or, I have cut. It's another thing I'm trying to stay away from, but it's hard... It's, well, ADDICTING.
But the only place I want to do it is an obvious place, and my wristband will only cover them up for so long... I'll run out of room eventually, so I really should just stop.

Yeah, well.. I'm not sure what else to write. I'm sort of in a 'blah/okay' mood today, since it's Sunday so I've really got nothing to do... besides homework, which I probably won't do anyways...
'Spose I'll just go surf around on PrettyThin or get on MyYearBook or somethin'...

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