(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kitties and baths [and Day Thirty-Four].

I really have to pee right now but am determined to do this first, so short and sweet unless I get rambly!
My kitty is sleeping next to me right now. He's so cute. < 3

I totally forgot to mention but my blog is officially a year old!
Older than that really, but only a few days or ten or something... I'm not entirely sure.
Just wanted to mention that though.

I'm cold. I've been cold since I got in my car and came home two hours ago.
I want to take a bath but I have to leave in about fifteen minutes to take my brother to meet my dad so he can get some new boots for winter.
(I couldn't take it anymore and went and pissed. Just thought I'd let you know.)
I just crave very warm water and being very warm and relaxing by myself and trying not to think so much.

I'm having a week where I feel like I don't matter. I'm staying relatively cheerful and happy and energetic -can't you see it in this post? ;P- but I feel like everybody is just using me and doesn't really care.
Lol. I know that I don't really have anyone that actually genuinely cares, but I don't feel like anyone cares at all.
I think everybody else is having a kind of moody week too, though. So it really isn't a huge deal I guess.

I'm rambling.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your UGW?
If I had one, I'd feel the same way about it as I feel about counting calories; if I give it all up once I am magically at my UGW, then I'll gain everything back and all my effort will be for naught.

Going to get ready to leave.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Crying and dying [and Day Thirty-Three].

I'm horrible at voicing my emotions.
Like, I can be pissed, but I'm never really horribly mad.
I can be bothered, but I'm NEVER sad around ANYONE.
Even my own family isn't allowed to see me cry.
But I'm this horribly emotional person, ever since I was little I've cried easily. Pain, words, loud voices, the thought that I've upset someone that I really love accidentally -anything can make me tear up.
I need to not have these emotions, I need to be as emotionless as I pretend.
I wish it was that easy. I really do.

I might miss school on Friday, for a funeral. Ann's grandma died last night. I saw her more than my own grandparents, especially when I was younger.
Ann said it, she was how I found out. She wasn't in first hour this morning and I have her first hour teacher third hour -when she has an open hour- so she came down to see what she missed.
She told our teacher, and she almost started crying.
I should've hugged her or at least talked to her... but I didn't because I'm a horrible person.
I feel so bad, but I didn't want to start crying too. I hate comforting people. I'm so selfish.

I'm calming down I think. I wasn't really hysteric or anything, but I cried while driving home a little bit ago.
I'm feeling a little okay, better atleast.

DAY THIRTY-THREE: Will you continue counting calories when you reach your UGW?
If I ever get there, I think I'll have to, otherwise I'll gain everything back.

Thanks for the comments guys. Dunno if I'll be reciprocating tonight, but maybe...
Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Fucking up and water [and Days Thirty, Thirty-One, and Thirty-Two].

Thanksgiving has fucked me up more than I thought, I think...
Will power is gone, motivation is nonexistant.
I have to pee... again. God, fuck thiissss.
So much water I've drank... If it helps, then that's awesome. If not, this is so stupid...
Um, I went back to school today. I also am officially signed up to help with the winter play.
Whoa, I'm actually participating in something. Shoockkkkeerrrr.

DAY THIRTY: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
No, reaching the goal should be enough of a reward for me. Well, sometimes I'll tell myself I can't go shopping unless I'm xxxlbs or something, but I think of that more as a "punishment" for being such a lousy fuck.

DAY THIRTY-ONE: What are your favorite healthy snacks? 
Well, I'm more of a junk food person, but I like pretty much all fruits and vegetables... Strawberries might be my favorite though, I guess..?

DAY THIRTY-TWO: What is your weakness/one food you can't say no to?
Uh... I can't really think of anything? Because I know I CAN say no to anything and everything, it's all just a matter of how much will power I have that day. I'm failing at saying no to S'mores Poptarts at school lately though.

I'm going to watch a new movie on YouTube I heard about.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Halfway points and being proud [and Days Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine].

Yesterday, as I'm sure basically everybody knows already, was Thanksgiving.
I don't think I did too bad. Like, I snacked a bunch mostly, but I think I only gained ~1 or 1.5 pounds.
I was expecting 2+, so that's not bad, but I had gained the day before too, so it's like REALLY.
I'd been at something like a four-day plateau type thing and wasn't losing or gaining anyways, so maybe this can give me a jump start or something, but it's still kind of annoying to have to keep re-starting right when I think I'm doing alright.
I don't feel like I'm making sense...
Aw well, I'm annoyed and disappointed because it's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home.
I've really started to hate just sitting at home, especially at nights and multiple days/nights in a row.
Everyone's gone somewhere or other for the holiday or can't leave and I can't hang out with Axel because he's got a new, thirteen year old girlfriend and he's pissing me off.
He asked me for a ride to my band concert on Monday, after saying the only reason he was going was to see her.
People mooch off me, I hate it but I let them do it.
Anyways... I don't know where I was going with all this...

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
Um, depending on how I'm doing at the time, anything that has too many calories is off limits, otherwise I'm having what I want when I want and it's a total free-for-all. I don't have a list of foods I can't have or I'm scared to have...

Not where I should be at the half-point, but I would've been without Thanksgiving I think... Plus, I don't have much I want to lose in this anyways; it was mostly something to get me back on track, and I think it's working.

WEEK FIVE - Challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit in it!
I already have a pair of jeans that are way too tight to be comfortable that I want to be loose-fitting, so there; challenge fulfilled without paying money. :3

DAY TWENTY-NINE:  What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?
I'll actually go check that right now I guess, since I weighed myself pretty late on day one anyways.... And that was about 161, so I guess -2 from day one? How pathetic, but now I have to piss so maybe more like 160.5... Nasty regardless.

Laterz, loveliez. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving and gaining [and Days Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, and Twenty-Seven].

I'm doing bad at blogging daily again.
Life and school and friends and sleep... Blogging daily has trouble finding space in my 'hectic' life.
Anyways, I might be joining my school's Speech Team.. But I'm caught between psyching myself out and being way too nervous/scared to do it and just growing a pair and joining.
I don't know what category I'd do though... Jean, who joined last year, says I'd be good at Prose or Humorous or even Story-Telling, and Christine said I should do Creative like she does -which she's never been awarded for in three years...
I want to do Duo though, atleast to test drive my first year. I'd do it with Bryce hopefully, he was trying to get me to do it with him on Monday... but I don't know if he's changed his mind and wants to ride solo now...

DAY TWENTY-FOUR: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Being only a junior in high school that participates in zero after school activities and usually has barely any very close friends, I don't know if I even have many priorities. Losing usually is on top though I guess...

DAY TWENTY-FIVE: Do you ever eat fast food?
Usually, no. Lately, a little. Only fries or yogurt from the McDs in Walmart, along with pop... Hanging out with guys that actually eat sucks.

DAY TWENTY-SIX: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Uh... is shark week an awkward and fancy new code for period? Um, if so, it doesn't really affect me a lot, so whether or not I eat more that week than any other week is just dependent on my will power and self-control that week.

Laterz, loveliez.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Being lazy and baking [and Days Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, and Twenty-Three].

I'm not doing anything today, I think.
It feels kind of nice.  I was actually able to sleep in this morning and I'm not tired and I'm just chillin'. :)
Ignoring the stress and all that.
I went and saw my high school's play last night with Jean, and it was amazing.
They did Annie and I've only watched the movie once -earlier this week- and was bored out of my mind and couldn't finish it... But they did really good, it was super funny. xD
And I may or may not have yelled "AWYEAH *name of director who is also my Spanish teacher*" when he came on stage at the end to bow... x3
I'm feeling better right now, guys. I don't know why. I'm glad, even though it doesn't feel like it's going to last. It's nice.

DAY TWENTY: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Um, the obvious answer is yes, but I don't have binges like eating a bunch in a short amount of time -I usually have ones that are spread out throughout the entire day-, and my binges are babies compared to others, but to me they're binges all the same. 

DAY TWENTY-ONE: Do you listen to music when you work out?
I don't really work out. xD And if I do, I do something on the Wii, which might be Just Dance 2 which would be yes or it might be Biggest Loser or WiiFit or something which would be no. If I'm just fucking around doing random shit in my room, then usually I do.

WEEK FOUR: Challenge - Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one new vegetable that you've never tried before, and learn how to cook one new healthy meal.
I actually might be able to do this one, because Thanksgiving is on Thursday so maybe there will be something new, and we're doing some potluck type thing in my English class on Tuesday that's supposed to be 'healthy food' so that might help too... Cooking will be hard though, since I don't cook anything for myself. I made chocolate chip banana bread for the first time today... Does that count? xD

DAY TWENTY-TWO: Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?
Depends, is this for girl and boy friends? Boys, I'm pretty much bigger than all of them. *LeSigh. But I don't really compare myself to them, since they're guys and they have muscles and rockin' metabolisms and we have a joke that they're all going to get very fat when they're old. >;3 Girls, I'm kind of... in the middle? Smaller than Jean, larger than Christine, maybe the same or slightly smaller -but they have tits and I don't so it's hard to tell...- than Mickey and Beth... Beth and I actually weighed ourselves in my basement when she slept over last weekend and I was less than her and I'm ~3 inches taller so that was kind of a self-esteem booster for a bit, but not really. Then I introduced her to drinking water EVERY DAY instead of pop and now she might drop, who knows.

DAY TWENTY-THREE: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
....The only easy answer is yes, but it can be no too. It depends on the situation and blahblahblah, but I guess it would be a yes. I won't usually not go somewhere or not do something because I think I'm fat -usually, not always, I have dropped out of plans on days where I feel too fat or want to avoid food- but it holds me back I think with other things, but that's all self-esteem/anxiety stuff pretty much. So I guess I'll just have to see if anything changes when I lose more.

Procrastination leads to large posts. Sorry.
Going to continue my day of rest and rocking the fuck out of doing nothing.
Laterz, loveliez.

**Quick thanks to heiscertainlyworthit and Samzi for the comments. I think I did good on my test actually. :D Hope you both are feeling good today. < 3
And Lloyd, the relationship I have with a-'God'-I-don't-believe-is-there is nonexistent. Thanks for following though.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Water and chips [and Day Nineteen].

I made it two weeks without chips, but I've been eating them this week.

I go through... "phases" of being sad/mad/happy. Sometimes it's a mix of the three.
Right now I feel kind of sad, kind of nothing... Mostly tired. Really tired.
Destroyed three fucking math assignments today, though. Only two more to do for Thursday, and then two review packets for Friday + a test.
I always do the homework, Jean does the packets and makes a study/cheat card for the test.
It's kind of a sucky deal for me, but I feel like I have to do stuff to keep my friends sometimes...

DAY NINETEEN: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
All the time. Well, not as often anymore, but there was a short amount of time where I got pretty fucking crafty with food and not eating. I miss those days.

Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Phoenix and cheese [and Days Sixteen, Seventeen, and Eighteen].

Watching HP: OOTP.
In a bad mood.
The sad kind of bad.

DAY SIXTEEN: Have you ever missed a workout just because you couldn't be bothered?
Yeah. Pretty much every day of my life.

DAY SEVENTEEN: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Both, yes, but neither very often.

DAY EIGHTEEN: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Sometimes, not often though. I've usually got a choice. And I wouldn't know, since they don't know as far as I know.

Laterz, loveliez.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Boredom and laziness [and Days Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, and Fifteen..]

I've gotten lazy about updating again.
I'm tired right now. Last night I was out until ~12:15am and Beth slept over and I have a hard time sleeping when I'm sharing a bed...
I don't know why. Even when it's my bed, I feel kind of awkward?
It can get a little fucking ridiculous.
Anyways... I have a bit of catching up to do with the Challenge, so I'm going to start that so this isn't fricking long as fuck.
(Yes, I used fricking and fuck in the same sentence... Don't question it; let it happen.)

DAY TWELVE: What are your friends eating habits like?
Oh God, how do I even start... Sometimes, it's like a contest of "Who eats the least" and "Who is the smallest". Yeah, even with some of my guy friends. It can be a little fucked up. In the end, I think it just makes people feel shitty. Or maybe it's just me. I approach and understand social situations a little different than everybody else...

DAY THIRTEEN: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
LOL. DUH. I'm fucking sixteen, sometimes what I'm living/breathing/FUNCTIONING on is pure junk. Like, mostly energy drinks and stuff like that, but sometimes all I'm eating is S'mores PopTarts or Zebra Cakes, because that's what I get at lunch in the vending machines -which is influenced by my friends usually. xD I totally got off track with this question... But the answer is definitely YES.

DAY FOURTEEN: Do you ever allow yourself a "rest day" from exercise or a "cheat day" from your diet?
If I exercised regularly, then I would, but I try not to give myself cheat days. When they happen, they just happen. I rarely plan them out, unless I know a few days beforehand that I'm going out or something like that, then I guess kind of...

Challenge - Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren't going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
It's like the exclamation point is supposed to make that exciting... I'm already failing at this for one day, because it's 10:00 and I'm fucking dead to the world already. I'm not going to "exercise". If I exercise at all this week, even with this challenge, I will be shockedasfuck

DAY FIFTEEN: What is your favorite kind of exercise?
The kind that I don't really think about, that just sort of happens. Like, running around with my friends and junk like that... If that doesn't count, then I like the Wii stuff, mostly just Just Dance 2... I really want the 3rd one.

Okay, got that all done with...
Also, I'm charging my camera right now, so maybe there will be some pictures up this weekend? If anything, they'll go up tomorrow; incentive to post and not get behind again and I'm -like I've said multiples times in this post I think- TIRED.

Oh, but before I go, I would like to say that I really want to hurt D and Christine. It's almost fucking painful. :)
And I really want to comment on stuff, but my laptop is dying, and I have to use Firefox to comment on stuff because Internet Explorer 9 -is it 9 now? or 8?- doesn't let me comment but Firefox won't connect.
UGH. :(
I'll get to it though. :)

Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 7, 2011

More cookies and writing [and Day Eleven].

These cookies will be the death of me.
HatehatehatehatehatehateHATE it.
Ugh. Probably ruined my whole day again... Fuck.

DAY ELEVEN: What are your family's eating habits like?
Hm, that's kind of hard to say actually. It's kind of bad, lots of junk. We don't normally sit down and eat together, me and my brother eat wherever the Hell we want. There's a lot of horrible habits... And I occasionally suspect my mom has an eating disorder, and she used to -maybe still does, I don't know- think the same of me. So I guess it's just not good for the most part.

Scarlett: Thanks. < 3 The only reason I'm always thinking life could be worse, is because I've seen the worse; I've come on here and read horrible things, and I know that there's so much more that isn't even being documented. That's why it totally gets to me when people expect me to give them sympathy for stupid things, especially when they never stop talking about it. I do understand that people like to vent though. Lol. Just, it can be a lot sometimes, and I tweak easy. :)

Sam Lupin: Jeez, write a novel much?! Lol. These cookies should get thrown in the trash... 
A bad experience with mashed potatoes and corn? Uh, okay? xD 
HA. I was on my period... but I'm pretty sure it's over, so I'm feeling a little more secure about giving blood on Wednesday. :P I know having my period wouldn't really affect anything much, but it still made me nervous.. xD
I love ice cream normally, but I'm ignoring it now. Just pretending it doesn't exist. xD I wish I didn't like some of this junk stuff, but it's like AGH. Lol. I like strawberry ice cream... sometimes.
AH. WHY CAN'T I BE YOU AND/OR HAVE YOUR BRAIN AND WRITING SKILL? I wish I could've friggin' used that. D: For six minutes, that was pretty amazing.
Ha, I have a love-hate relationship with the days my house is empty of food, which isn't that often. Four people, one being a boy about to hit his pre-pre-teen growth spurt, in one house means lots of food for the most part...
Lololol. Ex's can suck it.
Oh... I don't know if I like olive oil... I don't really know if I know what the taste of olive oil is? xD But now it's one of my life goals to try one of those things...
You haven't slipped up too much, you can never slip up too much! As long as you never give up, you're doing amazing. :D

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Naps and cookies [and Day Ten].

I got home from Christine's around noon.  Her house is the only one I will leave rather "early" in the morning. I get so bored there.
We almost got in a fight -as much as a fight as we can get in anyways... it's hard to explain- last night.
She never stops talking about how "sucky" her family is, and I'm always just like "Oh yeah, it sucks, blahblahblah" even though I really don't care.
Unless they're just amazing at putting on some sort of show, I think her family seems pretty sweet.
She just has this stupid as Hell hatred for her dad, because apparently he fucked up her childhood because he yelled at her and scared her.
Um, hello? I don't think I can think of one dad that didn't do that, at least out of people I know.
So last night I was trying to get her to see that HER LIFE KIND OF FUCKING ROCKS. She's so well off and she takes it for granted, and her dad is trying so damn hard to be with her, and all she says is how much she hates him.
It pissed me off, and it probably pissed her off yesterday but GOD DAMN, IF ALL YOUR GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN PREPARED FOR ME TO CALL YOU OUT.
Yeah, it's sad I guess that her parents are "separated" but she... I don't know. She whines. So much. And then she whines about other people whining.
I fucking whine, I know I do, but I don't whine about myself.
Last night I wanted to yell at her that I wish I could switch lives with her and be her -except I don't want her body/looks... that sounds bitchy, but she's skinny with rather huge tits for her size and never STFUs about it- and tell her that at least she doesn't have a god damn eating disorder, at least she can look at herself in the mirror without wishing she knew how to purge so she could get rid of everything, and at least she doesn't have to hide scars and throw razors away so she doesn't make more.
But I didn't because I don't think my life sucks... all the time.
Ugh. There's tons more I'd like to say, but I have to stop. I need Beth and Jean.

My mom and I kind of made cookies together when I got home. Chocolate with white chips.
She bought white chips because she knows I LOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE, and they were on sale.
I've eaten so many of them, it's gross. If I fucking gain from it, I'll be so fucking pissed... only at myself, of course, but y'know.
And I fell asleep sometime around whenever... Maybe like 4 or 3? And woke up at 5, then fell asleep and woke up again around 5:30, and my mom was asking if I wanted dinner and I couldn't have dinner because I'm a fat ass.
And I didn't want mashed potatoes and corn anyways.
I want food though. I want food because I'm sad, and I don't know why I'm sad. I feel like crying. I'm so frustrated, but I don't know WHY.
But if I gain from today, I know I'll drop back into the cycle I just recently "broke" and I'll never stop eating.

I'm giving blood on Wednesday. I'm scared.
Only you guys will understand why. Everybody else is just like "Oh Jessie, you won't FAINT. You'll be FINE." All I hear is that I'm too fat to be worried about, I'm too big to crash to the floor unconscious after losing a pint -is that how much they take?- of blood; I'm not worthy of your precious brain.
Now I'm so negative. Oh damn...
I have to lay down sometimes because I take too hot of a SHOWER. Maybe those are two totally different things -because I don't really get the overheated thing since it only just recently started happening and doesn't consistently happen every time I take a hot shower.

My brother just set out ice cream. I want ice cream.
I want to go in my room and cry too, but I fucking won't.
I have homework to do. Not much at all, but I'm supposed to write a short descriptive narrative about being outside in the woods or some shit.
I've lost all my like for my own writing. I know it sucks. I used to like it, but now I don't. I used to think it was good, but I know it's not.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. I'm already failing. There's nothing out there for me.
I'm having a horrible night.

I'm sorry.

DAY TEN: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Do I? Yes. Regularly? Not exactly. And there's no 'usually' for what I'll have. It varies every time I have something in the morning, which isn't often anyways I guess, especially since I have school.

Haley: I know right?! I wish I could, but I can't.

Sam Lupin: If I have cravings, I have to either ignore them or go full out on them. No way would I fit my cravings in 200 calories! I don't even crave things >200 calories... 3:
Well, I'm quite imperfect already, but in the wrong ways to be imperfectly perfect and pretty. xD But I agree with what you're saying. Watching Resident Evil 3 last night and got freaked out when one of the girls' faces looked much too damn perfect, and it made her look not so pretty. >.< But I didn't think she was pretty before, her hair was bothering me too much. D:
I don't mean baby-face as in too round. o: I mean... it's hard to explain! I love people with baby-faces, they be cute. :3 Just my face is... awkward. Take my word for it, and I did nawt insult you. x]
Diet Pepsi ONLY. Because my dad is addicted so I've been occasionally sipping on it since I was young. o:
HAAAA. I'm always single. ;D < 333

I have to write this stupid thing now.
Laterz, loveliez.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Sleep overs and ice scrapers [and Day Nine].

It's 5:20 pm and I'm posting?!

Only 'cause I'm going to Christine's and staying the night there, and I'm leaving in about an hour.
And I was on the laptop reading and all that so I thought I might as well get this done now.

I have something I've been obsessively thinking about for the past... day.
I'm scared, I can't tell anybody, because nobody would understand.
I could only tell you guys, but I'm even nervous about that.
Not nervous in the same way as I would be if I thought about telling RL people, but nervous about saying it at all...

Anyways, let's talk about that later, or never, or something.
This 2nd week challenge thing hasn't really been happening. xD I am a failure at planning things ahead of time, because my goal every single day is to eat nothing, but obviously that isn't realistic. I hate planning it because I don't crave that need to know exactly what's going to happen and what is or isn't going in my mouth at every second of the day.  I'm more of the type of person that "wings it", and goes with what I'm feeling at that specific moment in time.
I have been planning a few hours before, though. Like, comparing which I could/should have and deciding on lowest calorie/healthiest. So I've definitely been eating less. :)
I know it's only the second -or is it third?- day of this second week, but I just wanted to say... xD

DAY NINE: What is your favorite food, healthy or unhealthy?
Seriously? How do I choose? Um, I love cheese. Macaroni&Cheese, grilled cheese, quesadillas con queso... etc. And I love pastries and all things junk. I don't think I could ever pick one food that I love more than any other... At the moment, I'm obsessed with yogurt, Oatmeal Creme Pies, and S'mores PopTarts -that I only will eat at school, out of the vending machines.
That doesn't really answer that question, I guess, but I really don't know. There's too much.

Now I must say THANKS to everybody that commented yesterday or any other day.
Responding to people from yesterday....

SAM LUPIN: xD There's nothing perfect about me or my body, because perfection is unattainable. ;3 But I'm working on getting "as close as possible". Lol. I have a "baby-face" with high cheekbones, it's a weird combination, perhaps not exactly considered lovely. :P 
 UGH. I hate Pepsi. D: Not just Pepsi actually, all dark pops... except Dr. Pepper. Coke and Pepsi... just no. :\ Red Bull is heaven compared to them. ;] 
Is it weird to say I have an Internet crush on you even though I don't really know you? Yeah? Okay. I was kidding. x3 

HEISCERTAINLYWORTHIT: I'm actually not feeling down on myself, I was just honestly stating the body parts that I could say I like about myself. Thanks though. < 3

SKINNYNINNY: Lol. I like your name. :3 Just like I said right there ^, I wasn't trying to! I was just being honest. ;] And I used to tell people that whined about themselves all the time, if you don't like it - change it! Which is what I'm trying to do. :) Still, THANKS. < 3

RUN: Ha, my hair -even if it's medium-length, thin, and my bangs are allll wrrooonnnggg- is my best feature. ;)

Laterz, loveliez.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Red Bull and Walmart [and Day Eight].

Lol. I'm already having trouble remembering what day I'm on... :P

DAY EIGHT: Name 5 things you like about your body and the one body part you'd like to change the most.
...Eye color, collarbones (kinda), ankles (I guess?), skin (can stay relatively clear if I try hard enough), and hair (does that count?). So then I basically want to change everything else, but my stomach the most I think... I don't know. xD

Crashing after drinking 3 Red Bulls, even though they didn't get me hyper... I'm still crashing?
Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Tests and sleeping [and Day Seven].

All I've wanted to do this week is sleep.

DAY SEVEN: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
No. I am totally embarrassed about what I'm doing, not the "unhealthy way" that I'm doing it exactly -which would have to be a secret no matter what- but the fact that I have to lose weight at all. I'm always afraid that if I call myself fat or say I have to lose weight, everybody will only feel obligated to deny my own accusations, or else they won't deny it at all and it'll be one of those "That awkward moment when a fat girl calls herself fat" times.

Tomorrow is the start of the second week.
WEEK TWO: Weekly Challenge - Get organized! This week try to plan tomorrow's meals the night before.
Very difficult living with parents and rarely cooking my own dinners and stuff, but I'll try anyways.

Laterz, loveliez.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Water and reading [and Day Six].

I need to start drinking more water again.
I finally drank >8 cups today and I feel good. :D
And you know it's a good day when you go to bed the same weight or lower than when you woke up...

DAY SIX: Have you ever been underweight or overweight?
Underweight -no. Overweight -yes, for all of my life pretty much. As of lately I've been hovering around the weight that determines whether or not I'm overweight... and it's kind of annoying.

Tired. SRSLY.
Laterz, loveliez.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Catz and clownz [and Days Four and Five].

I was kind of a cat for Halloween yesterday.
I say kind of because all I had to make myself into a cat was a black sweatshirt and black makeup...
Failcat, but one little girl got really excited that I was "dressed up".
I was helping pass out candy at Beth's.
Axel and Scott were being douches for pretty much the whole time.
And today I gave Scott and Beth a ride to Scott's house and they found a Milky Way in my backseat -that either Scott or Axel left back there yesterday- and they took it when they got out and then Scott threw it at my windshield.
He's annoying and I want to punch him... in the face.

Anyways, I'm tired as fuck because I've woken up at 5:30 the past 3 days -INCLUDING FUCKING SUNDAY- and haven't been going to sleep since > 10:00.

DAY FOUR: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Um, no. I don't. Occasionally I'll "work out", but I don't daily or even weekly really... I'm lazy as fuck.

DAY FIVE: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Meh, yes and no. There's things I want to have lost some weight for, but there's nothing big coming up in my life right now I guess. Plus, I've never made a goal I set for myself, so I'm trying to just sort of 'wing it' now.

I haven't eaten chips in 5 days, so Week One is a success so far. It's especially nice because chips were my total binge food just last week...

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Standing and scanning [and Day Three].

Only I would be excited about burning off a shit ton of calories standing and working for ~7+ hours, only to get home and ruin everything with "Sunday Dinner".
Fuck my life.

Aniwayz, I'm so tired, so another short post.
Plus, I'm on my phone, and typing on this isn't the most fun thing I've ever done...
Like I've said multiple times before. xP
But not in a long time, since I haven't been posting like I used to...

God, I WISH I still counted calories. I've gotten so lazy and haven't in, like... ever. Maybe this would be a nice time to start back up. But yeah, my goal every day is 0, but since that is majorly impossible for me... On good days, it's 500 or less, on bad days it's 500-1000, and anything over that makes me sad/mad.

Oh, um, I think it was Haley..? If I spelled that wrong or totally failed at knowing who it was, my bad.
The 60 Day Challenge is just something Samzi -would link but on phone- has on her page. I've no idea if she made it or any of that, I just know she is doing it and once I saw it I thought I would give it a try as well.
Hopefully that link works...

Laterz, loveliez.

Markers and abs [and Day 2].

I don't really have time to elaborate on the title...
Is that how the word elaborate is supposed to be used. It sounds funny.
Anyways, I decided since it was late on Thursday and that's sort of an awkward day to start something... I "officially" started the 60 Day Challenge yesterday, on Friday.
And so if we just pretend that it still is technically Saturday -it's only 12:30am-, then I can do Day Two and not have a whole jumble of days on one post.
Yes, two can be considered "a whole jumble" apparently.
Oh, I had Chicken In A Biskit at Mickie's house after the football game, but I don't really count those as chips.. They're more like crackers?
Aniwayz; -on phone so unable to change font color :/ -

DAY TWO: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Um, to look better, and feel better, and be a better person? That's it, really. I don't know, looking better and being able to wear the clothes I want and not be self-conscious is basically it in a nutshell.

Anyways -Jesus, said that a lot in this post..- I have to wake up at 5:30 to go help my dad with inventory somewhere...
Makin' bank though -$23/hour, I think.
So yeah, time for sleep. :P

Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I think I'm going to start this challenge that Samzi has on her page...
60 Day Challenge. :)
I have no idea if I"m going to be able to do everything, since I live with my parents and I'm only sixteen and some of the things look like they'll be difficult for me to pull off and shtuff...
I can try though, and at least I'm giving effort by starting!
And you guys might remember the last challenge thing I tried to do... I did all the days, but I missed days and had to post multiple ones in one post... Yeah, that was fun. xD

Anyways, let's get this going.
Weekly Challenge - Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.
I am definitely doing chips. They will be the death of me.
How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the sixty days? (Be realistic)
And now I have to go weigh myself... I skipped it this morning. UGH.
So,  at  6:39pm after I've been drinking water and eating today and have all my regular clothes on (jeans, belt, t-shirt, tank top under), I am 163... That's embarassing.
Also, I am 5'7, and at the end of this, realistically I'd be happy at 149. That's s the number I've been aiming for for months, basically actually since I've started this, so that's nearly a year. I mean, I've hit other goal weights since starting this, but 149 is something I've never seen before. So yeah, maybe and hopefully this will help.

Yeah, so... I have homework I haven't done. English stuff, but maybe I'll just try doing that during Band or Math tomorrow... I don't know.
And I'm totally mortally embarrassed about my weight and actually putting it on here after not posting it for so long....

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Footballs and flutes.

Quick post, because I just want to!
I have to leave in... either 7 or 8 minutes, depending on what clock I look at...
6 when I look at my phone.
That's cool? WTF.
Anyways, I'm going to a football game.
I have to go, otherwise I definitely wouldn't... I could be sleeping or something, but it's getting me lettering points for band.
I've been waiting for my mom to get home from dropping off my brother at basketball for, like, a long time, because I want to ask her if she has a long-sleeve shirt I can borrow because I don't have any... and I need layers. :/
Also, I can't decide if I badly want our team to win or lose...
Like, I want them to win, 'cause it's totally shweet that they've gotten this far, but these games take up my frickin' time.
And make me have to suffer in the fricking RAINY COLD.
Know how hard it is to play a flute in MN weather?
If you don't, consider yourself lucky.
If you do, YOU KNOW MY PAIN.

Um, I'm doing really bad as usually with... everything, or whatever.
My last three attempts at fasting have been bad.
Lately I've just been going to bed hoping not to gain, which has a 50/50 chance most of the time.
Actually, I have plenty, I JUST NEED SOME FUCKING HELP.
Or some goddamn ductape.
Um, yeah.
Going to go shove some other layers on I guess.

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Belonging and fasting.

I'm such an idiot.
I am completely incapable of keeping track of when "mother nature" is supposed to come and terrorize me, and I seem to love attempting to not eat on those days.
Then showering pretty much kills me.
JK. But seriously.
Had to lie on the floor to make the blackness go away.

Ugh. Aniwayz;
I don't feel like I belong anymore.
Like, here, real life, anywhere.
My inability to stay and be active on any site or anything for more than an undetermined amount of time makes it hard to, like, actually feel relevant.
Lol. I don't make sense?

I feel like I have a lot to say.
Uhm, for those that have been following me or reading this long enough might remember the boy I was as-close-to-obsessed-with-as-I-can-be way back when.
He's kind of back in the picture, but I don't think I like him.
Okay, call me out on bullshit. I sort of do, but I think I just have this thing where I have to prove to myself that if I want it, I can have it.
I'm too fugly to have it, or anythingone, though.
Emphasis on the ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffugly.

Whatever. I've just been hanging out with him lately, nbd. I've also been hanging out with Mickey -girl, jsyk :P - and Christine much more than usually.
I'm at a loss for friends.
Lol. That made me sound like a bitch.
I fucking love those two, just sometimes Christine needs a punch in the face.
I guess e'rybody needs that sometimes though.
Lol. Gangster. ;)

Lalalalalalala. I'm talking to a ~ten year old on Facebook.
Winning? No? Okay...
It's my brother's friend and we're talking about her coming over to give him his late-birthday present, and she started the conversation, so it's not like my FB life is total fail.

I have to go tell my parents they might be over now. xD

Oh, found a good/bad thinspo type thing today.
Apparently Deli has lost thirty pounds.
Kill me now.

Kay? Yeah? RIGHT.

Laterz, loveliez.

P.S. Dyed my hair sort-of-black yesterday with purple... Pics maybe later? Like, tomorrow since I'm shit-skrubbin' hxc today.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Lost razors and papers.

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now.
It's supposed to be "informal", which sucks, because I'm ballz at writing "informally".
I'm supposed to have done quite a few things today, neither of which I have done.
I was supposed to not eat, and I was going to RP with people that I now rarely ever talk to.
I ate because... I don't really know why; because it was there?
I didn't RP because I can't keep focused on one thing for very long, and that just would've been Hell.

I'm trying not to cut right now. I've realized that I could do it on my hip/side and no one would ever notice.
That area is always covered up...
But I think I haven't cut in, like, a year? Maybe more? Less?
I don't think I have since I've had this blog... but I remember telling you guys about it once...
Should I count the small ones on my thigh? Do the deserve recognition? They're little, but they scarred.
Does that mean anything?

Anyways, I threw my razors away a few weeks ago before school started.
I had thought I'd thrown them away before, but then I found some more in a place where they had been hidden and I had conveniently forgotten I'd hidden them.
Just a few minutes ago I went through the trash thing in my room to see if they were still in there.
They weren't.
I found something in my drawer though.
Didn't think it was sharp, like, at all, so I ran it lightly across my side and it stung and kind of gave me a cut.
I got excited.
But I haven't done anything yet.
I don't want to, but I feel like there's something inside of me that needs to be let out.
This thing inside of me that so desperately craves the attention and want of others needs to be let out, bled out.
It's not at all possible, but there has to be some way to get these pressures out.
They need to go away.

On a different note, while I am in a horribly pessimistic mood, I decided yesterday that I want to be more chill and carefree about things.
This is just fucking high school after all. Nobody really cares. It's going to be over in ~2 years.
So, I'm no longer pissed off at Deli at all. If she even did have sex in my house, it's in the past. Whoop-dee-doo. She's not the only one that's had sex in this house.
The only others so far have been my parents as far as I know, but still.
And I feel sort of like a bitch for tweaking so hardcore for so long, especially when I don't know if she actually did it or not.
Like, come on, Coral could/would lie.
I don't fucking know WHY she would, but I know she could.

My dad and brother are going to come talk to me... WTF.
Brother needs to the laptop to print out his birthday party invitations.
His birthday is on Tuesday.
He's going to be 11.

So, I'll talk to you guys later hopefully... and hopefully I have no new scars to barehide.
Maybe there will be a picture post later, since I have accumulated quite a few from over the summer that I should put out and/or delete.
Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Parties and Lion King.

I can't come put with titles for posts lately.
Seriously, it's ruh-tarded.
I have to go tell my brother it's almost time for him to go to sleep... in a few minutes.
Ugh. :P

Anyways, tomorrow I think I'm going to a birthday party...
Yeah, not many seventeen year olds have parties anymore... plus, this girl isn't one of my closer friends, so it might be a little weird.
I didn't really want to go until I heard today that we're going to go see Lion King.
Been craving that movie.
Is that weird? To crave a movie? Pft, I do it all the time.
Okay, maybe not all the time... I'm really bad at watching movies lately; not even lately, longer than that.
I can't focus.
Muppet theme song? Okay then...

Anyways, still not for sure if I'm totally up for the party tomorrow, but I sort of have to go now.
I said I would, and I am excited, and I have fun with everybody that's there.
I'm just occasionally a bit louder and more inappropriate than all of them...
They're not my first choice, I guess.
Plus, they're still sort of... how do I say this.
Like, they're more mature than I am, but it's like they're less mature at the same time?
Yeah, hard to explain.

This is really long, sort of.
I had more to say, and I forgot.

Um, thanks anybody who comments for commenting, and I know I used to actually reply to those on here, but I don't know if I'm going to in the future...
If you guys want me to, I can, because comments seriously make my day, like, x100.

And now my train of thought is gone.
I'm tired.
I didn't do my homework.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Sick and tired.

Ughughugh, I'm sick.
Not cool.
Stuffy nose, congestion.
Is that the word. Gross.
My head feels clogged.
Lol. That sounds even nastier.
It made me a little tweak-y throughout the day.
In a good way.
First hour contained some of the least funny shit ever that had me laughing pretty much the whole time.

I have a lot of knots in my neck and back. Fuckinghurts, uncomfortable.

Today was also a very sugar-filled day.
I'm surprised I was able to nap and still be tired now.
Like, no joke. Cinnamon roll, Danish roll, Twizzlers, Sour Patch Kids... God, help me?

I can only breathe out of half my nose right now..

I really need to try harder. Anybody have any inspirational/motivational words they'd like to share.
Much appreciated...

Um, I never know how to end these now.
I think I'm getting a bit more normal here though.

I'm tired.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I got my period.
It makes me feel really gross.
It used to be "so awesome"; I never got cramps or headaches or felt sick, it was "just bleeding".
I don't feel good today, though. I can't take a shower or bath either -I don't think-, because last time my vision kept on fucking up and going all black and I really didn't like it...

It sort of makes me not want to eat, though. I mean, like, there's cravings, but food so far -which has all been shit anyways- has just made things worse afterwards.
Plus I'm tired, have homework, and am fat, so that deters me from eating too.
Jeez, MLIA.

Couldn't even think of a title for this. Fuck it.


Saturday, September 24, 2011

Homecoming and dances.

Homecoming 2011 is done.
I want to say 'finally' and turn back the clock to do it all over again at the same time.
The football team won, by one point; how magical. :P
Hung out with 'everybody', but not really, along with some other people.
One of my not-so-good 'acquantances' was high, it was funny but kind of stupid.
The dance was all right, but sort of only made the hole I've dug for myself this week deeper.

I feel like I don't have any friends; or like I do, but they're not the friends I need/want.
They're all terribly self-centered... or maybe it's all just me.
I'm selfish for thinking they're selfish.
I'm sort of a horrible person.

Anyways, don't think I'll be going to the next dance. The whole thing just reminds me that I'm fat and nobody really actually likes me.

Also, I've been having... scary dreams. They're not scary in an actual nightmarish way, but to me they're horrible. They're almost always about me 'falling in love' or 'finding The One'.
I hate it, so fucking much.  There's nothing I'm more scared of than neediness, mostly in myself; in others it's sort of just annoying.
Love is just something I hope for and want as of lately I suppose, but can't have.
It's kind of a lot to think about and deal with on top of all this Junior year bullshit.
I legit cried for the first time in a long time too.


Friday, September 16, 2011

Hope and gain.

I've lost all hope with myself.
Does that make sense? Hope with myself?
I don't know, I don't really think I can do this; I'm never going to stop with my pathetic attempt at trying, but God, I'm just at a really low point -and really high weight- right now.
How can I change this?  Why do I want to?
With school and stress and my hatred of a large majority of the people on this planet...

I just can't do anything right.

I'm so fat. Jesus, I really am. Huge.

I am a failure of the largest sorts and I'm balloon-ing into something other worldly. I am ugly. I am gross. I am fatfatfatfatfat.

Nobody likes me;
Everybody hates me;
Guess that makes me stuff my fat face and turns me into something worse than I was yesterday.

I think I want to disappear.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sex, bitches, and school.

Well, hey there.
I know I just made a post, like, a few days ago... but I think I might actually be back now.
Like, to posting daily or almost daily...
I keep on forgetting how good it feels to get all this shit out, even if I'm just throwing it out on the Internet.

Anyways, school started last Tuesday.
It's going... okay, I guess. My classes aren't horrible, nor are my teachers.
My friends, on the other hand, could use a good punch in the tit / kick in the balls.
Not all of them, but a lot of them... most days.
They've all got something to bitch about!
Christine's got some daddy issues; Juice has all around issues + a "concussion"; Jane apparently started smoking and doing drugs over the summer, because of "other people" and won't ever stop talking; Axel "has asthma"....
Need I go on?
And it's like they all called each other up the day before school and planned to pile all this on me.
Like, yeah, I like to help people... but if you're going to not take my advice or listen to me at all, then don't keep coming back to me with your ugly life stories!
We all have problems, I just don't advertise mine.

LOL. My cat was just trying to scratch his ear, and he fell over...
Socute. < 3

Anyways, I don't think I should be bashing my friends, since they're pretty much all I have.
One thing that major sucks is that the friends I've got this year aren't ones that I really click with...
Like, we clash more than we mesh.
Sort of isn't good.
I mean, I've still got Jean and Beth, but they're not always on the top of my 'BFF List'... sadly.

Anyways, I've got a legit question for you guys.
I mean, it will sort of only be legit and relevant for me, but if you guys were in my situation... would you have handled this the same way, or differently?
Okay, so, Coral was supposed to come back to school this year, but now she's doing OP somewhere.  Before she left she told me that last year while I was on 4th of July vacay in WI that Deli and Dan had sex in my house.
In my kitchen.
On my counter.
Like, right then I called up Deli and asked her if it was true. Her response was basically "....nooo...", which sounds like total bullshit and didn't help me believe her at all.
For the next two or so weeks, we don't talk at all. She doesn't even bother to say happy birthday to me.
Finally, the night before the first day of school, she texts me with this fucking ridiculous belated birthday wish, plus a claim that she hadn't told me earlier because she'd been doing stuff over the weekend with her parents and hadn't had service.
My birthday was on a Wednesday.
At first, I was chill, said thanks and blahblahblah. But when she asked me for a ride -which I was going to give her illegally, since I'm only supposed to have one person in the car and I was already giving Beth a ride-, I told her that I thought she was using me; she hadn't talked to me in weeks or very much at all over the summer and she hadn't even tried to convince me that Coral's allegations weren't true.
She minor-tweaked and still did absolutely nothing to make me believe her.
We've rarely spoken at school, besides two instances of 'small talk' when I needed to know something about some kids getting pulled over that she was involved in and giving her one of the slightly gross and caramel-tasting 'Candy Corn' Dots our Chemistry teacher gave us, and she purposely talks to some of my friends when I'm there -just to bug me, I think.
When Beth asked her if we were ever going to work shit out, she said there was nothing to work out; I just didn't believe her.
There's been more going on with her concerning other people this school year -which has only lasted about a week- that includes but is not limited to her life-long friend in the next town and Beth.
Beth says she's digging herself a grave-type hole.
I definitely agree, but mostly out of anger really.

Ugh. I'm cold.
I didn't have school today because the teachers had some seminar thing.
So I've been lying around, doing nothing.
Drinking water.
Kind of but not really eating....
Watching Jumper and stuff.
I'm bored.
Homecoming is next week and I want to work on shirts with Jean and Beth, but Jean has the shirts and both of them are supposedly busy today.
My friends suck dorks.
And dorks are whale penises, in case you didn't know.
Anyways, I'm hopefully going to be sticking around this time...
If you can't tell from the length of this post, I really need an outlet to vent that won't turn around and stab me in the back.
Also, I've been reading, and commenting some. My computer is still being a total bitch about commenting, but I try.
You guys need to keep your heads up and keep going.
You're all lovely.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ex-friends and sleepovers.

Going to Christine's at 5 and sleeping over there...

Deli and I are no longer friends.

I feel like I'm losing everybody; everybody's lying and hates me.

I got my license on the first.

I can sort of comment blogs now, but I have to leave in half an hour and I'm not even close to ready...


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Blogger can bite it.

I dunno where the phrase 'bite it' comes from.
It's not some American thing -for those not in the U.S-, or a Northern thing -for those in the South-, and it's not a Minnesota thing -for those in the North, but not exactly here.
Yeah, I've posted where I'm from before, but I always do just the.... letters. What's that called?
MN, WI.... IO?
Mhm. I'm Minnesotan.
Hick, red-neck, mud-duck, wangster...?
Yeahhuh, it's called POP. Not soda or coke...
Also, I don't sound Canadian. This is the twin cities, not Fargo.
LOLjk, I'm not in the twin cities...
Why the shit am I talking about this?
We were talking about it last night, and making people say words.
Like toast, about, boom, room, pillow, boat, tubing...
I don't have an accent. You do. ;)
Seriously though. I don't.

Anyways, I'm not not -double negative, yeahbuddy- commenting on blogs because I'm gone, being a bad blogger/follower/friend, or just because I've gone totally down the drain.
I seriously can't.
This other e-mail I have somehow got connected to my blog and whenever I try to comment on anybody's shit it says that that e-mail isn't allowed to.
I log in with the e-mail I always use but it just doesn't work.
So if you ever get a comment from an anonymous and it's signed --Jessie, then yeah; that's me.

Fucking cricket in my basement.

I'm also going to be doing some major tweaking this week, just so you guys know.
My week... Too much is going on. I have a love/hate relationship with having plans.
I love it because it makes me feel good and like I actually have a life, but I hate the anxiety that comes with all of it.
I'm a huge bundle of raw nerves when I'm alone. I'm good at masking it, but oh em jay.
Monday(tomorrow) - Behind the Wheel and "Back To School Shopping". Fuck off.
Tuesday - Open House at school... UGH. Excited but not.
Wednesday - 16th Birthday... Who gives a flying fuck...
Thursday - Road test. KILL ME NOW IF I FAIL. And first football game of the year... And only I don't have to be in band for. TOO FAT FOR PUBLIC.
Friday - Labor Day -not Memorial, right? I always get those confused...- Weekend over East, last weekend before school starts....
Saturday, Sunday, Monday - Over East, then coming home.
I don't want to start this over again. This seemingly never-ending cycyle of leaving and returning, learning and sitting, being quiet and trying, passing and failing...

On the plus side, Addicted is on right now. It's pretty entertaining.

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Periods and hunger.

I haven't had my period in more than two months.
Should I have put a TMI alert on that?
I'm only mildly freaked out; like, not enough to tell my mom, but enough to talk to Beth about it.
She said that it happened to her and one of her other friends, only they didn't have theirs for at least a month or two longer, and they went to doctors and apparently it's "normal".
So, I'm only paranoid that it's not just some normal fucked up cycle -since my cycle has always been super fucked up anyways-, because it's me.
I've looked it up -Google, FTW- and there's all this scary shit and tweaking, more than likely pregnant teenagers.
Causes I've noticed and could possibly link to myself are stress and rapid weight loss/gain.
I've been basically gaining and losing the same ~10lbs for a few months.
Uh, what's the appropriate amount of time to push off telling my mom? I don't want to tell her...
Say whatever that this isn't my fault, but that's still fucking embarassing.
I don't know how it is, it just is to me.

Agh, anyways...
I'm super fucking hungry right now.
Shitshitshitfuckfuckfuck... dick.
I messed something up while I was reading everybody's shtuff -yeah, caught up on, like, a week of posts...
So I couldn't comment.
I'm too much of a lazyfatbitchass to go back and all that.
I'm sorry.
Sososo sorry.

Thanks for some of the comments on my last posts, Don't_Judge_Me, Cinnamon Brown, and Annie...
I don't know if I feel better. I mean, it's night time, and it's hard to "look on the bright side" when the sun isn't even up to help me find a "bright side".

There's a show on right now about a girl who lives on Michigan Island or something by herself...
I could do that. I'd just have to get electricity and Internet.
Then I'd be set.

Um, so, yeah.
That's it.
Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Nerves and August.

I can't be not nervous (double negative, mhm).It's really bad lately.
Like, maybe it's only because it's August.
What is it about August?
Let's make this shweet, pro-looking, hm?
  • I have another Behind the Wheel on the 29th
  • My birthday is on the 31st
  • My road test is on the 1st of September
  • Open house is on the 2nd
  • The first football game is on the 2nd too, I think.
  • School starts the 6th
  • There's so much bullshit with my friends right now, but I absolutely CAN'T do fuck about it
All of these nerves can pretty much be connected to my so-called "eating disorder", or lack thereof.
Is thereof one word?
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to fucking CARE.
Why does it have to be me? Us? Why this group of people?
Okay, maybe I understand it for me, because I'm the shittiest kind of person, but really?
This. Is. Bullshit.

I hate ranting on here.

Know what? I have some small feeling that somebody might comment and want to say that I'm not a failure and all that, but I have proof to it.
On the other hand, I know nobody's going to try and make me feel better. NOBODY. GIVES. A. DAMN.
There's so much fucking hatred in these words.

People who have been following me since, well, the beginning know that I struggled to get out of the 160s for quite a while.
Everybody else knows that I just don't post my weight.
Well, fuck it, here's the proof to my failure:
I still weigh ~158.
Yeah, and this is where my nerves come from.

This was supposed to be a losing summer, but I completely disregarded every single goal I set for myself.
...Maybe disregarded is the wrong word, but whatever.

Also, I really fucking hate it when people spell shit wrong on Facebook, like, MULTIPLE times.
It's FOLLOW, with two Os, dumb bitch.
Fallow? What the Hell? Blame it on our "accents", but fucking still.
Don't be so ignorant, especially since you want to become a writer.
Pft, as if you're drug-addicted ass is getting anywhere.


Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Dreams and nightmares.

It really sucks dreaming/having nightmares about a thing you don't believe exists.
It's so hard to wake up from that and realize it's never going to happen.
I fucking hate it.
Why is my head doing this? I don't want THAT. I'm terrified of THAT.
THAT isn't fucking REAL.

Please, just let me stop dreaming. It shouldn't hurt like this, or at all.

I'm losing my new "group of friends". The four of us.
I can't keep the secret. Somebody has to tell; I won't, but I want to.
He's not even truly my friend, but he has to fucking know.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You two did it and it's going to affect me.

I'm so fucking selfish...

Oh, BTW, I was on vacation last week. If you noticed that I wasn't here anyways.

Laterz, loveliez.

Thanks everybody for the comments. With this whole "teenage angst" think I've got going on, you guys make me feel... young.
Really though, I love all of you, and sometimes you're the only think that makes me feel OK.

P.P.S. (It is two Ps, right?)
My birthday is coming up. 22 days + 1 hour + 45 minutes and I... will be able to get my license.

Okay, lol, fuck. I just thought I should clarify that the cheating thing with my friends has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything, which is why I'm selfish for being upset. The three of them are the ones that are going to get hurt when it all gets out... Actually, only one of them will be getting hurt then, because it was the other two.
Our "tight little group" shall be no more soon.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Shopping and t-shirts.

Went shopping up north today for Jean's birthday -which was in April, BTW.
LOLyeah, I don't understand either, but it was still fun.
I got a shirt that says "Cool story, bro. Tell it again."

I've been so un-motivated to fucking blog.
I don't know what it is.
Hung out with Axel and Beth finally after so long, and it was like ASKULVIUE;LRA.
In a good and bad way?
Ew, this post sounds gross.

Fucking shiiiitttt.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Opinions and music.

Okay, so after a bit of free publicity, I need everybody to seriously right now go check out Camille and her blog. http://thefatassprincess.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-answers-and-other-stuff.html She's basically fantastic and enertaining and all that good shtuff. :)

I'm just chilling in my room, listening to music, feeling apprehensive... if that's the right word to describe it.
I feel like I've gained from today, which is pretty fucking ridiculous.  My calories have to be below 600.
Body, I've said it before and I'll say it again; I HATE YOU AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF.
Kay, now that that's out...

I'm feeling better I think.
I just have to make myself feel happy like I used to, nobody's going to swoop into my life and make me smile all the time. I can do it by myself.

Um, I'm very sick of having blonde hair.
I don't know what I want exactly, I have ideas -psh, plenty, like awlways- but I fucking around from dark brown to blonde and back is pretty dumb.
Bleach doesn't totally fry my hair or even hurt my scalp or anything, but it's just time and money consuming and then it's orange and it takes a month or two to get the bronze out.
Yeah, whatever.
I want brown back, and my long hair.
Why did I cut all my hair off... Why?! It's so damn annoying.  It was okay while it was short, but now it's in the awful growing out-stage.
I cut it again today.
Totally fucked up some of my bangs, but I don't really care I guess.
Okay, I really fucking care, but it'll grow out and be fine. It always does/is.
Cut some layers, might've ended up doing exactly what was done to my hair last year that prompted me to chop it off.
I won't again, Beth would murder me. xD

What do you guys think? What color should I dye my hair for the upcoming school year?
(I'm staying blonde until the end of summer, I think...)

I think I had more to say but I got distracted.
Eugh, hate it when that happens.


*Quick thanks to all of my 32 followers! In the beginning, I was excited about having 8, and now I have 32... The counters been fucking up or something or else I'm just not a very pleasing person, because from yesterday I've apparently lost two and then a little later got another...
Whatever, just want to say that if I'm not following you, comment saying your a new follower or something and I will get right on that..

Television and friends.

I'm just seriously so fucking bored lately.
I think that's why I'm usually sad or pissed or whatever.
There's nothing fucking happening in my life.
So stupid.

I have to pee.
I feel fat, even though -if I haven't fucked it up like I think I might have- I will have lost five pounds in three days this week, tomorrow.
I don't like this.

I also don't like commenting on blogs, and not really getting comments in return.

Ugh, when I have something to say, maybe I'll have a better post or whatever.
Yeah, so, 'till then or whenever...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Fear and fragility.

Is fragility a word?

I feel like I'm just in an awkward, middle state.
I'm sad, but not exactly; I'm pissed, but not really; I want to cry and scream and throw some sort of tantrum, but I won't.
It's messed up.
And at the same time that I don't want anybody to acknowledge the fact that I'm cracked, fatigued, and not always stable, I really crave having somebody here to say that it's okay.
I don't want anybody to touch me, but...

The scab on my head is itchy.
I want to rip it off.
...Will it bleed again?

I haven't been talking to Axel. He's been annoying me more than ever.
Everybody's been annoying me, sort of.
Not really.
I don't know.

This is going nowhere.


Monday, July 11, 2011

*Boredom survey. (100 Truths?)

I think it might be one hundred truths...

1. Last beverage: Water.
2. Last phone call: Um... Jean, on Saturday I think.
3. Last text message: "Good morning :)" from Axel, which didn't get a reply.
4. Last song you listened to: Start of Metal Now, by Say Anything.
5. Last time you cried: Almost yesterday, but I held back my embarrasment tears; otherwise, I don't really remember.

6. Dated someone twice: Almost every boyfriend I've had I dated a few times, except for my most recent ex which was only once -had a 'thing' afterwards but never made it 'official'.
7. Been cheated on: Been told I've been cheated on but the person wasn't my friend so might not have been totally reliable, and I believed my boyfriend-of-the-time's denial of the accusation; so I'll never really know if it was for sure, but I still don't think so.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: I liked it at the time, so no.
 9. Lost someone special: Mmm, yeah, I guess.
10. Been depressed: Meh...
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope.

12: Purple.
13: Blue.
14: The rest of the colors.

15. Made a new friend: Yeah.
16. Fallen out of love: Dunno if I've ever really been "in love".
17. Laughed until you cried: Ha, probably.
18. Met someone who changed you: Not really, maybe I guess.
19. Found out who your true friends were: Sort of.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I'm always suspicious that people are, but nobody is as far as I know.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: On FB, yeah.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: On FB, most of them.
23. How many kids do you want: Maybe, like, three.
24. Do you have any pets: One lovely, old cat, and hopefully a new puppy near the end of August.
25. Do you want to change your name: I dunno, I used to not like it and I sort of still don't, but I'm used to it.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Got my permit. 
27. What time did you wake up today: Around ten or eleven I think.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably sleeping/recuperating.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Wisconsin Dells at the end of July, tomorrow to see if I've lost weight.
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Minutes ago, she's outside now with my brother and his friend.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Is myself a suitable answer?
32. What are you listening to right now: Television, Proactiv commercial.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don't think so...
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Coral, Axel.
35. Most visited web page: MyYearbook.
36. Whats your real name: Jessica.
37. Nicknames: Jessie, Jess, Jbear, Jessiebearz...
38. Relationship Status: Single, always.
39. Zodiac sign: Virgo.
40. Male or female: Female.
41. Primary School: Elementary? -Townname- Elementary and Westwood Elementary.
42. Secondary School: Middle school? -Townname- Middle School
43. High school/college:  Same as middle school -they're connected. So technically, it's -Townname- Middle/High School.
44. Write w/e you want here: If I had any other heart besides my oooowwwwnnnn.
46. Height: 5'6.75" last time I checked.
47. Do you have a crush on anyone: No.
48. What do you like about yourself: I can be sort of funny sometimes.
 49. Piercings: Only ears so far; two on both lobes, three on left cartilage.
50. Tattoos: None -yet.
51. Righty or lefty: Right, used to be quite ambidextrous when I was younger and broke my right hand, but not so much anymore.

52. First surgery: Does getting a tube from my ear removed when I was very little count?
53. First piercing: Ear lobes, don't remember the age, which I ended up taking out and having to get re-pierced a few years later.
54. First best friend: Stephanie.
55. First sport you joined: Swimming.
56. First vacation: I don't even know, nowhere really exciting though.
58. First pair of trainers: Shoes? When I was a baby, but no nice ones until fifth grade.

59. Eating: Nothing.
60. Drinking: I really should get some more water...
61. I'm about to: do nothing..?
62. Listening to: Degrassi on TV, my mom doing miscellaneous cooking in the kitchen.
63. Waiting for: Text message and FB replies.

64. Want kids: Sure.
65. Get married: I dunno, I guess so maybe..
66. Career: No. Fucking. Clue.

67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the who/when.
69. Shorter or taller: For significant others? Taller.
70. Older or Younger: ^^^? Older?
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both... but I'm not exactly a romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms : Both, but a thin stomach on myself would be totally ideal, but so would thin arms...
73. Sensitive or loud: More on the loud side, but not overly so.
74. Hook-up or relationship: I think I'd prefer hook-ups actually. xD Of course, being a junior in the most relationship-orientated, sensitive, touchy-feely grade ever doesn't give me many oppurtunities for either that I'd enjoy.

76. Kissed a stranger: No.
77. Drank hard liquor: Vodka? Yeah, a bit.
78. glasses/contacts: Nope, 20/20, baby -better, actually, when I tested myself in Bio.
79. Sex on first date: Depends on the who/when/where I guess. xD
80. Broke someone's heart: Maybe, supposedly.
82. Been arrested: No.
83. Turned someone down: I think so,I guess... maybe.
84. Cried when someone died:  Yep.
85. Fallen for a friend:  Somewhat I guess.

86. Yourself: Eh, not really.
87. Miracles: Meh.
88. Love at first sight: I dunno, no.
89. Heaven:

90. Santa Claus: LOL. Not since I was much younger.
91. Kiss on the first date: Never really been on a proper "date".
92. Angels: Neh.

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No.
95. Did you sing today: Maybe a little.
96. Ever cheated on somebody: No.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: I don't think I would.
98. The moment you would choose to re-live: Making a snide comment to a young girl or when I hit my head yesterday.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love: Probably on some hidden psychological level.
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Is that what it's supposed to be called? 'Cause I'm definitely not afraid of posting.

Wounds and boredom surveys.

OK, so, what is there to say...
Warped was really good. :) I was almost in front for GO RADIO. Like, OMG; lovelovelove. < 3
I sang/screamed the lyrics for all of Goodnight Moon, and it was amazing.
Also saw Simple Plan and got to hear Welcome To My Life -also sang/screamed along. :D
Saw a bit of I Set My Friends On Fire -only long enough to hear But the NUNS Are Watching, which is really the only song I know by them.
And saw a bit of Blood On the Dance Floor as well -once again, only long enough to hear Sexting... then I zoned out of listening to them.
And was able to witness the biggest circle pit, like, EVER. I wasn't in it, but I was up on a hill and could actually see it from above -pretty shweet. 'Twas A Day to Remember, and Deli and I didn't participate in it because she had a headache and I did as well -get to that in a second.
Bought a horseshoe Go Radio necklace - < 3 -, a Vans anchor tank top -< 33-, got a free Vans pink/black checkered bag with the shirt -< 3-, and a pink 'FUCK CANCER' wristband.
Irony about the wristband? I've smoked this summer, but I'm done with all that -hopefully. What was even more ironic was that Dan was smoking while wearing his.
Yeah, he's sort of dumb/hypocritical.
Um, anyways, while there I hit my head... LOL. We were going under some caution tape, and there was a door open that I didn't even notice -perhaps that was why there was caution tape, or else we just weren't supposed to be back there... :P Hit my head on some sharp thing that was on the door while getting up, but it didn't hurt that bad so I just kept on following Deli and Dan.
I got a little tweaked a second later though, so I ran my fingers through my bangs -had my hair up and hit my head where it was parted- and looked in the black reflective side of the Monster truck.
I was bleeding. :P
A lot.
It went down my face and was all up in my hair and got to my mouth, and when the guy in the Monster truck made me sit down it dripped once on my shirt, twice on my pants, and quite a bit on the back of my calf.
Had to get sort of escorted to the Medical Tent and sit down and drink water, but it wasn't bad enough for stitches so I just had to wait there until I cleaned up all the blood.
The white towel they gave me looked pretty gnarly afterwards. :P
And I'd just dyed my hair pink/green -instead of pink/purple-blue-, and my hair started dripping green after I got pretty much all the blood off.
Yeah, bad highlight of the dye...
But people were making jokes -like the guy in the truck said "Here's the story: I was getting beat up by some big, black guy and you came and saved my ass, but got a little hurt in the process"; the first guy that looked at the cut smart assed that "the blood [was] turning my hair pink"; and Dan made up another story about how were looking for his two friends we went with and were asking around and some guy called them faggots so I freaked out and they jumped me.
Yeah, one actually did believe him, the other just called me a dumbass when Dan said he was kidding.

I'm all chill now, it just sort of stings -only enough for me to know it's there, though.
Yeah, and I think that's it...
But I'm bored enough to do a survey type thing, which Samzi did and I am copying from her blog. :)
Don't feel obligated to even glance at it, it's a distraction of sorts I suppose.


*Comment replies
@Don't_Judge_Me; I'm not even sure I'm a big fan of PT anyways...
Ha, if you have dreams weirder than little girls smoking crack that their grandma gives them than I'm not sure if the trade is a good idea... ;P

@CinnamonBrown; I ended up having some Friday/Saturday binges, but over the weekend I only gained back one pound of the five. :D I'm sure your losing just as nicely anyways, since everything I've lost is just binge weight.
What do macaroons taste like anyways? Are they like cookies? ...I think I'd rather save them up and put them on the shelf in my room than eat them though. xD ...Do you think 'pineapple-under-the-sea' flavor would be more pineapple-ish, or sea-ish? o.o
Please don't binge drink! It won't do any good; it's just empty calories. :(
I'm already feeling a bit better today, thanks. :)

@PrincessPerfection; Yeah, that's what it is. Don't get me wrong, it can be really helpful and entertaining, but there are things on there that some people could consider triggering
Warped was fun, thanks. :)

@Samzi; Wewt, thanks. :D
Yeah, maybe that's why I don't like it as much as I used to; I've gotten much more connection, support, and understanding here on Blogger than there. Nothing can really compare I guess.
Gained back one of those five after the weekend, and four pounds isn't nearly as impressive of a loss, but y'know; it was all binge weight anyways, so it's not some great feat like everybody else -or maybe I on that post- made it out to be.
If you get the chance, you should definitely go; highest of recommendations from me. :)

*Posting survey on different post, because this one is already so long.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

PT and Warped.

Probably won't be posting tomorrow, and maybe not the day after unless I go on my phone...
So, quick post that might not actually be quick... :P

I was just on PT, and I was actually commenting on posts.
Whoahdude, I almost had a heart attack.
I'm comfortable here on Blogger with you guys, but PT is a whole other place...
I know I know, it's all about support and no one will laugh at me and I'm not alone; but still.
It's sort of like school, and I feel like I'm never going to fit in there.

I've drank a lot of water and have to piss every ten damn seconds...
Because I ate too many potatoes today after having a "good week" -losing five lbs in three days FTW- and this is my attempt at "damage control".
Fuck this. I'm fat.

Did Jessie just mention "ED" related things on her blog? Shockerrrrr.

Not the best mood today.
Have you noticed?
Sort of pissed, really antisocial.



*Comment replies

@Don't_Judge_Me; I think I will have a good time there, it's just the before and after I'm tweaking about. :/
Lol. Slash-above-e... fancy. ;)
I sort of like owls; they make pretty jewelry. xD It is most definitely a boy, and I think I like the name Cleo. ^^ But not for sure yet... The naming process if very important... xD
Yes, I would like to trade, for at least one night. :(
Does that mean you get my weird as Hell dreams too?

@PrincessPerfection; I wasn't as self-conscious or antisocial the first time I went two years ago, so I just constantly remind myself of how much fun it is and how little everybody cares about how you look there to not psyche myself out. ^^ 'Cause when I'm there, I'm just another freak at Warped; not a loser with pink/purple hair that's sort of a bitch. :3
I'm not name creative either. D: I actually thought about the little owl's name for like... a day.
:P :)

@PatienceElizabeth; I think some of those are seriously dropping off the tour after Saturday, because I don't think they were on the list for MN. D:
New to D.R.U.G.S. and so excited to see them though! :D

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Headaches and centipedes.

My house is total bug central.
I HATE bugs, with an inferno-esque passion.
I just had to throw a centi- or milli- or whatever- pede in the toilet.
I can't just squash them and throw them in the trash, because they might still be alive and get out...
Is that weird?

I've got a headache.
And I'm tired.
I'm, like, always tired...
I used to be able to stay up until 3am easy, now I'm sleepy by 12-ish.
I don't like it.
Doesn't help that I'm always just bored at night... UGH.

I'm texting and I'm not in the mood for texting.
I'm never in the mood for texting.

I'm stuck in my version of depression, which isn't actually depression because I'm not depressed.
I prefer my neutral phases -which are rare-, or my slightly more hyper ones.
I was actually contemplating finding an excuse to not go to Warped this year.
I'm just mega-tweaking about it.
Mostly because somebody I don't know is going to be in the car and we might be dropping off Deli somewhere else on the way home so then I'm alone in the car with her boyfriend and his friend -the one I don't know.
It'll be awkward, or I'll think it is; small talk is not my forte.
I don't know how to spell forte, so I just did whatever.
Points for sounding it out?

Oh, here's a list of all the bands at Warped '11.
I'm not actually excited for most of them, since I don't listen to/like most of them.
But I just love Warped or something, or I love being a poser...
I don't know, I don't think I'm a poser.
I just want to see Go Radio, D.R.U.G.S (Destroy Rebuild Until God ....something that starts with an 's' that I forgot), maybe ADTR and Hellogoodbye.
For a lineup of 50+, you'd think I'd have more of a variety I'd be interested in.
Lots of them are skipping MN though, so yeah. :/
Paramore, 3OH!3, Falling In Reverse... :(

Ohmygod, I hate writing long things.
Oh, and, quick poll which will not really be a poll because I'm far too lazy to actually make a poll thing...
Those that are following Camille more than likely have been on her page and seen that little owl guy, and those aren't following and haven't seen it should go, like, now... -She's super shweet and cosmic and made this chat thing that's rad. ^^
Yeah, I'm thinking of a name for him so I can pretend he's my little stuffed animal guy and cuddle him -through the computer screen. :D
I don't care if he's already been named, because I'm doing it again. >:P
I'm horrible with names, but I've thought of Charlie and Cleo. :3
I feel like a creep right now, go me.
RAEWR. Self esteem suuuccckkkssss.