(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Nightlock and Wicked.

I haven't been upset about my weight in a while.
Or, like, I mean... I'm always kind of upset about it, but tonight... I don't know.
There was something about this four-pound-in-one-day kind of gain that just made me so fucking upset.
I don't want to say sad and I don't want to say pissed, because that's not really it.
I'm just... not happy.
No, more than that.
I'm fucking UPSET.
I don't know if that word means the same to me as it does to any of you. Someone out there probably understands though. That feeling that's not sadness or anger or frustration, but a complicated mixture of all of them; an emotion that can't be pinpointed as being more or less of one or another.
But at the same time I don't feel like I'm feeling anything at all.
At least right now, which is a while since I was downstairs and weighing myself.
I could be around a whole pound lighter by now. Three instead of four, because I pissed when I came upstairs and I have to pee now again...
Just I worked hard this weekend, to be able to start on Monday with a lower weight to be able to fucking destroy myself this week.
Destroy in a good way, of course.
But then I eat two graham cracker sheets (that's what the serving size thing called them, I think) with frosting and a potato rectangle thing and ruin my whole day.
(Did that an hour or two before I weighed.)

I've been around the same weight for more than a year. Much more than a year, I think.
Not a year and a half though I think... maybe close.
I am the definition and should be the poster child for complete and utter failure.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Her fingers tighten around the cold steering wheel, her very light, almost colorless, green eyes sweeping over and surveying the road in front of her, though she isn't really seeing anything.  The drive home is routine, and she sometimes thinks she could do it with her eyes closed, but she's too scared to ever try.  Her gaze diverges from the scenery in front of her to the green LCD numbers on her radio --no worries, she's early for Weekend Night Curfew-- and then to the gas gauge.  Her lips purse slightly at the sight of the meter leaning too far towards the first line above empty for her liking, but she looks back at the road and remembers that she didn't ask her parents for gas this week and so they shouldn't have a problem with buying some for her soon.  They never really have a problem with it, or they don't say they do, but she's always worried about being in trouble and messing up, even when her relatives are involved.
The thought of gas and her parents seems to spur on a whole train of thought; it's like her brain is defrosting along with the rest of her body and car, all thanks to the heat she cranked up the second she got in the car, even though it only blew cold air for a long while.  She flicks her finger up, turns on her blinker, presses her foot lightly on the brake, and takes the turn that will bring her to the road before the road before the road that she lives on.   She starts to ponder all that has happened in the past twenty-four hours.  She feels mean, this has not been one of her better weeks.  The friends she normally loves have only annoyed her, and the friends that normally irritate her have come to be her favorites.  It doesn't matter who her favorites are in her head though, all that matters is their opinions.
They're getting sick of her.  The whole lot of them, the 'group' as they all so often refer to themselves.  Especially after the past seven or more or less days.  She can't be at all sure though if her perception of the time is real or not, because she seems to see an askew version of things, and she takes things harder or softer than others.  It's never right.
Two of her 'best friends', as they often refer to themselves as and she does sometimes when she's feeling in the mood for affection or she's worried about how they will feel if she doesn't use the term, have started to date.  She does not approve, whatsoever at all entirely.  She tells, half yells, at the girl over text.  Saying that she's going to ruin the boy, that it's not fair of her or for her to do something 'only for his happiness', but now that she drives home by herself and her head is free to roam she wonders why she is so opposed.  She made the boy cry on the bus that morning, not on purpose; no, never would she do that to someone.  He does not understand, he listens but he does not hear what she is saying.  That is the start of her feeling mean.
As the day fades into night and a field trip fades into a basketball game, she talks to the girl again.  She tries to force her to see that this relationship is doing absolutely positively one hundred percent no good for anyone.  She changes her points in this conversation, flips it around so everything is not benefiting the girlfriend and hurting her, instead of the other way she had posed it for the boyfriend.  She does see what she says, but she is not sure the girl hears either.
Later, at a movie night afterwards, a boy she has told to ask her other friend to prom comes back with flowers and some random girl pulls up the projector that covers the whiteboard.  The girl he is asking is overjoyed, it is so obvious that her statements of not wanting to go to prom at all were false.  She had known that before anyways, was sure that the only reason she didn't want to go to prom was because she wasn't going.  She was happy for the girl and boy, all smiles and teeth and shouts of "GET SOME BABY", but now she frowns.
The boyfriend and girlfriend fought in the lunchroom, and she sits and watches and listens and commentates the whole thing while finishing a bag of Hersheys Cookie Drops and sipping on Sunny D with her friend and the boyfriend's best friend.  He tells her of his plan to ask a girl to prom, and to ask her out.  She sees that he is stressed, she says he does not have to do both at once.  He can ask her to prom now, and to be his girlfriend later, and she reminds him of this fact because she does not want her to say no and him to be hurt.  That is what she thinkshopesprays the reason is, at least.
The boyfriend and girlfriend are still together when she decides she wants to leave and calls to the girlfriend.  She asks about the status of the relationship on the way to the car, leaving the boyfriend sad and inside the building, after his failed attempt at being chivalrous and listening to what his girlfriend tried to tell him to change about himself.  The fact that they have not broken up angers and saddens her for reasons she does not wish to pursue.  In the car on the way to the still-girlfriend's house, she continues to point out every flaw in the relationship that she should not be a part in or care about at all.
Why does she care so much? It has nothing to do with jealousy, she knows that much.  The boyfriend has been making her so beyond annoyed all week that she has blatantly refused to even talk to him and look at him until today.  What is wrong with her?  She acts like all she wants is others' happiness, but then she finds a way to sabotage it.
Love makes her sick, relationships make her mad.  Some would say it is because of the lack of both in her life, but it is something she chooses.  There are boys she thinks would be interested in one or both with her, but she says no.

Slamming her foot on the brake, she locks her elbows to keep her arms straight and flings her head to the side.  False alarm, that's not the road she wants.  It's the next one, not far off.  She presses the gas hard to get there faster, because all she wants is to be home.  She wants to cry, even if she's not entirely sure why, but she can't in her car.  If her family is awake at home, they can't see it.  She never wants anyone to see her tears.  They are weakness and wrong, just like she is.  But if she keeps it inside, nobody ever has to know.
The second to last road is short, and the road she lives on is even shorter.  She goes twenty over the posted speed limit without caring, because all she craves is her bed and sleep and a break from her own head.
She is often overly emotional about stupid stuff like this.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Xbox and college.

So, I took the PSAT at the beginning of the school year.
Dunno if I mentioned that...
But yeah, I got... a 180 I think? Not sure, don't remember, something like that I think though...
Kind of high; not high enough for my picky standards I guess, but high enough for people to be jealous.
I say it's only because I'm in a higher math and therefore have a whole year, sometimes two, ahead of them.
They agree because I'm mediocre and better than nobody at absolutely nothing.

Anyways, I've started getting mail from colleges.
I think liberal arts sounds nice... Something small. Something with writing, not a lot of people, somewhere I can be alone would be cool.
I don't know. :P

I'm thinking about playing Xbox... Just Dance is waaayyy better with Kinect.

Might go see that new Danielle Radcliffe movie on Friday, but that's the release date so I dunno if it's such a good idea.


Monday, January 16, 2012

Birthdays and HP.

It was Mickey's birthday on Friday.
She had a party, and it was a mild disaster.
It ended okay, I would say.
But I think I've just been having a kind of bad time lately.
Like, there's someone that's walking around my life, dropping bits of explosives, forcing me to run before they detonate or stay and fight.
That someone is always me, of course.
I fight, but I run. It's confusing. I don't know what I'm doing.
The future is forever in my face. I'm terrified. God, it's so black.

I finally watched the final Harry Potter.
It's done now. And I'm sad, because it was a large part of my childhood.
It's a love I've had forever but haven't divulged in in a long time... and now it's done.

I feel like an emotional wreck.
Everybody uses me.
Only Jean really likes me.
I want to go back, back to any time but now.


Monday, January 2, 2012

Prom and Hunger Games.

Hey there.
It's been a while.
One of my things I wanted to do this new year was post everyday, but I've obviously already messed that up.
It's okay. Just because it's 2012 now doesn't mean I have to change so drastically. I can take it slowly.
I remember I used to love blogging. I loved getting on and just writing about nothing; I didn't care if I got comments or if I was gaining/losing followers.
Things have changed, I guess. I see Blogger now, sometimes, as a huge popularity thing.
And I just don't have the right personality to be 'at the top'.
I just have to stop giving so many fucks. 
I want to be more carefree, more self-sufficient, less worried and anxious.
These are mere hopes, though. I don't really expect to be all calmed down this year; if anything, I might be even more nervous as this year goes on. 
The end of junior year, summer, senior year
It's going to be hard. I know it is. 
There will be good times though, I know that much. And that's what I can look forward to, when I suddenly get freaked out because life is moving too fast and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING and not doing anything right and I'm going to end up sad and alone because I can't stand the thought of sharing myself and my everything with another forever.
It will always get better.
I ramble that off to so many people, and I have to keep it in mind for myself.
It WILL always get BETTER. Even when I'm at rock bottom, I can only go up, right?
...I watched Bridesmaids last week... it stuck. ;)

Anyways, there's some things that have... happened since I last wrote a legit post, that I guess I'd like to document.
  • I was asked to prom, and I said yes
  • I was asked out by the same guy via Red Bull can... and said no
  • I realized it had just happened again -I'd 'fallen' for someone momentarily, only to realize I really could hardly stand them at all
  • I found out, with the help of Beth, how much of a needy and whiny ass he really is
  • I also found out that Christine likes him, and I joked that I would set them up
  • I figured out that she actually wants me to -fucking bitch... what? I'm rude...- and stuff, and I figured out that I really didn't want to
  • I got Beth to tell the dude that I didn't want to go to prom with him, that he should ask out Christine and go with her, and that it had nothing to do with him -my not wanting to go
  • He acted like a whiny stupid fucking BITCH
  • I notice now that this all has to do with boys... Euw
  • I got a laptop for Christmas. FUUUCKKK YEEAAAHHHH
  • I decided that I want all black hair for a while to let my stupid and self-cut layers/bangs grow out, and am now impatiently waiting for January to be nearly over so I can dye it
  • I hit a very low point, and also a very high point, over Christmas Break
  • I tweaked out because I think everybody hates me and is only using me to get something, and everybody is secretly plotting behind my back
  • I took those online tests that are supposed to be "just for fun" and give diagnoses for, like, depression and stuff
  • I received results from two tests that said I was Bipolar
  • I giggled on the outside but nodded on the inside, even though I know I'm just an insufficient twat that wishes she could take all her invisible problems and give reason to them
  • I noticed that everybody -including my own fucking mother who should've grown the shit up by now- is an attention whore
  • I started to wonder if maybe I'm stupid for hating anybody that looks for attention
  • I know that I look for it sometimes, and I think maybe I should start getting pissed at myself, rather than everybody else, because it's not my fucking problem what they do with themselves
  • I noticed just now that these bullet points are hardly different than how I usually write
  • I decide I still would like to keep them
  • I get tired of writing in this weird format
  • I have a two-hour late start tomorrow and I'm terrified
  • I think I gained around 6 pounds over break
  • I hope I don't fuck up tomorrow
  • I want to start keeping track of my weight on here, no matter how embarassed I am
  • I really want to start posting everyday again
  • Maybe I could start commenting too...
  • I know it doesn't really matter to anyone but me what I'm doing

Also, I read Hunger Games yesterday, all at once.
Finished the first book in ~5 or 6 hours, around 9/10 but closer to 10:00, to about 2:50.
I lied about finishing it all to my brother to not seem like such a freak, even though we're so very alike with this fondness for reading, but I'm going to ask for the second one tomorrow...
I love Hunger Games.