Concerts and NXT.

Today was a pretty good day. I went to a show and the headlining band --which is the only band I really gave a shit about seeing-- was awesome. I didn't even know all of the songs but it was still just so great. My legs were feeling a little sore and I loved it,
I stood next to this guy and he was cute and I wish he would've talked to me more.
He reminded me of my ex though so maybe not the best idea.
Shows are also great because you stand and jump and stuff and that burns calories.
I only ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios with Vanilla Soy Milk and an oatmeal raisin cookie from Jimmy John's today, and I drank quite a bit of Mickey's pop and a few sips of her Sunny D in the car.
I'm not very happy about the cookie, pop, and Sunny D, but my therapist told me to look at everything as a whole and not to get so caught up in a few indulgences.
And considering I had an oatmeal raisin cookie instead of chocolate chip, I kind of count that as a win.
And pop and Sunny D are liquids so they're not really as big of a deal.
So today was a pretty good day with eating too.
And I weighed myself when I got home and I'm 1/2 lb lighter than I was this morning, so that's cool.
Especially because I was hoping I would wake up this morning at this weight, but I only lost 1/2 lb from yesterday.
And if I could wake up tomorrow another pound lighter that would be even better.
I went through a pretty bad week of eating around the 4th which was really disappointing because I had almost gotten past a GW, so getting back on track this week will be good.
I work tomorrow so I just won't bring lunch or snacks or money and just drink water all day and that will be awesome.
I work with kids so I'll be moving too.
Yessss.
I'm going to Warped next Sunday and if I hit my GW by then I might consider crowd surfing.
I probably still won't do it, but if I'm not at my GW then it's not even going to be an option.
I'm tired and my throat hurts from smoking so much today.
I'm gonna chill, watch CatDog, and go to sleep.

I feel hungry and I'm kind of upset about it.
I'm supposed to be recovering but that kind of went out the window.
Oops.

Therapy.

I can't tell if I'm getting better or not. I can't tell if I'm actually getting over my ex.
Some days it still really hurts. Today it doesn't hurt that bad, today might be an okay day.
It doesn't help that I'm supposed to be getting my period this week. My mood is always shittier when I'm getting my period.
I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time and done so much for him, because all he did in return was fuck me over.
I regret it and don't regret it at the same time.
Also, I've realized I was only actually in a relationship with him for, like, three or four months, not the seven I'd thought it was.
I want to go back to school and I want him to come back to me, but part of me knows realistically that won't happen.
He doesn't even want to talk to me now. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't care.

I lost two pounds and it feels good. My stomach still isn't flat though...
I'm going to a grad party today and I hope I can control myself.
It looks shitty outside, I hope it doesn't rain.
God damn I want a cigarette.
I really have to pee.

I only have to go to therapy every other week now. When I'm in therapy, I talk pretty big shit about how I'm getting better, how I don't care if my ex talks to me, how excited I am to go back to school, how I'm keeping myself busy and the depression is going away.
It's only partially true.
But it's like over time I've started to feel weirder about telling my therapist everything. I trust her but I don't want to tell her.
I don't think I really want to get better.
Or maybe I just already am better.
I don't know what better is, I don't remember what it's like to be happy more often than not, so I don't know how to tell if I'm okay or getting okay or what.
Ugh. I have to pee.

Life.

Never in my life have I felt more alone.
Before I was with him, alone didn't mean lonely. Alone was nice and safe, alone meant less worries and more ignorance.
I told him everything about me. My self harm, my eating disorder, my feelings: I laid it all out for him and he accepted it, or at least seemed to.
I cried a lot and cried to him, and sometimes I think he tried to make me feel better and sometimes he just wanted me to stop.
I learned through him that I can't deal with myself all the time.
I don't really like myself that much. I don't really like anyone else that much either.
I keep waiting for people and places that are going to make me feel good and happy, but good and happy are such fleeting feelings.

Depression is such a loop. The good days are good, but sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it.
We live this whole life looking for happiness and things that will make us feel good, and sometimes we can't find it.
Or we find it and it gets taken away from us.
There's no point to all of this. It's insane how small of a chance we all had of existing, yet we do and a lot of us don't even want to.

I know I felt like this before him, but it's like I feel it more now. I can't ignore it, and it happens more often.
I'm still getting over him, yeah, and I'm still holding onto hope that it isn't over.
I hate that I can't get over it.
I'm scared of going back to school.
I'm scared of seeing him and I'm scared of not seeing him.
Nothing and nobody can make this go away. I'm the only one that can make myself happy and I can't figure out how.
I'm scared I'm never going to want to be with someone again and I'm scared that I will be with someone again.
I go over these same feelings all the time. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

I lost ~10-15lbs being with him. It was so easy not to eat with him.
Why did I tell so many people about my eating disorder? Why did I think I wanted to recover?
I thought if I went to therapy it would make him want me back, and it didn't, and I thought I wanted to get better for myself but I'm over it.
I wonder what I'll look like in the 130's. At first I thought the 140's made me look pretty thin and a lot of people have told me that I look skinny, but I stopped seeing it.
My body got too used to the 140's and now it's not the same. The mirror changed.

I have therapy on Friday. I can't decide if I should keep up with saying I'm better so I can stop going soon, or if I should tell the truth.
There's nothing she can do to help me though, not if I don't want to help myself.

I don't even want to go out. I just want to smoke all the time. I'm happier when I'm not sober, it's easier when I'm not sober.
I want to get out of my mind stoned, but I don't know where to get weed here.
I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired.
I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Craziness and intense worrying.

So since my posts got deleted, I guess I should repeat that I lost my fucking virginity.
We didn't use protection, he didn't finish, but I'm tweaking so hard right now that it's not even funny.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
Don't judge me, please, but I was looking up stuff about abortion, even though I don't think I could ever do it.
I'm just crazy scared.
I only get this worried at night. During the day I'm okay, but then at night I just start thinking and worrying and ugh.
I wish I could talk to the guy about it, but. i feel like I can't --or shouldn't, I guess. I don't want to bother him on his break and I don't want to talk to anyone really.
I'm so conflicted.
I want someone to convince me that I'm fine, that I'm not pregnant and it's okay, but I don't want to talk to anyone about how worried I am.
I can't believe I made this fucking mistake.
I should've said no. I should've told him to get a condom. I should've done ANYTHING but what I did.
I don't regret it though, which is the most fucked up part.
Or I guess I do regret it, but only if the worst happened and I am knocked the fuck up.
I hate being so scared. I feel so alone.

What do I do? God...
I'm going on the 6th to get birth control.
Yeah, just a little late... FUCK.
Um. I don't think my period is late though.
I'm so shit at keeping track though. I know I had it the weekend I was home for Thanksgiving, but I can't remember for sure what day it was over. It was probably like the 1st or 2nd of December though. My period is so irregular anyways though...
And being insanely stressed isn't going to make my period show up.
I just don't want to bother anyone...
There's no one up right now anyways, so I really am alone.
And if what I'm worrying about happens, I'll be more alone than ever.
It. Can't. Happen.

I want to cut so bad. And I want to stuff my face until feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to be sick. I want to get my period. I want to starve until everything is okay and I stop fucking up.
I've never fucked up like this.
I'm so irresponsible.
I wish I could cry and feel better.
I'm so sadz.
I always get unexplainable sad before my period too...
Maybe this is okay. This has to be okay.
Typing is helping, even though Imm on my phone.
I just need to breathe. I need to relax. I need to sleep...

I had a mega fucked dream last night.
But he was in it... sort of.
I wish I could see him.
I hate this shit. I hate liking people. I feel vulnerable and like he's just going to destroy me. I can't handle this. I can't do this.
He can't like me. That's crazy. I'm not cute, I'm not likable in any way other than a funny, friend kind of way...
There's something wrong with my God damn head, I thonk.
I don't have ADD. I've realized that. I just like having something I can pinpoint my problems on.
"Don't blame me, it's my ADD."
I'm such a hypocrite though.
I wanna go back to school.
16 days...
I am not going to lose any weight. I'm such a failure.
How am i going to do this for three months for summer.
Being home is bad for me.
I want to be out of here.

I could keep going forever.
It's okay. If it helps, it's okay.

I'm also worried my lip piercings might be infected. Just one of them I think though, so I need to cut back hard on smoking and stop moving it with my tongue so much. I only push it when I can feel that there's crusties on it and it's bothering me, or if I'm trying to eat and they get in my way, but I need to be more careful.
I should stop eating too.
I could also be over leaning it, which would be because of the smoking.
I can cut back, it won't be for very long. I just need to keep calm.
Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.
Ahhh, I'm tired.
Sleep will help me.
I'll be better tomorrow.

Engagements and grandmothers.

I'm going to hang out with Bethany today.
Scott asked her to marry him on Tuesday, I think.
I'm going to be the maid of honor.
...What do maids of honor do?
My mom told me she would pay for my dress just so she could see me in one.
Ugh.
I'm excited for them. They're young, but they have the potential to make it work.

I need my grandma to go home so I can weigh myself.
Uuuughhhhh.

I had a dream about school last night. It was beyond fucked up.
I hope I forget it soon.

Deletion and life.

Accidentally deleted some of my posts.
Fuck.
All I've eaten today is chocolate and I don't feel shitty about it.
I've been eating bad enough that I can still lose from eating this.

My grandma is still here.
I hate myself for not loving my family the way I should.

I want to go back to college. My life at college is so much better than my life here.
I want a cigarette. I can't smoke here. Ugh.

I miss everyone at school. Oh God, I didn't think college would be like this.
Only seventeen more days here.
Seventeen days to drop some weight.

I really want my period to get here. God. I'm nervous.
I need to calm down.

Nightlock and Wicked.

I haven't been upset about my weight in a while.
Or, like, I mean... I'm always kind of upset about it, but tonight... I don't know.
There was something about this four-pound-in-one-day kind of gain that just made me so fucking upset.
I don't want to say sad and I don't want to say pissed, because that's not really it.
I'm just... not happy.
No, more than that.
I'm fucking UPSET.
I don't know if that word means the same to me as it does to any of you. Someone out there probably understands though. That feeling that's not sadness or anger or frustration, but a complicated mixture of all of them; an emotion that can't be pinpointed as being more or less of one or another.
But at the same time I don't feel like I'm feeling anything at all.
At least right now, which is a while since I was downstairs and weighing myself.
I could be around a whole pound lighter by now. Three instead of four, because I pissed when I came upstairs and I have to pee now again...
Just I worked hard this weekend, to be able to start on Monday with a lower weight to be able to fucking destroy myself this week.
Destroy in a good way, of course.
But then I eat two graham cracker sheets (that's what the serving size thing called them, I think) with frosting and a potato rectangle thing and ruin my whole day.
(Did that an hour or two before I weighed.)

I've been around the same weight for more than a year. Much more than a year, I think.
Not a year and a half though I think... maybe close.
I am the definition and should be the poster child for complete and utter failure.

Laterz.