(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Nightlock and Wicked.

I haven't been upset about my weight in a while.
Or, like, I mean... I'm always kind of upset about it, but tonight... I don't know.
There was something about this four-pound-in-one-day kind of gain that just made me so fucking upset.
I don't want to say sad and I don't want to say pissed, because that's not really it.
I'm just... not happy.
No, more than that.
I'm fucking UPSET.
I don't know if that word means the same to me as it does to any of you. Someone out there probably understands though. That feeling that's not sadness or anger or frustration, but a complicated mixture of all of them; an emotion that can't be pinpointed as being more or less of one or another.
But at the same time I don't feel like I'm feeling anything at all.
At least right now, which is a while since I was downstairs and weighing myself.
I could be around a whole pound lighter by now. Three instead of four, because I pissed when I came upstairs and I have to pee now again...
Just I worked hard this weekend, to be able to start on Monday with a lower weight to be able to fucking destroy myself this week.
Destroy in a good way, of course.
But then I eat two graham cracker sheets (that's what the serving size thing called them, I think) with frosting and a potato rectangle thing and ruin my whole day.
(Did that an hour or two before I weighed.)

I've been around the same weight for more than a year. Much more than a year, I think.
Not a year and a half though I think... maybe close.
I am the definition and should be the poster child for complete and utter failure.


1 comment:

  1. 4lbs per day thing is just SO discouraging. i once gained 10lbs in one day and wanted to seriously hang myself. who gains 10LBS IN ONE DAY?!
    i think it's that numb emotion where you don't feel anything but at the same time if you dwell on it, you feel that heaviness in your chest and throat? the type that makes you want to lie awake in bed all day? i'm unsure. i'm rarely ever upset and when i am, it does hit a bit hard, but it disappears.
    i've been the same weight since May. that sucks bull ass. well, in May last year, to be thankful, i was 157lbs. now i'm 152.2, but i'll just jump right back up to 157 in days after i hit 150. ITS ALWAYS THE SAME FUCK.
    but we still haven't given up now, have we?
    <3 that's what sets us apart!
    -Sam Lupin