(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Shopping and t-shirts.

Went shopping up north today for Jean's birthday -which was in April, BTW.
LOLyeah, I don't understand either, but it was still fun.
I got a shirt that says "Cool story, bro. Tell it again."

I've been so un-motivated to fucking blog.
I don't know what it is.
Hung out with Axel and Beth finally after so long, and it was like ASKULVIUE;LRA.
In a good and bad way?
Ew, this post sounds gross.

Fucking shiiiitttt.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Opinions and music.

Okay, so after a bit of free publicity, I need everybody to seriously right now go check out Camille and her blog. http://thefatassprincess.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-answers-and-other-stuff.html She's basically fantastic and enertaining and all that good shtuff. :)

I'm just chilling in my room, listening to music, feeling apprehensive... if that's the right word to describe it.
I feel like I've gained from today, which is pretty fucking ridiculous.  My calories have to be below 600.
Body, I've said it before and I'll say it again; I HATE YOU AND YOU CAN FUCK OFF.
Kay, now that that's out...

I'm feeling better I think.
I just have to make myself feel happy like I used to, nobody's going to swoop into my life and make me smile all the time. I can do it by myself.

Um, I'm very sick of having blonde hair.
I don't know what I want exactly, I have ideas -psh, plenty, like awlways- but I fucking around from dark brown to blonde and back is pretty dumb.
Bleach doesn't totally fry my hair or even hurt my scalp or anything, but it's just time and money consuming and then it's orange and it takes a month or two to get the bronze out.
Yeah, whatever.
I want brown back, and my long hair.
Why did I cut all my hair off... Why?! It's so damn annoying.  It was okay while it was short, but now it's in the awful growing out-stage.
I cut it again today.
Totally fucked up some of my bangs, but I don't really care I guess.
Okay, I really fucking care, but it'll grow out and be fine. It always does/is.
Cut some layers, might've ended up doing exactly what was done to my hair last year that prompted me to chop it off.
I won't again, Beth would murder me. xD

What do you guys think? What color should I dye my hair for the upcoming school year?
(I'm staying blonde until the end of summer, I think...)

I think I had more to say but I got distracted.
Eugh, hate it when that happens.


*Quick thanks to all of my 32 followers! In the beginning, I was excited about having 8, and now I have 32... The counters been fucking up or something or else I'm just not a very pleasing person, because from yesterday I've apparently lost two and then a little later got another...
Whatever, just want to say that if I'm not following you, comment saying your a new follower or something and I will get right on that..

Television and friends.

I'm just seriously so fucking bored lately.
I think that's why I'm usually sad or pissed or whatever.
There's nothing fucking happening in my life.
So stupid.

I have to pee.
I feel fat, even though -if I haven't fucked it up like I think I might have- I will have lost five pounds in three days this week, tomorrow.
I don't like this.

I also don't like commenting on blogs, and not really getting comments in return.

Ugh, when I have something to say, maybe I'll have a better post or whatever.
Yeah, so, 'till then or whenever...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Fear and fragility.

Is fragility a word?

I feel like I'm just in an awkward, middle state.
I'm sad, but not exactly; I'm pissed, but not really; I want to cry and scream and throw some sort of tantrum, but I won't.
It's messed up.
And at the same time that I don't want anybody to acknowledge the fact that I'm cracked, fatigued, and not always stable, I really crave having somebody here to say that it's okay.
I don't want anybody to touch me, but...

The scab on my head is itchy.
I want to rip it off.
...Will it bleed again?

I haven't been talking to Axel. He's been annoying me more than ever.
Everybody's been annoying me, sort of.
Not really.
I don't know.

This is going nowhere.


Monday, July 11, 2011

*Boredom survey. (100 Truths?)

I think it might be one hundred truths...

1. Last beverage: Water.
2. Last phone call: Um... Jean, on Saturday I think.
3. Last text message: "Good morning :)" from Axel, which didn't get a reply.
4. Last song you listened to: Start of Metal Now, by Say Anything.
5. Last time you cried: Almost yesterday, but I held back my embarrasment tears; otherwise, I don't really remember.

6. Dated someone twice: Almost every boyfriend I've had I dated a few times, except for my most recent ex which was only once -had a 'thing' afterwards but never made it 'official'.
7. Been cheated on: Been told I've been cheated on but the person wasn't my friend so might not have been totally reliable, and I believed my boyfriend-of-the-time's denial of the accusation; so I'll never really know if it was for sure, but I still don't think so.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: I liked it at the time, so no.
 9. Lost someone special: Mmm, yeah, I guess.
10. Been depressed: Meh...
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope.

12: Purple.
13: Blue.
14: The rest of the colors.

15. Made a new friend: Yeah.
16. Fallen out of love: Dunno if I've ever really been "in love".
17. Laughed until you cried: Ha, probably.
18. Met someone who changed you: Not really, maybe I guess.
19. Found out who your true friends were: Sort of.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I'm always suspicious that people are, but nobody is as far as I know.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: On FB, yeah.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: On FB, most of them.
23. How many kids do you want: Maybe, like, three.
24. Do you have any pets: One lovely, old cat, and hopefully a new puppy near the end of August.
25. Do you want to change your name: I dunno, I used to not like it and I sort of still don't, but I'm used to it.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Got my permit. 
27. What time did you wake up today: Around ten or eleven I think.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably sleeping/recuperating.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Wisconsin Dells at the end of July, tomorrow to see if I've lost weight.
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Minutes ago, she's outside now with my brother and his friend.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Is myself a suitable answer?
32. What are you listening to right now: Television, Proactiv commercial.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don't think so...
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Coral, Axel.
35. Most visited web page: MyYearbook.
36. Whats your real name: Jessica.
37. Nicknames: Jessie, Jess, Jbear, Jessiebearz...
38. Relationship Status: Single, always.
39. Zodiac sign: Virgo.
40. Male or female: Female.
41. Primary School: Elementary? -Townname- Elementary and Westwood Elementary.
42. Secondary School: Middle school? -Townname- Middle School
43. High school/college:  Same as middle school -they're connected. So technically, it's -Townname- Middle/High School.
44. Write w/e you want here: If I had any other heart besides my oooowwwwnnnn.
46. Height: 5'6.75" last time I checked.
47. Do you have a crush on anyone: No.
48. What do you like about yourself: I can be sort of funny sometimes.
 49. Piercings: Only ears so far; two on both lobes, three on left cartilage.
50. Tattoos: None -yet.
51. Righty or lefty: Right, used to be quite ambidextrous when I was younger and broke my right hand, but not so much anymore.

52. First surgery: Does getting a tube from my ear removed when I was very little count?
53. First piercing: Ear lobes, don't remember the age, which I ended up taking out and having to get re-pierced a few years later.
54. First best friend: Stephanie.
55. First sport you joined: Swimming.
56. First vacation: I don't even know, nowhere really exciting though.
58. First pair of trainers: Shoes? When I was a baby, but no nice ones until fifth grade.

59. Eating: Nothing.
60. Drinking: I really should get some more water...
61. I'm about to: do nothing..?
62. Listening to: Degrassi on TV, my mom doing miscellaneous cooking in the kitchen.
63. Waiting for: Text message and FB replies.

64. Want kids: Sure.
65. Get married: I dunno, I guess so maybe..
66. Career: No. Fucking. Clue.

67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the who/when.
69. Shorter or taller: For significant others? Taller.
70. Older or Younger: ^^^? Older?
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both... but I'm not exactly a romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms : Both, but a thin stomach on myself would be totally ideal, but so would thin arms...
73. Sensitive or loud: More on the loud side, but not overly so.
74. Hook-up or relationship: I think I'd prefer hook-ups actually. xD Of course, being a junior in the most relationship-orientated, sensitive, touchy-feely grade ever doesn't give me many oppurtunities for either that I'd enjoy.

76. Kissed a stranger: No.
77. Drank hard liquor: Vodka? Yeah, a bit.
78. glasses/contacts: Nope, 20/20, baby -better, actually, when I tested myself in Bio.
79. Sex on first date: Depends on the who/when/where I guess. xD
80. Broke someone's heart: Maybe, supposedly.
82. Been arrested: No.
83. Turned someone down: I think so,I guess... maybe.
84. Cried when someone died:  Yep.
85. Fallen for a friend:  Somewhat I guess.

86. Yourself: Eh, not really.
87. Miracles: Meh.
88. Love at first sight: I dunno, no.
89. Heaven:

90. Santa Claus: LOL. Not since I was much younger.
91. Kiss on the first date: Never really been on a proper "date".
92. Angels: Neh.

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No.
95. Did you sing today: Maybe a little.
96. Ever cheated on somebody: No.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: I don't think I would.
98. The moment you would choose to re-live: Making a snide comment to a young girl or when I hit my head yesterday.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love: Probably on some hidden psychological level.
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Is that what it's supposed to be called? 'Cause I'm definitely not afraid of posting.

Wounds and boredom surveys.

OK, so, what is there to say...
Warped was really good. :) I was almost in front for GO RADIO. Like, OMG; lovelovelove. < 3
I sang/screamed the lyrics for all of Goodnight Moon, and it was amazing.
Also saw Simple Plan and got to hear Welcome To My Life -also sang/screamed along. :D
Saw a bit of I Set My Friends On Fire -only long enough to hear But the NUNS Are Watching, which is really the only song I know by them.
And saw a bit of Blood On the Dance Floor as well -once again, only long enough to hear Sexting... then I zoned out of listening to them.
And was able to witness the biggest circle pit, like, EVER. I wasn't in it, but I was up on a hill and could actually see it from above -pretty shweet. 'Twas A Day to Remember, and Deli and I didn't participate in it because she had a headache and I did as well -get to that in a second.
Bought a horseshoe Go Radio necklace - < 3 -, a Vans anchor tank top -< 33-, got a free Vans pink/black checkered bag with the shirt -< 3-, and a pink 'FUCK CANCER' wristband.
Irony about the wristband? I've smoked this summer, but I'm done with all that -hopefully. What was even more ironic was that Dan was smoking while wearing his.
Yeah, he's sort of dumb/hypocritical.
Um, anyways, while there I hit my head... LOL. We were going under some caution tape, and there was a door open that I didn't even notice -perhaps that was why there was caution tape, or else we just weren't supposed to be back there... :P Hit my head on some sharp thing that was on the door while getting up, but it didn't hurt that bad so I just kept on following Deli and Dan.
I got a little tweaked a second later though, so I ran my fingers through my bangs -had my hair up and hit my head where it was parted- and looked in the black reflective side of the Monster truck.
I was bleeding. :P
A lot.
It went down my face and was all up in my hair and got to my mouth, and when the guy in the Monster truck made me sit down it dripped once on my shirt, twice on my pants, and quite a bit on the back of my calf.
Had to get sort of escorted to the Medical Tent and sit down and drink water, but it wasn't bad enough for stitches so I just had to wait there until I cleaned up all the blood.
The white towel they gave me looked pretty gnarly afterwards. :P
And I'd just dyed my hair pink/green -instead of pink/purple-blue-, and my hair started dripping green after I got pretty much all the blood off.
Yeah, bad highlight of the dye...
But people were making jokes -like the guy in the truck said "Here's the story: I was getting beat up by some big, black guy and you came and saved my ass, but got a little hurt in the process"; the first guy that looked at the cut smart assed that "the blood [was] turning my hair pink"; and Dan made up another story about how were looking for his two friends we went with and were asking around and some guy called them faggots so I freaked out and they jumped me.
Yeah, one actually did believe him, the other just called me a dumbass when Dan said he was kidding.

I'm all chill now, it just sort of stings -only enough for me to know it's there, though.
Yeah, and I think that's it...
But I'm bored enough to do a survey type thing, which Samzi did and I am copying from her blog. :)
Don't feel obligated to even glance at it, it's a distraction of sorts I suppose.


*Comment replies
@Don't_Judge_Me; I'm not even sure I'm a big fan of PT anyways...
Ha, if you have dreams weirder than little girls smoking crack that their grandma gives them than I'm not sure if the trade is a good idea... ;P

@CinnamonBrown; I ended up having some Friday/Saturday binges, but over the weekend I only gained back one pound of the five. :D I'm sure your losing just as nicely anyways, since everything I've lost is just binge weight.
What do macaroons taste like anyways? Are they like cookies? ...I think I'd rather save them up and put them on the shelf in my room than eat them though. xD ...Do you think 'pineapple-under-the-sea' flavor would be more pineapple-ish, or sea-ish? o.o
Please don't binge drink! It won't do any good; it's just empty calories. :(
I'm already feeling a bit better today, thanks. :)

@PrincessPerfection; Yeah, that's what it is. Don't get me wrong, it can be really helpful and entertaining, but there are things on there that some people could consider triggering
Warped was fun, thanks. :)

@Samzi; Wewt, thanks. :D
Yeah, maybe that's why I don't like it as much as I used to; I've gotten much more connection, support, and understanding here on Blogger than there. Nothing can really compare I guess.
Gained back one of those five after the weekend, and four pounds isn't nearly as impressive of a loss, but y'know; it was all binge weight anyways, so it's not some great feat like everybody else -or maybe I on that post- made it out to be.
If you get the chance, you should definitely go; highest of recommendations from me. :)

*Posting survey on different post, because this one is already so long.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

PT and Warped.

Probably won't be posting tomorrow, and maybe not the day after unless I go on my phone...
So, quick post that might not actually be quick... :P

I was just on PT, and I was actually commenting on posts.
Whoahdude, I almost had a heart attack.
I'm comfortable here on Blogger with you guys, but PT is a whole other place...
I know I know, it's all about support and no one will laugh at me and I'm not alone; but still.
It's sort of like school, and I feel like I'm never going to fit in there.

I've drank a lot of water and have to piss every ten damn seconds...
Because I ate too many potatoes today after having a "good week" -losing five lbs in three days FTW- and this is my attempt at "damage control".
Fuck this. I'm fat.

Did Jessie just mention "ED" related things on her blog? Shockerrrrr.

Not the best mood today.
Have you noticed?
Sort of pissed, really antisocial.



*Comment replies

@Don't_Judge_Me; I think I will have a good time there, it's just the before and after I'm tweaking about. :/
Lol. Slash-above-e... fancy. ;)
I sort of like owls; they make pretty jewelry. xD It is most definitely a boy, and I think I like the name Cleo. ^^ But not for sure yet... The naming process if very important... xD
Yes, I would like to trade, for at least one night. :(
Does that mean you get my weird as Hell dreams too?

@PrincessPerfection; I wasn't as self-conscious or antisocial the first time I went two years ago, so I just constantly remind myself of how much fun it is and how little everybody cares about how you look there to not psyche myself out. ^^ 'Cause when I'm there, I'm just another freak at Warped; not a loser with pink/purple hair that's sort of a bitch. :3
I'm not name creative either. D: I actually thought about the little owl's name for like... a day.
:P :)

@PatienceElizabeth; I think some of those are seriously dropping off the tour after Saturday, because I don't think they were on the list for MN. D:
New to D.R.U.G.S. and so excited to see them though! :D

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Headaches and centipedes.

My house is total bug central.
I HATE bugs, with an inferno-esque passion.
I just had to throw a centi- or milli- or whatever- pede in the toilet.
I can't just squash them and throw them in the trash, because they might still be alive and get out...
Is that weird?

I've got a headache.
And I'm tired.
I'm, like, always tired...
I used to be able to stay up until 3am easy, now I'm sleepy by 12-ish.
I don't like it.
Doesn't help that I'm always just bored at night... UGH.

I'm texting and I'm not in the mood for texting.
I'm never in the mood for texting.

I'm stuck in my version of depression, which isn't actually depression because I'm not depressed.
I prefer my neutral phases -which are rare-, or my slightly more hyper ones.
I was actually contemplating finding an excuse to not go to Warped this year.
I'm just mega-tweaking about it.
Mostly because somebody I don't know is going to be in the car and we might be dropping off Deli somewhere else on the way home so then I'm alone in the car with her boyfriend and his friend -the one I don't know.
It'll be awkward, or I'll think it is; small talk is not my forte.
I don't know how to spell forte, so I just did whatever.
Points for sounding it out?

Oh, here's a list of all the bands at Warped '11.
I'm not actually excited for most of them, since I don't listen to/like most of them.
But I just love Warped or something, or I love being a poser...
I don't know, I don't think I'm a poser.
I just want to see Go Radio, D.R.U.G.S (Destroy Rebuild Until God ....something that starts with an 's' that I forgot), maybe ADTR and Hellogoodbye.
For a lineup of 50+, you'd think I'd have more of a variety I'd be interested in.
Lots of them are skipping MN though, so yeah. :/
Paramore, 3OH!3, Falling In Reverse... :(

Ohmygod, I hate writing long things.
Oh, and, quick poll which will not really be a poll because I'm far too lazy to actually make a poll thing...
Those that are following Camille more than likely have been on her page and seen that little owl guy, and those aren't following and haven't seen it should go, like, now... -She's super shweet and cosmic and made this chat thing that's rad. ^^
Yeah, I'm thinking of a name for him so I can pretend he's my little stuffed animal guy and cuddle him -through the computer screen. :D
I don't care if he's already been named, because I'm doing it again. >:P
I'm horrible with names, but I've thought of Charlie and Cleo. :3
I feel like a creep right now, go me.
RAEWR. Self esteem suuuccckkkssss.


Hair and editing.

I've seriously just been sat here editing pictures for, like, ever.
Ugh, I'm such an ugly camera whore.
I don't even know what I'm going to do with these pictures. xD

All right, so, I've been back to commenting on blogs.
But, y'know me and my mood swings -steadily commenting on blogs is difficult.
I usually end up just picking one day every little while and commenting, like, EVERYTHING.
It sort of sucks, but y'know.

My hair has faded SO MUCH.
I went swimming and washed it the day after dying it, so it's obvious WHY.
But it's sort of annoying.
It doesn't look bad really, though.

Hung out with Deli for the first time all summer today.
Probably hanging with her tomorrow, too.
...Tomorrow's Thursday, right? asdfkajeoiauer
I don't like this week, I've been so confused, since I came home Monday instead of Sunday and blah.
But this Sunday is Warped Tour. :3

Bored. Blahblahblah.
Sort of tired, too.
Need to go wash my face, 'cause I've been breaking the Hell out.
It sucks, like, badly.

I'm craving banana smoothie, or frozen banana pieces.
The fuck...

Ohwell, and my Why Was My Day Awesome thing failed.
Didn't seem like anyone else was into it, so I stopped being into it too I guess.

I was going to clean my room today; that was sort of my whole "big plan".
LAWL. It didn't work.
I did paint my nails though... They're sparkly.

I really have nothing to say.


Sunday, July 3, 2011


Tired, dunno why.
It's 1:30am; blah.

My yesterday was tight shit because I went swimming. :]

My today was bomb 'cause I went on a boat and brought some little kids that are new up here snipe hunting. :]
You guys ever been snipe hunting? ;]

Not really able to reply to comments still; on phone again. Sorry babes.
But Cinnamon Brown, I wasn't alive, conceived, or even imagined in '92.. O.O
I feel super young...

Please keep the comments comin', boo? I love the small/random/nice things that you guys liked about your day and I promise to comment everyone's blogs when I go home. < 3