(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 5 & 6 and weight.

I'm failing at life;
In basically every way, shape, and form.
...I wish it was summer.
I want Warped Tour, and sun, and WI, and hakuna matata.

DAY 5: What's in my bag/purse?
Huh, this one's a little weird?
...I don't have a bag really, or a purse.
My backpack is empty, and my other, little bag only has another bag in it with my fox tail/ears in it; safe-keeping. xD
The only thing I have to have on me at all times is my phone, and that fits in my pocket.

DAY 6: My favorite book.
Hate all of these choices. Raewr.
  1. Perfect - Natasha Friend
  2. The Best Little Girl in the World - Steven Levenkron
  3. Fat Kid Saves the World - K.L. Going
  4. Dunk - David Lubar
  5. Sleeping Freshman Never Lie - David Lubar
  6. The Luckiest Girl in the World - Steven Levenkron
  7. The Host - Stephenie Meyer (No bitching about Stephenie Meyer until you've read this one, she's NOT a bad author)
  8. Cut - Patricia McCormick
Can't think of anymore... Blech.

Laterz, loveliez.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day(s) 2, 3 & 4 and Chris.

[Chris] :)
Apr 23, 2011 12:08 AM
Can I tell you something but you probably already know?

I like you :)
ha. oh really? i couldn't tell. ;)
Really? Bet its sarcasm
lol. it was sarcasm.
Apr 23, 2011 12:30 AM
Yeah, but I only like [name of person I don't really know that he brought to my house, whom I thought he liked] as a friend. I like you Alot :)
oh, did you tell her that? aw. :) i like you too.

Apr 23, 2011 6:05 PM
What you doing tonight?
idk, why?
Wanna Hangout?
if i can, yeah. what would we do?
Idk watch movie or something
okay, where?
Idk lol your house if you want. I can bring paranormal activity 2 or something
okay, that would be fine. :) im still at [Ann]'s though, so it might be a little while..
Ok just tell when you can
Apr 23, 2011 6:56 PM
Apr 23, 2011 7:36 PM
would you mind if [Deli] hung out with us? :)
Not if you don't

[Deli] :)
Apr 23, 2011 7:23 PM
ha. do you want to hang out when i get home? [Chris] was going to come over and we were going to watch a movie.
Are you sure you want me to intrude in that?
shut up, yeah. :P
Hahaa, okay(: tell me when you get back & i'll head over?

[Chris] :)
Apr 23, 2011 8:00 PM
Ok lol
you can come whenever.

[Deli] :)
Apr 23, 2011 11:19 PM
he keeps touching me.
Haa, I see thatt.
yeah, not a fan.
You don't look like you are, hahaa.
yeah, how do people stand that?!
Idkk, I'm used to constant people trying to touch me. Ooh, that sounded bad, not that wayy. Hahaa.
yeah, people touch me sometimes too, but that's different. like, shit.
Haa, yeah. People get annoying.
only some people...
Yeahh, pretty much.

I'm feeling sort of shitty and confused right now.

Anyways, I am determined not to fail the 30 Day Blog Challenge that I started on Thursday, so I'm piling Friday, Saturday and Sunday -today- into this post.
So yeah, it's only going to get longer.

Day 2: My favorite song.
I have too many. Fuck.

Day 3: A recent photo and a photo from 10 yearsmonths ago.
Pretty sure I don't have a picture of me when I was five on my computer...


May 16, 2010 -I think.
So I'm changing that to ten months ago, instead. :P


Day 4: My favorite movie
I can't pick only one of anything... Dammit.
  1. The Dark Knight
  2. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
  3. Paul Blart: Mall Cop
  4. The Ring (1 & 2)
  5. Drag Me To Hell
  6. The Orphan
  7. School of Rock
  8. Jennifer's Body
  9. Stepbrothers
  10. The Hangover
  11. Epic Movie
  12. HP 1-6 (Haven't watched 7.1 yet! !@#$%^&* My priorities are out of order)
Can't think of anymore...

'Kay, going to make another page for What I Want To Do Sometime In Life...
It's going to be sort of like a bucket list, but not exactly.

Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Blog Challenge.

30 Day Blog Challenge.
Yay, a new 30-day thing.
The last one I tried and failed was too FaceBook orientated.
This one will be better.

Day 1: 15 Facts About Me.
  1. I like all colors, but my favorite might be purple.
  2. I wish I lived in a different time, or a different place.
  3. I love The Dark Knight, and have posters of Heath Ledger as The Joker decorating my room. People say he's scary, but I'm in love. < 3
  4. I'm very self-conscious. (Duh)
  5. When I grow up, I either want to be a writer of some sort, a cosmetologist/hair stylist, a veterinarian or something dealing with animals, or something that will make me successful and famous. (-Insert fluttery eyes and sigh here.-)
  6. Right now, I'm craving sweets. :/
  7. My natural hair color is blonde, and it is blonde right now, and I think I want it dark...
  8. I don't like labels.
  9. I'm a hypocrite.
  10. I get annoyed easily.
  11. I don't think I have a "best friend".
  12. I don't believe in love; love terrifies me; nobody else can love me until I love myself. (As if that will ever happen.)
  13. I like weird clothing, things that have a message, or are completely pointless. If I was thinner, more people would see that.
  14. I compare myself to others obsessively.
  15. When someone bothers me, I obsessively trash them. Yeah, buddy, I can talk shit like no other.

Laterz, loveliez.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Caution: Too much. Don't read. [x2]

I keep on fucking things up.
I want to go outside.
...No, I want to sleep.
Fuck, no, outside.  A walk.  A long walk, where I can think, and my thoughts won't be reverberated back to me, bouncing off of my loud colored, memory-splattered walls.  A walk in the opening, where it's not chilly, and I can look up and seefeelenjoy the sun and the rays and the light and the clouds and the big, blue, open, impending, never-ending sky.  I want to find something, something interesting, that will have others interested, that will keep my friends, and Chris and the friends I wish I had and the people I text and the people I love and the people I'm afraid to love and the everybody else that I don't mind much, interested and wanting to hear every sentence and breath and pause and thought-that-travels-down-to-the-mouth, so they can imagine they were there; next to me, with me, walkin' right along beside me, leaning on me while I secretly clutch to their hands for dear life, and we have a good time making inside jokes and jokes that aren't really funny and stories to tell forever and never because they will only annoy and cause jealousy for the people that weren't there.  It would be fun and grand and horrible at the same time, because I would get my hopes up and I would think that 'everyday should be just like this' but that's not exactly how it works because everyday just has to be different because the flow we are all supposed to be following and not swimming against changes every second and we just.can't.stop.it, so the next day or later I will be disappointed that the walk is gone and so is the person and I am all alone again, and I can't just go back in time and start it all over again.  Then, even later, this shitty-always-and-occasionally-nice climate I live in will find disaster in my hoping and seeingfeelingenjoying and will call in the fat, gray, thunderhead, it looks like rain clouds; the sun will be covered, the rays have to try harder to push and push and push through the ugly, drab coverage, and the entire time the Minnesota-esque climate will be giggling, snickering, and whispering negativites and you-can't-do-it-so-just-stop-trying, so they do stop after a while.  And it gets cold.  I can't go outside, because I do not like colds and jackets that make me look bulky and like a boy and I only have a boy's coat and I don't want people to think I'm weird anymore, so all the hopes for another day like that one day with that person and that walk and that hope just disappears.  I turn to other things for comfort, and it probably becomes what the thousands and millions and exceedingly-large-number-of professionals would call emotional eating, even though I don't seefeelenjoyTHINK while I'm doing it.  And then I hate it, and I hate myself, and I can't keep a conversation going, and I blame it on everybody else, because I can't put my own blame into words, and I turn to outlets that don't return the hope and love that I'm looking for, which is my own fault anyways because I'm not giving them the hope and love that they're looking for.  Soon everything is a big cul-de-sac and I'm confused while I walk in it, not quite sure how I got there and just as unsure as how the Hell I'm supposed to get out, so I just guess and keep on truckin' and I don't think anything's wrong because nothing IS wrong but at the same time I know all these things but I can't say them ANYWHERE because I can't call attention to the fact that I want attention because that will only make me into one of the things that I complain about on a maybe-more-/-maybe-less-than daily basis.
And all I want is a walk with sunlight and rays and warmth and a place to get rid of all of these long sentences.


Laterz, loveliez.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Don't read.

The only reason I didn't cut today is because I can't find the razor I took from my dad's work...
And I trashed all my other ones, I don't even remember when.

Fuck, guys, seriously, I don't know what's wrong.
I don't like this, I don't like that I can't do what I want to do because I can't let people find out.
Nobody can know, they'll think bad things.
They'll talk, talk about me.

Lesson learned today?
Cut is triggering.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I don't fucking know.

By ^that^ title, you probably think I'm in a bad mood.
Not really.
It's not horrible, or really bad, sort of.
I'm just pretty fucking tired... actually, I just want to sleep, I'm not exactly tired in the literal meaning of the word, but more just the tired that implies laying down, not doing anything, sleeping, and not thinking; and, like, I could stay up, for a long time, if I really wanted to/felt like it.
Streaming, screaming subconcious.
Wait, no, fuck; it's my concious isn't it?
...There's another s in conscious, I think.
I don't care.

'Kay, so, I've just been chillin' and thinkin'.
Like, for the past little while.
Today wasn't bad. I think I ate too much.
1022 calories, about-ish.
And I went for a walk with mi madre, which apparently burned ninety-seven calories.
...Now I'm getting actually, literally tired.
I told my scale to fuck off today, as if it is the reason I got pissed off.
This is all sounding monotone-like in my head, just-so-you-know.

One of my bottom teeth is fucking crooked, like sideways feeling.
I hate retainers.
I hate my teeth.
Not really, my top ones are okay, and those are the only ones that people ever see anyways, and people say they're pretty white...
Jean wants to be an orthodontist, and she's never complained about my teeth -to my face, at least- and she hates messed up teeth with a passion.
She has a "built-in" retainer. I'm fucking lime green Jell-O about it.

This is getting long.
AH, I'm sorry.

Nobody ask why I've been talking/feeling so love-y, mashy, total-nutters lately.
Since I've got no fucking idea anyways.

Laterz, loveliez.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Apps and EDNOS.

I've been thinking a lot lately...
Like, I mean, more than usually.
I think I sort of might actually, maybe, have a, y'know, ...
Eating disorder?
It's, like, I don't want to fucking write it.
I don't want you guys, my gorgeous fucking followers, to read this and think:
"What the shit? Attention-whore much?"
It's like when I say I'm feeling "depressed", 'cause I know I'm not actually depressed.
People in the world are actually fucking suffering, and I'm just bitching/moaning/whining.

But, fucking God, seriously?
Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
(^^That's legit, right?)
Why is that, like, scary?
I'm saying "like" too much.
I do it when I get nervous.

I got a new application on my iPhone.
Recommended by someone else, probably a few someone elses actually but yeah, so I went and bought it.
It was free actually, but you-fucking-know.
There's a website, too; and lots of you probably actually already have this, or have heard of it, or something, I guess...
It's My Fitness Pal, and I've only had it for a day and already like it.
Especially because I didn't count calories today, so I just pushed some buttons -tapped a screen really- and voila.

Chris texted me twice today, and I didn't reply. :/
He's also super all-for giving me rides home after school, if I don't want to stay after or don't have a ride and stayed after anyways.
... < 3
'Kay, done.
I should start blogging every day again, so I don't have these bullshit-long posts every once in a while.

Also, dunno if I mentioned this, but I *think* I was nominated for an award?
It was a long time ago, but yeah;
It was Nikki and she's awesome and I love reading her blog. < 3
(And she said I was adorable, which I totally love. ^^ )
If this award thing is legit -I've been saying that way too much lately...- than I'll have to get around to it.
Like, fuck, I'm so procrastinative.
Is that a word?
...It is now.

Laterz, loveliez.

Chris just texted me for the third time, in only two hours or something?
Okay, this might not be good...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Absences and boredom...

...of epick proportions.
Dunno what to write, dunno what to say, dunno what to do.
I think I'll put a playlist on here...
My music got insulted yesterday.
"As if your taste in music is so superior."

Hm. Hmhmhm.
Say Anything. < 3

Euw. I feel icky.
I think I'm getting sick.
Which basically means, I'm going to lose my voice.

Yesterday, I had friends over.
Should I name them all? Fuckin' shit, I guess.
Deli, Jean -she came later-, Axel, Scott, Beth, Chris -my ex-, Ruby, Juice -don't ask xD-...
Is that it? I think so, yeah.
It was fun, but Deli and fucking Beth were getting so ANNOYING.
Chris and I maybe would've had a thing, but not anymore.
Whenever we would even fucking TALK, or SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, they made A HUGE FUCKING DEAL.
God, I didn't even want to be around him if I had to listen to them.
Then Chris tackled me, lost one of my cow earrings -MY NEW FUCKING FAVORITE-, and I -in his eyes- probably "overreacted" and said I was pissed off and was going to cry in the woods and blahblahblah.
A few people helped me look, but it's still gone.
I'm sort of pissed, but y'know.
Him and Axel said they would look online and buy me new ones. < 3
I love Axel, he's, like, fucking adorable.
He's little -which makes me jealous >_> - and just awesome.
Except when we're texting and he suddenly gets all serious and it freaks me out.
Yeah, best friend right there, or at least major great acquaintance.

Rawr. This is going to be too long.
Chicago was fun.
I promised myself, and a few others, that I wouldn't steal anything;
I stole a lot.
Way more than I bought.
The earrings were stolen actually, Ruby said it was karma.
Fuck that.
I thought I lost the hat I stole, but I found it yesterday. So, fuck that karma bullshit.
...I want that earring.
I need to get over it. xD

Oh, well, so, Ruby and Juice, and Beth and Scott are going out.
I told them they were being fucking buzz kills, since all of them ended up cuddling in my basement.
Not all of them, like, all four of them together, like Ruby and Juice were on the couch, and Beth and Scott were in a chair. xD
Apparently they are only happy since they're in a relationship, because I think either Beth or Scott said something along the lines of "At least we're happy!" when I mock-complained about their buzz killing-ness.
That started another one of my tirades about crawling in a corner and crying/dying.
Axel said he wanted to watch. xD
That sounds mean, but I found it super hilarious?
I don't fucking know.
I spilled Mountain Dew, like, two times.
One time into the bag of Vanilla Wafers.
They got soggy and blue. D:
Gross. :/
What the Hell else do I want to say?
I don't know.
I know Beth's going to ask me about Chris at school on Monday, and I'm just going to tell her to fuck off, nothing's going to fucking happen, and she should just lay off.
Relationships don't make people happy.
Whoever believes they need somebody else is a fucking dumbass.
If you're happiness relies that much on a significant other, you're going to be pretty unhappy a lot.

Boyfriends/girlfriends are a load of horse shit anyways.
Who the shit gives a fuck?