(Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me the Horizon)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Birthdays and hate.

I'm actually starting to get annoyed with myself.
Why do I have to dislike myself so strongly?
Yuck, I suck.

Less than 1,000 calories today.
I'm not as excited or proud as I should be.

I broke and got on the scale this morning;
I had to get my sweatshirt and couldn't resist.

Tomorrow is one of my sort-of-not-really-friend's birthdays.
She's going to be sixteen, yay.
She 'forgot' to invite me to her party until I bitched -not really bitched, more like mentioned- that I hadn't been invited to another friend.
That friend texted her and then I got a notification on my phone: New event invite on FaceBook.

I Dort of wished I'd just stayed quiet, 'cause I don't know if I want to go anymore.
Parties == food and being social.
That combination doesn't sound fun.
But I know I might have fun if I go, and I miss being able to just go places and not be so self-conscious.
There's going to be boys there too, including one of my exes that I havent talked to pretty much since I broke up with him and now has a 'thing' with the whore of our grade -that I HATE.
he denies stuff with her whenever I ask, and everyone else I ask just says "Well, I DUNNO."
I like knowing things, and those people are NO HELP.

Nobody knows that I'm really asking 'cause I'm pissed that I broke things off with him so damn early.
Yeah, he was clingy and immature, but all boys are. And he was MICE and FUN when it was just us in a small group.
I shouldn't done more, but then there was also the fact that I feel grotesque around him.
He's a naturally skinny guy, like perfect-sort-of.
And I'm fat.
We don't match.

I'm cold.
My arm is still sore, and I swear my weak-hours of crying yesterday made it so I would feel even worse today.
My eyes had that burn-y feeling that they get when I want/need sleep, and my head started to hurt SO BAD after school.
I got my mom to give me meds.
It's better now, but I'm still tired.
And lazy.
I barely managed to do a small portion of my homework, and I haven't done any sort of exercise since last week.
I suck. [x2]

I'mma finish watchin' this show, and then try to sleep.

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