Birthdays and HP.

It was Mickey's birthday on Friday.
She had a party, and it was a mild disaster.
It ended okay, I would say.
But I think I've just been having a kind of bad time lately.
Like, there's someone that's walking around my life, dropping bits of explosives, forcing me to run before they detonate or stay and fight.
That someone is always me, of course.
I fight, but I run. It's confusing. I don't know what I'm doing.
The future is forever in my face. I'm terrified. God, it's so black.

I finally watched the final Harry Potter.
It's done now. And I'm sad, because it was a large part of my childhood.
It's a love I've had forever but haven't divulged in in a long time... and now it's done.

I feel like an emotional wreck.
Everybody uses me.
Only Jean really likes me.
I want to go back, back to any time but now.

Laterz.

Prom and Hunger Games.

~159.

Hey there.

It's been a while.

One of my things I wanted to do this new year was post everyday, but I've obviously already messed that up.

It's okay. Just because it's 2012 now doesn't mean I have to change so drastically. I can take it slowly.

I remember I used to love blogging. I loved getting on and just writing about nothing; I didn't care if I got comments or if I was gaining/losing followers.

Things have changed, I guess. I see Blogger now, sometimes, as a huge popularity thing.

And I just don't have the right personality to be 'at the top'.

I just have to stop giving so many fucks. 

I want to be more carefree, more self-sufficient, less worried and anxious.

These are mere hopes, though. I don't really expect to be all calmed down this year; if anything, I might be even more nervous as this year goes on. 

The end of junior year, summer, senior year. 

It's going to be hard. I know it is. 

There will be good times though, I know that much. And that's what I can look forward to, when I suddenly get freaked out because life is moving too fast and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING and not doing anything right and I'm going to end up sad and alone because I can't stand the thought of sharing myself and my everything with another forever.

It will always get better.

I ramble that off to so many people, and I have to keep it in mind for myself.

It WILL always get BETTER. Even when I'm at rock bottom, I can only go up, right?

...I watched Bridesmaids last week... it stuck. ;)

Anyways, there's some things that have... happened since I last wrote a legit post, that I guess I'd like to document.

• I was asked to prom, and I said yes
• I was asked out by the same guy via Red Bull can... and said no
• I realized it had just happened again -I'd 'fallen' for someone momentarily, only to realize I really could hardly stand them at all
• I found out, with the help of Beth, how much of a needy and whiny ass he really is
• I also found out that Christine likes him, and I joked that I would set them up
• I figured out that she actually wants me to -fucking bitch... what? I'm rude...- and stuff, and I figured out that I really didn't want to
• I got Beth to tell the dude that I didn't want to go to prom with him, that he should ask out Christine and go with her, and that it had nothing to do with him -my not wanting to go
• He acted like a whiny stupid fucking BITCH
• I notice now that this all has to do with boys... Euw
• I got a laptop for Christmas. FUUUCKKK YEEAAAHHHH
• I decided that I want all black hair for a while to let my stupid and self-cut layers/bangs grow out, and am now impatiently waiting for January to be nearly over so I can dye it
• I hit a very low point, and also a very high point, over Christmas Break
• I tweaked out because I think everybody hates me and is only using me to get something, and everybody is secretly plotting behind my back
• I took those online tests that are supposed to be "just for fun" and give diagnoses for, like, depression and stuff
• I received results from two tests that said I was Bipolar
• I giggled on the outside but nodded on the inside, even though I know I'm just an insufficient twat that wishes she could take all her invisible problems and give reason to them
• I noticed that everybody -including my own fucking mother who should've grown the shit up by now- is an attention whore
• I started to wonder if maybe I'm stupid for hating anybody that looks for attention
• I know that I look for it sometimes, and I think maybe I should start getting pissed at myself, rather than everybody else, because it's not my fucking problem what they do with themselves
• I noticed just now that these bullet points are hardly different than how I usually write
• I decide I still would like to keep them
• I get tired of writing in this weird format
• I have a two-hour late start tomorrow and I'm terrified
• I think I gained around 6 pounds over break
• I hope I don't fuck up tomorrow
• I want to start keeping track of my weight on here, no matter how embarassed I am
• I really want to start posting everyday again
• Maybe I could start commenting too...
• I know it doesn't really matter to anyone but me what I'm doing

Laterz.

Also, I read Hunger Games yesterday, all at once.
Finished the first book in ~5 or 6 hours, around 9/10 but closer to 10:00, to about 2:50.
I lied about finishing it all to my brother to not seem like such a freak, even though we're so very alike with this fondness for reading, but I'm going to ask for the second one tomorrow...
I love Hunger Games.

You don't have to be so scared.

Kitties and baths [and Day Thirty-Four].

I really have to pee right now but am determined to do this first, so short and sweet unless I get rambly!
My kitty is sleeping next to me right now. He's so cute. < 3

I totally forgot to mention but my blog is officially a year old!
Older than that really, but only a few days or ten or something... I'm not entirely sure.
Just wanted to mention that though.

I'm cold. I've been cold since I got in my car and came home two hours ago.
I want to take a bath but I have to leave in about fifteen minutes to take my brother to meet my dad so he can get some new boots for winter.
(I couldn't take it anymore and went and pissed. Just thought I'd let you know.)
I just crave very warm water and being very warm and relaxing by myself and trying not to think so much.

I'm having a week where I feel like I don't matter. I'm staying relatively cheerful and happy and energetic -can't you see it in this post? ;P- but I feel like everybody is just using me and doesn't really care.
Lol. I know that I don't really have anyone that actually genuinely cares, but I don't feel like anyone cares at all.
I think everybody else is having a kind of moody week too, though. So it really isn't a huge deal I guess.

I'm rambling.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your UGW?
If I had one, I'd feel the same way about it as I feel about counting calories; if I give it all up once I am magically at my UGW, then I'll gain everything back and all my effort will be for naught.

Going to get ready to leave.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Crying and dying [and Day Thirty-Three].

I'm horrible at voicing my emotions.
Like, I can be pissed, but I'm never really horribly mad.
I can be bothered, but I'm NEVER sad around ANYONE.
Even my own family isn't allowed to see me cry.
But I'm this horribly emotional person, ever since I was little I've cried easily. Pain, words, loud voices, the thought that I've upset someone that I really love accidentally -anything can make me tear up.
I need to not have these emotions, I need to be as emotionless as I pretend.
I wish it was that easy. I really do.

I might miss school on Friday, for a funeral. Ann's grandma died last night. I saw her more than my own grandparents, especially when I was younger.
Ann said it, she was how I found out. She wasn't in first hour this morning and I have her first hour teacher third hour -when she has an open hour- so she came down to see what she missed.
She told our teacher, and she almost started crying.
I should've hugged her or at least talked to her... but I didn't because I'm a horrible person.
I feel so bad, but I didn't want to start crying too. I hate comforting people. I'm so selfish.

I'm calming down I think. I wasn't really hysteric or anything, but I cried while driving home a little bit ago.
I'm feeling a little okay, better atleast.

DAY THIRTY-THREE: Will you continue counting calories when you reach your UGW?
If I ever get there, I think I'll have to, otherwise I'll gain everything back.

Thanks for the comments guys. Dunno if I'll be reciprocating tonight, but maybe...
Laterz, loveliez.

Fucking up and water [and Days Thirty, Thirty-One, and Thirty-Two].

Thanksgiving has fucked me up more than I thought, I think...
Will power is gone, motivation is nonexistant.
I have to pee... again. God, fuck thiissss.
So much water I've drank... If it helps, then that's awesome. If not, this is so stupid...
Um, I went back to school today. I also am officially signed up to help with the winter play.
Whoa, I'm actually participating in something. Shoockkkkeerrrr.

DAY THIRTY: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
No, reaching the goal should be enough of a reward for me. Well, sometimes I'll tell myself I can't go shopping unless I'm xxxlbs or something, but I think of that more as a "punishment" for being such a lousy fuck.

DAY THIRTY-ONE: What are your favorite healthy snacks? 
Well, I'm more of a junk food person, but I like pretty much all fruits and vegetables... Strawberries might be my favorite though, I guess..?

DAY THIRTY-TWO: What is your weakness/one food you can't say no to?
Uh... I can't really think of anything? Because I know I CAN say no to anything and everything, it's all just a matter of how much will power I have that day. I'm failing at saying no to S'mores Poptarts at school lately though.

I'm going to watch a new movie on YouTube I heard about.
Laterz, loveliez. 

Halfway points and being proud [and Days Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine].

Yesterday, as I'm sure basically everybody knows already, was Thanksgiving.
I don't think I did too bad. Like, I snacked a bunch mostly, but I think I only gained ~1 or 1.5 pounds.
I was expecting 2+, so that's not bad, but I had gained the day before too, so it's like REALLY.
I'd been at something like a four-day plateau type thing and wasn't losing or gaining anyways, so maybe this can give me a jump start or something, but it's still kind of annoying to have to keep re-starting right when I think I'm doing alright.
I don't feel like I'm making sense...
Aw well, I'm annoyed and disappointed because it's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home.
I've really started to hate just sitting at home, especially at nights and multiple days/nights in a row.
Everyone's gone somewhere or other for the holiday or can't leave and I can't hang out with Axel because he's got a new, thirteen year old girlfriend and he's pissing me off.
He asked me for a ride to my band concert on Monday, after saying the only reason he was going was to see her.
People mooch off me, I hate it but I let them do it.
Anyways... I don't know where I was going with all this...

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?
Um, depending on how I'm doing at the time, anything that has too many calories is off limits, otherwise I'm having what I want when I want and it's a total free-for-all. I don't have a list of foods I can't have or I'm scared to have...

HALFWAYYY POINNTTT!

Not where I should be at the half-point, but I would've been without Thanksgiving I think... Plus, I don't have much I want to lose in this anyways; it was mostly something to get me back on track, and I think it's working.

WEEK FIVE - Challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit in it!

I already have a pair of jeans that are way too tight to be comfortable that I want to be loose-fitting, so there; challenge fulfilled without paying money. :3

DAY TWENTY-NINE:  What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?

I'll actually go check that right now I guess, since I weighed myself pretty late on day one anyways.... And that was about 161, so I guess -2 from day one? How pathetic, but now I have to piss so maybe more like 160.5... Nasty regardless.

Laterz, loveliez.