(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Blogger can bite it.

I dunno where the phrase 'bite it' comes from.
It's not some American thing -for those not in the U.S-, or a Northern thing -for those in the South-, and it's not a Minnesota thing -for those in the North, but not exactly here.
Yeah, I've posted where I'm from before, but I always do just the.... letters. What's that called?
MN, WI.... IO?
Mhm. I'm Minnesotan.
Hick, red-neck, mud-duck, wangster...?
Yeahhuh, it's called POP. Not soda or coke...
Also, I don't sound Canadian. This is the twin cities, not Fargo.
LOLjk, I'm not in the twin cities...
Why the shit am I talking about this?
We were talking about it last night, and making people say words.
Like toast, about, boom, room, pillow, boat, tubing...
I don't have an accent. You do. ;)
Seriously though. I don't.

Anyways, I'm not not -double negative, yeahbuddy- commenting on blogs because I'm gone, being a bad blogger/follower/friend, or just because I've gone totally down the drain.
I seriously can't.
This other e-mail I have somehow got connected to my blog and whenever I try to comment on anybody's shit it says that that e-mail isn't allowed to.
I log in with the e-mail I always use but it just doesn't work.
So if you ever get a comment from an anonymous and it's signed --Jessie, then yeah; that's me.

Fucking cricket in my basement.

I'm also going to be doing some major tweaking this week, just so you guys know.
My week... Too much is going on. I have a love/hate relationship with having plans.
I love it because it makes me feel good and like I actually have a life, but I hate the anxiety that comes with all of it.
I'm a huge bundle of raw nerves when I'm alone. I'm good at masking it, but oh em jay.
Monday(tomorrow) - Behind the Wheel and "Back To School Shopping". Fuck off.
Tuesday - Open House at school... UGH. Excited but not.
Wednesday - 16th Birthday... Who gives a flying fuck...
Thursday - Road test. KILL ME NOW IF I FAIL. And first football game of the year... And only I don't have to be in band for. TOO FAT FOR PUBLIC.
Friday - Labor Day -not Memorial, right? I always get those confused...- Weekend over East, last weekend before school starts....
Saturday, Sunday, Monday - Over East, then coming home.
I don't want to start this over again. This seemingly never-ending cycyle of leaving and returning, learning and sitting, being quiet and trying, passing and failing...

On the plus side, Addicted is on right now. It's pretty entertaining.

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Periods and hunger.

I haven't had my period in more than two months.
Should I have put a TMI alert on that?
I'm only mildly freaked out; like, not enough to tell my mom, but enough to talk to Beth about it.
She said that it happened to her and one of her other friends, only they didn't have theirs for at least a month or two longer, and they went to doctors and apparently it's "normal".
So, I'm only paranoid that it's not just some normal fucked up cycle -since my cycle has always been super fucked up anyways-, because it's me.
I've looked it up -Google, FTW- and there's all this scary shit and tweaking, more than likely pregnant teenagers.
Causes I've noticed and could possibly link to myself are stress and rapid weight loss/gain.
I've been basically gaining and losing the same ~10lbs for a few months.
Uh, what's the appropriate amount of time to push off telling my mom? I don't want to tell her...
Say whatever that this isn't my fault, but that's still fucking embarassing.
I don't know how it is, it just is to me.

Agh, anyways...
I'm super fucking hungry right now.
Shitshitshitfuckfuckfuck... dick.
I messed something up while I was reading everybody's shtuff -yeah, caught up on, like, a week of posts...
So I couldn't comment.
I'm too much of a lazyfatbitchass to go back and all that.
I'm sorry.
Sososo sorry.

Thanks for some of the comments on my last posts, Don't_Judge_Me, Cinnamon Brown, and Annie...
I don't know if I feel better. I mean, it's night time, and it's hard to "look on the bright side" when the sun isn't even up to help me find a "bright side".

There's a show on right now about a girl who lives on Michigan Island or something by herself...
I could do that. I'd just have to get electricity and Internet.
Then I'd be set.

Um, so, yeah.
That's it.
Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Nerves and August.

I can't be not nervous (double negative, mhm).It's really bad lately.
Like, maybe it's only because it's August.
What is it about August?
Let's make this shweet, pro-looking, hm?
  • I have another Behind the Wheel on the 29th
  • My birthday is on the 31st
  • My road test is on the 1st of September
  • Open house is on the 2nd
  • The first football game is on the 2nd too, I think.
  • School starts the 6th
  • There's so much bullshit with my friends right now, but I absolutely CAN'T do fuck about it
All of these nerves can pretty much be connected to my so-called "eating disorder", or lack thereof.
Is thereof one word?
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to fucking CARE.
Why does it have to be me? Us? Why this group of people?
Okay, maybe I understand it for me, because I'm the shittiest kind of person, but really?
This. Is. Bullshit.

I hate ranting on here.

Know what? I have some small feeling that somebody might comment and want to say that I'm not a failure and all that, but I have proof to it.
On the other hand, I know nobody's going to try and make me feel better. NOBODY. GIVES. A. DAMN.
There's so much fucking hatred in these words.

People who have been following me since, well, the beginning know that I struggled to get out of the 160s for quite a while.
Everybody else knows that I just don't post my weight.
Well, fuck it, here's the proof to my failure:
I still weigh ~158.
Yeah, and this is where my nerves come from.

This was supposed to be a losing summer, but I completely disregarded every single goal I set for myself.
...Maybe disregarded is the wrong word, but whatever.

Also, I really fucking hate it when people spell shit wrong on Facebook, like, MULTIPLE times.
It's FOLLOW, with two Os, dumb bitch.
Fallow? What the Hell? Blame it on our "accents", but fucking still.
Don't be so ignorant, especially since you want to become a writer.
Pft, as if you're drug-addicted ass is getting anywhere.


Laterz, loveliez.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Dreams and nightmares.

It really sucks dreaming/having nightmares about a thing you don't believe exists.
It's so hard to wake up from that and realize it's never going to happen.
I fucking hate it.
Why is my head doing this? I don't want THAT. I'm terrified of THAT.
THAT isn't fucking REAL.

Please, just let me stop dreaming. It shouldn't hurt like this, or at all.

I'm losing my new "group of friends". The four of us.
I can't keep the secret. Somebody has to tell; I won't, but I want to.
He's not even truly my friend, but he has to fucking know.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You two did it and it's going to affect me.

I'm so fucking selfish...

Oh, BTW, I was on vacation last week. If you noticed that I wasn't here anyways.

Laterz, loveliez.

Thanks everybody for the comments. With this whole "teenage angst" think I've got going on, you guys make me feel... young.
Really though, I love all of you, and sometimes you're the only think that makes me feel OK.

P.P.S. (It is two Ps, right?)
My birthday is coming up. 22 days + 1 hour + 45 minutes and I... will be able to get my license.

Okay, lol, fuck. I just thought I should clarify that the cheating thing with my friends has nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything, which is why I'm selfish for being upset. The three of them are the ones that are going to get hurt when it all gets out... Actually, only one of them will be getting hurt then, because it was the other two.
Our "tight little group" shall be no more soon.