(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Naps and cookies [and Day Ten].

I got home from Christine's around noon.  Her house is the only one I will leave rather "early" in the morning. I get so bored there.
We almost got in a fight -as much as a fight as we can get in anyways... it's hard to explain- last night.
She never stops talking about how "sucky" her family is, and I'm always just like "Oh yeah, it sucks, blahblahblah" even though I really don't care.
Unless they're just amazing at putting on some sort of show, I think her family seems pretty sweet.
She just has this stupid as Hell hatred for her dad, because apparently he fucked up her childhood because he yelled at her and scared her.
Um, hello? I don't think I can think of one dad that didn't do that, at least out of people I know.
So last night I was trying to get her to see that HER LIFE KIND OF FUCKING ROCKS. She's so well off and she takes it for granted, and her dad is trying so damn hard to be with her, and all she says is how much she hates him.
It pissed me off, and it probably pissed her off yesterday but GOD DAMN, IF ALL YOUR GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN PREPARED FOR ME TO CALL YOU OUT.
Yeah, it's sad I guess that her parents are "separated" but she... I don't know. She whines. So much. And then she whines about other people whining.
I fucking whine, I know I do, but I don't whine about myself.
Last night I wanted to yell at her that I wish I could switch lives with her and be her -except I don't want her body/looks... that sounds bitchy, but she's skinny with rather huge tits for her size and never STFUs about it- and tell her that at least she doesn't have a god damn eating disorder, at least she can look at herself in the mirror without wishing she knew how to purge so she could get rid of everything, and at least she doesn't have to hide scars and throw razors away so she doesn't make more.
But I didn't because I don't think my life sucks... all the time.
Ugh. There's tons more I'd like to say, but I have to stop. I need Beth and Jean.

My mom and I kind of made cookies together when I got home. Chocolate with white chips.
She bought white chips because she knows I LOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE, and they were on sale.
I've eaten so many of them, it's gross. If I fucking gain from it, I'll be so fucking pissed... only at myself, of course, but y'know.
And I fell asleep sometime around whenever... Maybe like 4 or 3? And woke up at 5, then fell asleep and woke up again around 5:30, and my mom was asking if I wanted dinner and I couldn't have dinner because I'm a fat ass.
And I didn't want mashed potatoes and corn anyways.
I want food though. I want food because I'm sad, and I don't know why I'm sad. I feel like crying. I'm so frustrated, but I don't know WHY.
But if I gain from today, I know I'll drop back into the cycle I just recently "broke" and I'll never stop eating.

I'm giving blood on Wednesday. I'm scared.
Only you guys will understand why. Everybody else is just like "Oh Jessie, you won't FAINT. You'll be FINE." All I hear is that I'm too fat to be worried about, I'm too big to crash to the floor unconscious after losing a pint -is that how much they take?- of blood; I'm not worthy of your precious brain.
Now I'm so negative. Oh damn...
I have to lay down sometimes because I take too hot of a SHOWER. Maybe those are two totally different things -because I don't really get the overheated thing since it only just recently started happening and doesn't consistently happen every time I take a hot shower.

My brother just set out ice cream. I want ice cream.
I want to go in my room and cry too, but I fucking won't.
I have homework to do. Not much at all, but I'm supposed to write a short descriptive narrative about being outside in the woods or some shit.
I've lost all my like for my own writing. I know it sucks. I used to like it, but now I don't. I used to think it was good, but I know it's not.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. I'm already failing. There's nothing out there for me.
I'm having a horrible night.

I'm sorry.

DAY TEN: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Do I? Yes. Regularly? Not exactly. And there's no 'usually' for what I'll have. It varies every time I have something in the morning, which isn't often anyways I guess, especially since I have school.

Haley: I know right?! I wish I could, but I can't.

Sam Lupin: If I have cravings, I have to either ignore them or go full out on them. No way would I fit my cravings in 200 calories! I don't even crave things >200 calories... 3:
Well, I'm quite imperfect already, but in the wrong ways to be imperfectly perfect and pretty. xD But I agree with what you're saying. Watching Resident Evil 3 last night and got freaked out when one of the girls' faces looked much too damn perfect, and it made her look not so pretty. >.< But I didn't think she was pretty before, her hair was bothering me too much. D:
I don't mean baby-face as in too round. o: I mean... it's hard to explain! I love people with baby-faces, they be cute. :3 Just my face is... awkward. Take my word for it, and I did nawt insult you. x]
Diet Pepsi ONLY. Because my dad is addicted so I've been occasionally sipping on it since I was young. o:
HAAAA. I'm always single. ;D < 333

I have to write this stupid thing now.
Laterz, loveliez.


  1. To this entry:
    LIFE IS DAMN GORGEOUS YOU KNOW? :) gahhh. those girls that are skinny with no eating disorder. she can keep her huge tits though. yummy! cookies are so delicious. i rarely eat them though. :( mostly because i never get the chance.
    mashed potatoes and corn. my bad experience with mashed potatoes = bad. bad. bad.
    when you said you were giving blood, i thought you meant another word for "period"...this is coming from the IB student that has to do an oral presentation, a commentary and a literature essay for her standard level English. *shakes head*
    my anemia. gah. i'd faint. definitely. hell, right now, i'm on the verge of fainting, but i just need water and maybe some tea. purging makes me dehydrated.
    ice cream. i only like specific ice cream. i had a huge dosage of peanut butter ice cream once (not really) but huge for me, and i just can't eat that anymore, nor chocolate. so only vanilla. because strawberry tastes like puke (this is coming from the purging artist here).

    gimmie ten minutes.
    I stand here between dark, haunting trees. The darkness engulfs my silhouette and the night light drapes over me like a casting shadow. There is no sound, but there is sight. Sights of the moon's flickering light, the sights of the furry gray rabbits hopping off in another distance, leaving me, as the sun left the sky, but the moonlight embraces me - if only for a moment. The darkness crept along my skin.
    I hear the sound of a gunshot in the far off distance. Maybe it's imaginary, but I don't think so anymore. Every ear-splitting bullet shot in the air makes me fear that I am the rabbit that is being haunted. I feel smaller all of a sudden as I crouch down to see my predator. A man walks out, with soft piercing blue eyes.
    Maybe it's a dream.
    Maybe I'm so far lost in reality that all is imaginary or maybe it's the blue colour of his eyes. All I know is that his eyes are not on the rabbit, but on me for only a moment.
    "ADRIAN!" I hear the sound of a deep voice. My lips are dry. My mouth has been open for far too long. My bones ache. The rabbits hop. The moonlight sings. Adrian's friend shoots again and it hits me - I see the bullet whizzing through me.
    Maybe I wanted to die.
    Maybe I did not.
    Or maybe it's because Mother rabbit did not tell me to hop. Whatever it is, I melt in the colour of those blue eyes, into oceans of ultramarine and moonlight wishes.

    I'm sure you need it to be longer, but for 6-minutes of writing, that's not so bad.

    To your response to my comment: THATS WHAT YOU THINK, love. Everything can be fit into >200 calories. Unless you're craving Satan's casserole. Then can't help you there. xD. my house is full of soup, oatmeal and rarely anything else -except for today. It has leftovers today- and one of my biggest binge foods. Soup + noodles.
    yeah. too much perfect is too creepy.
    I'm also always single. Except when I'm mourning my ex. Then I'm single with a grudge against my ex.

    Laterz, loveliiii. <3

    To your comment on my blog: those fritter things are actually really individual in their taste, but they're definitely ANYTHING but dry. and they don't taste like tea. they taste a bit like...olive-tasting leaves. i think if you love olive oil, you might like that. :) ahahahaha. i have a crap idea of what i can/can't eat. if i go over limit, then...that's it. i feel like i failed. good and bad thing at once. :) but thank you, love. <3
    purging is a horrid addiction. *sighs* i just feel like i've slipped up too much, you know?

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I'm sorry your having a bad day hun. I completely understand that frustrating feeling of not knowing what's Really eating at You. Oh and I completely agree with you about your friend. I have daddy issues too but I never complain or share unless its absolutely bothering me. Her life, my life, your life. It Really isn't as bad as we think. I just wish I could realize that most of the time like you.
    Stay amazing.
    Stay strong.
    Scarlett <3