Thursday.

Thursdays, like, suck for me? Dunno what it is, but it's always Thursdays that I eat more. D;
Today I've had at least 1,000 calories, and that's a rough, probably low, estimation.
Also, Thursdays are sort of blah. I've started to realize lately that, not only do I eat more, but everybody is crabby and yucky... I hate having to go to school and deal with loads of them all at once.
IT'S JUST LIKE: SERIOUSLY?
I think I pissed off Dan today, it was dumb. Before lunch, he out his binder in my locker -I share a locker with his girlfriend Deli and Jean, it's gets messyyyy Dx- and then after lunch he and Deli were being dumb with their PDA, so I took his binder and pushed it between their faces and then dropped it. Neither of them caught it so it fell on the ground, and apparently on Dan's foot or something. So he kicked me. -.- And then he picked it up, and apparently I'd "broken" it, so he bitched and walked away.
God, he's more of a girl than I am.
And he thinks him and his girlfriend are such hot shit! Remember the boy that I mentioned that "supposedly" likes/d me? Yeah, Dan doesn't like him so he's constanly making up all this crap that he likes to stare at Deli's chest, when he seriously doesn't.
Me and Jean just really want to tell him that his girlfriend is not that hot. Yeah, Deli's one of my sort-of friends, and she's gorgeous, but there aren't very many people in our school that like her, or think she's pretty.
And his constant whining about other boys has given her such a big head.
Ugh, I should stop whining...
Dan and Deli aren't always bad, but sometimes I'd just like to punch them in their faces and scream at them that they're NOT THAT HOT/COOL/AMAZING.
Anyways, Dan's flipping out left me in a funk all of fifth hour, because I just get real self-concious whenever I piss someone off on accident or something. :/

Yeah, but, uhm... I think I was down to 157 this morning! It's probably gone up now, and I won't have an accurate number 'till morning, but yeah... I hope that I at least stayed at 157, since I doubt I've lost, and haven't gained.
I'll go insane if I'm not around 155 before the weekend, because I don't want to EVER go over 160 again...
Blah, I should go do my weak exercises before getting ready for sleep.
All it is is around 100 sit-ups, at least 40 push-ups, and these stretch-type-things I do for my sides...
I suck.

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EDIT!:
Just went down and weighed...
Back at 160. :'(
Take that 'I suck' from ^up there^ and multiply it by, like, 1,794,365...
And that might summarize how much I am disappointed in and hate myself
Fuuckkk.

Laalaalaalaa...

I need better titles... :P
Anyways; Jean and Dan were over today! It was fun, and I haven't been hanging out with Dan at all lately. :/
He came up to me in school and was just like: "We're hanging out today.  I miss hanging out with you all the time." I just shrugged, like 'whatever', but yeah... I'm glad he came. n.n
We spent most of the time criticizing his girlfriend, Deli, because she was supposedly 'sick' today but instead had Kay -sort of friend of mine, Deli's 'BFF' atm- over and they got high...
So, yeah! Apparently Jean and I are supposed to stage some sort of intervention this weekend, because Dan wants all three of us to hang out so we can establish our 'group' again. I personally don't think it will work, because Deli knows what Jean and I think of drugs and the like... but oh weellll, it's her life, eh?
And, uhm.... Jean and I worked on our Gatsby project, all we really did was look up quotes on the 'net... xD But we're actually doin' good I think, hopefully we get a good grade. :D
...Though I doubt we'll have it done by Friday. x_x
Allsooooooo;
As of this mornin', I was at 160, and majorly pissed at myself for gaining again... But I'm hoping I've lost since the morning.
...I've actually been doing sort-of-exercises?
SPEAKING OF! I need ideas for what I can do, since I can't just go out and walk around much! The roads are covered in ice, I've already fallen once... D; IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.
So, uh, yeahhh, ideas pleeeasseeee? (Besides the obvious sit-ups/crunches/push-ups/etc...)
Muchas gracias. :3
Hmn, I think I'll be heading to sleep soon...
It's nearly nine and surprisingly I'm still in make-up and school clothes, listening to my iPhone and typing on the laptop.
...I can't think of much else that happened today. :X ...I got, like, a B on a History test, I think... My Bio teacher said he's going to start doing it the 'college way' and just lecturing, since nobody likes to pay attention to him, and it's up to us to learn it all... even though we're just sophomores. Dx
I sincerely dislike school.
Kai, think that's it...
Anybody liking these long-ass posts? ...No? Oh, uh, yeah... sorry. :X
Seriously done now...

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EDIT!:
Just went down and weighed...
Lost one pound! Only excited because I'm back in the 150s!
If I can keep loosing a pound a day, I could be at my first goal by Saturday/Sunday...
Then I could be near the 140s by next week! :O
Gosh, that makes it sound soneasy.
I just need more self-discipline; RESTRICTRESTRICTRESTRICT&STARTEXERCISINGEVERYDAY.

Today..

Actually wasn't bad, while it was happening.
Looking back on it now... I ate too much.
But at least I got to hang out with my bestest friend! n.n
I actually hang out with her every day... But it was still exciting.
She got her hair dyed -she tried really hard to just go dark, but it's all red and she was mad. xD It looks good though!
Have I ever mentioned my overzealous -right word?- love of hair... er, uhm, of hair styles/coloring and all that?
I've recently started cutting my own! Deli actually chopped it all up in the beginning of August -loved it then, now I'm just wishing for it to grow!- and I totally hashed my bangs.
I'm planning on a new haircut/bang style, but I'm sort of scared to go as short as I'd like. Gahhhhhh. Haha.
Oh jeeze, I got carried away talking about hair? Huh, I've got a real weird obsession...
Anyways;
Today I finished reading The Great Gatsby for Pre-AP English, and I got horribly confused by it. xD My friend that came over -need a nickname for her, but I can't just use first letters because I know lots of people with the same first letters... Uhm, I'll go with Jean. n.n- and I are supposed to do a project on character analysis for Friday, but all we've done so far is search for answers on the Internet while I tried to make our slideshow title page look cool... :D While we were on SparkNotes and junk, we think we found the website our teacher gets his lessons from... It was funny!
Gosh, I need to stop ramblingggg....
Hm, on a much more depressing note;
I've gained weight. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
So far, all of the 'hard work' I though I'd been doing is down the drain.
Ice got to turn this week around, or I'll drive myself crazy.
Hell, I think I might already be crazy... Meh, probably not actually.
..Oh, and the topic of anorexia and EDs came up a few times today;
I feel bad now that I felt sort of guilty and squirmy while my neighbor and mom talked about the dangers of not eating...
It came up initially because my neighbor lost four pounds this week, even though she does not need to loose anything!
She said she did it by not eating much.
I'm going to try and use that as my motivation;
If she can do it without trying and without needing to loose anything, I should be able to because I NEED to.
Okay okay, I think I'm done now... Hopeully anyone that tried to read this actually CAN; typing on a phone can be a bitch and I don't feel like re-reading everything... I'll do it later.
Now I just want to sleeepppp.

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Long?

I've realized that this blog has been entirely about two things;
Food and weight.
While my life does revolve around that, I'm sure other people get enough of that in their own lives and probably don't want to read more about it?
So, I think I should say a little bit more about my life, that isn't completely focused on scales on calories.
Okay, so, there's actually something sort of weird happening concerning my friends right now...
Well, it's not really weird, it's just that people have been telling me that this one boy likes me.
Yeah, pretty impossible sound right?
But, I don't date, and I'm not interested in love or anything like that.
Lol. I'm a fail excuse for a girl.
All my friends that are girls are so obsessed with love and falling in it and having boys and never being single...
Me? I had been single for almost three years until I went out with this guy in the beginning of October... and dumped him a week later. Then he dated this girl that I really hate, but ah well...
Anyways, I don't really know why I brought this up...
Maybe because somehow I sort of want to be in a relationship, but at the same time... it's just too much.
I'm the kind of person that needs space, and sometimes I need a lot, and that's just not how relationships work.
Or at least, it's not how any relationships in my school works.
Like, my two friends -these two should probably have names, since they'll probably come up a lot... Hm, I'll do Dan and Deli... It's a girl and a boy, just saying. If you knew the real names, you'd get the nicknames. xD- Yeah, Dan and Deli are always together, it's suffocating just to watch. But they love it?
I just have a feeling, no matter how much I liked somebody, I could never do that.
People are annoying. xD
And even if I liked him and actually wanted to go out with him, I wouldn't ever feel comfortable.
He dates skinny girls, that's not me; he'd realize his mistake quickly and dump me.
Jeez, I'm all over the place with thoughts on this...
Meh, I should just stop worrying about it until I'm thin...
Everything will hopefully fall into place then, and I'll be comfortable with dating.

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I hate the weekend.

Only thing weekends are good for is sleeping...
I eat too much on weekends, and it sucks.
Somehow, I managed not to gain anything after yesterday;
I actually lost one pound?
Whatever, I'm still pissed at myself for breaking down so easily, and thinking that wallowing in my own self-hatred gave me a right to eat whatever the fuck I felt like.

Oh, apologies to anyone that actually reads this, and the seven people that have this show up on their dashboard/home thing.
My blogs suck, my life's a mess.

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Who I am hates who I've been.

Ha. More like who I was hates who I am.
Hell, who I am hates who I am.
Does that make sense?
...Whatever.
I need help.
But I don't want it.
I'm a lost cause.
Fuck friends, fuck love, fuck life; I don't deserve this.
Why did I have to ruin my own life? Why do I do this to myself?

I don't want another fat, pink line on my fat, ugly wrist, but I need it.
Everything's set up, no one would ever know, no one would care.

God, I whine about everything.
Y'know what? Nevermind.
I'm cool, I'm all right.
I'M FINE.

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Baby, are you down,

Down, down, down, down?
Hah. n.n
Down cover by Breathe Carolina. :D
Anyone else like he Punk Goes Pop CDs? #3 is preeettyyy goood.
Anyways;
I'm feelin', like, happy right now?
It's stupid 'cause I actually ate today.
Like, bleh! Some candycane (~60), two pieces of gum (~10), few cheesepuffs (~IDK, but not a lot), Chex Mix (~IDK), brownie thing (~Dunno, a lot...), taco -first taco I've been able to have since I became a vegetarian!- (~Dunno, again..).
Should I over-exaggerate around 700? Or does that still sound like way too little?
Maybe I'll just go with 1,000? Ugh, wish I would've kept my counting going! :/
Definitely done eating for today. Lol.
Ooh, The Grinch Stole Christmas or whatever it's called is on TV!
The people one, not cartoon... I like this one. :D
Hoping for not too much of a gain.
And Dear Becca, that comment you left on my last post just made me smile for some reason? Oh, and I found that I didn't even gain, my clothes just apparently add like two pounds? Ahaha.
Now I'm just praying for minimal or maybe no gain, since I doubt I've still lost.
Disliking being stuck at 157-159!
Ah, I've got nothing left to say.
Well, I've got loads to say, but they could all be stories for a different day.
Somebody remind me to tell about the pineapples sometime, aye? :3

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