(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Note To You.

I'm listening to that song right now, it's by DotDotCurve. n.n
Lurrveeee itttt. :D
I'm a bit, well, pissed.
Today I fucked up, I'm trying to over-estimate how many calories...
Hm, I'll just go around 125-150.
I hadn't been trying to fast exactly, just sort of restricting.
And it wasn't even on purpose! I actually wanted to eat today, but there so many calories in everything.
Or maybe it's that my house is stocked up to feed fat people, like me.
But yeah, what really pissed me off was that I went up 2lbs today! Like, seriously?
I mean, I had all my clothes on when I weighed around an hour or so ago, but this morning I was 157.5!
My hands were shaking and I felt weak, but I was so proud.
Thought I'd proved to myself that I don't totally fail, but of course... I failed at that too.
Yeah, but I've gotten two more followers now?
And gracias Becca (gotta check to see if that was her name, apologies if I'm wrong! D: ) for the comment. n.n
Hope everything's going much better with everyone else.

Latuhhhhh. < 3456789

Monday, November 29, 2010

Guess what?

...Are you guessing?
...Well, then, I guess I'll just tell you anyways!
I've gotten to 159 today! :D
I hope that it's actually a bit lower, because I've been downing loads of water, but I won't find out until morning... :/
I'm dead-set on not eating much until I get down to around 157...
And I plan on having some sort of treat -hopefully it WON'T turn into a binge...- once I get down to around 153.
Can't believe I'm close to the first goal I've set -155. I can't remember ever being down there...
Ha, that's pretty lame. But at least I've finally got a post that's not completely, like... depressed/pissed sounding?
OH, and I think I've got five followers now?
...Oh, wait, thats German, right? I'm not taking German... Once more, then..?
Ha. Hope everything's going well with everyone, and if there's anybody that's following me that I'm not following, leave a comment and I'll definitely fix that. n.n
And lastly, thanks Kay for the comment. :] Hope you're doing good, too.
Well, I think I'm going to lay down and watch more King of the Hill and/or Family Guy, or maybe I'll sleep...

Latuhhhhh. < 3456789

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I'm freaking out right now.
I want something to eat, so badly, but I'm supposed to be fasting.
I just want something, anything. :/
I shouldn't be like this right now, I wish I could just go get something...
But I don't want to feel guilty later.
...I hate that feeling after, it's painful.
I think I'm going to get something...

All right, I feel loads better now.
I had an apple, that's all. I still broke my starting-over-fast fourteen hours in, but it was only an apple... and I walked around the island in our kitchen while I ate it.
Now I'm just going to drink water and maybe work on homework... or do a bit of writing.
Whichever comes first.

Latuhhhh. < 3456789

BTW: I want a new name for this, because what I picked when I first got it sounds... stupid?
Doubt anyone actually will but, comment with ideas or anything? Thanks.. :)

Faiilll. [x2]

All I ever write about on here is how much I fail at life.
I fail at everything, including this.
Broke a fast not even 36 hours in, kept eating aaalll day.
Estimated calories about 1,783... Jeez, that's precise.
But then I went to a friend's, so better just make that an even 2,000.
Ew. I'm fat.
But is it weird that all day I felt, like.... normal-ish? I mean, like, I definitely hinged or whatever, but I was sort of okay with that? Sort of like... like I wasn't constantly worried about my weight or how fat I was getting from eating.
Ugh, well maybe I sort of did obsess over that, I mean I dont usually keep a close tab on my cals throughout the day...
But, umm, like... UGH. Dont know how to describe it...
Or maybe I only felt all right 'cause I thought I was burning some of it off, I was standing around/walking practically all day.
Yup, I was wrong.
I've gained 2 pounds since this morning.
Don't know if that's completely accurate 'cause i've got my monthly, but idc.
All-in-all, just another normal, fail day in the life of me -a teenage girl with entirely too many flaws and too many secrets.

Latuhhhhh. < 3456789

Friday, November 26, 2010

Fuck this.

Yesterday sucked
Yup, I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving anymore.  It's, like, UGH.
Gained I think... four pounds yesterday? Yeh, somethin' like that...
And my monthly present came, so I'm in a FUCK-IT-ALL mood...
But I won't go eat, nope I won't.  I won't eat for as long as I can.
...I've just got to keep rationalizing that the reason I get put in these shitty moods is my weight and the absolute awful size I am, so eating wouldn't help me one bit.
Blahblahblah, besides food, yesterday was all right.
Didn't go shopping today, which is sort of stupid, and my dad wasn't able to get me a laptop since he got up too late and so they were sold-out when he got to WalMart. :\
I can't think of a bright side.

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Thursday, November 25, 2010


Huh, surprisingly I don't know what to say today...
Today pretty much sucked, in terms of food and stuff like that.
I didn't even weigh myself this morning, like I do every morning, and I'm scared of what I'll see when I get on the scale before I sleep...
I didn't really, like, binge much... I sort of did early in the morning, but the rest of the day was sort of okay.
I'm mostly trying not to psyche myself out, mostly because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I want to be able to act semi-sane for that. Ha. n.n
And then after that I'm going to try an After-Thanksgiving Water Fast with some girls on PT. :D
It's supposed to be ten days, but the most I've ever done is two... So I'm just going to try and go with it, and hopefully loose.
I want to be slimmer for Christmas, just reaching my first goal of 155 would be good. < 345
Ew, that number sounds so huge, but it's so hard to get there. I've been fighting to get out of the 160's for such a long time. :'(
I'm fat... and a fucking failure.
Blahblahblah, same old sob story as always. Really, if I want to be thin then I've got to do something.
I will do something, because I want this. I've never been skinny before, I was an overweight child as well, and I want to see what it's like.. even if I already know it's got to be amazing.
Hmhmhm, speaking of Thanksgiving... or bringing it up again. :x
People are coming to my house, and there's one person -mostly- that I want to just stay away.
I really don't like her. u.u
...It's weird to be admitting all of this, even on the Internet. :/

....Dun dun dun. It's the moment of truth...? xD
I'm going downstairs -UH, IT'S COLD DOWN THERE D;- to weigh myself...
-Sigh- ....................................................................................................................................................
162.5 Definitely not what I was expecting, I've lost 1 pound since yesterday? Huh, don't understand how that works, but oh well. I'm psyched my eating didn't totally fuck me over. :D
I'm still a fail, but I'll make it over this 160lb-bump after tomorrow. n.n
Well, good luck to anyone who happens to see this and is going to battle with Thanksgiving tomorrow; don't get yourselves down too badly on a holiday! :)

Latuhhhh. < 3456789

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I feel like such a failure right now, it's unbearable.
I had been doing so fine with not eating, I didn't even feel that hungry... :/
Then I left my room and just caved.
God, it was all junk food, too.
This sucks.
I don't even want to go look at the calories on the packages, I'm just going to go the easy way and say it was maybe 1,000.
Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. :(
I've never wanted to throw up before, but now I really want to... I won't do it, though.
I'll just stay away from the bathroom, everything will be fine.
I'll just keep telling myself that;
Even if I feel like every single bit of food I've ate is already settling comfortably amongst the rest of the fat on my body... Uughhh.
Oh, well... Anyways;
Today went be very slowly.  I've got school off for Thanksgiving starting tomorrow. :p
Ick, I'm freezing. It's like I haven't been able to find any warmth in a week.
Meh, I'm going to go watch more Bruce Almighty and apparently I've got to drive my mom and our neighbor back over to our neighbors to get our turkey for Thanksgiving... Yuck.
Latuhhh. < 3456789

Monday, November 22, 2010

Concerts and fear.

All right, I'm typing on my phone and it SUCKS. D;
It's an iPhone so it's not completely horrible, but I'm still not very into it..
Maybe I should just go grab my laptop, but I really don't feel like it..
Mom's out there and I just know she'll ask what I'd like for dinner.
I want NOTHING. :/
I don't want to eat.
God, I'm pissed I've been put in this mood/mind again. Last week was soo normal-ish and now I feel like starving.. BLEH.
I'm not even sure what happened to kill my joy, I was just chillin' in my room last night, thinking and stuff, when I suddenly just felt terrified. :/
Adrenaline rushed through my arms -not kidding, WTF?- and I just felt horrible.
The horrible feeling stuck 'round for a while, and I ended up obsessively playing Solitaire for an hour or so... :p
Then I couldn't fall asleep, and I even got so wound up in myself that I seriously had a thought that it was too quiet.
I don't even mean my house, I meant my head. I've NEVER thought anything like that before... It was weird, and a but freaky... But I've laughed it off and junk now.

Anyways; the bad mood kept until morning, and I've still got it. I won't eat, and I know I'll have a HELL of a time falling asleep tonight... Eh.
But now I just need a plan on how to escape dinner, since my mom's more than likely going to try to shove food up my arse... Or down my throat? Haaa.
'Spose I'll just go and shower, I've got a band concert in an hour and a half. :p
Oh, yeah, I play the flute.. Have been since a bit into sixth grade, which makes this my fifth year. :o
I DON'T particularly want to go, I love playing and all... But the shirt I've gotta wear makes me look bigger than usually. :/

WHY IS THIS SO LONG? I mean, jeeeeeeze. Nobody's going to want to read this...
Well, I doubt anyone would want to read it if it was short, too. My life's boring and I've got too many opinions and too much to ramble on about...

OKAY, I'm done.

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Sunday, November 21, 2010


Jeez, two posts on my first day? I think I could really get into this blogging stuff. Ahaa.
But, yeah, I mostly just wanted to talk about something ironic -not sure if that's the right word for what happened, but I'm stickin' with it- that happened a little while ago..
It was around dinner time and I went out into the kitchen, not feeling exactly hungry because I've been eating all freaking day, and my mom was out there finishing things up and all that and I told her that I wasn't feeling really hungry.
It wasn't all that not normal for me, I rarely eat dinner -'specially since we have meat nearly every night and I'm trying to ease into the vegetarian lifestyle :p-, but my mom seemed concerned. I told her I'd been eating all day but I'm not sure she even believed me? She asked what I'd been eating and everything, and I told her just junk. (I'm trying not to get too down that I've eaten so much today... because I'm in a good mood and I want it to stay that way :D)
She kept sort of going on about it and I was just like woowww, seriously?
And finally she just said: "I don't want you to pull a -insert name of ex-best friend that had an ED here- on me. I think you might have an eating disorder..."
I was shocked, because I have been eating a lot lately, and wasn't sure what to say, so all I did was sort of laugh it off.
(Reason I think this is 'ironic' or whatever is I'd just wrote my first blog a bit before and I'd said that I know I haven't got an eating disorder...)

...Honestly though, now I'm a bit scared. I don't think I'll develop an ED now or anything really, but I've got conflicting emotions... Damn, this is hard to even explain.
Maybe I'll just sort all this out tomorrow, when I'm not so confused/freaked out myself.

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This is not a blog.

Okay, maybe it is...
And, it's my first.... and I'm at a loss of what to say.

Maybe we should get acquainted first, aye?
Firstly, my name is Jessie. Not a unique name, I know... I hate it, but whatever.
I live in the U.S, in one of the states that actually has all four seasons... haha.
It's barely winter now -I think, if it is even winter yet?- and there's already fucking SNOW.
I LOVE SNOW, but not in November. -..- This is supposed to be my favorite jeans/sweatshirt weather, not shivering in my hoodies and seperating myself from the outdoors. UGH.
..And snow makes me think of Christmas, which is still far off. Thanksgiving is first... :/
Anyways; I'm fifteen, the stupid age of nothing.  Sure, I got my permit, but who really gives? I want to be either older or younger, not stuck in the damn middle.
I live with my mom, my dad, my brother, and my dog and cat.
Music is a big part of my life, it's like an addiction.  It's always there for me, when nobody else is.
And now I suppose I should confess a few things, hm? The things that I wouldn't dare talk about with anybody else, and are sort of the reasons I wanted to make this blog thing?
...It's sort of hard to type it, because I'm not sure how to say it...
But, oh well, here goes;
I do not have an eating disorder -as far as I'm concerned anyways.. :p- but sometimes I can be... obsessed with my weight.
SINCE IT'S TOO MUCH. God, hideous fat... I hate it so much...
I try really hard not to fall into the trap that I know are eating disorders, but it's hard when I'm just so interested in them.
I know they make life Hell, I know they ruin everything... but I can't help it.
Also, I'm not depressed -once again, I don't think I am anyways-, but I've got a few... unhealthy tendencies and a real weird habit of seriously hating myself... If that makes sense?
This is the real hard part to come clean about, because I feel like such a hypocrite, but well... I cut.
Or, I have cut. It's another thing I'm trying to stay away from, but it's hard... It's, well, ADDICTING.
But the only place I want to do it is an obvious place, and my wristband will only cover them up for so long... I'll run out of room eventually, so I really should just stop.

Yeah, well.. I'm not sure what else to write. I'm sort of in a 'blah/okay' mood today, since it's Sunday so I've really got nothing to do... besides homework, which I probably won't do anyways...
'Spose I'll just go surf around on PrettyThin or get on MyYearBook or somethin'...

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