Chicago and buses.

4:47pm
I've been on a bus for way too long.
We just saw the House on the Rock or whatever.
Never. Ending. MAZE.
Me and my friends got lost, like, two or three times.
:P
3 1/2 hours, and then there's a food court or something...
Then 1/2 more, and we should be at the hotel.
Fucking never want to get on a bus again.

Oh, and I've figured something out.
D doesn't want me 'cause I'm fat.
He just asked out another frosh today.
She's skinny.

I'm not eating any fucking dinner.

I'm going to have some fucking fun this weekend. :)

Pessimist and shopping.

Goin' shopping with my mom today.
Sweet.
I'm sort of excited, I guess. :P
Mostly because it means walking around and hopefully not eating. :3
I have a busy-ish week...

Sunday(Today): Shopping, fake-packing to decide which suitcase I want.
Monday-Wednesday: School, getting ready, packing, perhaps a sleep-over Wednesday night.
Thursday: I'M GOING TO CHICAGO.

This text is going to be all funnily-colored now. Blah.
Yup, Thursday-Sunday, I'll be in Chicago with my Band class + the first hour Wind Symphony.
I'm excited, mostly to be out of town I guess, and because I like traveling and lovelovelove hotels.
Is that weird?
Only thing that sucks is how much fucking food there's going to be.
I'm stocking up on candy today, for the bus ride there and stuff.
Twizzlers, Sour Patch Kids, and Laffy Taffy.
NOM. < 3
Another thing that sucks is that energy drinks are not allowed. D:
I haven't had one in forever, and I want one. :(
Slap or Rockstar sounds so good right now.

Can you tell I'm in a better mood?
I want to stop being such a pessimistic person.
This new attitude will last for maybe a day.
Enjoy it while you can. ;)

I feel like I had something else to say.
Uh.... Hm...
Well, whatever it was, it's gone now.

Hope all my followers are doing fucking awesome.

Laterz.

Old and new.

I'm starting to dislike blogging...
Not going to say why.

I was looking through old posts, and found this.
End of post, mentions that the weather-people said the snow would still be here in spring...
FUCK THE FACT THAT THEY WERE RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I'm going to re-do my blog, it's too brightly colored.

People are selfish.

Today;

I got home at 3:30.
I went directly to my room.
It is now 8:16, and I haven't moved from my bed.
I have to pee.
But I keep saying: "Before I leave, I'll do [this] or [that]..." and then when that's done, I do it again.
I homestly don't have anything I need to get done though.
Homework I guess, but it's Friday.

I'm watching some comedian chick, she's funny.
Girls are more entertaining -I think- 'cause they can make forreal jokes about being a girl, how much it can suck, and just blahblahblah.
Funny.

I'm fucking thirsty.

Admit It

ADMIT IT.
Despite your pseudo-Bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know NOTHING about art or sex that you couldn't read in any trendy, New York, underground fashion magazine.
Proto-typical non-conformist, you are a vacuous soldier of the thriftstore gestapo.
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges.
BULLSHIT.
Giving your thumbs up and thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art.
Go analog, baby.
You're so post-modern.
You're diving face forward into an antiquated past;
IT'S DIGUSTING. IT'S OFFENSIVE. DON'T STICK YOUR NOSE UP AT ME.

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)
Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends, pontificating to each other.
Forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory, in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire SHALLOW, POINTLESS CONVERSATION.
Oh, we're not worthy.

When you walk by a group of quote-unqoute "normal people", you chuckle to yourself, patting yourself on the back as you scoff.
It's the same superiority complex shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living Hell, and it makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life bitching about.

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)
And I said, yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)

'Cause I'm proud of my life, and the things that I have done.
Proud of myself and the loner I've become.
You're free to whine, it will not get you far.
I do just fine, my car and my guitar.
Proud of my life and the things that I have done. Proud of myself and the loner I've become. You're free to whine, it will not get you far.  I do just fine;
My car and my guitar.

Well, let me tell you this:
I am shamelessly self-involved.
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled.
I worry about how this album will sell, because I believe it will determine the amount of SEX I will have in the future.
I self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety problem.

You are a FAKER. (Admit it.)
You are a FRAUD. (Admit it.)
You are living a lie; your life is living a lie.
You don't impress me. (Admit it.)

You don't intimidate me. (Admit it.)
Why don't you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank.

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)
And I said, yeah, what do you have to say for yourself?
(Woah, woah, woah, woah.)

I'm proud of my life, and the things that I have done. Proud of myself and the loner I've become.
You're free to whine, it will not get you far.
I do just fine; my car and my guitar.
(Guitar, go.)

I drift, drift, drift, drift, drift, yeah.
I drift, drift, drift, drift, drift, yeah - oh.

And I am done with this.
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city.
My car and my guitar.
My car and my guitar.
So you've come to be, made of these urges unfilled.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
When I'm dead, I'll rest.
When I'm dead, I'll rest. Lay still.
When I'm dead, I'll rest. I'll rest.
When I'm dead, I'll rest. I'll rest.
When I'm dead, I'll rest. I'll rest.
When I'm dead, I'll rest. I'll rest.

Snow and blogs.

Yeah, that's right.
FUCKING SNOW.
It is almost the end of March, and it's SNOWING.
It sort of looks a bit like rain right now...
But last night and this morning we got enough for school to be closed.
It's awesome that I got to sleep in five hours later;
It's not awesome that now we have to have an extra day at the end of the year.
Blah.

Aniwayz, on to matters of much more importance.
Okay, not really, but on to those matters aniwayz;

Last weekend I hit a point of emptiness that I haven't had in so long.
I miss it and I want it back.
I've been obsessively reading blogs lately, like blogs that people have long since quit writing on and that I can find on Google.
Did you know there's a whole list of "Top Pro-Ana Blogs"?
Fuck, I didn't either.
I dunno if they're giving me inspiration really, but it's fun-ish?
It makes me want to see how long I can fast, but fasting and living in my house don't go hand-in-hand.
:P
I think it might be easier during weeks once summer comes, and harder during some weekends.
Basically the opposite of how it is now.
Uh. Yeah.
I don't really have much else to say.

@Nikki;
Thanks so much for the comment. < 3
It made me feel better, like, honestly.
I feel loads better lately, I can think about my old puppy and not feel so depressed.
So, yeah, thanks. :)

Yeah, I'm off to read and catch up on everybody's blogs now.
And comment them, all of the latest ones.
And I have to take my brother's pizza rolls out of the oven, and avoid eating them.
They're cheese, so I actually can eat them...
I'm not hungry. :P
And I'm going to re-do some blog stuff, and maybe check out PrettyThin for the first time in a really long-evar.

Laterz.

R.I.P.

On Saturday, my dog died.
I was sitting right next to him, I was the only one still awake, and I looked over and he was gone...
I said goodbye to him this morning, and it sort of helped.
But it just hurts so bad.
I want him back, but he was in pain and he had to go.
I feel like a bitch, like it was my fault;
I should've taken better care of him, I shouldn't have forced him to walk up and down the driveway with me that day, I should've been a better owner.
Now I feel like I'm just pushing it all away, like I'm running away from this, and ignoring it.
I'm fine all day, or have been, but at night it gets hard.
Last night Jean slept over and we were up 'till one or so, because I was a wreck. I hyperventilated, and it sucked.
And I've already brought up getting another dog -NOT EVEN A FULL DAY AFTER HE'S BEEN GONE- but then I think about it and I don't know if I can handle it.
I don't think I want a puppy, I want a dog. MY dog.
It wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't...
But I miss having a dog, the house is so empty.
Oh fuck, I MISS HIM.
God, I love him, and I'm sorry he had to go so early.

I'm so tired.
I'm sad now.
Oh. My. God.
Everybody is sleeping except for me, but I wish I had somebody...

:Sigh.:
I think I'll be okay.
Even though I'm so tired of saying that, because I'm not sure if I'm lying...
Or if anybody would care anyways.

High school and boys.

High school can be so fucking dramatic.
I sort of like it, sometimes;
I thrive on drama, depending on what exactly it is.
I find it funny, and I haven't been caught up in it in years.
Sure, I add to it all the time, but nobody ever says shit to me.
I know lots of people probably hate me, 'cause I can talk so much shit, but I don't care -sometimes.

One thing I don't like about high school is the fact that relationships aren't just between two people.
EVERYBODY has to get fucking INVOLVED.
Or maybe that's just me, and my group of friends.
Holy shit, I just hate it when people are like:
"OMG, Jessie, I think he likes you! :D"
The last time this happened, it sucked.
Both times, actually.
My ex and D.
Ugh, I hate thinking about this.
I know I say this ALL THE TIME, but seriously;
Me and relationships, we don't FIT.
It's like I'm made different, and I don't UNDERSTAND.
How can somebody like someone THAT MUCH?
For longer than a week or two?
And want to be around them everyday, all day?
What the fuck do you do? What the Hell do you talk about?
I feel really jumbled thinking about this.

Somebody needs to fix me.
Like, just take a glue stick and put the pieces together, hook up a computer to my brain and feed me the right words and thoughts.

I don't like feeling like this.

Shit, I'm a nutter.



Sticky.

I need to lose 30-40-50 pounds before anybody could see means a girlfriend anyways.
When I lose it, maybe things will make sense.
Keep the gluestick on hold though, just in case this breaks me more than repairs me.

Laterz.

I can't deal with this.

According to my scale, I gained four pounds.
Four. Pounds.
Is that even possible?

OhmyGod, I can't breathe.
My head hurts.

Fuck.

Motivation and failing.

I think I'm going to end up failing classes this semester.
Particularly English, unless I get my shit together this week.
Yuck.

I've gotten addicted to night again -like, I'm so killing for summer right now that it's not even funny.
Past two nights I've stayed up just doing whatever -mostly on MYB, and YouTube- and fooling myself that I'll start my English paper "in a little bit".
Whatever.

Uh, yeah. Nothing new, really.
At least, nothing I feel like talking about.
I changed some settings in my computer or something, and now this font looks sort of messed up...
But yeah.

I have 15 days to loose 10-15 lbs.

The snow isn't melting fast enough.

I hate school.

I'm going to pass out in History tomorrow.

My dad has to bring Deli and I to school in the morning.

Oh, snap.

Laterz.

Dinner and movies.

I was supposed to go see Red Riding Hood today. :/
I think I'm going tomorrow.
IDFK.
I'm pissed, and fucking sad or whatever.

I was at a friend's -more like a friend of a friend's really- house today, from, like, two to five-ish.
We're making a music video for Band...
It's sort of really fucking lame, but it'll be okay I guess.
We're supposed to be wolves I guess, fighting over territory?
Even though the song has nothing to do with that...
But whatever, hopefully it'll turn out pretty epic.
....We had to do a lot of walking in the snow.
SO FUCKING COLD.
I don't have a jacket, or boots; so I was in a sweatshirt and Converse.
Yeah, horrible idea.
It's pretty hard to run in snow, too.
Especially drifts and soft stuff.
Ugh, it sucked.

Aniwayz; my friend's mom brought me home, and nobody was here.
I called my mom -no answer.
I called my dad -no answer.
I called my brother -surprise, surprise;
Answer.
It's fucking loud on the other end and I'm just like "What the Hell? Where are you guys?"
"Oh, we're out having dinner."

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.

I've been complaining about not having food for three days;
I've been living off grilled cheese.
Only a few months ago my mom was WORRIED about me having a fucking EATING DISORDER;
And now they don't even give a shit if I'm not eating.
They think I'm fat.
I know they do.
They practically tell me all the time, I can hear it behind their words.

I want food.
I don't even care.
I'm stuck in a rut.
I hate this.
I'm fucking hungry.

Oh my God.

I was talking to an online friend about this, and she was being so fucking funny about it.
I wish I could punch her in the face.
Someone rang the doorbell, and it was my brother, and I told her that I hate my family.
She said they probably hate me too.
FUCKING SERIOUSLY?

I hate this.
Maybe I'll have chips.
Or just go out and bitch about the lack of food in our house.
Fucking bastards.



People reading this probably think I'm some sort of fat shit that deserves to starve for a week or two.
Yeah, you're right.

Brunette and blonde.

I'm blonde again.
After two-and-a-half hours at a salon, I'm blonde again.
It's sort of orange, but whatever.
I haven't decided if I like it yet...
I thought I did, but now I'm like eh.

Whenever my hair is dark, I want it light.
Whenever it is light, I want it dark.
Just like with length;
Ah, fuck.

I can't straighten it as much anymore. :/
Or I have to use a lower heat setting and blahblahblah.
It doesn't feel major dead, which is a plus. :P

Aniwayz;
Sadly, I'm not doing leg lifts tonight.
Fuck this whole bullshit, I'm tired, and I just finished doing fucking English work and it's 10:00.
I'll hate myself in the morning...
But I'll deal with that when the time comes.
On the plus side, I get to sleep in an extra half hour, because I don't have to shower in the morning. xP

Uh, yeah...
I'll put up a picture of my hair, like, tomorrow.

@Nikki;
Ah, thanks; this eating stuff just totally bothers me. I've got zero self-control -ZERO.
I actually don't think I'd ever end up in an abusive relationship, I'm too... roar-intense-dick-ish to let that happen.
And I'd hit back... Maybe. :P
Find someone? HAH, I don't really think so.
What I want in a "relationship" isn't what other people want.
Blahblahblah.

Haha, thank you; I'm here for you too.
< 3456789



I'm going to finish printing this dumb vocabulary stuff, and go to sleeeepppp.
Laterz.

English and binges.

Lately, me eating almost anything is classified as a binge.
Because, lately, once I start, I can't fucking stop.
I can go, like, one day not eating/staying within my limit;
But then the next day, and maybe a day or two or three after that it's just Hell.
I shouldn't be complaining, because it's my own fault, but shit.

If I could loose one pound every two days...
Ugh.

I just finished doing part of my English vocabulary thing, that's due on Friday... I think.
If not, then Hell yes that I got started on it and won't have to do it this weekend. :D
:P
I'm excited for this weekend...
Want to know what I'm doing?
Oh, that sucks, I'm telling you anyways.
xD

....NOTHING....
Yup, I'm excited to be doing nothing.
Why?
Because I've started to hate doing anything.
I'm a total fucking hermit-in-training.
If I didn't have to go to school, I probably would hardly go anywhere.
It would be sort of like summer... maybe. xD
I know one day, I'll look back on all of this bullshit and be mother fucking pissed;
But yeah. I don't care, I guess.

Today I was thinking, and I've realized something;
My obsession with D needs to stop.
This whole thinking about him constantly and getting pissed that he'd rather be with/talk to some frosh instead of me is so fucking pathetic.
I don't want him, and I'm not going to have him.
This love/relationship/boys thing is different for me.
Because I('m) overly emotional, refuse to admit some feelings, get embarassed easily, need attention, hate certain kinds of attention, always wants it to be about me, wants to either be in complete control or zero control -if and only if somebody else has it all under control...-, and, most importantly, worthless, not-worth-saving, and fat.

Did any of that make sense?
Meh, it's all true.
I'm going to end up just like my grandma...
The one that got in an abusive relationship, got a divorce, and now lives by herself -and the rest of her family talks shit behind her back about her being annoying.

This sucks.
I'mma be up until, like, 11:00 doing leg lifts now.
Shit.

Laterz.

Bullshit and school.

I'm in the car with Ann and one of her friend's on the way to school...
:P
I had a mini-binge before school.
Blah. Nomorefood.

I have to stay after today, and wait for my mom; AGAIN. .-.
Ann and Jean have softball, captain's practice. :P

@Cassy;
Oh yeah, 100, yeah. xD
Oh, the leg lifts -yeah, I sometimes do that. xD
Every night I have to do 150, and sometimes I have to space it around whatever the Hell I'm doing. xP
Ah, D is probably a total waste of time.
But if it gets anywhere ever, it'll end up being a waste of his time.
...His girlfriend broke up with him over FaceBook Monday night.
Major legit karma. xD
He doesn't know I like him.
And he probably never will. xD
I like flings better than relationships anyways.
So I can just dream. xD


Ugh. School.
Laterz

Helping and 100!

This is my hundredth post...
JSYK.

So, today was our school's talent show.
I just got home a few minutes ago...
Yeah, I was at school THAT long.
Got there at 7, got home at 9:00-9:15ish.
Shiit.
Ohshit, BRB.
Gotta do leg lifts, commercial.

50.
All right;
Aniwayz;
So, I wasn't totally at the school the whole time. n.n
I hung out with D.
'Kay, mega-quick story.
So, while I was "gone" and whatever, he was dating the chick whose brother kicked his ass at the beginning of the year. They weren't talking and blahblahblah, and he broke up with her over FaceBook.
150% LULZ, right?
Yeah, but like, he said he was going to just chill single for a while.
Then, two weeks ago, there was the Snow Week Dance...
My ex- was there -actin' like a clingy bitch... until he left early :/ -, and D was there... and we sort of totally fucking hit it off.
Or so I, and quite a few others thought.
Like, later that night or the next fucking day, he started dating some frosh who ISWEARTOGOD had a boyfriend...
Ever since then, he's been a distant son-of-a-bitch, and I've had to act like IDGAF.
I gave a fuck, but I'm not really sure why.
[Insert nonchalant shrug, habitual lip biting, and quick glance at floor here.]
It's no big deal.
ANIWAYZ [...2?]; D and his current aren't really talking...
And he's all like "Well, WTF, oh IDC, OH WELL," about it, so I'm not 100% on the whole thing...
I dunno.
Today we hung out for, like, two-ish hours, and it was like:
Clickclickclickclick..
Get what I'm sayin'.
Oh, nah nah?
Oh yeah, you got it, yeah?
LAWL, fuck.
Nothing will happen, but I do dream about this bullshit sometimes. :P
Yup, nothingnothingnothingnothing.

Hm. @Thinkypure ('Twas you, right? D: );
[This might not actually be a full reply or whatever, I don't feel like going and looking at the comment.. :P]
I will start commenting blogs. n.n
Just, not always ones about bad days.
I like hearing things more than just 'It'll be okay', 'Tomorrow's another day', and shtuff -sometimes-, so I'd like to be tosaymore than justthat to others...
But I never know what to say. :X
I'm a bad cheer-er up-per. xD

SHIT. This is like the 2nd commercial I've missed.
Damndamndamn. I'mma be up for, like, ever doing leg lifts.
Fuuuckkk meeee.

Laterz.

Headaches and mood swings.

^ I've got one now.
Ugh.

I'm pissed.
I feel like a whiny bitch, but I'm pissed aniwayz.

People have been bugging me about eating today.
My family is so obsessed.
This weekend pretty much sucked.
And tomorrow I have to stay after school, with some frosh whores.
...'Kay, maybe I don't even know them, but I don't give a horse's dick.
What-the fuck-ever.

I don't think I'm going to do my Algebra.
But I need to find something to do...
I don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like a dumb-shit talking to myself on this thing.
I should start commenting people's blogs.
But I'm such pig-shit at making people feel better.

Laterz.

MaryJane and families.

Marijuana keeps my family together.
Close and as snug as some bud in a bowl.
...Well, everyone's like that 'CEPT my brother, mom, and I.
My dad's got to stay away too, 'cause mother doesn't approve.

Only plus side to this day is that my mom brought my brother and I to the exercise room.
Treadmill. :3

I miss my followers. :/

Laterz.

Uncertainty and Swiss Rolls.

This is sort of weird.
How did I come up with a title everday.
Uh.

Swiss Rolls are my new love.
Sadly, SO MANY FUCKING CALORIES.
But I can't help it, they're just so damn good.
I totally dissect it; eat the chocolate on the outside, lick up all the cream -that's what she said, BAM-, eat the last spongy bit.
MMM.


One of my friends is dying her hair blue.
.-.
I'm lime green Jell-Ous.

Laterz.

Back...

I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just let go of everything.
And I'm on my rollercoaster again;
Rising and falling, falling, falling.
It basically sucks, and yeah.

I feel like even more of a failure for "coming back", because I told myself that no matter what, I can't go back until I've lost weight.

Yeeahh, but I guess I really didn't want to actually leave;
Moment of weird weakness thought processing.

So, uh, hey everybody...
I was only gone for 13 days, but it feels like a fucking eternity.

Who knows if this will even get posted, I'll probably just keep it up on my Internet, debating about actually just fucking posting or if I should keep on waiting, and just fucking loose the weight.
Uh-huh....

Fuckfuckfuck.
Today's a binge day and I don't even care.
This whole eating too much all the time thing is basically why I left in the first place, but yeah.
I act without really thinking sometimes, and that was one of those times.
Psheewwwww.

Aniwayz, I'm "back" and blahblahblah...

Laterz...
(I've missed that.^ Hah)