That's not a lot of time, but for me it is..? xD
Anyways, it's been Christmas Eve for nearly four hours...
My grandma is here, and tomorrow my cousins and aunt are coming...
And lucky me they're bringing a bunch of people I don't even fucking know.
God, I DON'T EVEN WANT THEM TO COME ANYMORE.
They're not coming to see family they've been ignoring for months, no; we're just another place to hang out and get free food.
FUCK MY FAMILY.
FUCK THEIR DRUGS AND THEIR IMPRISONMENT AND THEIR DUMB BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR INABILITY TO USE A CELL PHONE AND THEIR FUCKED UP SELVES THAT ARE CONSTANTLY BRINGING UN-NEEDED FUCKING DRAMA AND STRESS INTO MY PARENTS' AND MY LIFE.
Fuck the fact that my cousins are going to ignore me again, and than wish that they'd spent time with me right before they leave.
Fuck the fact that I'm so fucking jealous of them, and their filled-up lives.
Fuck the fact that I hate my own, empty life.
My grandma being here means I can't check my weight very often, and right now I really want to know because I've been putting off checking it.
And I've been eating like a fucking hog.
It makes me wonder if maybe I was trying too fucking hard, to mess myself up, to find something that I could pour all my hatred into, something that would show how legitimately I hate my body, and essentially hate the hopeless mind that's inside of it.
Then it makes me feel like a *cough*"wanarexic"*cough*, or just an attention whore, that I still want to fuck myself over.
I want so badly to just... I don't even know.
I guess I can sum up everything I want in to just being skinny.
If I was skinny, I :
- WOULDN'T HATE MYSELF SO MUCH
- WOULD HAVE ACTUAL FUCKING CONFIDENCE
- WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE SUCH AN ATTENTION-WANTING WHORE
- WOULDN'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF
- WOULD HAVE BETTER FRIENDS
- WOULD ACTUALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH MY 'FRIENDS'
- WOULDN'T BE JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE LIVES
- WOULD BE AN OVERALL BETTER PERSON
I hate all this wondering, all this curiosity, all this doubt that the fact that I want to be "fucked up" actually makes me just a wanna-be.
In 2011, I want to make actual changes.
Hopefully, Jean, my neighbor, and I will be getting a gym membership.
By New Years, my weight will probably shock me back into restriction.
Huh... Might as well say buhbye to my followers, now that I've admitted that I'm just a poser.
But, after reading this over, there's just one thing I have to say;
I don't meant that I want to be anorexic, no way. I was just saying that I feel like a wanarexic, for wanting to go back to the craziness I put myself through two months ago...
Actually, I'm just making myself sound even more wanna-be-like by trying to explain myself.
Fuck this, I'm so confused and my head hurts and I'm pissed that I'm hungry in the middle of the night and I hate that I can't go check my weight to convince myself that I don't need food and I keep thinking about school and the fact that D didn't text me today even though he said I was supposed to go to his house and stuff and I'm hating all of these run-on sentences and I just want to sleep but then again I don't and I don't want to do my pathetic work out but I know I should and I want to cut but I can't and I hate my hair, it's too short and too dark and the dye made it smell bad.