(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Presents and scars.

Sorry for two posts in one day, but oh well.
I almost went to sleep without wrapping the first present for tomorrows Secret Santa, but I remembered and just finished up.
I had to ask my mom to come inside from the garage, because I didn't know where the bag of stuff was.
So after we were done, I mentioned that she might need to buy more bags for wrapping things because I've got some nice presents for Deli and Jean.
She'd forgotten what I'd gotten for Deli -because I stole it ages ago, and was hesitant about showing her 'cause she always asks about prices and tells me that I should always save my receipts and blahblahblah...- so I had to go get the bracelet and ring.
I showed her and she got all excited because she just got a present -we did a family friend Christmas yesterday :D - that was in the "perfect box" that I could use.
We were looking at it and stuff and I wasn't wearing my wristband -since I'm dumb and thought she wouldn't notice my scars- and she saw the lines.
Basically the conversation went like this:
"What's that"
"Those... Are you cutting yourself?"
"Wha- OH. No, mom, I'm not."
"Are you sure? Don't joke with me.."
"YEAH, mom, I'm sure. I'm not, promise." [Insert hopefully-convincing smile and hasty exit here.]
I didn't lie, because I'm not... anymore. My scars don't fade, so I can't risk it anymore.
These ugly things need to fade though, I mean SHIT.
One from wayyy back is still fricking pink-ish and obvious/ugly.
She better just forget about this and let it go, I hate talking about this shit.
It's just a reminder of how weak I am and it's already a constant thing I have to remember to cover up every day.
...She better not "clean" my room tomorrow while she's home, I've got some old razors and notes that she DOESN'T need to fucking find.
Ohmygosh, why couldn't I just be the normal fucking daughter she wanted.
No, instead I had to be the fucking wannabe-messed up shit head that probably makes her wish she hadn't decided to have kids after all.
My brother better be nothing like me when he's a teenager.

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