(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


Never in my life have I felt more alone.
Before I was with him, alone didn't mean lonely. Alone was nice and safe, alone meant less worries and more ignorance.
I told him everything about me. My self harm, my eating disorder, my feelings: I laid it all out for him and he accepted it, or at least seemed to.
I cried a lot and cried to him, and sometimes I think he tried to make me feel better and sometimes he just wanted me to stop.
I learned through him that I can't deal with myself all the time.
I don't really like myself that much. I don't really like anyone else that much either.
I keep waiting for people and places that are going to make me feel good and happy, but good and happy are such fleeting feelings.

Depression is such a loop. The good days are good, but sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it.
We live this whole life looking for happiness and things that will make us feel good, and sometimes we can't find it.
Or we find it and it gets taken away from us.
There's no point to all of this. It's insane how small of a chance we all had of existing, yet we do and a lot of us don't even want to.

I know I felt like this before him, but it's like I feel it more now. I can't ignore it, and it happens more often.
I'm still getting over him, yeah, and I'm still holding onto hope that it isn't over.
I hate that I can't get over it.
I'm scared of going back to school.
I'm scared of seeing him and I'm scared of not seeing him.
Nothing and nobody can make this go away. I'm the only one that can make myself happy and I can't figure out how.
I'm scared I'm never going to want to be with someone again and I'm scared that I will be with someone again.
I go over these same feelings all the time. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

I lost ~10-15lbs being with him. It was so easy not to eat with him.
Why did I tell so many people about my eating disorder? Why did I think I wanted to recover?
I thought if I went to therapy it would make him want me back, and it didn't, and I thought I wanted to get better for myself but I'm over it.
I wonder what I'll look like in the 130's. At first I thought the 140's made me look pretty thin and a lot of people have told me that I look skinny, but I stopped seeing it.
My body got too used to the 140's and now it's not the same. The mirror changed.

I have therapy on Friday. I can't decide if I should keep up with saying I'm better so I can stop going soon, or if I should tell the truth.
There's nothing she can do to help me though, not if I don't want to help myself.

I don't even want to go out. I just want to smoke all the time. I'm happier when I'm not sober, it's easier when I'm not sober.
I want to get out of my mind stoned, but I don't know where to get weed here.
I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired.
I hope tomorrow is a good day.

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