(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being unable to sleep and blogging.

Can't sleep.
Going to maybe try a little bit to not ramble, 'cause my phone is totally dying.
Fucking death.

I miss blogging, like, I think I do.
I forgot how this place is somewhere I can just take all my jumbling thoughts and throw them into the Internet, back out into the world that does not care.
Maybe this lack of release -and support?- has been why I can't do anything right lately.
"Anything" corresponding mostly to food, calories, binging, fasting, losing, gaining, and maintaining -OF COURSE.
Perhaps now, with summer very close and this blog, I can finally fucking DO SOMETHING.
I can hope, I guess...

I said, like, yesterday that Axel likes me, right?
Maybe a bit of backstory is now needed... OK, so...
He is I guess sort of my new 'best friend', that's a guy and that isn't Jean, Deli, Dan, or Beth.
You look at him, and the last thing you think is emotional and clingy.
So far, that's proven to be very wrong.
He was sad this weekend, so I was being a quote-unquote "good friend" and "helping him".
Honestly, in my opinion, I wasn't doing jack-shit.
So, after 2 hours of talking, it turns out he LOVES to compliment me, and gets royally ticked off if I disagree with him and blahblahblah.
Unless he was joking around -which is highly plausible, since it's hard to tell when he's being serious/sarcastic, especially over texts- I made him cry twice that night.
I know, right? The. FUCK?
Gross... I get that guys have feelings, but he told me he "locked up his feelings" and "hid his sadness with anger". Dude, I thought we would've matched perfectly, DICK.
The next day, he came over and we sat in my basement and didn't really do anything but talk.
I wanted to know the core reason of why he'd gotten sad the night before, since he'd said he didn't want to talk about it but then I heard I was involved and decided I WANTED/NEEDED to fucking know.
He WOULD NOT tell, he said it would be "awkward", which is weird since that kid does not ever get awkward.
I finally got it out of Beth, and it was just that Axel liked me and one of our friends had been saying shit or something? Dunno really how he got upset, but yeah.
Totally fucked up that the kid who was making fun wanted to ask me out hxc last month, right?
Since that fateful day, he basically hasn't left me alone.
I'm not annoyed, persay, but his feelings are just DOWN ALL THE TIME.
I understand that he doesn't have a dad and maybe he's depressed and his family "doesn't get him", but DAMN KID I CANT HELP YOU WITH EVERYTHING.
Where, exactly, is that emotional bottle he claimed to have?
Total bullshit.
And he seriously needs to stop complimenting me and thinking I hate/am mad at him and wanting to know "what's wrong" with me.
HULLO, I'm not going to explain my every low self-esteem induced, fucked up thought or opinion -about myself or anything else- to him.
I'm not depressed either, mmmmmmmmmmmkay? -LAWLz, South Park reference...

'Kay, hope to not ramble is shattered.
Vent completed.
Even if I've already vented twice or three times this week, to Jean, Beth, and Christine.
Oops. :P Oh well.
I'm sure you all just love to hear the tragic woes of a teenager searching for a love that is nonexistant?
Sucks that girl isn't me then, eh?

Also confided in Jean that I would so totally rather date a jerk that verges on abusive than some emotional and sensitive prick.
She looked at me like I was nutters.
I tried to explain that apparently some "perfect median" does NOT exist -at least not at this age, in this town...
She still thought I was a only a nut or two short of peanut brittle.

...That metaphor/analogy/simile did not work?

Oh well.

Hoping I lost from yesterday.
I really dislike that word -HOPE.
It's sort of ugly, for all the weird/wrong reasons.

I should go to sleep...
Phone's seriously nearly dead.
Latuhz then, lovelies.

Oh, and thank you Thin or Not for the comment. < 3

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