(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Craziness and intense worrying.

So since my posts got deleted, I guess I should repeat that I lost my fucking virginity.
We didn't use protection, he didn't finish, but I'm tweaking so hard right now that it's not even funny.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
Don't judge me, please, but I was looking up stuff about abortion, even though I don't think I could ever do it.
I'm just crazy scared.
I only get this worried at night. During the day I'm okay, but then at night I just start thinking and worrying and ugh.
I wish I could talk to the guy about it, but. i feel like I can't --or shouldn't, I guess. I don't want to bother him on his break and I don't want to talk to anyone really.
I'm so conflicted.
I want someone to convince me that I'm fine, that I'm not pregnant and it's okay, but I don't want to talk to anyone about how worried I am.
I can't believe I made this fucking mistake.
I should've said no. I should've told him to get a condom. I should've done ANYTHING but what I did.
I don't regret it though, which is the most fucked up part.
Or I guess I do regret it, but only if the worst happened and I am knocked the fuck up.
I hate being so scared. I feel so alone.

What do I do? God...
I'm going on the 6th to get birth control.
Yeah, just a little late... FUCK.
Um. I don't think my period is late though.
I'm so shit at keeping track though. I know I had it the weekend I was home for Thanksgiving, but I can't remember for sure what day it was over. It was probably like the 1st or 2nd of December though. My period is so irregular anyways though...
And being insanely stressed isn't going to make my period show up.
I just don't want to bother anyone...
There's no one up right now anyways, so I really am alone.
And if what I'm worrying about happens, I'll be more alone than ever.
It. Can't. Happen.

I want to cut so bad. And I want to stuff my face until feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to be sick. I want to get my period. I want to starve until everything is okay and I stop fucking up.
I've never fucked up like this.
I'm so irresponsible.
I wish I could cry and feel better.
I'm so sadz.
I always get unexplainable sad before my period too...
Maybe this is okay. This has to be okay.
Typing is helping, even though Imm on my phone.
I just need to breathe. I need to relax. I need to sleep...

I had a mega fucked dream last night.
But he was in it... sort of.
I wish I could see him.
I hate this shit. I hate liking people. I feel vulnerable and like he's just going to destroy me. I can't handle this. I can't do this.
He can't like me. That's crazy. I'm not cute, I'm not likable in any way other than a funny, friend kind of way...
There's something wrong with my God damn head, I thonk.
I don't have ADD. I've realized that. I just like having something I can pinpoint my problems on.
"Don't blame me, it's my ADD."
I'm such a hypocrite though.
I wanna go back to school.
16 days...
I am not going to lose any weight. I'm such a failure.
How am i going to do this for three months for summer.
Being home is bad for me.
I want to be out of here.

I could keep going forever.
It's okay. If it helps, it's okay.

I'm also worried my lip piercings might be infected. Just one of them I think though, so I need to cut back hard on smoking and stop moving it with my tongue so much. I only push it when I can feel that there's crusties on it and it's bothering me, or if I'm trying to eat and they get in my way, but I need to be more careful.
I should stop eating too.
I could also be over leaning it, which would be because of the smoking.
I can cut back, it won't be for very long. I just need to keep calm.
Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.
Ahhh, I'm tired.
Sleep will help me.
I'll be better tomorrow.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Engagements and grandmothers.

I'm going to hang out with Bethany today.
Scott asked her to marry him on Tuesday, I think.
I'm going to be the maid of honor.
...What do maids of honor do?
My mom told me she would pay for my dress just so she could see me in one.
I'm excited for them. They're young, but they have the potential to make it work.

I need my grandma to go home so I can weigh myself.

I had a dream about school last night. It was beyond fucked up.
I hope I forget it soon.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Deletion and life.

Accidentally deleted some of my posts.
All I've eaten today is chocolate and I don't feel shitty about it.
I've been eating bad enough that I can still lose from eating this.

My grandma is still here.
I hate myself for not loving my family the way I should.

I want to go back to college. My life at college is so much better than my life here.
I want a cigarette. I can't smoke here. Ugh.

I miss everyone at school. Oh God, I didn't think college would be like this.
Only seventeen more days here.
Seventeen days to drop some weight.

I really want my period to get here. God. I'm nervous.
I need to calm down.