(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kitties and baths [and Day Thirty-Four].

I really have to pee right now but am determined to do this first, so short and sweet unless I get rambly!
My kitty is sleeping next to me right now. He's so cute. < 3

I totally forgot to mention but my blog is officially a year old!
Older than that really, but only a few days or ten or something... I'm not entirely sure.
Just wanted to mention that though.

I'm cold. I've been cold since I got in my car and came home two hours ago.
I want to take a bath but I have to leave in about fifteen minutes to take my brother to meet my dad so he can get some new boots for winter.
(I couldn't take it anymore and went and pissed. Just thought I'd let you know.)
I just crave very warm water and being very warm and relaxing by myself and trying not to think so much.

I'm having a week where I feel like I don't matter. I'm staying relatively cheerful and happy and energetic -can't you see it in this post? ;P- but I feel like everybody is just using me and doesn't really care.
Lol. I know that I don't really have anyone that actually genuinely cares, but I don't feel like anyone cares at all.
I think everybody else is having a kind of moody week too, though. So it really isn't a huge deal I guess.

I'm rambling.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your UGW?
If I had one, I'd feel the same way about it as I feel about counting calories; if I give it all up once I am magically at my UGW, then I'll gain everything back and all my effort will be for naught.

Going to get ready to leave.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Crying and dying [and Day Thirty-Three].

I'm horrible at voicing my emotions.
Like, I can be pissed, but I'm never really horribly mad.
I can be bothered, but I'm NEVER sad around ANYONE.
Even my own family isn't allowed to see me cry.
But I'm this horribly emotional person, ever since I was little I've cried easily. Pain, words, loud voices, the thought that I've upset someone that I really love accidentally -anything can make me tear up.
I need to not have these emotions, I need to be as emotionless as I pretend.
I wish it was that easy. I really do.

I might miss school on Friday, for a funeral. Ann's grandma died last night. I saw her more than my own grandparents, especially when I was younger.
Ann said it, she was how I found out. She wasn't in first hour this morning and I have her first hour teacher third hour -when she has an open hour- so she came down to see what she missed.
She told our teacher, and she almost started crying.
I should've hugged her or at least talked to her... but I didn't because I'm a horrible person.
I feel so bad, but I didn't want to start crying too. I hate comforting people. I'm so selfish.

I'm calming down I think. I wasn't really hysteric or anything, but I cried while driving home a little bit ago.
I'm feeling a little okay, better atleast.

DAY THIRTY-THREE: Will you continue counting calories when you reach your UGW?
If I ever get there, I think I'll have to, otherwise I'll gain everything back.

Thanks for the comments guys. Dunno if I'll be reciprocating tonight, but maybe...
Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Fucking up and water [and Days Thirty, Thirty-One, and Thirty-Two].

Thanksgiving has fucked me up more than I thought, I think...
Will power is gone, motivation is nonexistant.
I have to pee... again. God, fuck thiissss.
So much water I've drank... If it helps, then that's awesome. If not, this is so stupid...
Um, I went back to school today. I also am officially signed up to help with the winter play.
Whoa, I'm actually participating in something. Shoockkkkeerrrr.

DAY THIRTY: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
No, reaching the goal should be enough of a reward for me. Well, sometimes I'll tell myself I can't go shopping unless I'm xxxlbs or something, but I think of that more as a "punishment" for being such a lousy fuck.

DAY THIRTY-ONE: What are your favorite healthy snacks? 
Well, I'm more of a junk food person, but I like pretty much all fruits and vegetables... Strawberries might be my favorite though, I guess..?

DAY THIRTY-TWO: What is your weakness/one food you can't say no to?
Uh... I can't really think of anything? Because I know I CAN say no to anything and everything, it's all just a matter of how much will power I have that day. I'm failing at saying no to S'mores Poptarts at school lately though.

I'm going to watch a new movie on YouTube I heard about.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Halfway points and being proud [and Days Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine].

Yesterday, as I'm sure basically everybody knows already, was Thanksgiving.
I don't think I did too bad. Like, I snacked a bunch mostly, but I think I only gained ~1 or 1.5 pounds.
I was expecting 2+, so that's not bad, but I had gained the day before too, so it's like REALLY.
I'd been at something like a four-day plateau type thing and wasn't losing or gaining anyways, so maybe this can give me a jump start or something, but it's still kind of annoying to have to keep re-starting right when I think I'm doing alright.
I don't feel like I'm making sense...
Aw well, I'm annoyed and disappointed because it's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home.
I've really started to hate just sitting at home, especially at nights and multiple days/nights in a row.
Everyone's gone somewhere or other for the holiday or can't leave and I can't hang out with Axel because he's got a new, thirteen year old girlfriend and he's pissing me off.
He asked me for a ride to my band concert on Monday, after saying the only reason he was going was to see her.
People mooch off me, I hate it but I let them do it.
Anyways... I don't know where I was going with all this...

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
Um, depending on how I'm doing at the time, anything that has too many calories is off limits, otherwise I'm having what I want when I want and it's a total free-for-all. I don't have a list of foods I can't have or I'm scared to have...

Not where I should be at the half-point, but I would've been without Thanksgiving I think... Plus, I don't have much I want to lose in this anyways; it was mostly something to get me back on track, and I think it's working.

WEEK FIVE - Challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit in it!
I already have a pair of jeans that are way too tight to be comfortable that I want to be loose-fitting, so there; challenge fulfilled without paying money. :3

DAY TWENTY-NINE:  What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?
I'll actually go check that right now I guess, since I weighed myself pretty late on day one anyways.... And that was about 161, so I guess -2 from day one? How pathetic, but now I have to piss so maybe more like 160.5... Nasty regardless.

Laterz, loveliez. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving and gaining [and Days Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, and Twenty-Seven].

I'm doing bad at blogging daily again.
Life and school and friends and sleep... Blogging daily has trouble finding space in my 'hectic' life.
Anyways, I might be joining my school's Speech Team.. But I'm caught between psyching myself out and being way too nervous/scared to do it and just growing a pair and joining.
I don't know what category I'd do though... Jean, who joined last year, says I'd be good at Prose or Humorous or even Story-Telling, and Christine said I should do Creative like she does -which she's never been awarded for in three years...
I want to do Duo though, atleast to test drive my first year. I'd do it with Bryce hopefully, he was trying to get me to do it with him on Monday... but I don't know if he's changed his mind and wants to ride solo now...

DAY TWENTY-FOUR: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Being only a junior in high school that participates in zero after school activities and usually has barely any very close friends, I don't know if I even have many priorities. Losing usually is on top though I guess...

DAY TWENTY-FIVE: Do you ever eat fast food?
Usually, no. Lately, a little. Only fries or yogurt from the McDs in Walmart, along with pop... Hanging out with guys that actually eat sucks.

DAY TWENTY-SIX: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Uh... is shark week an awkward and fancy new code for period? Um, if so, it doesn't really affect me a lot, so whether or not I eat more that week than any other week is just dependent on my will power and self-control that week.

Laterz, loveliez.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Being lazy and baking [and Days Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, and Twenty-Three].

I'm not doing anything today, I think.
It feels kind of nice.  I was actually able to sleep in this morning and I'm not tired and I'm just chillin'. :)
Ignoring the stress and all that.
I went and saw my high school's play last night with Jean, and it was amazing.
They did Annie and I've only watched the movie once -earlier this week- and was bored out of my mind and couldn't finish it... But they did really good, it was super funny. xD
And I may or may not have yelled "AWYEAH *name of director who is also my Spanish teacher*" when he came on stage at the end to bow... x3
I'm feeling better right now, guys. I don't know why. I'm glad, even though it doesn't feel like it's going to last. It's nice.

DAY TWENTY: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Um, the obvious answer is yes, but I don't have binges like eating a bunch in a short amount of time -I usually have ones that are spread out throughout the entire day-, and my binges are babies compared to others, but to me they're binges all the same. 

DAY TWENTY-ONE: Do you listen to music when you work out?
I don't really work out. xD And if I do, I do something on the Wii, which might be Just Dance 2 which would be yes or it might be Biggest Loser or WiiFit or something which would be no. If I'm just fucking around doing random shit in my room, then usually I do.

WEEK FOUR: Challenge - Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one new vegetable that you've never tried before, and learn how to cook one new healthy meal.
I actually might be able to do this one, because Thanksgiving is on Thursday so maybe there will be something new, and we're doing some potluck type thing in my English class on Tuesday that's supposed to be 'healthy food' so that might help too... Cooking will be hard though, since I don't cook anything for myself. I made chocolate chip banana bread for the first time today... Does that count? xD

DAY TWENTY-TWO: Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?
Depends, is this for girl and boy friends? Boys, I'm pretty much bigger than all of them. *LeSigh. But I don't really compare myself to them, since they're guys and they have muscles and rockin' metabolisms and we have a joke that they're all going to get very fat when they're old. >;3 Girls, I'm kind of... in the middle? Smaller than Jean, larger than Christine, maybe the same or slightly smaller -but they have tits and I don't so it's hard to tell...- than Mickey and Beth... Beth and I actually weighed ourselves in my basement when she slept over last weekend and I was less than her and I'm ~3 inches taller so that was kind of a self-esteem booster for a bit, but not really. Then I introduced her to drinking water EVERY DAY instead of pop and now she might drop, who knows.

DAY TWENTY-THREE: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
....The only easy answer is yes, but it can be no too. It depends on the situation and blahblahblah, but I guess it would be a yes. I won't usually not go somewhere or not do something because I think I'm fat -usually, not always, I have dropped out of plans on days where I feel too fat or want to avoid food- but it holds me back I think with other things, but that's all self-esteem/anxiety stuff pretty much. So I guess I'll just have to see if anything changes when I lose more.

Procrastination leads to large posts. Sorry.
Going to continue my day of rest and rocking the fuck out of doing nothing.
Laterz, loveliez.

**Quick thanks to heiscertainlyworthit and Samzi for the comments. I think I did good on my test actually. :D Hope you both are feeling good today. < 3
And Lloyd, the relationship I have with a-'God'-I-don't-believe-is-there is nonexistent. Thanks for following though.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Water and chips [and Day Nineteen].

I made it two weeks without chips, but I've been eating them this week.

I go through... "phases" of being sad/mad/happy. Sometimes it's a mix of the three.
Right now I feel kind of sad, kind of nothing... Mostly tired. Really tired.
Destroyed three fucking math assignments today, though. Only two more to do for Thursday, and then two review packets for Friday + a test.
I always do the homework, Jean does the packets and makes a study/cheat card for the test.
It's kind of a sucky deal for me, but I feel like I have to do stuff to keep my friends sometimes...

DAY NINETEEN: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
All the time. Well, not as often anymore, but there was a short amount of time where I got pretty fucking crafty with food and not eating. I miss those days.

Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Phoenix and cheese [and Days Sixteen, Seventeen, and Eighteen].

Watching HP: OOTP.
In a bad mood.
The sad kind of bad.

DAY SIXTEEN: Have you ever missed a workout just because you couldn't be bothered?
Yeah. Pretty much every day of my life.

DAY SEVENTEEN: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Both, yes, but neither very often.

DAY EIGHTEEN: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Sometimes, not often though. I've usually got a choice. And I wouldn't know, since they don't know as far as I know.

Laterz, loveliez.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Boredom and laziness [and Days Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, and Fifteen..]

I've gotten lazy about updating again.
I'm tired right now. Last night I was out until ~12:15am and Beth slept over and I have a hard time sleeping when I'm sharing a bed...
I don't know why. Even when it's my bed, I feel kind of awkward?
It can get a little fucking ridiculous.
Anyways... I have a bit of catching up to do with the Challenge, so I'm going to start that so this isn't fricking long as fuck.
(Yes, I used fricking and fuck in the same sentence... Don't question it; let it happen.)

DAY TWELVE: What are your friends eating habits like?
Oh God, how do I even start... Sometimes, it's like a contest of "Who eats the least" and "Who is the smallest". Yeah, even with some of my guy friends. It can be a little fucked up. In the end, I think it just makes people feel shitty. Or maybe it's just me. I approach and understand social situations a little different than everybody else...

DAY THIRTEEN: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
LOL. DUH. I'm fucking sixteen, sometimes what I'm living/breathing/FUNCTIONING on is pure junk. Like, mostly energy drinks and stuff like that, but sometimes all I'm eating is S'mores PopTarts or Zebra Cakes, because that's what I get at lunch in the vending machines -which is influenced by my friends usually. xD I totally got off track with this question... But the answer is definitely YES.

DAY FOURTEEN: Do you ever allow yourself a "rest day" from exercise or a "cheat day" from your diet?
If I exercised regularly, then I would, but I try not to give myself cheat days. When they happen, they just happen. I rarely plan them out, unless I know a few days beforehand that I'm going out or something like that, then I guess kind of...

Challenge - Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren't going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!
It's like the exclamation point is supposed to make that exciting... I'm already failing at this for one day, because it's 10:00 and I'm fucking dead to the world already. I'm not going to "exercise". If I exercise at all this week, even with this challenge, I will be shockedasfuck

DAY FIFTEEN: What is your favorite kind of exercise?
The kind that I don't really think about, that just sort of happens. Like, running around with my friends and junk like that... If that doesn't count, then I like the Wii stuff, mostly just Just Dance 2... I really want the 3rd one.

Okay, got that all done with...
Also, I'm charging my camera right now, so maybe there will be some pictures up this weekend? If anything, they'll go up tomorrow; incentive to post and not get behind again and I'm -like I've said multiples times in this post I think- TIRED.

Oh, but before I go, I would like to say that I really want to hurt D and Christine. It's almost fucking painful. :)
And I really want to comment on stuff, but my laptop is dying, and I have to use Firefox to comment on stuff because Internet Explorer 9 -is it 9 now? or 8?- doesn't let me comment but Firefox won't connect.
UGH. :(
I'll get to it though. :)

Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, November 7, 2011

More cookies and writing [and Day Eleven].

These cookies will be the death of me.
HatehatehatehatehatehateHATE it.
Ugh. Probably ruined my whole day again... Fuck.

DAY ELEVEN: What are your family's eating habits like?
Hm, that's kind of hard to say actually. It's kind of bad, lots of junk. We don't normally sit down and eat together, me and my brother eat wherever the Hell we want. There's a lot of horrible habits... And I occasionally suspect my mom has an eating disorder, and she used to -maybe still does, I don't know- think the same of me. So I guess it's just not good for the most part.

Scarlett: Thanks. < 3 The only reason I'm always thinking life could be worse, is because I've seen the worse; I've come on here and read horrible things, and I know that there's so much more that isn't even being documented. That's why it totally gets to me when people expect me to give them sympathy for stupid things, especially when they never stop talking about it. I do understand that people like to vent though. Lol. Just, it can be a lot sometimes, and I tweak easy. :)

Sam Lupin: Jeez, write a novel much?! Lol. These cookies should get thrown in the trash... 
A bad experience with mashed potatoes and corn? Uh, okay? xD 
HA. I was on my period... but I'm pretty sure it's over, so I'm feeling a little more secure about giving blood on Wednesday. :P I know having my period wouldn't really affect anything much, but it still made me nervous.. xD
I love ice cream normally, but I'm ignoring it now. Just pretending it doesn't exist. xD I wish I didn't like some of this junk stuff, but it's like AGH. Lol. I like strawberry ice cream... sometimes.
AH. WHY CAN'T I BE YOU AND/OR HAVE YOUR BRAIN AND WRITING SKILL? I wish I could've friggin' used that. D: For six minutes, that was pretty amazing.
Ha, I have a love-hate relationship with the days my house is empty of food, which isn't that often. Four people, one being a boy about to hit his pre-pre-teen growth spurt, in one house means lots of food for the most part...
Lololol. Ex's can suck it.
Oh... I don't know if I like olive oil... I don't really know if I know what the taste of olive oil is? xD But now it's one of my life goals to try one of those things...
You haven't slipped up too much, you can never slip up too much! As long as you never give up, you're doing amazing. :D

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Naps and cookies [and Day Ten].

I got home from Christine's around noon.  Her house is the only one I will leave rather "early" in the morning. I get so bored there.
We almost got in a fight -as much as a fight as we can get in anyways... it's hard to explain- last night.
She never stops talking about how "sucky" her family is, and I'm always just like "Oh yeah, it sucks, blahblahblah" even though I really don't care.
Unless they're just amazing at putting on some sort of show, I think her family seems pretty sweet.
She just has this stupid as Hell hatred for her dad, because apparently he fucked up her childhood because he yelled at her and scared her.
Um, hello? I don't think I can think of one dad that didn't do that, at least out of people I know.
So last night I was trying to get her to see that HER LIFE KIND OF FUCKING ROCKS. She's so well off and she takes it for granted, and her dad is trying so damn hard to be with her, and all she says is how much she hates him.
It pissed me off, and it probably pissed her off yesterday but GOD DAMN, IF ALL YOUR GOING TO TALK ABOUT IS YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN PREPARED FOR ME TO CALL YOU OUT.
Yeah, it's sad I guess that her parents are "separated" but she... I don't know. She whines. So much. And then she whines about other people whining.
I fucking whine, I know I do, but I don't whine about myself.
Last night I wanted to yell at her that I wish I could switch lives with her and be her -except I don't want her body/looks... that sounds bitchy, but she's skinny with rather huge tits for her size and never STFUs about it- and tell her that at least she doesn't have a god damn eating disorder, at least she can look at herself in the mirror without wishing she knew how to purge so she could get rid of everything, and at least she doesn't have to hide scars and throw razors away so she doesn't make more.
But I didn't because I don't think my life sucks... all the time.
Ugh. There's tons more I'd like to say, but I have to stop. I need Beth and Jean.

My mom and I kind of made cookies together when I got home. Chocolate with white chips.
She bought white chips because she knows I LOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE, and they were on sale.
I've eaten so many of them, it's gross. If I fucking gain from it, I'll be so fucking pissed... only at myself, of course, but y'know.
And I fell asleep sometime around whenever... Maybe like 4 or 3? And woke up at 5, then fell asleep and woke up again around 5:30, and my mom was asking if I wanted dinner and I couldn't have dinner because I'm a fat ass.
And I didn't want mashed potatoes and corn anyways.
I want food though. I want food because I'm sad, and I don't know why I'm sad. I feel like crying. I'm so frustrated, but I don't know WHY.
But if I gain from today, I know I'll drop back into the cycle I just recently "broke" and I'll never stop eating.

I'm giving blood on Wednesday. I'm scared.
Only you guys will understand why. Everybody else is just like "Oh Jessie, you won't FAINT. You'll be FINE." All I hear is that I'm too fat to be worried about, I'm too big to crash to the floor unconscious after losing a pint -is that how much they take?- of blood; I'm not worthy of your precious brain.
Now I'm so negative. Oh damn...
I have to lay down sometimes because I take too hot of a SHOWER. Maybe those are two totally different things -because I don't really get the overheated thing since it only just recently started happening and doesn't consistently happen every time I take a hot shower.

My brother just set out ice cream. I want ice cream.
I want to go in my room and cry too, but I fucking won't.
I have homework to do. Not much at all, but I'm supposed to write a short descriptive narrative about being outside in the woods or some shit.
I've lost all my like for my own writing. I know it sucks. I used to like it, but now I don't. I used to think it was good, but I know it's not.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. I'm already failing. There's nothing out there for me.
I'm having a horrible night.

I'm sorry.

DAY TEN: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Do I? Yes. Regularly? Not exactly. And there's no 'usually' for what I'll have. It varies every time I have something in the morning, which isn't often anyways I guess, especially since I have school.

Haley: I know right?! I wish I could, but I can't.

Sam Lupin: If I have cravings, I have to either ignore them or go full out on them. No way would I fit my cravings in 200 calories! I don't even crave things >200 calories... 3:
Well, I'm quite imperfect already, but in the wrong ways to be imperfectly perfect and pretty. xD But I agree with what you're saying. Watching Resident Evil 3 last night and got freaked out when one of the girls' faces looked much too damn perfect, and it made her look not so pretty. >.< But I didn't think she was pretty before, her hair was bothering me too much. D:
I don't mean baby-face as in too round. o: I mean... it's hard to explain! I love people with baby-faces, they be cute. :3 Just my face is... awkward. Take my word for it, and I did nawt insult you. x]
Diet Pepsi ONLY. Because my dad is addicted so I've been occasionally sipping on it since I was young. o:
HAAAA. I'm always single. ;D < 333

I have to write this stupid thing now.
Laterz, loveliez.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Sleep overs and ice scrapers [and Day Nine].

It's 5:20 pm and I'm posting?!

Only 'cause I'm going to Christine's and staying the night there, and I'm leaving in about an hour.
And I was on the laptop reading and all that so I thought I might as well get this done now.

I have something I've been obsessively thinking about for the past... day.
I'm scared, I can't tell anybody, because nobody would understand.
I could only tell you guys, but I'm even nervous about that.
Not nervous in the same way as I would be if I thought about telling RL people, but nervous about saying it at all...

Anyways, let's talk about that later, or never, or something.
This 2nd week challenge thing hasn't really been happening. xD I am a failure at planning things ahead of time, because my goal every single day is to eat nothing, but obviously that isn't realistic. I hate planning it because I don't crave that need to know exactly what's going to happen and what is or isn't going in my mouth at every second of the day.  I'm more of the type of person that "wings it", and goes with what I'm feeling at that specific moment in time.
I have been planning a few hours before, though. Like, comparing which I could/should have and deciding on lowest calorie/healthiest. So I've definitely been eating less. :)
I know it's only the second -or is it third?- day of this second week, but I just wanted to say... xD

DAY NINE: What is your favorite food, healthy or unhealthy?
Seriously? How do I choose? Um, I love cheese. Macaroni&Cheese, grilled cheese, quesadillas con queso... etc. And I love pastries and all things junk. I don't think I could ever pick one food that I love more than any other... At the moment, I'm obsessed with yogurt, Oatmeal Creme Pies, and S'mores PopTarts -that I only will eat at school, out of the vending machines.
That doesn't really answer that question, I guess, but I really don't know. There's too much.

Now I must say THANKS to everybody that commented yesterday or any other day.
Responding to people from yesterday....

SAM LUPIN: xD There's nothing perfect about me or my body, because perfection is unattainable. ;3 But I'm working on getting "as close as possible". Lol. I have a "baby-face" with high cheekbones, it's a weird combination, perhaps not exactly considered lovely. :P 
 UGH. I hate Pepsi. D: Not just Pepsi actually, all dark pops... except Dr. Pepper. Coke and Pepsi... just no. :\ Red Bull is heaven compared to them. ;] 
Is it weird to say I have an Internet crush on you even though I don't really know you? Yeah? Okay. I was kidding. x3 

HEISCERTAINLYWORTHIT: I'm actually not feeling down on myself, I was just honestly stating the body parts that I could say I like about myself. Thanks though. < 3

SKINNYNINNY: Lol. I like your name. :3 Just like I said right there ^, I wasn't trying to! I was just being honest. ;] And I used to tell people that whined about themselves all the time, if you don't like it - change it! Which is what I'm trying to do. :) Still, THANKS. < 3

RUN: Ha, my hair -even if it's medium-length, thin, and my bangs are allll wrrooonnnggg- is my best feature. ;)

Laterz, loveliez.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Red Bull and Walmart [and Day Eight].

Lol. I'm already having trouble remembering what day I'm on... :P

DAY EIGHT: Name 5 things you like about your body and the one body part you'd like to change the most.
...Eye color, collarbones (kinda), ankles (I guess?), skin (can stay relatively clear if I try hard enough), and hair (does that count?). So then I basically want to change everything else, but my stomach the most I think... I don't know. xD

Crashing after drinking 3 Red Bulls, even though they didn't get me hyper... I'm still crashing?
Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Tests and sleeping [and Day Seven].

All I've wanted to do this week is sleep.

DAY SEVEN: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?
No. I am totally embarrassed about what I'm doing, not the "unhealthy way" that I'm doing it exactly -which would have to be a secret no matter what- but the fact that I have to lose weight at all. I'm always afraid that if I call myself fat or say I have to lose weight, everybody will only feel obligated to deny my own accusations, or else they won't deny it at all and it'll be one of those "That awkward moment when a fat girl calls herself fat" times.

Tomorrow is the start of the second week.
WEEK TWO: Weekly Challenge - Get organized! This week try to plan tomorrow's meals the night before.
Very difficult living with parents and rarely cooking my own dinners and stuff, but I'll try anyways.

Laterz, loveliez.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Water and reading [and Day Six].

I need to start drinking more water again.
I finally drank >8 cups today and I feel good. :D
And you know it's a good day when you go to bed the same weight or lower than when you woke up...

DAY SIX: Have you ever been underweight or overweight?
Underweight -no. Overweight -yes, for all of my life pretty much. As of lately I've been hovering around the weight that determines whether or not I'm overweight... and it's kind of annoying.

Tired. SRSLY.
Laterz, loveliez.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Catz and clownz [and Days Four and Five].

I was kind of a cat for Halloween yesterday.
I say kind of because all I had to make myself into a cat was a black sweatshirt and black makeup...
Failcat, but one little girl got really excited that I was "dressed up".
I was helping pass out candy at Beth's.
Axel and Scott were being douches for pretty much the whole time.
And today I gave Scott and Beth a ride to Scott's house and they found a Milky Way in my backseat -that either Scott or Axel left back there yesterday- and they took it when they got out and then Scott threw it at my windshield.
He's annoying and I want to punch him... in the face.

Anyways, I'm tired as fuck because I've woken up at 5:30 the past 3 days -INCLUDING FUCKING SUNDAY- and haven't been going to sleep since > 10:00.

DAY FOUR: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Um, no. I don't. Occasionally I'll "work out", but I don't daily or even weekly really... I'm lazy as fuck.

DAY FIVE: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Meh, yes and no. There's things I want to have lost some weight for, but there's nothing big coming up in my life right now I guess. Plus, I've never made a goal I set for myself, so I'm trying to just sort of 'wing it' now.

I haven't eaten chips in 5 days, so Week One is a success so far. It's especially nice because chips were my total binge food just last week...

Laterz, loveliez.